Six
I SLEEP UNTIL 3:48 the next morning.
Even then, as soon as I open my eyes, I feel like I could use a few more hours. I’m comfortable and cozy, warmer than usual and with an odd sense of pleasure in my chest and belly. It’s a safe feeling. Intimate.
It’s not until I lift my head and really focus around me that I realize why.
I’m still on the couch at Theo’s apartment. He’s still asleep, pressed up beside me and with his arms wrapped around my body. He feels big and warm and solid and as hot as a radiator. His breathing is slow and steady, and his heart is beating beneath my ear.
And I love it.
All of it.
I feel secure. Protected. Cared for. Treasured.
It’s no doubt a drastic misreading of the accidental situation. Despite his grumpy ways, Theo could simply be a snuggler by nature and I was a convenient body. There’s never been anything romantic or intimate between us. Until this weekend, there’s never been anything even remotely friendly.
So no matter how it feels to wake up with him holding me like this, I would be the biggest fool in the world to assume it means more.
Besides, it can’t mean more.
This is Theo. Chris’s best friend.
And that’s an emotional ick that’s impossible to overcome.
I sit up abruptly, pulling out of his arms when he instinctively tightens them. He makes a few mumbly sounds that sound disapproving.
“Too early,” he says when I continue withdrawing from his embrace.
Finally I’m sitting up on the foot of the couch, hunched over and hugging my arms to my chest because I’m suddenly cold and shaky. It was so warm cuddled up with him.
But now it’s not.
“I know,” I manage to say. “Sorry. I need to get back home.”
It takes a minute, but awareness finally penetrates the fog of sleep. He pushes himself upright and drops his legs over the edge of the couch like I did.
His hair is a mess, rumpled from sleep with pieces sticking out in all directions. He’s got stubble all over his jaw and neck, the same brownish red as his hair. His eyelids are heavy, but his vivid blue eyes are sharp. Intelligent.
“You okay?” he asks, giving me a quick, sidelong glance.
“Yeah. Just kind of out of it. I didn’t mean to sleep for so long.”
“Me either.”
That’s probably true. It was an accident on both our parts. It happens, and it doesn’t mean anything except we had a long day, ate a good meal, and were relaxing on the couch.
All these tumultuous, terrifying fluttery feelings expanding inside me are unnecessary and inappropriate.
I really need to pull it together.
Half my hair has slipped out of my braid as it dried, and the loose strands are hanging down on either side of my face. I drop my head so I can hide my expression behind it.
He leans over. Very gently pushes some of the hair back behind my ear. “Maya?”
“I’m fine. Sorry. Just trying to wake up.”
I’m fully awake already. There’s no way I could keep sleeping through this uproar in my head.
“Are you sure that’s all it is? Because nothing that happened last night is—”
“Nothing happened,” I choke out, cutting off his words because I’m so scared of how he might finish that sentence.
He’s silent for more than a moment. Then he says, “I know that. We fell asleep.”
His tone is almost imperceptibly different, but I can feel the shift. He feels cooler. More withdrawn.
And it hurts as much as anything has.
But it’s safer that way. It’s the only way I’m ever going to get over this emotional storm rushing through me. “Sorry to be weird.” I try very hard to sound natural, and I almost succeed. “I feel all confused and discombobulated. But I really do need to get going. Claude and Ed have been by themselves since yesterday morning.”
“Oh no. I didn’t think about them. Are they okay on their own for so long?”
“Yeah. They have a litter box and water, but they usually get a little bedtime snack, and they won’t be happy about missing out on it. Plus they’re not used to me being gone for so long. I need to get back.”
“I’ll drive you.” He’s already getting up, pulling down his shirt and yanking up his trousers since they got disarrayed as he slept.
“You don’t need to—”
“Yes, I do. Your truck is still at the country club, and it’s not even four in the morning. You can’t walk all that way on your own. I’ll take you home for now, and then we’ll go get your truck sometime tomorrow.”
“You have to work, don’t you? I’m awake enough to be fine driving home. Maybe you can just drive me to my truck if you don’t mind.”
It looks like he’s about to object, but then he must change his mind. He gives a curt nod and a grunt that’s probably acquiescence.
I go to the bathroom, using it and then changing into my dress. I leave Theo’s sweats folded neatly on the sink counter.
He’s ready to go when I come back, keys in his hand. We walk down to his midsized, moderately priced SUV in silence, and then—also in silence—he drives me to the country club where I parked my truck yesterday afternoon.
He gets out as I do, standing and waiting as I unlock the driver’s door and climb in. I look over at him, growing more and more upset.
It’s like yesterday didn’t even happen. He’s back to being the tense, scowly, withdrawn guy I’ve always known.
I don’t want that guy. I want him to be the man he was yesterday.
But that’s the most dangerous person he could be. To me.
“Okay. Thanks for everything yesterday.”
“You’re welcome,” he mutters, his eyes focused on the pavement at his feet. “It was nothing. No big deal.”
It didn’t feel like nothing to me, but maybe it did to him. I’m the one so needy all of a sudden that I’m trying to transform a relationship that’s never even been close into some sort of romance.
It can’t be that.
It can never be that.
So his old, reserved, mumbly self is a better option in keeping myself out of emotional danger.
“Okay.” I swallow hard. “Well.”
“Drive safe back.”
“I will.”
“Text me when you get back.”
I frown at him, confused by why he wants that.
“So I know you’re back safe.” He’s still not meeting my eyes.
My heart does another one of those silly leaps. “Okay. See you later.”
“See you.”
He closes the door for me and retreats as I turn on the ignition. I can still feel his eyes on me as I back out of my parking place and drive away.
***
A T HOME, I’M GREETED by a chorus of feline yowls as I step inside. Ed’s are happy, and Claude’s are reproachful. Both of them demand a snack and gobble it down quickly. Then I change into pajamas, wash my face and brush my teeth, and climb up into my loft to flop down on my mattress.
Ed and Claude come to join me. Ed curls up right beside me for a snuggle while Claude makes a few passes, begrudgingly accepting some pets before he settles into the window nook he prefers to sleep in.
I text Theo to let him know I got home safely. Then I close my eyes eventually and try to go back to sleep.
I don’t even come close to succeeding.
***
L ATER THAT MORNING , at around ten, I drive over to visit Tee for coffee and cinnamon bread. Daniela isn’t working today until one, so she’s there too. She was working in the studio but takes a break to join us at the kitchen table for a while.
We talk about Tee’s bad hip and then about Daniela’s bad date on Saturday night. I do my best to participate in my normal manner, but I’m exhausted and groggy and confused with an anxious ball of tension in my gut.
It doesn’t take long for Tee and Daniela to notice.
After we fall into silence for a minute, Tee finally asks, “Are you going to tell us what you’re so upset about?”
“I’m not that upset,” I reply, blinking at her and then at my cousin. “I’m really tired.”
“Why are you so tired? Did you have a busy night?” That’s Daniela with her typical sharp dryness.
“No, I didn’t have a busy night.”
“Maria called last night and mentioned she’d heard you spent the day with that very serious young man.”
There can be no doubt that the “very serious young man” at issue is Theo. I give Tee a narrow-eyed look.
“You don’t have to give me that disapproving look. I wasn’t gossiping. She no doubt wanted news on the topic, but I didn’t give her any.”
“Thank you for that,” I say, the tension softening in my throat.
“So you did spend the day with Theo?” Daniela asked, looking more curious than anything else.
“Well, yeah. Kind of. But it’s Tee’s fault. She’s the one who pressured him into helping me figure out my pen pal.”
“Why would Theo know?”
“He doesn’t know. But Tee thought he’d be a good person to bounce ideas off of. So he’s been helping me interview my potentials.”
Daniela laughs softly. “So you two have been going around conducting interviews with unsuspecting targets?”
I can’t help but giggle too. It is kind of silly when you think about it that way. “It’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. I mean, maybe it’s a little ridiculous, but I think it’s a legitimate mission. We’re being discreet about it.”
“And Theo also believes this to be a reasonable and rational way to spend his weekend?”
My shoulders stiffen. “Yes. I mean, maybe he was a little bit pressured by Tee, but if he thought it was too stupid, he would have said so. He’s been helping me for real.”
“He was good friends with Chris,” Tee puts in with an odd, overly casual manner. “No doubt he feels responsibility toward Maya because of that. After all, Chris would want her to be happy, and the Humphrey boy likely feels obliged to help because of that.”
This comment might make sense from a certain point of view, but it doesn’t sit well with me at all. It doesn’t feel right or true, and the fact that Tee is the one who spoke it is highly disorienting.
Tee is watching me with a sideways look, and Daniela is openly staring with a skeptical expression. “Is that what it is, Maya? He’s feeling obliged?”
“I... I don’t know.”
“Don’t you?” Daniela has a blunt manner that’s sometimes refreshingly direct and sometimes like a punch to the gut.
“Why else would he be helping?” Tee asks, her gazing moving down to her coffee cup. “It appears he devoted his entire weekend to you. What other reason could there be than guilt and responsibility because of Chris?”
She sounds light. Innocent. Guileless.
And Tee is never innocent.
My spine stiffens even more. “If you have something to ask, you can just ask it.”
“Yes. I know that. But if I asked it directly, you would never answer me.”
“I would too.”
“You would try, but you’re in protection mode right now. No one should blame you for that. It’s entirely natural and normal. But because of it, there are a number of things you don’t want to admit to yourself.”
The words hit me like a blow. Leave me stunned and breathless. It takes a minute for me to get even a few words said. “But... But I don’t... I don’t think that’s...”
“Maybe not. But that’s what it looks like to me.” Tee’s expression is gentler than normal. “I’m trying not to trap you in a corner with a host of realizations you’re not ready for. But that very serious young man would not have spent his entire weekend on such a dubious enterprise out of nothing more than secondhand responsibility.”
I swallow several times over a hard lump. “He... he’s just helping me.”
“Yes,” Tee replies. “He is. But why is he helping?”
“Because he...”
I have no coherent answer to give her because there’s only one answer that comes to me. Only one answer that feels right.
He must not dislike me anymore. He must have some sort of warm feelings for me. After all, there’s no other explanation for the way he held me in his arms all night.
Even if he’s a covert snuggler, he wouldn’t want to snuggle with a woman he doesn’t even like.
My face gets warmer and warmer as I come to this conclusion. As I remember how he was holding me last night. How he acted yesterday evening. How close to him I felt.
I have to use both hands to cover my face, desperately needing to hide for a few seconds.
Hide from... everything.
“Shit,” Daniela breathes. “So you and Theo are really into each other?”
“No!” The words come out loud and raspy. “No! We... we can’t be.”
“Why not?”
“Because...” I’m almost gasping now, so I take a minute to catch my breath. “Because we can’t be. Because of Chris. It would be... weird and cringey and wrong.”
“Not wrong,” Tee murmurs very softly.
“I’m sure it could feel kind of awkward,” Daniela says in a less gentle, more matter-of-fact voice. “I think it would to me. But it’s been two years. Enough time has passed. These things happen.”
“They do? Other women get feelings for their dead fiancé’s best friend?”
Tee shrugs. “Of course they happen. You think you’re the first woman something similar has happened to?”
“N-no. Of course not. But that doesn’t make it... make it right.” I rub my face, trying to clear my mind of too much emotion. “So, yeah, maybe I’ve picked up a few stray feelings toward Theo, but they can’t go anywhere. They can’t lead to anything. They can’t.”
“Okay,” Daniela says with a shrug. “So they don’t go anywhere. No big deal.”
I peer at her. Then at Tee. “No arguments?”
“Why would there be arguments? You know best how you feel. And one thing has always been true about human beings. Feelings are real but they aren’t always right. We are capable of doing what’s right, no matter what our feelings are telling us. If you truly believe starting something with Theo is wrong, then you shouldn’t do it.”
“That’s right,” Daniela adds. “Why don’t you text him and thank him for his help but that you can handle it on your own from here on out?”
I stare at her, my lips parting slightly.
“What?” she adds. “He’s a sharp guy. He’s going to understand what that message means. He won’t make another move on you after that.”
“He never made a move on me.” My voice cracks slightly on the last word.
Holding me in his sleep doesn’t count.
“Well, he’ll know to never try anything. He’ll back off.”
Tee reaches over to pat my forearm, which is resting on the table. “Daniela is right. That young man is too shy to push his way in if you don’t open the door for him.”
“He’s not—” I cut off my own claim since I’m no longer certain it’s true.
Maybe he is shy. Maybe everything I always believed about Theo is completely wrong. What the hell do I know about anything anymore?
He was so sweet last night. And even this morning after we woke up—until I made it very clear that nothing was happening between us.
It was only then that he pulled back.
“Not everyone acts in the exact same way with certain traits. A lot of people who are generous channel it in ways that look different. So why would you assume people who are shy always look or act in the same ways?” Tee smiles to soften her targeted question. “Maybe you can just trust me in this.”
I nod and look down at the plate on the table in front of me—nothing left on the surface but crumbs from my piece of cinnamon bread. “Okay. Maybe you’re right.”
“So go ahead and text him,” Daniela says again, gesturing toward my phone set beside my plate. “Get it over with, and you’ll feel better.”
Maybe I would, but that’s not how it feels right now. It feels like texting him those words—slamming the door on anything that might grow between us—would hurt as much as chopping off my hand.
“It wouldn’t be wrong?” I ask in almost a whisper.
“Why exactly do you think getting with Theo would be wrong?” Daniela asks.
“I don’t know. Just that Chris was the love of my life. My soulmate. You’re not supposed to fall for your soulmate’s best friend, are you?”
Daniela chuckles at this, but Tee gives her head a firm shake and says, “You don’t really believe in soulmates, do you?”
The disapproval in her tone surprises me since she’s been so gentle throughout this entire conversation. “I... I don’t actually know. It was mostly a figure of speech.”
“Good.” She smiles, softening her tone and her expression. “Because the idea that there’s only one person in the entire universe we can truly love and be happy with is appalling if you really think about it. Most of us would be wandering around lost and alone, never finding our one perfect mate. Because what is the chance that your one person in the entire universe happens to be your same town, your same school, your same church, your same circle of friends? But that’s where most people end up finding the person they love.”
I think about that for a minute and finally smile back at her. “I guess that’s true.”
“Our hearts aren’t made of Daniela’s marble, chiseled by force into a shape that only matches with one other person and then shatters into pieces when that matching piece is snatched away. Mija, our hearts are indeed fragile, vulnerable to being hurt. But they’re soft . Malleable. And like clay they’re also resilient. They mold themselves around other hearts, taking new shapes at different stages of life.”
Her words hit me hard. My eyes burn, and my throat closes. I blink away a few tears.
“This has always been true. Our hearts adapt to circumstances. We fall in love with the people around us, whoever they are. Even possibly our dead fiancé’s best friend.”
A few tears slip down my face despite my best efforts.
“If you want a real mystery to solve,” Tee continues, reaching over to squeeze my hand, “then I present to you the mystery of the human heart. Broken and remade a hundred times in a lifetime. Ever seeking to love and be loved.”
Before I can respond to these words that cover my own heart like a cloak—warm and heavy and true—my phone vibrates on the table, the buzzing and the motion making me jerk and gasp.
I grab for it and read the screen. It’s Theo.
Hey, just checking in after last night. Is everything all right between us? If you still want me to help with your mystery, I’ll be done with work by six. We may be able to catch a couple of them this evening. Just let me know.
I stare at the words for a long time, reading them once and then again and again.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Daniela asks.
“Y-yeah.”
“Is he asking about seeing you again?” Tee asks that question.
“About... about helping more with my list of potentials. He wants to know if everything is okay and, if so, he can help me this evening after work.”
“Well,” Tee says with a smile, patting my arm again. “It’s just as I said. He’s a thoughtful, kindhearted man and not a pushy or clueless one. He’s making it easy for you to tell him you’re fine on your own if that’s really what you want to tell him.”
I gulp. Look at Tee and then Daniela and then back at my phone.
“You don’t have to tell him that, if you don’t want,” Daniela adds.
“But... but...”
“But what? You’re not announcing that you’re ready to marry him or something. You’re not even accepting a date. If you’re not sure about shutting him down, then just see him again tonight. Stop acting like right in this moment you’re having to decide the entire course of your life.”
Daniela’s wry voice is like a lifeline. I mentally grasp for it, holding the words in my mind as I process them.
“She’s right. You don’t know what you want yet, so why put up a brick wall? You can see him again tonight and see how you feel. You can end it then if you decide that’s best, or you can see him again. You don’t need to burden yourself with the weight of huge decisions right now. Did you have a good day yesterday?”
I very slowly nod. I had the best day I’ve had in a really long time.
“Then don’t close him down. Not yet. See how it goes tonight.”
Clearing my throat, I pick up my phone and pull up the text conversation with Theo. I start typing. Stop. Start again.
“He’s going to see you keep changing your mind,” Daniela comments blandly.
She’s right. I’m making a huge deal about something that isn’t one. Or that doesn’t have to be.
After all, I’m committing to nothing right now.
Nothing.
Sorry if I was weird and awkward this morning. Everything’s fine. I had a good time yesterday and really appreciate your help. I’ll be happy for your help tonight too, but don’t go out of your way or anything.
There. Not the most graceful of responses but it sounds nice and genuine but basically causal. I hit Send before I can second-guess myself.
I see the three dots on the screen indicating he’s responding almost immediately.
I want to help, and it’s not out of my way. Greg is usually at the gym after work, and Vince sometimes is as well. We can try there first if that sounds okay?
That sounds good.
I’ll pick you up at 6:15.
Great, thanks!
When I look up, both Tee and Daniela are watching me with varying degrees of smiles on their faces. “Am I really that amusing?”
Tee leans over so she can give me a one-armed hug. “We’re not laughing at you, mija. We’re really proud of you.”