Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alison did not know what to expect when she and Daniel returned to his estate.
In the past, she might have assumed he would want to be alone.
After having spent so much time together today and having finally broken through that last barrier that sat between them, that he would do as he always did and demand space.
She almost acquiesced to this request before he even suggested it.
They entered the main foyer together, Daniel closed the door behind him, and she started toward the steps, not expecting him to stop her.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
She paused halfway across the foyer. “Where…” She turned to find him watching her. It was late afternoon, but not so dark that he was hidden in shadow. In fact, he stood in the light as if doing so on purpose, exposed and vulnerable like he had never been. “I was going to my room.”
“What for?”
“I…” She hesitated. “No reason.”
“I thought you might like to join me for a drink,” he said earnestly. “It has been a long day, and I know I could use one. I hoped you would too.”
She smiled softly, thrilled at the invitation. Alison was not certain how Daniel might have felt after what happened in town. Those women, the things they had said, clearly affected him, and he was as likely to close himself off as anything else. That he wanted to spend more time with her…
He no longer sees me as a threat or someone to be cautious around. He might even see me as… as more than a mere houseguest or a given duty to keep safe. He wants to, I know he does. He just needs to accept it…
“I would like that.”
She made sure to smile as she walked with him to the drawing room. There, he indicated to a couch by the fireplace as he poured them both a drink.
“Is whiskey fine?” he asked.
“I think I will manage,” she said.
He nodded and finished pouring, at which point he came for her. Two glasses in hand, he gave her one and then hesitated. His eyes fell on the space beside her, which she was sure to leave open. His brow furrowed, unsure if he should sit…
“I won’t bite…this time,” she said, laughing softly. “I promise.”
“I wouldn’t put anything past you,” he said with a relieved smile, nodding once and sitting.
Still, he made sure not to be right next to her.
Everything was a battle with Daniel, a step-by-step fight to coax himself from his shell.
He was so guarded, so wary of getting too close and letting that guard drop.
Alison still could not say for sure why it was, but she had a good feeling she was about to find out.
She had a sip of the whiskey and winced. “It’s good.”
“No, it’s not,” he laughed. “But it will do.”
“I am not a big drinker,” she admitted. “But today is a day of firsts…” She had another sip, wincing again.
Daniel said nothing at first. He watched her closely; the embers of the fire reflected in his eyes in a way that made her fidget because she could see how serious his thoughts were. A decision that he was coming to, yet to truly grasp if he was ready to make it.
She thought to tell him that he could. That he could trust her – that she wanted him to trust her. But she knew too that Daniel was not one to be told what to do. If he wanted to open to her, he would need to do so in his own time.
“I know what you did today,” he finally said.
“What do you mean?”
“With Tommy and Pickle,” he explained. “I know what you did… why you did it.” He looked at her without blinking, as if he were daring her to argue.
She did no such thing. “It was rude what those two women were saying about you. They should know better than to gossip.” She chuckled. “As they should know better than to leave treats out when dogs are about.”
“Rude, perhaps,” he agreed. “But that doesn’t mean what they said was wrong.”
“You are not a bad person, Daniel…” Alison shifted a little closer, thankful that he did not move away. “I do not care what those two women said. They do not know you.”
“And you do?”
“I think I do,” she said. “Or I am trying to. Admittedly, you do make it rather hard to do.”
He laughed softly. “For good reason.”
“You think so,” she said. “But it is not such a bad thing to… to trust others. Especially if there are things you need to speak of, if for no other reason than to say them out loud. You might be surprised what merely speaking our secrets can do to them.”
“Making them real, you mean?”
“Making us see that they are not nearly as bad as we think.”
He shook his head and looked away. “You do not know what I have done. Why I…” He grimaced. “Why I am the way that I am.”
“Then tell me,” she urged him gently. “Let me decide for myself.”
“You think I will?” he asked, snapping his head up and fixing his stare on her in a way she knew was meant to scare her off.
“I do,” she said without looking away.
His smile was soft, but it was not unsure, and she could see at that moment how much he wanted to tell her.
“This isn’t an excuse, but it starts with my father,” Daniel sighed.
As he spoke, he made sure to be looking away from Alison, and she could see the darkness swallowing him.
“He was a drunk and a gambler, and the debt he left my family in was…” He exhaled.
“It was bad. The type that threatened to send my family into poverty, was it not taken care of.”
Alison made sure to say nothing. What she did do, was reach out and rest a hand on his knee. A comforting squeeze, and she could feel how that gesture alone helped.
“My sisters were the answer,” he continued in whispered tones, his breath rattling.
“I have six of them and, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I saw them as a way out. A damn means to an end, almost grateful that I had so many to choose from.” He scoffed.
“At first, I did not question what I was doing. I was happy to force them into marriages with men whose purses were all I cared for. Were they kind? Were they devoted? Did my sisters even love them? I cared not…”
She squeezed his leg and shuffled in tighter, just to let him know that she was there. And not once did she look away.
“Eventually, I began to realize that I had made a mistake. Yes, the debts were paid off with each new husband found, but every time I was forced to watch one of my sisters walk down the aisle, it took a piece out of me. I felt ashamed, Alison…” He finally looked up, and his eyes were glazed red.
“How relieved I felt, how freeing it was to remove the debt. As if I was trading my sister’s happiness for my own – as if it did not matter how they felt, so long as I was satisfied. ”
“Daniel, you know that is not the case.”
“But it was,” he hissed. “I was so concerned about my damn title and fortune that I did not stop to consider my own sisters’ wellbeing. I did not even ask how they felt!” He clenched his jaw, and she saw the hand which was holding the glass of whiskey shake.
“And your sisters?” Alison asked. “Have you spoken to them about this? Asked them what they think now?”
He scoffed. “I know what they think.”
“Do you, though? It might take a woman’s perspective to help you see it, but what you did…” She shuffled in closer so that she was right at him. “It is expected. We are raised to know what our life will entail. What you have told me is nothing new.”
“It is not the same,” he sighed. “One sister, perhaps. Two or even three…. But six? I treated them like pieces on a chess board.”
“You gave them each a life where their father left them none,” she insisted, feeling a stabbing pain in her chest. And not just at how vulnerable Daniel was being with her, but how his story reflected her own life.
“Believe me, I know that your sisters do not hold it against you. Just as I know that they will understand why you did as you did.”
He scoffed again. “Even if they did, do you want to know what the worst past is? Let us say they came to me and forgave me for everything. Let us say they each told me how happy they were. I still would not believe them. I would assume they were lying to try and make me feel better. But the truth of it…” He took a final sip of whiskey.
“I don’t want to feel better. I do not want to be forgiven.
I did the wrong thing by them, and my fate is to live with that for the rest of my days. ”
“Oh, Daniel…”
She could see it all so clearly now.
This was the reason why he was so emotionally distant and withdrawn.
The reason that he was so cold and constantly pushing her away.
And the reason he did not trust himself to let down his walls and grow close…
no, not trust. It wasn’t about trust at all.
It was that he did not think he deserved it.
Daniel lived in a state of constant self-loathing and to finally be happy, in his mind, was a betrayal to himself and his sisters. The man truly was broken.
“You’re wrong, you know,” she said gently as she tried to find the words that might bring him back.
“Doubtful.”
“You are…” She squeezed his leg again. “You speak of yourself as if you are the arbiter of doom and sorrow. As if everything you touch turns to ash…” She laughed softly. “But you and I both know that is not true.”
“It is truer than you think.”
“And what of me?” she pressed. “What of what you did for me?” She raised an eyebrow at him, making sure he saw it.
He looked away. “It is not the same thing.”
“You saved me, Daniel.” She reached forward with her hand and took his chin, forcing him to look at her.
His eyes were still glazed, and his brow was tight.
But he did not look away. “More than once, you did. And not because you had to, but because you wanted to – because you knew it was the right thing to do.”
“That does not make me a good person.”
“It proves that you’re not the wretch you seem to think,” she countered. “I am still not so convinced that what you did with your sisters is nearly as awful as you want it to be.”
“But –”