Chapter 27
Fucking Ezra didn’t cure Analise’s need— if anything, it made it worse.
Before it had been an annoyance, but now it was a fire in the depths of her stomach.
Release had been glorious, but once it was over, the emptiness came flooding back.
She hadn’t meant for it to happen. She wanted to drink away her failure, but he’d taken her bottle, and her anger—her fear—had nowhere else to go.
Analise hadn’t been able to concentrate on a darn thing since she’d left his room.
She’d hidden in the lab with Charles for days, reading his textbooks, trying to work out where she went wrong with the Familiars, searching for something that would allow her to find a reason for what happened.
She’d dived back into Blackwood’s book on death magic, but nothing stuck.
The words swam around her head, not finding purchase, and she woke that morning with the overwhelming desire to hurt something.
She wanted her life back. It mightn’t have been much, but it was hers.
Whenever Analise closed her eyes, she saw the Familiars she hadn’t been able to save.
She felt her magic ploughing through them, hungry for the life that lingered there.
It had been different with the rat, and she hadn’t been able to work out why, until it hit her like a punch.
Her emotions let her down. The fact she’d been trying to save human beings and not a scrawny rat that thought about nothing but its next meal interfered with what she was trying to do.
With the rat, it had been clinical. But with a human being, it was different because she wasn’t handing back life, but a life.
Those people possibly had families who loved them and wondered what had happened to them.
Analise was sitting at a table in the front bar when Jem strode in.
Her eyes were glued to the bottles behind the bar.
She’d spent the last hour since the club opened watching people come in, the men in their work clothes and the women with them, wondering if any of them were like her.
She wondered where they’d been, what their day had been like.
Her mouth was dry, her head hurt, and she’d barely slept for two days.
The others were in the basement, but despite wanting to hit things, Analise hadn’t gone down there.
Jem spied her. She watched him hesitate, then decide to approach and when he’d sat opposite her, the words were out of Analise’s mouth before she could stop them. ‘You knew where he was—you could have turned him in, but you didn’t. Why?’
Jem raised his eyebrows. ‘He’s my friend, Analise.’
‘It’s more than that, though, isn’t it?’ She wasn’t sure how she knew, but looking at Jem’s face, she was certain of it.
Jem waited for two men to pass them, before he nodded. ‘Ezra was fantastic at what he did. The golden boy of the Unseen. He could do no wrong—no one got away from him. But he, I don’t know … lost interest. No, that isn’t right. Something happened—something changed. But he wouldn’t tell me what.’
‘He grew a conscience?’ Analise snorted.
‘He’s always had a conscience.’ When she raised her eyebrows in disbelief, he went on. ‘Ezra is honourable, loyal. I know you don’t see that, and I don’t—he doesn’t—ever expect you to.’
Her chest was suddenly tight. ‘What happened?’
‘Ezra was caught trying to help a death witch escape.’
Analise opened her mouth, then promptly closed it. She wasn’t sure what to think about that, at all. It was a lie, surely, but Jem’s expression was serious. He watched her closely, perhaps waiting for her to argue, and when she didn’t, he went on.
‘As you can imagine, he was not overly popular after that.’
‘What would have happened to him?’
‘They’d have hung him,’ Jem said bluntly, and her breath caught. ‘Publicly, with a lot of fanfare. He disobeyed the Crown, broke the vows he took when he joined the Gendarme and then the Unseen. He committed treason.’
‘But why?’ she asked. ‘Why did he do that?’
‘I don’t know exactly. I smuggled him out before they could go through with their plans. No matter what he’d done, or why he’d done it, I wasn’t going to stand back and let him be hung for it.’
This was not what Analise was expecting. ‘Why didn’t he tell me this?’
‘He wouldn’t have seen the point,’ Jem said gently. ‘Ezra puts on a convincing show.’
Her words, the horrible words she’d said to him, floated around her brain. Ezra could have told her the truth, but instead he let her stand there and say terrible things to him. He would have let her kill him. ‘I …’
All the speculation about Ezra’s mysterious disappearance hadn’t come close to the truth. She was still mulling over it when Jem stood, brushing his hands over his dark coat. ‘No matter how much you hate him right now, it’s nothing compared to how much Ezra hates himself.’
She swallowed. ‘Jem—’
‘This conversation stays between us,’ he said sharply, and she nodded. ‘I betrayed my friend’s confidence in the hope that it might help you see he's not a monster. He’s a good person, for all his faults.’
Jem left her, disappearing down to the basement.
Analise chewed on her bottom lip until she could taste blood, then followed Jem, head spinning. She knew it was the truth because it hadn’t been Jem of the Gendarme, or Jem the Order member, speaking. It was Jem, Ezra’s friend.
Ezra, who hadn’t defended himself, choosing to let her hate him.
What did that say about her? What sort of person had she shown herself to be if he wouldn’t even try to tell her why he was on the run?
The sort who wouldn’t have listened to him.
Analise found at least ten Order members, including Lira and Tobias, in the basement. The beautiful hunter, Samira, was in the ring, assessing those looking up at her. She was tall and lean, with long legs and powerful-looking arms. Her dark hair was tied back in a tight braid.
Analise startled when Samira called Ezra onto the platform.
Heart pounding, she hurried to Lira’s side as Ezra climbed up and peeled his shirt off.
When he spied Analise, he came and crouched in front of her.
His eyes shifted over her face, and she wasn’t sure what he was looking for.
She’d been avoiding him, and he knew it.
‘Mind this for me, will you?’ he asked softly, holding the shirt out.
Analise could only nod and take it, bundling it in her arms. Lira nudged her, and Analise’s face flamed when she caught sight of Ezra’s back.
There, above the waistline of his trousers, were scratch marks, fresh enough to be noticed.
She didn’t remember doing that, but she could remember his hands and his tongue and his fucking mouth that should be outlawed or something.
Her fingers tightened on his shirt.
‘Those scratches are nasty,’ Lira commented.
‘Shut up,’ Analise muttered. She wondered if Lira knew what Ezra had done.
‘If you’re lucky, she’ll bust him, and you can put him back together.’
Analise remained silent.
‘It must be difficult,’ Lira said conversationally. ‘To have a man who looks like that interested in you. You’re drooling, by the way.’
‘He’s not interested in me.’
‘He looks at you all the time,’ Lira pointed out; around them, people cheered.
Analise snuck a glance in time to see Samira’s fist shooting towards Ezra’s ribs.
He caught her wrist and spun her around, pulling her into him, back to chest, and for a moment, all Analise could feel was his weight pressing against her spine and his fingers gripping her hips.
‘Maybe,’ Lira went on. ‘He—’
‘Stop,’ Analise commanded. ‘This is hard enough as it is.’
‘I know you’re blaming yourself for what happened with those Familiars, and I know how hard it must be to be around Ezra.
I’m going to guess you’re still angry with him, but maybe look at who he is, not what he was,’ Lira said gently.
‘My suggestion—get to know him, perhaps without getting him naked.’
Ezra and Samira had finished sparring. They were standing on the other side of the platform.
Analise watched them as covertly as she could as Jem took their place in the ring.
Lira was wrong, she decided. She wasn’t angry at Ezra for lying to her anymore.
She was angry at him for caring, for doing what she wanted, for being there when she needed someone, even in the most fucked up of ways.
And she was angry at herself for so willingly believing the worst of him was all he was.
‘You’re right,’ she told Lira.
Lira gave her a surprised look, but before she could say anything, Jem called out to her. ‘Tell me you’ll stay and watch while I kick my brother’s arse?’
‘Wouldn’t miss it.’
As Lira climbed onto the platform, tossing scathing sibling insults at her brother, Analise’s gaze drifted to Ezra and Samira again. His face was bright and open, the same expression she’d seen him wearing many times in the safe house. Was that his true face, she wondered, or a mask?
Sensing her watching him, Ezra glanced over. They stared at one another for a moment, then he said something to Samira, who smiled and nodded, touching his arm, her hand lingering on his skin.
Analise twisted his shirt between her fingers.
She’d never been a jealous person, especially not over something that wasn’t hers to begin with.
Even though it was her Ezra had been with, it didn’t stop the ridiculous possessiveness that sprang to life when the beautiful hunter looked at him.
Analise dropped her gaze, conflicted, and when she looked up again, Ezra and Samira were gone.
She took a shaky breath. The sound of Lira and Jem trying to kill each other faded.
People were hard. How was she supposed to deal with another person’s feelings when she couldn’t even deal with her own?
She wasn’t used to so much emotion, or the way it was teased out of her by the simplest of things.
A smile, a laugh shared with her, a simple touch on the back of her hand, or a sympathetic squeeze of her shoulder.
The fact was, even if she wanted to do as Lira suggested and get to know Ezra, Analise didn’t know where to start.
Loneliness was a curse, but until Analise was swept into this new existence, she’d not realised the empty feeling that she tried to fill with drink and sex with strangers, was loneliness at all.
And how long did it take to get to know someone anyway? Weeks, months, days? Was it a matter of asking the right questions in the hope the answers would lead her to the truth? And could she even do this, considering what had happened between them?
She rubbed her stomach, trying to dislodge the heavy feeling there.
‘Hungry?’
Analise jumped. Ezra was standing beside her. He wasn’t looking at her, but watching Lira and Jem instead. Her eyes traced the line of his jaw, his throat, lingering on the place she’d sunk her teeth. The heat of his skin was in her fingers.
He glanced at her, holding out his hand. ‘I’ll make you something, if you want.’
She stared at his outstretched hand blankly, then realised he wanted his shirt. She handed it over and when he’d pulled it on, followed him from the basement. There was no sign of Samira in the crowded front bar. A man asked Ezra about fight night but Analise didn’t hear his response.
She trailed him into the kitchen and sat at the table, legs heavy, feeling like her head was floating somewhere above her body.
He didn’t mention the other night, and part of her was glad.
The other part was wondering was that it, then?
Had he gotten her out of his system, like she’d tried to do with him?
‘You’re quiet,’ he observed.
‘Just thinking.’
‘About?’
‘You, if you must know.’ The words were out of her mouth before she could pull them back. ‘I need to thank you, for helping me the other night—or at least for trying. I’m sorry I …’
Tried to eat you. Wanted you to hurt me. Thought you were a monster.
Ezra’s face was tight. ‘Analise—’
‘About the other night—’
‘I didn’t expect … I just wanted to help you.’
‘I know,’ she whispered.
He looked at his hands. ‘And, I thought that if we … I thought I could get this tension out from under my skin.’
Her heart stuttered. ‘And did you?’
‘No. Did you?’
Analise’s chest was heavy all of a sudden; she clenched her thighs together, mouth dry. ‘No,’ she admitted.
‘So, what now?’ Ezra lifted his eyes to hers. ‘Because if it were up to me, I’d be having you for a snack, Analise. Today, tomorrow, the day after …’
She swallowed, and pushed the longing away. ‘Someone gave me some advice, and I’ve decided to take it. Well, to try anyway,’ she said. ‘They suggested I should get to know you with your clothes on.’
His lips twitched. ‘Well, that’s no fun.’
‘Plus, you held a rat for me.’
‘Yes, I did. You need to remember that moment as a sacrifice I made for you.’
Analise smiled. ‘I want to see the real you, Ezra.’
‘You already have—I told you that.’
She dropped her gaze, fidgeting with the salt shaker on the table.
‘What would you have done, if I’d told you what I used to be the night we met?’ Ezra asked.
‘I’d have smashed my glass into your face and made a run for it.’
‘And if I told you later?’
‘I’d have thrown you out and if you’d stayed the night and tried to cook me breakfast in my shitty little kitchen that has no food and then told me … I don’t know, Ezra.’ Analise sighed. ‘I can understand why you didn’t tell me.’
‘That’s something, I guess.’
She wasn’t sure what else to say, so she nodded, and let him cook her something to eat.