Chapter 15
15
‘I’m getting out here.’ Sorrel was already unbuckling her seat belt in the back seat of the taxi taking us through the town centre and out towards Beddingfield and Mum’s place.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ I ordered, leaning over to prevent her from opening the door. ‘You’re coming back with me: I need to know where you are and what you’re up to. Then I’m going to drive Mum’s car to the hospital and you’ll have to come with me.’
‘No way am I going there,’ Sorrel said coldly. ‘I don’t want to see Mum poorly again with tubes everywhere. And don’t you dare say she’s there because of me.’
‘I wasn’t going to say that,’ I protested.
‘I’m off,’ Sorrel said, opening the door while the Uber had stopped at a red light. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
‘Sorrel? Don’t worry about…?’ But she was off, crossing the dual carriageway and heading into the town centre.
‘You letting her go?’ The driver – he’d introduced himself as Davit from Armenia – looked askance at me through his rear-view mirror. ‘You need to keep eye on young girl like that. Why she not in school?’
‘Without actually keeping her under lock and key, I’m not sure how I can do that,’ I said coldly, stung by his criticism. My head was aching, my knee was aching and I felt physically sick with longing for Fabian. I was going to have to message him, tell him I needed him, ask him to drive up to Yorkshire and help me. He’d do that: he loved me; he was an adult in a way Jayden, my own father, never had been; he’d help me sort things out. Talking to myself like this, reassuring myself with a plan of action, was helping to keep panic at bay.
The house, when I let myself in, was feeling cold and unloved, our unwashed breakfast dishes still on the kitchen table where we’d left them. I moved them to the sink – Mum had never wanted a dishwasher – ran hot water and added the last squirt of Fairy liquid from its bottle before chucking it into the overflowing pedal bin and reaching for the kettle. There didn’t appear to be anything resembling proper coffee, but there was a tin of instant and Jess had put a couple of pints of milk in the fridge. Apart from the milk, there was little to celebrate my homecoming, and I knew I needed to do a massive shop.
I attempted a tentative feel at my knee, wincing as pain beat a steady metronomic tempo up and down my leg. The A digestive problems, such as constipation, nausea and vomiting; muscle pain, tingling, numbness, weakness or paralysis. And, most frightening, mental changes, such as anxiety, hallucinations or confusion as well as seizures. Mum had not had an attack like this since I was about twelve, although she’d suffered badly during her pregnancy with Sorrel. Jess had never forgiven Jayden for putting Mum’s health at risk by getting Mum pregnant a third time.
‘Hang on… Mr Spencer…?’ Samantha stood and beckoned over a youngish man who, obviously harassed at the detour he was having to make back in our direction, walked towards us, a frown on his clean-shaven, baby-like features. Was the cliché about young policemen just the same when it came to medical consultants? ‘Mr Spencer’s new here,’ she said in a whispered aside to me. ‘He is so good, Robyn. Really. Lisa couldn’t be in any better hands.’
‘Just on my way for a quick break.’ He tutted. ‘What is it?’
‘This is Lisa Allen’s daughter, Robyn,’ Samantha started. ‘Can you give her a few minutes?’
‘Come on.’ He threw a hand in the direction of an office behind him. ‘I’ve five minutes before I need to be somewhere else.’
‘Down the pub?’ I quipped, attempting levity.
‘No, Ms Allen, to see a young man of eighteen who, because of his chronic illness, failed to gain the necessary A-level grades to take him off to Cambridge this autumn and who thought death a better alternative than taking up the place offered elsewhere.’
‘Right. I’m so sorry.’ Suitably chastened, I followed the man into his office.
‘Mum’s not very well, is she?’ I asked, sinking gratefully, if not gracefully, into the proffered seat to one side of his desk.
‘We’re going to do the very best for her, but, yes, she is poorly.’ The man was quickly perusing a file of notes. ‘We’re stabilising her and then, once we’ve done that, we’ll run the battery of tests needed to assess her. Look, go in and see her. How much time do you have? I believe you live in London?’
‘Oh, you know?’
‘Jess put me in the picture. To be honest, I can see your sister needs some help, some coping strategies…’
‘Sorrel?’
‘Who’s Sorrel?’
‘My little sister. She’s fifteen.’
‘Ah yes, the catalyst for Lisa’s not feeling she can manage any more.’
‘Oh, please don’t let Sorrel know you feel she’s to blame.’
‘I’ve never met your little sister, Ms Allen, and apportioning blame isn’t helpful to anyone at the moment. I was actually talking about Jess: she’s just about at her wits’ end, you know.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.’
‘As I say, no one’s pointing a finger at anyone. When do you go back?’
‘Back?’
‘I thought Jess said you lived in London?’
‘Not any more.’ I felt my heart plummet down to my injured knee. ‘I’m here now. Here until I’m not needed any more. Right, I’ll go in and see her. Thank you so much for all your help. It really is appreciated.’
‘Mum?’
Every time I saw my mum, when I’d not seen her for a while, I marvelled anew at what an incredibly beautiful woman she was and, for a good few seconds, I simply gazed down at her. This was my mum, the woman who’d single-handedly brought up me and Jess – and then Sorrel – trying her very best to be the mum she knew we should have, though not always achieving that goal. Her slim wrists and long tapering fingers lay along the white sheet and coverlet, the wavy dark hair framing her coffee-coloured, heart-shaped face curled onto the starched white hospital pillow. Her full mouth was slightly open but, as she came round, appearing to fight the reality of the hospital room, her eyelids fluttered, she frowned and muttered something incomprehensible.
‘Mum,’ I said again, moving over to sit on the chair at her bedside, taking her hand in my own.
‘Jayden?’ For a split second, when she thought it was my dad at her side, her face lit up in a smile.
‘It’s me, Mum. Robyn.’
‘Robyn? Oh? How lovely to see you.’ She turned her face fully towards mine. ‘You’re looking so well.’
I felt immediate guilt that I’d not been home, nor really been in touch for ages, so in love had I been with my new life. With Fabian.
‘Not really, Mum. I’ve damaged my knee; can’t dance any more. But never mind about me.’ I stroked her hand.
She didn’t speak, but a single tear rolled down her cheek.
‘Mum.’ I knew, if I wasn’t careful, I was going to cry myself and that was the last thing she needed. I had to try to be strong for her, get her well, get her home. ‘Mum? Jess, Sorrel and I, we all love you. We’re here for you, you know that.’
‘I know, I know. It’s just… it’s just… I’m so tired. So tired of having this bloody condition. Fed up of wanting to have your dad with me all the time and now Sorrel… she really hates me.’
‘Mum, Sorrel is fifteen . Fifteen-year-olds hate everyone …’ I broke off, attempting levity. ‘Bolshy teens don’t love anyone but themselves.’ I frowned, afraid that Sorrel didn’t even love herself at the moment. ‘And Dad? Well, Jayden is Jayden. You can’t change him , Mum. You should know that by now…’ I trailed off, realising that telling Mum off, telling her what she should be doing – and what she shouldn’t – wasn’t going to help at the moment. She was an intelligent woman – she knew she’d spent too much of her life obsessed with one man. One who most certainly did not merit all the emotion she’d poured into him.
‘But…’
‘I’m back up here in Yorkshire now, Mum,’ I said, smiling, trying hard to take away some of the despair I knew she was feeling at finding herself back in hospital once more. ‘I’m going to be looking after Sorrel, making sure she goes to school.’
‘Well, good luck with that. I’ve tried, Robyn. She takes no notice of me. And I just don’t want her to have to put up with me when I’m like this. It means she has to do a lot of things for herself, and for me – things I should be doing. It’s not fair on a fifteen-year-old.’
‘She is fifteen, that’s the whole point, Mum. She should be doing things for herself at her age. Jess and I both had to, if you remember? You’ve spoilt her, and she needs to grow up a bit, so stop right there! I’m here now and I’m going to help you get better.’
‘Thank you, Robyn.’ She smiled, but one hand continued to clutch compulsively at the bed covers. Her voice wavered and another tear fell, unheeded, and then, apropos of nothing, she suddenly added, ‘Never fall in love with someone so deeply that they take over your life, that you can’t be without them.’
I knew this wasn’t the time for me to be telling Mum I didn’t believe that what she felt for Jayden was anything but obsession: a compulsive infatuation fuelled by learned behaviour reaching back, probably, to the childhood she spoke so little about. I wasn’t versed in psychology. Should I advise Mum to forget Jayden, that he was never going to change, that she had to break this cycle? Or tell her what she wanted to hear to give this darling mum of mine some small shred of hope?
I chose the latter. ‘Jayden’s been with us for the last couple of days, Mum. He came to see me at the theatre and then, when I hurt my leg, he drove me home.’
‘Jayden did?’ Her eyes lit up. ‘Oh, did he?’ Her eyes moved towards the door. ‘And is he here now?’
‘He had to drive up to Aberdeen. He has several gigs up in Scotland…’
‘Right.’ Mum’s face immediately began to crumple and close down once more.
‘But he came to Sorrel’s school with me.’ I smiled.
‘Did he?’ Mum smiled once more. ‘Oh, good. That’s good. That head teacher at the high school just wouldn’t listen to me. I tried, Robyn, honestly… Oh, Robyn, but she was so intimidating. She was quite terrifying… She reminded me of…’
‘Of?’ I leaned forward, hoping Mum was going to open up about her past, something she’d never done before.
Mum didn’t speak for a few seconds. ‘Liz Truss,’ she eventually said.
‘Liz Truss?’ I stared at Mum.
‘Hmm. Liz Truss with a spectacular chest.’ Mum actually began to laugh at that. ‘So, you managed to persuade that headmistress to keep Sorrel?’ Mum’s beautiful almond-shaped brown eyes began to close and I could see she was drifting off once more.
‘All will be well, Mum. Really. You just rest and get yourself better. Jess and I will sort everything.’
‘Don’t make my mistake,’ she murmured. ‘Don’t ruin your life by falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, like I did. And Jess did. That dreadful Dean…’ Mum’s eyes closed under the sedation, but she smiled, her facing lighting up with pleasure. ‘This lovely new man of yours, though, Robyn, sounds perfect… I’m so pleased for you…’
I dropped a kiss on Mum’s cheek, standing as Samantha popped her head around the door. ‘Let her rest, Robyn,’ she advised as I followed her out of the room. ‘Anyway, I hear you’ve a wonderful new chap in your life?’ She nudged me somewhat suggestively in the ribs. ‘Jess was telling me all about him. Some posh barrister in London?’
‘Yes.’ I smiled, suddenly knowing I had to speak to Fabian. Had to tell him what was happening. ‘Just off to ring him now.’
‘You do right.’ She laughed. ‘Ooh, to be in your twenties, living in London and in love.’ She patted my arm. ‘Don’t you worry about Lisa. She’s in the best place here. You go and talk to your man. Get him to come up to Yorkshire to be with you.’
I limped my way back to the car, settling myself and breathing deeply to steady my nerves. Then, realising it wasn’t yet midday and Fabian would more than likely be in court, I took the coward’s way out and messaged him rather than ringing.
Fabian, I am so very very sorry that we appear to have fallen out again. Probably all my fault! As you say, me and my pride! I’m back in Yorkshire – afraid I had a bit of an accident and damaged my knee good and proper this time. My mum’s not well and I’m trying to sort out my little sister. I can’t tell you how much I love and miss you. Please, give me a ring as soon as you are able.
Robyn.
Knowing Fabian would more than likely be either with clients in his office or in court, I didn’t anticipate an immediate response from him. I sat back in the driving seat, closed my eyes and endeavoured to get my racing pulse back to normal before turning the key in the ignition ready to make my way back to Beddingfield.
My heart did a somersault as my phone sprang to life with a message.
I think everything that needed to be said has been said, Robyn. I also think it best for both our sakes that we formally terminate our relationship and have no further contact with each other.
Fabian