Chapter 3
H annah had expected to feel an airy sense of elation at the conclusion of tonight’s dinner. She imagined herself returning to her bedchamber, having perfectly executed her plan and now free of Lord Lansdowne’s potential proposal. She would throw herself on the mattress with a bounce of excitement and settle in for a deep and restful sleep.
Her plan had all unfolded precisely as she imagined. Not only was she found with a gentleman unchaperoned, but they had been discovered in a passionate embrace.
Desperate to keep Simon close to her so that they would be found in as compromising a position as possible, the kiss had been quick inspiration in the moment.
She thought Simon had inspiration of his own when he claimed he had proposed to her, an ingenious act for the little scene they were creating. It would halt Lord Lansdowne’s in his tracks if he thought to play the hero and offer to preserve her reputation by marrying her himself.
It had all been perfect until Lord Lansdowne departed and Sarah had educated her on the grave error she made, the entire plot spinning wildly out of control.
Her scheme had been intended to ruin her for any marriage, not betroth her to Simon. It was not supposed to happen this way. Simon was supposed to find the whole thing a jolly lark. He always enjoyed pranks and playing tricks in their youth. She thought he would laugh when she revealed her plot, perhaps even congratulate her on her intelligence at devising such a scheme.
But instead, he had been furious with her. She had never seen him so aggrieved before.
He had certainly never spoken to her with such censure before. Simon had always only had kind words for her. Even when he teased her, it was always gentle.
But in the library, his words had dripped with bitterness and contempt. His eyes had blazed with fury, making it impossible for him to look at her in the end.
And now you must marry a man who will not even look at you.
She sank onto the edge of her bed, folding her hands in her lap. “This did not go to plan at all.”
Caroline plopped down beside her. “It is not my fault. I carried out my task perfectly. With the exception of tagging along because I wanted to see what happened. I remain unsure concerning the wisdom of that decision. On the one hand, I did not have to hear about it all second-hand. On the other hand, it was quite the uncomfortable scene to witness.”
“Yes, it must have been trying for you ,” Hannah said in a clipped tone before frowning, her voice worried now. “I have never seen Simon so furious before.”
“It is the shock of it all, I’m certain,” Caroline assured her. “He will forgive you in time, as he always has. Do you not remember when you spilled ink on his new riding coat? Or when you lost the book his tutor lent him? Or when you told your father you saw him kissing one of the kitchen maids?”
The list of all the horrible things she had done to Simon made her flinch as each action was named. All these years, she believed she was a true friend to Simon and yet she had wronged him repeatedly. And now she had betrayed him in the worst way by involving him in her scheme without his consent, thinking he would simply go along with it because he was kind. She assumed Simon’s kindness was limitless and had never expected her actions might upset him.
He was right. She gave no thought to his feelings at all. He had only been a means to an end for her.
She truly was an awful, selfish person.
“I have ruined everything.”
“It’s not ruined, but you have created quite a mess,” Sarah said as she swept into the room with a look of disappointment so heavy that Hannah lowered her eyes to her lap.
“Caroline, could I please have a moment to speak with Hannah alone?” Sarah asked.
Caroline did not put up any argument, learning from her earlier intrusion, glad to escape the tense mood in the room. Sarah took her place next to Hannah on the bed.
“I am not here to berate you, dear, but I want to ensure you understand the error of your ways tonight. You have hurt Simon with your complete disregard for him.”
Tears pricked Hannah’s eyes as the true extent of the damage washed over her. He would never forgive her for forcing him into all of this.
“I never thought that we would be forced to marry,” Hannah said. “I thought it would only ruin my reputation.”
“Unfortunately, it does not work that way, dear. If Simon does not marry you, Lansdowne will be sure to tell everyone what he witnessed. Simon does not have a title that could shield him from leaving the daughter of a nobleman in ruin. His name and reputation are all my brother has, and he cannot let it be tarnished by jilting you.”
“So I have doomed us both.” Hannah sniffled as she wiped away a tear that had escaped. “I only wanted to spend my life mourning John. I did not mean to hurt anyone else.”
Sarah sighed and wrapped her arms around Hannah, rubbing a comforting hand up and down her back. “My dear, I know you loved John with all your heart, but I am afraid you have done yourself such a disservice in making your life about him.”
“He was supposed to be my husband. A wife’s life should only be about her husband. Miss Ulster always said so,” Hannah said, quoting her old governess.
“A wife’s purpose is to support her husband, but that does not mean she makes her entire self into a reflection of him. I worry that you may have done that, my dear. Your favourite food is his favourite food. It is the same with colours, books, sport, dance, music, and anything else a person might have a preference for. I’m afraid you grew into the perfect woman for John, but not into your true self.”
Sarah made it sound as if she was at fault for shaping her preferences to match her intended’s. Even Sarah conceded a wife’s role was to support her husband. Possessing the same preferences and opinions as one’s husband seemed the perfect way to do so.
“There is nothing wrong with aspiring to be in harmony with one’s husband,” Hannah said, offended at being set out as a false person created for someone else.
“I am not saying you are wrong, my dear. Only that you should consider what is to come in your future. You may have wanted to spend your life mourning John, but that cannot be. You could consider this an opportunity to find a new path. Perhaps you could even give Simon a chance to be something more than your friend.”
Simon as something more than a friend? He was her to be her husband. What more could he be?
Oh!
Simon’s assertion of her general ignorance proved correct. She should have known immediately that Sarah was speaking about Hannah considering Simon in a romantic light.
Which brought to mind the kiss they shared. With the complete failure of her plan, the yelling, and all the blaming, she had not considered the kiss.
It had begun as a simple press of lips together, but then Simon had kissed her back, igniting a stirring within she had not felt since John. Although considering his artful tongue, her reaction to Simon should not have been so surprising.
Simon Langley, her childhood companion and soon-to-be husband, was an excellent kisser.
And yet, surprising or not, it was an irrelevant realization.
“It does not matter,” she told Sarah. “Simon hates me now.”
Sarah rested her cheek on the top of Hannah’s head as she hugged her tighter. “He does not hate you, I am certain of that. Simon cannot hate anyone. He is angry, yes, but I know he will calm down in time. All will be right between the two of you, I promise.”
Sarah’s words were not reassuring. Hannah had used Simon badly for her own ends and showed him no consideration whatsoever. Desperate for freedom, she had unintentionally trapped a kind man along with herself.
Simon was right. She was so bloody stupid.
***
It was a struggle to descend the stairs at Cosburn Park, each step sending a throbbing drum beat through Simon’s head and making his soured stomach roll. A reminder that whiskey only offered regret the morning after.
Talbot had left the bottle with him last night and Simon made good use of it by drowning his sorrows. He vaguely recalled stumbling to his room at some point in the night, waking up half in the bed, still dressed and tossing up his accounts into a chamber pot.
He considered trying to fall back asleep, hoping to wake up later in some semblance of normalcy, but he learned long ago that moving about was the best cure for the aftereffects of drink. So he washed and dressed and made his way downstairs.
Unfortunately, the movement seemed to offer little relief to his headache. Although the source of the pounding might not only be overindulgence in whiskey. There was still the matter of his impending marriage.
A fresh wave of anger washed over him at the thought. It was not fair. Throughout his life, he scrupulously avoided any suggestion of impropriety with ladies. Not merely to escape the bonds of marriage, but because he respected them. He knew some men took sport in seducing and compromising ladies, but he was never among them. He found the idea cruel and immoral, and he had never been either.
No, he observed all the rules of polite society and only interacted with eligible ladies at a distance and always with their chaperones between them. All that work and yet he was being forced to marry because he had been caught compromising a lady.
Ah, but that was not what actually had happened. He had not compromised a lady. No, he was the compromised gentleman.
Hannah had been the one to kiss him, which should have been the happiest experience of his life.
And it had been for a few short moments as he held her in his arms and tasted her sweetness. Then reality had come crashing through the library door along with Lord Lansdowne, turning it into the worst moment of his life.
He had only been a prop in her plan to escape Lord Lansdowne. Even now, he could not believe how little he must rate to Hannah if she could use him in such a way. She had given no thought to what the consequences would be for him because he did not matter.
It was a slap in the face to discover how irrelevant he was to her.
He had been hopeful that as he had slept later than most, the other guests would be long gone from the breakfast room, but his hopes were dashed the moment he stepped into the room.
Not only were Sir Thomas, Lord and Lady Exmouth and Lady Markham at the table, Hannah sat there with Caroline, the two bent together in whispers, likely plotting another trick on him. Not that there could be anything worse than what had already been done.
He wanted to turn and flee, but it would appear strange to the other guests. He could not rouse any suspicions that something improper had happened last night when news of their engagement was announced.
No, he would need to sit down to breakfast with everyone and behave as if nothing was amiss.
There was still plenty of food waiting on the sideboard, but little of it appealed to his sour stomach. He selected a buttered roll so his stomach would not be completely empty, along with strong coffee. Hopefully, it would be enough to fortify him.
He strategically chose his spot at the large round table only a few places away from Hannah so he was not facing her, nor close enough to require conversation. He could feel her eyes on him and hear the whispers between her and Caroline, but he resolutely ignored her.
He greeted the other guests before consuming his small breakfast quickly and then departing the room, his mood still as sour as his stomach.
“Uncle Simon!”
He winced but did his best to smile as Charles came up to him, all enthusiasm that youths who had not spent their night in their cups possessed.
“Shall we ride out today?” Charles asked.
Simon’s head was like to bounce right off his shoulders if he were astride a horse. However, he did not want to disappoint his nephew, who was eager to spend time with him.
“Not a ride today, as I am suffering from a headache, but a walk in the fresh air might restore me.”
“We should take the south terrace. It is opposite the upper library. If Jacob spots us through the windows, he is like to join us to avoid his Latin lessons,” Charles said.
“As he should. There is nothing duller than Latin.” Simon considered that was likely not the thing he should say to a young man soon meant for Oxford. “Despite that, you should still study it. It is important.”
Charles chuckled. “I shall keep that in mind.”
They reached the stairs that led down to the garden, following the crushed stone path as it wound its way through the flowers that were beginning to bloom. While the world rejuvenated, Simon’s life was experiencing its own transformation, although his was destined to end in despair rather than gorgeous blooms.
Best not to dwell on that now if he hoped to rid himself of his headache.
“Are you looking forward to Oxford in the autumn?” Simon asked Charles.
“I rather am.”
“Try your best to avoid any escapades.”
“I am certain you participated in quite a few yourself.”
“Yes, but not until I was older than you are now. And do not get yourself in trouble when it comes to women,” he warned Charles when he spotted Hannah and Caroline walking towards them on the stone path.
They must have left the breakfast room immediately after him, circling around to the west wing entrance to the garden in order to position themselves in his path.
Always the plotter that Hannah was.
Charles was all smiles when he spotted them, although Simon quickly realized the smiles were for Caroline only. Simon recognized that shine of devotion in Charles’s eyes as he gazed at her. The poor lad knew not what awaited him.
Pain. Disrespect. A wholly consuming anger burning within.
“Good day, ladies,” Charles greeted them. “It is a fine day. Easter is not always fortunate for weather. Let us hope it is not fickle and turns on us.”
Hannah stared at Simon, but he resolutely turned his head away from her. Seeing her only fuelled his anger, and he refused to lose his temper in front of others. He only wished she realized she would be best to stay far out of his path for now.
It was Caroline who finally broke the long silence that hung in the air.
“Yes, a fine day, indeed. So fine that I would love to enjoy the view of the lake on such a day. Charles, would you walk me there?”
Charles was ecstatic at the idea of playing escort to Caroline and eagerly offered his arm to her. “I would be delighted, Caroline.”
With the look exchanged between the two ladies, this must be another one of their plots to get Simon alone, and he knew they would keep at it until Hannah got what she wanted. If she must speak with him alone, best it happened out here and away from the other guests. The last thing they needed was anyone overhearing the reason why they would soon be marrying.
Charles and Caroline headed off in the direction of the lake as Hannah wrung her hands together, her sapphire eyes wide and imploring as she gazed up at him.
“Simon, I must apologise to you. I could barely sleep last night for how awful I feel about what happened. I never thought that any of this would happen. I did not consider the consequences you would face.”
Naturally, she did not consider me at all. That would require her to think about me in any capacity.
“Ah yes, because I am second class,” he snapped at her. “Like I always have been to you.”
Her brow wrinkled in confusion. “No, not at all. Simon, you are one of the most important people in my life.”
Perhaps it was the lingering headache or that he had finally been pushed to his limit, but he could no longer hold back his bitterness.
“We both know that is a lie! I mean no more to you than the dirt beneath your feet and you treat me with the same regard!” he snapped at her. “Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve rather a headache and want to lie down.”
He headed towards the house, but he did not get far before a small hand wrapped around his arm. He turned to find Hannah would not be so easily dismissed.
“Simon, please. You are important to me! You are a part of my family. I am torn up with guilt over what I have done. You must let me apologize. I cannot live twisted up with guilt like this.”
Yes, what truly mattered was that she did not feel guilty.
She had learned nothing from last night. Here she was again, alone with him—touching him with an ungloved hand even!
She did not consider him as a true gentleman she needed to observe propriety with.
His upper lip curled as he looked at her hand on him, but it did not seem to dissuade her.
“You must believe me. It never crossed my mind that they would truly force us to marry,” she said. “If it had, I certainly never would have involved you.”
No, she would never dream of doing anything that might possibly tie herself to him. The idea of being involved with him in any way was so outrageous that she would never imagine it.
She stared up at him expectantly, her dark lashes fluttering as she pursed her lips. Lips he now knew tasted like ratafia and cinnamon and were so very warm—
No!
He was not some weak-willed boy who could be charmed into stupidity by a wink and a low-cut dress.
“If that is all, I must go now,” he said. “You will catch up with Charles and Caroline if you hurry.”
The lines in her forehead deepened as she tilted her head to the side as she regarded him. “I thought that—do you not…well, when someone apologizes, it is customary to accept that apology. Do you forgive me, Simon?”
Her gaze, a heartbreaking mixture of sadness and fear, spoke of innocence lost and a desperate need for comfort, a plea he would not answer.
No, what he wanted was for her to hurt as much as he did.
“How could I forgive you? You used me, Hannah! I was a means to an end for you!”
“No, that is not true!”
Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes, and that was when his anger finally wavered. He hated seeing Hannah cry. No matter how many ways he was hurt, Simon could not stop caring for her. Even when she treated him like he was no better than some chess piece to be moved, he still loved her.
His feelings for Hannah would always be there, and that was why he needed to keep his distance from her.
How inconvenient she was about to become his wife. He would need to set the boundaries between them now, if only to keep himself sane.
“It does not matter,” he said, his voice cold as he yanked his arm free of her grip. “We will be married to save our reputations and there is nothing to be done to change it.”
He turned away from her, resolute on leaving, but then he hesitated and turned back to her. “You know the most unfortunate part? I persuaded your father not to force you into marriage. If you had simply waited, he would have told you. Now you have ruined both of our lives and all for nothing.”
Her tears finally fell, two streaks sliding down her cheeks, dripping from her chin to hit the crushed stone at their feet, turning it black.
“Simon, please! I am sorry. I cannot bear you being angry with me. You must forgive me.”
He simply shook his head, refusing to let her tears extinguish his anger. He needed the anger to protect himself.
“Why, Hannah? So that you may feel better about what you have done? So that you can absolve yourself of the guilt you feel? Why should I do that for you?”
She had no response to that.
“There are always consequences to your actions, Hannah. It is a pity it took you this long to learn that.”