Epilogue
She was the size of a whale. That was the only way she could think to describe herself these days.
For the first time in the past several months, William’s mother and Old Nan had agreed on something.
That Agnes was due any day. And her anxiousness grew by the minute.
The fear of not knowing was the worst. How much pain would she feel, if some unforeseen problem might cause danger to her or the wee one.
Both women also agreed, Agnes was in top health, and each took credit for it.
Whether it was from her regular walks or the enormous amount of food they shoved at her, she had to admit, she felt well. But she’d been to a dark place in the past and she feared, as well she might return there after the bairn was born, as she was aware that could happen to some mothers.
Agnes had not shared any of her fears with anyone because they appeared worried enough. While she was in the best hands possible, she understood all too well that so much could and sometimes did go very wrong.
As she sat on the bench in the garden the sound of a chiffchaff echoed around her.
Usually the first birds she heard in spring, the sound brought light to her heart.
This wee creature reminded her that everything renews in spring.
And she would too. As she stood to go find William, her waters broke, gushing down over her legs and feet.
A stabbing pain ripped through her the moment it happened and she doubled over.
“Oh!”
The first pain passed and she was able to stand upright to find William running toward her.
“Agnes!”
“The babe comes,” she said through clenched teeth. “Help me inside.”
William made to lift her but she stopped him. “No, let me walk. It will help.”
Another contraction overtook her and she doubled over again. When she looked up, his mother and Old Nan were making their way to her.
“You had better get her inside quickly,” his mother said.
“I wrote to her mother months ago and asked what her deliveries were like and her reply said they were swift and excruciating. We don’t have much time so unless you want her to birth this child here on the lawns for all to see, you need to get her inside. ”
Agnes wasn’t sure she liked the descriptors her mother used. There was no way to predict how a woman’s labor would transpire. But this pain was intensifying and when William picked her up, she was sure she would faint in his arms.
But she held on. High above her the chiffchaff called to her, reminding her of her purpose and responsibility to the wee one about to come into the world.
Agnes focused on the bird’s call each time a new contraction swept over her.
By the time they reached her chamber, she was bathed in sweat.
His mother and he helped her out of her gown and into a birthing shift and then into bed.
Once she was off her feet, she felt a little better and the contractions gave way to brief moments where she could catch her breath and prepare for the next.
William mopped her brow like she’d done for him all those months ago when he was racked with pain from a poisoned arrow. She remembered how helpless she felt and by the look of concern on his face now, he might be feeling that same helplessness keenly.
The next contraction brought with it an overwhelming need to push.
“Not yet, lass,” Old Nan said as she checked to see how far Agnes had advanced. “You must let the next couple happen without pushing. Talk to her, laddie. Keep her mind occupied. If she pushes too soon, the babe will tear her apart.”
The pain meddled with her ability to comprehend, so great with the pressure building beyond her ability to resist.
He sat beside her and held onto her as the pain made her body shake. “Do you remember Fin?”
She nodded through her breathing. His mother was on the other side of her demonstrating how to control inhaling and exhaling and Agnes focused hard on just that.
“Fin has sent us a gift for our wee one that we three will open together as soon as he’s here. Come on, wee laddie,” he said.
She knew he was jesting to try to distract her, but it was of no use.
She tilted her head back as the next contraction hit.
She couldn’t survive much more of this and now understood why women fell into darkness from this process.
How could one not feel violated by something that was supposed to be precious and magical?
Doubt crept into her heart. Wasn’t she supposed to be overjoyed right now? There was no joy in her heart as the old woman kept her from doing what her body so desperately wanted. She began to resent them all then. How could they allow this torture to continue when relief was so close at hand?
“Surely she must be ready to push now. Can’t you see how much agony she is in?”
Willam’s words mirrored her own thoughts which had now turned as dark as they’d ever been.
She’d already failed this child and William for not being able to withstand the pain that came with bringing her into the world.
She was angry with God who had blessed her with such a gift but at the cost of her own self-worth.
A small bird flew in through the window and landed atop the wardrobe as if to further mock her.
Agnes sat up a little. “I will be pushing on this next wave, so you had better be ready,” she said with far more assertion than any words she’d ever spoken before.
William held her tighter as the old woman nodded. “You are as ready as you could ever be. When I tell you, I want you to push down hard and stop when I tell you. Do you understand?”
“Aye.” She would listen as long as they were moving forward.
When the next wave came, the old woman called out. “Push!”
Agnes leaned forward with her chin on her chest and pushed with all her might. “Stop!”
The woman placed her hand on Agnes’s leg. “That was really good, lass. One more will do it. Are you ready?”
Agnes brought her head forward again and nodded. She had no strength for words. All of it would be used to bring her bairn into the world.
“Push!”
And push she did. With all the strength she could muster, she envisioned her child’s head coming out. That alone released an enormous amount of pressure.
“Stop now. One more and your wee one will be here.”
Agnes focused on the old woman as if no one else was in the chamber with them. The bird called from the wardrobe just as the final wave hit and she could hear the word “Push!”
As the bairn came into the world, Agnes was vaguely aware the bird flew back out through the window and all the pressure in her body released. The old woman lifted the child upside down and waited.
The lone cry washed over Agnes in a shower of light. All doubt washed out of her mind and her heart in a second. The old woman placed the wee one on Agnes’s chest as she wiped the child down and made to cut the cord.
Once that was done Agnes looked down at her precious angel surely sent from God, despite her earlier doubt.
“Well,” William said. “Is it a laddie or a lass?”
She didn’t have to look, but she did. This ferocious lass would claim the world as her own; Agnes was as sure as she existed.
“She’s a bright wee lassie to be sure,” she said to him as he lifted the blanket from her face.
Sleepy eyes met Agnes’s gaze as a little hand curled around her finger. She was lost in the power this little one held over her. The old woman and William’s mother shooed him out as they set to clean her up and ensure she would heal properly.
Now seated in a chair by the hearth and wearing a clean nursing gown with the maids stripping the bed, Agnes would never tire of staring at this darling little one who had taken all the broken pieces inside her and mended them together with one small cry.
Much later, after they helped her nurse for the first time, she lay in bed with the bairn between her and William. A cradle rested by her side for the nighttime feedings. She had all sorts of offers to assist her with aspects from changing nappies to finding a nursing maid from the village.
Agnes didn’t want any of that. All she wanted now was for this peace in her heart to remain for all time.
When she looked up from staring at her daughter, it was to find William staring at her. “I saw the moment you changed,” he said.
“How do you mean?”
“You struggled and I could feel your pain rolling off you in waves. I wanted so desperately to take that pain from you, but you sank deeper into it. When she made her first cry, your whole body changed. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from you forever. Your body relaxed into mine for the first time in a long time.”
“I admit, I was having some doubt.”
“Aye, and I’m glad this was not Nan’s first birthing,” he said as he moved some of the babe’s blanket from her face.
She was absolute perfection as she lay there sleeping soundly swaddled in a soft linen blanket.
“Do you have a name in mind?” she asked him, understanding the responsibility to his family with their first born.
“I shall ask you to do that honor, Agnes. I believe you have earned that right.”
She didn’t have to think long on it. For during all these months there was only one name that came back to her time and again.
“Her name is Morag.”
His teeth glinted in the candlelight from his broad smile. “Well, that sure is fitting. The Star of the Sea? Aye, I couldn’t imagine you coming up with any name better.”
“And I could not imagine a more perfect family. Truly, William. We are so very blessed. And should you ever find that I carry darkness in my heart, please come and talk to me. You will get through to me; I know it now.”
“That I promise you, with all my heart.”
How long they lay there on that first night she would never be able to say. But as the sun rose and she’d nursed Morag twice more that night, she vowed she’d never forsake the blessings that had been bestowed upon them ever again.
They’d opened Fin’s gift which was a dove with a small branch in its beak carved from stag antler. A beautiful sentiment of purity, love, and new beginnings.
With William snoring in their bed and Morag quietly snuggled into her arms, Agnes stared out through the window.
The birds were just waking and more than one stopped by to land on the windowsill as if to pay homage to this new miracle they had witnessed.
The world was a brighter place today with a new child to celebrate.
Before long, their lives would become hectic with more bairns and more commotion in the castle.
Agnes would impress this moment upon her heart and soul for all time.
This was her shield to ward off any darkness ever threatening to creep into her heart and mind in the future.
She had not failed as a mother. It was to be her strength and with that came a renewed sense of herself.
A love she had lost but that now returned with a vengeance.
When she heard the chiffchaff’s call this time, it was to celebrate her own renewal.
THE END