Chapter 16
“In the three weeks since we went to the arbitration, my kids have been calling me more often. I think my ex is spiraling down, and maybe the relationship she has with her new boyfriend isn’t going so well.”
Phoebe glanced at Tillman again across the seat as she drove away from the school.
She knew what he just said was not good, but she couldn’t really chalk the feeling that she had up to that. There was a fear that had taken hold of the bottom of her backbone, seeming to squeeze tight, that he would be going back to his ex, that they would reconcile and patch everything up.
She wanted that. Truly, if that was God’s will and if that was best for them, but in a personal, selfish way, she didn’t want that to happen at all. She had gotten used to the idea of having Tillman around, not just used to it, she looked forward to working with him, enjoyed his presence, and...wondered sometimes if there might be more between them.
She’d thought that time of her life had passed her by, but being with Tillman, she almost felt like maybe she could fall in love. Maybe God really did have someone for her. Maybe there really was someone she just felt comfortable and completely at ease with, someone she worked well with together, and someone who could handle her crazy family. Someone who loved the things she did and wanted the same things she did as well.
It was a little early to see if Tillman was all that, but she definitely had a feeling of rightness when she was with him.
“Are they okay?” she asked, trying to focus on the children first. What she wanted really didn’t matter if it wasn’t best for them. And the best thing for them would be for Tillman and his wife to get back together.
Right?
“I think so. Erin started calling me in the morning whenever she gets up so I can make sure that she’s up for school. That was after there was a day two weeks ago and two days last week where their mom didn’t get up and they missed the bus, before I had Erin start calling me. So far, that’s worked.”
“Wow. That’s terrible. Maybe the school will do something.”
“Nicole had the kids lie. She sent an excuse in saying that Erin had a stomachache and then it went away. And then she said that they had no hot water, I think. Anyway, she’s making up excuses so it doesn’t look like it’s her bad parenting. And she’s told Erin and Rowan not to tell anyone.”
“They told you.”
“Yeah. And... I told my lawyer, although I don’t know if it’s going to do any good. It doesn’t seem like the judge has much compassion toward me or much concern about the kids having contact with their father.”
“Surely the judge typically makes good decisions. And I’ve been praying that the Lord will work this out so that you get to see your children. I have confidence that He will.”
“I’m glad you have confidence, because I found that I really don’t. I just want them so much it hurts.” He lifted his shoulder up and looked out the window before he spoke again. “Anyway. I’ve been on my phone more than I usually have, and you’ve been really great with my hours and not micromanaging the stuff that I do. Most of my phone calls are about work, calling buddies of mine to pull in favors to get them to come to the rodeo and to get them to spread the word to their friends. I think we’re going to have a pretty big turnout, although I haven’t wanted to say anything until I get complete confirmation.”
“That’s exciting. And whatever you have to do with your children, I’ve already told you, that’s more important than your job. It’ll still be here for you whenever you’re back. But your kids come first.”
“I really appreciate you saying that. Although, I wasn’t sure if you meant it. Sometimes people just say things.”
“I know. And I don’t want to be one of those people. Maybe you’ll have to remind me about it. I haven’t noticed that you slacked off in any of your work, but I have noticed that you work on weekends, and you show up earlier in the morning then you need to and stay later at night.”
“I love what I do. It’s hard for me to knock off in the evening, and I want to jump out of bed and get started in the morning.”
“And no one asked you to do that. You do it on your own, and I love it and appreciate it. So whatever you need to do with your kids, it’s okay. You’ve already put in way more time than anyone expects.”
“Thank you. I really do appreciate it.”
She could tell he was sincere. She could also tell that the conversation wasn’t easy for him. He didn’t want to be patted on the back for his work ethic. It was just who he was. And he didn’t want to have to deal with his kids because his wife wasn’t able to or because she was hungover, or whatever was going on.
None of that was anything that he wanted to handle, but he was manning up and doing what needed to be done.
Phoebe thought again of Mina and how she had told her that sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done, whether you want to or not.
Phoebe didn’t like to say that and tried to give her some specific strategies, but life wasn’t easy.
Of course, there were things that children shouldn’t have to endure, like mothers who were hungover and didn’t get out of bed. Like parents who fought and argued and didn’t stay together. Like bullies at school. Unfortunately, they lived in a fallen world, and all of those things happened.
Phoebe thought a little bit about trying to be a light in a dark world. Trying to be joy and happiness in a world that was full of pain and suffering. Trying to reflect Jesus to people who didn’t know Him.
It was hard to do that when a person’s own life felt like it was lying at one’s feet in ashes.
Joy in the midst of suffering. Peace in the midst of the storm. Love in the midst of hate.
That didn’t mean that sin wasn’t sin and shouldn’t be dealt with. After all, Jesus showed love and compassion, but He also told the woman at the well to go and sin no more. He didn’t hang out with her in her sin. He called it out.
It was hard to do that in love.
“You’re deep in contemplation this morning. I thought we were going to be having a work meeting.”
“I guess God’s trying to speak to me about something, and I’m not sure what it is. You’re going through a hard time, Mina is going through a hard time, your kids are going through a hard time, Priscilla is going through a hard time... There are so many people around me who are going through hard times, and it seems like the lessons for me are for people in hard times, but that’s not me. I’m content with my life. Yeah, my heart hurts for you, it hurts for Mina and Priscilla and your kids, and for Ezra and the finances of the ranch, but I just have a peace. I’m not worried. I’m not concerned. And...if truth be told, I’m a little hopeful.”
“Hopeful?”
“Maybe about the rodeo. Maybe about some other things,” she said, not wanting to tell him that she was a little bit hopeful about the relationship that was developing between her and him. That’s exactly what she was hopeful about. But maybe it was a premature hope, and she didn’t want to get the cart ahead of the horse.
“I wish I had that optimism.”
“I think it’s from the Lord. I honestly do. I... I used to pray that God would give me love and compassion and grace and peace where I felt anger and bitterness and hatred and sadness after my parents’ accident. Of course, He didn’t do that right away, but as I look back over the years, I can see that gradually taking over my soul, and as I emptied myself of the anger and bitterness, God filled it with the things that I wanted.”
“I suppose that’s inspiring and encouraging, but I have a long way to go.”
She didn’t say anything, because she really didn’t think there was much to say, and after another mile or two, he said, “I’ve been wanting to tell you about the people that I have who have committed to coming to the rodeo, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up until I was sure.”
“Are these the people that you’ve been spending so much time on the phone with?” she asked, remembering that he said that not all the time that he spent on the phone was with his kids.
“Yeah. I’ve been calling pretty much everyone I know and asking them to call everyone they know. I said that I’d really like to make this the biggest privately held rodeo of the year. I think I might even be able to have the PRC—which is the professional rider circuit—sanction it as an actual event. If that happens, we’re in good. Ten thousand might be on the low end.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Dead serious. I didn’t want to get your hopes up, but I’m feeling very optimistic. The PRC isn’t in yet, but I had a verbal commitment from my contact there. The only thing that’s left to do is for the committee to vote on it, and he said it’s almost guaranteed.”
“That’s amazing. Such great news.” She could hardly contain her excitement. She wanted to tell her siblings, the whole world, she wanted to stop the car and get out and talk to the Lord, thank Him for His amazing provision, but she tried to contain her excitement and focus on all the things they needed to do so she didn’t drop the ball on her end.
“I think we’ll definitely need to have a little bit of time in the parking lot once we get to the farm, because I need to get my notebook out and make sure I have everything covered. All of a sudden, I’m nervous.”
“Don’t be nervous, just be happy.”
His eyes glowed as she met them with her own, and something happy and bright and excited seemed to pass between them, but it was also laced with...something else. Something that she would almost term attraction. She wished that they were sitting at the table behind the horse barn, because it felt like the kind of thing where he would take her hand in his, and they would lean forward and...
She shook her head. She was definitely allowing her daydreams to get ahead of her.
Clearing her throat, she said, “All right. How about you go ahead and start with all the things that you’re planning on doing today, and the things that we still need to do, and any ideas you have for me. Once we get home, I’ll get my notebook out and we’ll go over that too.”
She could tell it was going to be an awesome day.