Chapter 68
Chapter
Sixty-Eight
EVIE
Z andyr frowned, even as his eyes widened. “You saw that?”
I rose, water cascading down my back, and turned to him. Face to face, no barrier between us. It was time to bare it all.
“Do you remember anything about the past few days?” I asked, despite my chest constricting, with shame this time.
Because he’d hurt me and I’d wanted to hurt him back, but not like that.
Never like that.
“I remember falling,” he said. “You sucking on my neck–”
“Sucking the poison out of your wound.”
“You did what ?” he hissed in a deadly tone. “You willingly made contact with the poison we don’t have a cure for? The poison that brought me and Calyx to our knees? The poison that almost killed me?”
“Yes.”
His eyes narrowed. “Never risk your life for me again.”
I rolled my eyes. Sure. “You risked your life for me.”
“I thought we’d established that when it comes to you, I am an idiot.”
I pursed my lips. “Clearly.”
He growled low in his chest for a few more moments, as if he hadn’t quite regained his humanity. “I don’t want you in any danger.”
“Too late. What else do you remember?”
He sighed harshly. I knew from the look in his eyes that this whole not-risking-my-life-for-him subject would be brought up again. And again. And again.
“I dreamed about you,” he said slowly. “We were in a meadow together, it was beautiful.”
“Not a dream. I was there.”
With a surprised huff, Zandyr leaned back against the edge of the basin, resting his arms wide on either side, like he was king of the world. If we made it out alive out of whatever danger we were facing, he would become one.
“You were in my mind,” he dead-panned. “While I was on the brink of death.”
“I didn’t mean for that to happen. I just kissed you, desperate to get you back–”
He grinned. “You kissed me?”
“Yes, well.” I cleared my throat. “I did. And then I just…fell into you, somehow.”
“I’m just so damn attractive.”
He was, damn him. “And then I passed that wall of shadows on your end, where…you were being tortured.”
The last word choked out of me. I rushed forward, cupping his face with my hands.
“Zandyr,” I said breathlessly. He closed his eyes at hearing his name. “I would never say those things to you.”
He shook his head.
“No. Listen to me. Look at me,” I insisted. Reluctantly, he did; I gasped when I saw the vulnerability in those eyes of his. “You are not weak. You’re not pathetic, you’re not any of the horrible things that vile version of me was saying. I don’t think of you like that. Even when I threatened to burn the house down with the both of us in it, I actually thought you were so powerful and had such a hold on me, I had no other weapon to defend myself against this pull you always have on me.”
The same one he had even without the bond pulsing between us.
He covered my small hands with his. “It wasn’t you. It was my conscience, screaming at me for hurting you. I guess it figured it would hurt more if I heard them from you. I was torturing myself, not you.”
He leaned toward me, touching his forehead against mine once more. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Evie. Now I get another chance to prove to you just how sorry I am. You’re my reason for existing, my dreams, my hopes, and my wants. Everything I am is so eternally intertwined with you, and I never wish to part from you.”
I nodded, words once again eluding me. We sat like that, limbs intertwined, for the longest time.
“I want to ask you something and I want the truth.” He broke the stillness, words wary.
“We decided we’d only tell the truth, right? Ask away,” I said, even as my worry grew.
“Is what you saw in my mind the reason you’re so open with me now? Before I almost died, you didn’t want me touching you. Now we’re naked and you’re in my lap.”
As we were both achingly aware. “Yes.”
He inhaled sharply and nodded, even as his face tightened. “I don’t need pity, Evie.”
I shook my head. “Not because of the torture and the chains. I saw other things.”
“ What things?”
“I saw the oath.”
I caught him off guard once more. A surprised Zandyr was truly a sight to behold, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. “How?”
I grimaced. “I riffled through your memories until I found it.”
The silence stretched as Zandyr mulled the news over.
“You know about the oath. All of it,” he finally said, still sounding like he didn’t quite believe it. “And I’m alive. Kaya–”
“Also alive, since Vexa hasn’t also tried to kill me. Everyone is alive and very much not bleeding through their noses.”
Zandyr dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. That was..unexpected, and I didn’t know what to do with this reaction.
“Your mind fought hard to keep that memory a secret, if that helps. I think…I think it knew you were dying, or maybe even dead, barely hanging on. With your life in limbo, I guess the oath couldn’t kill you again if you were already dead,” I said lamely.
“Let’s not test that theory,” he said.
I twirled my fingers. Shouldn’t he have been happy? “I hope you’re not upset with me.”
“Upset?” He echoed and freed his eyes, gaze snatching mine. A powerful smile bloomed on his face. “Xamor, Evie, why would I be upset? You know . You finally know. We don’t have anything standing between us…” The hope which had burst in his eyes flickered. “Unless you’re still set on that divorce.”
“Truth?”
“Always.”
“I don’t know if I was before.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “It was all so confusing. I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t accept the situation. I was jealous and resentful and hurt , but now I understand. You wanted to save your friend and your Clan.”
With a heavy emphasis on friend, since I’d felt nothing but a warm brotherly affection from Zandyr toward Kaya. He had more chemistry with his sword than with the Jewel.
“I did. I should have chosen a different solution.” He licked his teeth, gaze falling. “Truth?”
“Truth,” I muttered, weary.
“I couldn’t tell you about Kaya and the wedding or I would have died, that’s true. And I was worried that if your cousins or your Clan found out, they would use that information against the Blood Brotherhood. I still don’t trust them, and I probably never will completely, especially not after the war.” He clenched his jaw, facing me like he was readying himself to be executed. “I’ve replayed the days before the wedding countless times. Could I have given more clues for you to find out without my brain bleeding through my nose? I’m not certain. What I do know is that compulsion in me rebelled at the idea of you not wanting me, no matter the motive. I fought it every step of the way, but what if I couldn’t control it and it won without me realizing it? I can blame it on the bond until the end of my days, but that doesn’t change anything. I told you I was greedy when it came to you, I just didn’t realize how much. That, menace, is all the heavy truth I have to give, and I am ashamed to admit it, but you deserve to make your own decision.”
He began breathing faster, as if was waiting for the guillotine to come down and sever us forever.
Nothing was easy with the Blood Brotherhood, was it?
“If you weren’t at risk of dying and suspicious of my cousins, would you have told me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said without hesitation. I detected no lie. “I am greedy, not cruel.”
I nodded. Then nodded again. He’d admitted the shameful part of him for me to judge and do with as I wished.
It was my turn.
“Hearing those awful words from my replica hurt…because I really did want you to suffer,” I whispered, feeling my own shame welling up. “In my darkest moments, I wanted you to feel pain and I wanted you to hurt because you couldn’t have me, because I was just out of your reach. Because even in my deepest despair, I couldn’t let you go. Even without seeing the oath, I don’t know if I ever could or I would have done it already. But, after the wedding, I’d wanted to punish you for what you did, so that you’d never recover from the idea of me.”
He shrugged, as if I hadn’t just confessed I too had something terrible brewing in me, no matter how hard I fought it. “I hurt you. You wanted to hurt me back.”
The air around us crackled with tension.
“Anything else?” he asked, still tense.
I shook my head. “You?”
“No. I have bared myself in front of you and hope it’s enough.”
“Yes, it is.” I smiled and enjoyed the way his body relaxed once more. “One more thing.”
He raised his brows. “Yes?”
“Your bedroom is weird. It’s almost empty and so high up it almost gives me a nosebleed just thinking about it.” I scrunched my nose, only half-joking. The thought of traipsing up and down those stairs at least twice a day was making the soles of my feet ache. “I like your bed, but the location needs work. There. Now you know everything.”
Zandyr threw his head back, a guttural, open laugh resounding all around us and making my heart swell.
I was happy and I wanted to feel like this forever.
“Thinking of my bedroom, were you?” his voice lowered, molten desire.
I sat on his thighs, a proper, safe distance away, but I was achingly aware of just how close we were.
“And your bed,” I squeaked. “Best not forget about that.”
“Oh, yes, never,” he said with mock-concern, his arms already circling my waist. “If we’re all set on secrets, then there’s one more question to ask.”
“Yes?”
“My dear, sweet, fiery menace, who fought like Xamor himself to bring me back from the dead.” His fingers traced circles on my skin, leaving a blazing trail behind. The water was hot, his touch was infinitely hotter.
“Yes?” I asked, eager and anxious all at once.
“Since we’re fated mates– true fated mates, with a bond not even death can sever–” His lips moved just above mine, inhaling my breaths. “Why aren’t we talking like only we can,” he whispered in my mind.