Chapter Ten
For a few moments I did not understand the words in the way that Quynh had used them. “What?”
“I think I’m pregnant.” She said it tentatively, like I might be upset.
“You think or you know?”
“It’s too early to be certain, but I have missed my monthly courses and I never miss that.” It was true. Quynh’s cycle happened on an exact schedule, while my own was chaotic and unpredictable.
And it only now occurred to me how much that matched our personalities. “Io has a pregnancy test. I could bring it here and use it on you.”
She put both of her hands over her stomach. “I don’t think I need it.”
I was in complete and utter shock. I didn’t know what to say, and so without thinking I said, “Our mother is going to kill you. And then Father will kill Thrax.”
“We will be married by the time we go to visit Locris. Thracian women do not wait for marriage. Thrax suggested that we should delay, but then I . . . gave him some very compelling and persuasive arguments for why we should not.”
I fought off the urge to cover my ears with my hands.
She apparently didn’t sense my discomfort with this particular subject, as she kept talking. “I didn’t want to wait to show him how much I love him. I’ve never felt . . . I’ve never wanted someone so desperately like that.”
Unfortunately, I knew exactly what she meant.
“Are you going to get married soon?” I asked.
“No. We’re going to wait until . . . everything settles down,” she said.
While she was talking about the larger things happening right now, I knew she was also doing this because of me.
Maybe to see whether I survived what was coming.
Once again, Quynh was putting her life on hold for my sake. I didn’t want her to do that.
Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to change her mind, I instead nodded toward her stomach. “May I?”
“Yes, but you can’t feel anything yet,” she said with an indulgent smile.
I placed my palms on her and something bizarre happened. I could sense a bright white light inside her, pulsating up into my hands. I felt an overwhelming surge of love. “You are pregnant,” I breathed.
“How do you know?”
“There’s a light inside you that I’ve only seen when I used magic, but right now I can feel it.
A new, strong little life.” I had put my hands on Parthenia and this hadn’t happened.
Why was it different with Quynh and her baby?
It was like power was being fed into me.
I could feel it swirling around inside my body, as if I could use it.
She put her hands over mine, perhaps hoping she might be able to feel it, too. After a few quiet moments, I removed my hands and the power immediately disconnected, as if being turned off. “What did Thrax think?”
Because I understood that this was how things had changed. We would always be sisters, would always love one another, but someone else was her priority now.
Two someones.
Her eyes were bright. “He’s torn between excitement at becoming a father and terror that something will happen to us.”
I was feeling the same way.
And selfishly, I was also a little sad. This was Quynh’s moment, and I knew that I shouldn’t be making it about my thwarted dreams, but I could be happy for her while still disappointed that this would never happen for me.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, because I adore our family, but being adopted . . . I have longed my whole life to have someone who looks like me. To see my face reflected back from someone who shares my blood.”
My throat felt a bit too tight. “I understand that. And I’m so glad that you’ll get to have what you’ve always wanted.”
“You can have this, too.” Her voice was so low it was practically a whisper.
“No, I can’t. I promised the goddess.”
“I don’t mean to speak ill of a deity you believe in, but why would she make you miss out on one of the greatest joys in life? Loving and being loved?”
“I’m not missing out on that,” I said. “I have you. Our family. My adelphia.”
“Romantic love is different. And it should be allowed. You can save Locris and then come back to Ilion and be married to Xander for real.”
I remembered the vision that I’d had, where I had been in Locris in the tree courtyard where he and I had first met, and he was cradling my pregnant stomach while kissing me. I could feel the love he had for me.
But that was only a dream.
“I promised the goddess that I would reopen the temple in Locris if she would help me. Now, with all the other priestesses dead . . . it has to be me. One of the last things Maia said was that as long as there was one priestess who believed, the temple would go on.”
“Maybe one of your adelphia would want to do it.”
My heart lifted momentarily with hope, only to immediately crash back down. Ahyana planned on leaving with Rokh. Io and Zalira would never leave Ilion, and Suri would never leave Io. This was their home.
In the dream I’d had, the goddess had handed the eye to me. I was the one who watched Locris be brought back to life. It was my responsibility. I couldn’t hope that one of my sisters would do it for me so that I could flagrantly break my vows.
Not to mention that I didn’t know how to use the eye and was worried that I wouldn’t receive further messages from the goddess if I did the things I so desperately wanted to do.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “And even if they did . . . there’s no future for Xander and me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“As I mentioned earlier, I’m not supposed to survive. Which would certainly put a damper on our relationship.”
Ignoring my sarcasm, she responded, “If I had to lay odds on you or on a prophecy, my money would be on you every single time. You’re going to live.”
There were other factors. “Io made me promise not to hurt Xander. To keep my distance.”
A frown marred her features. “Why would you agree? I would think you’d enjoy hurting him. Getting him to fall for you and then leaving him to twist and suffer.”
“No, I’d never do that—”
“Aha!” she exclaimed triumphantly while pointing at me. “I knew it! You do love him!”
Her words punched deep into my gut and I almost doubled over in response. “That’s not what I’m—”
Quynh seemed determined to not let me finish a sentence. “Thrax told me how you raced to save Xander in Lycia. That you didn’t even hesitate.”
“Because of the physical link we share.” Quynh wanted me to be honest with her and I was lying through my teeth. Which made no sense, because I’d already told Xander why I’d gone in after him.
But if I said it out loud, if I said it to my sister, it would make it all real. And I wasn’t prepared to face it.
“That’s not true.”
I knew it wasn’t true, but I wished people would stop saying that he and I had feelings for each other. It was too much, too big, too overwhelming. Too many different things were happening all at once. I needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through what was coming.
Not worrying about silly things like this. I kept up my charade. “I’m a means to an end for him. I’m how he gets to become king.”
She let out an exasperated sigh and then said something I couldn’t understand before saying, “That was me questioning your intelligence in Thracian. Basileia taught me how to do it. And I understand that Io is your sister, but it wasn’t fair for her to ask that of you.”
Feeling defensive of my adelphia sister, I said, “I don’t want to hurt him, either. He’s been through a lot, suffered so much loss.”
“So have you,” she pointed out. “And unfortunately, getting hurt is the cost of loving people. Not just romantically, but with every kind of love. And it’s not a choice that either you or Io get to make for Xander. He gets to decide what he wants and what he’s willing to risk.”
I didn’t want to tell her my fears, but I couldn’t help myself. “He’s never said anything remotely like that to me.”
“Hasn’t he?”
“Not as Xander.” When he’d been masquerading as Jason, he had made some big declarations.
I pledge to you my whole heart. My entire soul.
Every part of my being already belongs to you.
Ask for anything and it is yours. And I had dismissed them as being part of his scheme to trick me.
“And not while undrugged. Which, by the way, Io told me you conspired with her to have him drink honeyed wine.”
She didn’t even look a little ashamed. “I heard that went the way we thought it would—he headed straight for you and tried to seduce you. And sometimes people show you how they feel instead of telling you. Thanks to Thrax, I know how Xander has shown you.”
My husband had done things that might be construed that way. Even the night before, when he had braided my hair. My heart raced faster and faster until I had a hard time completely catching my breath. I couldn’t let myself believe what she was saying. It couldn’t be true.
“Love is supposed to be gentle and sweet,” I said. “Understanding. Peaceful. Comforting. Like what Father and Mother have. Or what Haemon and Doria shared.” Xander and I were not those things.
“Sometimes,” she agreed. “And sometimes love is battles and fires and earthquakes and bloodshed. It can be small and quiet or it can be loud and epic. It doesn’t look the same for every couple.”
My limbs trembled slightly. This was such a ridiculous reaction to be having. “I feel . . . too raw. Like my nerve endings are frayed and painful.”
“That’s understandable. You need some time to figure things out.”
It wasn’t time that I needed. “All I wanted was to heal my nation and lead a quiet life.”
“That’s not what you were meant to do,” she said. “It sounds as if the goddess chose you before you were ever born. But it’s up to you to decide. I think you could find a way to make this all work, if that’s what you want.”
What I wanted didn’t matter.
“Maybe you should ask him,” she said. “See what he feels, what it is he wants. Then you can make your decision from there.”