Chapter Thirty-Two
My heart pounded frantically in my chest as I waited. One minute, two. Enough time for him to disrobe and climb into the pool. With my decision made, I wasn’t scared or nervous.
Just excited.
I opened the washroom door as quietly as I could. His back was to me and I saw his shoulders tighten.
He knew I was there.
My breathing quickened as I walked over to him and picked up a sponge. It was already damp, so I rubbed some soap onto it. When I made contact with his back, his hand went around my wrist. His touch burned, as if he’d set fire to me.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Scrubbing your back. Isn’t that what maidens in Ilion are supposed to do?”
“Wife . . .” He sounded weary. But he released my arm and leaned forward slightly. Permitting me to touch him.
I admired his strong back for a moment too long before I began to rub the sponge in slow, rhythmic circles. I saw the tension go out of him, the way he relaxed under my ministrations. But my desire intensified with each pass, and whatever tension he had rid himself of seemed to find its way to me.
I hated the sponge that kept me from touching him with my fingers.
I did an overly thorough job until too much time had passed.
I was going to rub his skin raw if I kept going.
If I wanted things to move forward, I’d have to do something else.
I put the sponge into the water and used it to rinse him.
When I’d finished and put the sponge down, he said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I quickly took off my tunic and then unwrapped my undergarments. He didn’t move. If he was aware of what I was doing, he didn’t indicate it.
Quynh had once worried about what I’d do around naked Ilionians. I was sure that neither one of us could have ever predicted I’d do this.
I stepped into the pool. His eyes had been closed, but as soon as I was up to my neck in the water, they flew open.
“Why are you naked?” he demanded.
“Because I don’t bathe with my clothes on,” I said, echoing the words he had said to me the night he’d invited me into his bath.
I should have done it then. “You told me once that if I joined you in the pool, you would satisfy my curiosity. That I could look at you as much as I wanted, touch you, so long as I afforded you the same privilege.”
His face was unreadable.
“Privilege granted,” I told him in a voice that sounded too breathy and desperate to my own ears.
“I don’t understand what’s happening,” he said.
That made me smile. “I’m not being subtle.”
When he didn’t react, didn’t pull me into his arms, I started to doubt myself. After what we had shared last night, it hadn’t occurred to me that he might not want this. I reached my hand out toward him and he moved clear of me, causing water to splash out of the pool.
“I thought you couldn’t resist me when I’m naked. But you are,” I said.
“Barely,” he said through clenched teeth. “It’s why I lock that door.”
Another thrill ran through me. “But you didn’t lock it tonight.”
“That wasn’t an invitation.”
“It feels like one,” I said.
He closed his eyes briefly. “Goddess give me strength.”
I moved toward him, slowly this time. “The goddess gave you me.”
Xander held his hand up. “I swore to my sister that I would keep you safe from me.”
“I’m not in danger from you,” I said with a smile, lacing my fingers through his.
“You are in the worst kind of danger from me.” There was a dark roughness in his voice that excited me. “I would ruin every vow you’ve ever made at the first opportunity with no regard for anything else.”
That sent shivers of delight through me. Excellent. We had the same end goal. I moved even closer. He stayed still. Perhaps he’d decided it was undignified to run from me.
Or he was going to give in.
“We have done this dance before,” he said.
“Yes, but we’ve never finished all the steps. We always leave while the music is still playing. Let’s stay to the end.”
“Your vows,” he reminded me.
I leaned forward to kiss one of his fingers. “Aren’t you the one who always calls me an oath-breaker? That night of the festival, you told me vows were made to be broken.”
“Because I wanted you to break yours. Being with you makes me forget everything else, including things that are important to me. It was another reason I had to send you away—not only because I knew you’d regret it, but so would I, for being the one who convinced you to go against your word.”
“I won’t regret this. I want to.”
He swallowed, hard. “Lust is not enough of a reason to go against your vow. And I won’t do to you what my father—” He suddenly stopped and then pulled his hand away.
It wasn’t just lust for me. I didn’t know how to tell him that, though. Would he even believe me? I was fairly set on making this happen, and he would be right not to trust my word. I suspected I would resort to lying to get what I wanted.
“I want the real reason,” he said. “Tell me why you’re doing this after we agreed that we couldn’t.”
His gaze had been so careful the whole time I’d been in the pool. He kept it on my face, not letting it slip down.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t manage to do the same. He was so glorious it made me want to weep. “I don’t want you to die.”
“I don’t want me to die, either,” he said. “And I suppose it means we’re making headway if you’re no longer salivating over my impending death.”
No, I had new things to salivate over.
And if I wanted to be pressed against any of it, I had to tell him the truth. “The physical link between us . . . there is a way to break it. Io found it in a medical text. If we have sex, it destroys the link.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He didn’t sound upset. His question was more probing, as if he already knew the answer.
“I’ve already told you, because the trust between us hasn’t been strong and—”
“No,” he cut me off. “That’s not why. You didn’t tell me because you thought I would use that as an excuse to bed you. And that wasn’t how you wanted things to be between us.”
My heart had kept up a strong and slightly fast rhythm since I’d entered the pool, but his words made it beat twice as fast. I couldn’t deny what he was saying.
“You wanted it to be a choice.” Again, his words were far too precise and accurate. “Our choice.”
Then he surprised me by reaching for me. He pulled me to his chest and I was giddy to be touching him like this. So, so close, and he felt incredible. It had been far too long since we’d last done this. Skin on skin. I wanted to slide sensuously against him, feel that delicious friction again.
His lips hovered just above mine, not touching. I tingled with anticipation and longing.
“We can’t,” he said. “We won’t.”
“You don’t understand,” I told him. “I have seen a vision of my death. I’m going to die. And I can’t bear the thought of you dying because we’re connected. Ilion needs you. I—”
I stopped myself before I finished that sentence. I couldn’t tell him how much I needed him. How important he’d become to me. It was a step too far.
“When I make you my wife in more than just name,” he said as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “it won’t be because of an excuse. We will both be choosing it. Along with everything that means.”
I wasn’t getting through to him, and I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt without making even more of a fool of myself. I mentally floundered until I settled on, “Everything in my life leads me to you.”
“Why do you think that is?” He pulled his head back so that we could look into each other’s eyes.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a lie,” he said softly. “You do know. You’ve always known.”
This was too much. I wanted us to have sex to destroy our physical link. That was all this was about. Putting an end to something that meant if one of us died, so would the other.
It could not be about feelings or anything else.
“I won’t settle for a shadow of you. Of us. You just told me that you had to be worthy to enter the goddess’s cave. I won’t be responsible for you breaking your vow,” he said.
Desperation rose up inside me, like a surging wave. “We have to destroy the link.”
“Io will find a way.” He rested his forehead against mine and then exhaled deeply. “You make it so hard to remember myself.”
“Then don’t. Let’s forget everything.” I put my hands on his chest, wondering if he would move me away. His hands went to my wrists, as if he intended to take them off but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Heat seemed to flow up into my palms, coursing through me.
I wanted him so much it was hard to think straight.
“Not like this,” he said gently.
“But”—I glanced down—“you want me.”
“As I’ve already told you, I want more than just your body. I would have your mind, your heart, and your soul as well. I will not accept less, no matter how much I want you.”
My desire was now tinged with shock at his words. When he’d said those words to me in front of the full-length mirror the night of his birthday, I had thought he was being manipulative. That he’d said them in an attempt to woo me into bed.
He had meant them?
And if he had, did that mean . . . that he was willing to give those things to me?
What would he say if I asked for them?
Feelings churned inside me, scattering my thoughts, and I felt like I could choke on my confusion.
“You should go before I lose what little self-control I still have,” he said, holding my hands in his.
“This is not at all how I thought this would go,” I confessed.
“I know.” He kissed me sweetly on the forehead. “Go to bed.”
It took me longer to move away from him than it should have. My body wanted to fight every movement that pulled me from him.
And if he had averted his gaze before, he did not do so now. I felt his eyes on me as I climbed out of the pool and wrapped myself in a linen. I had to summon what little dignity I still retained to walk across the washroom and exit through the door, closing it behind me.
I collapsed against it. My stomach roiled with nausea and feverish chills racked my limbs.
And I knew that my husband was the only medicine that could cure my current ills.
I dismissed every foolish scheme my mind concocted—waiting naked for him in our bed. Wearing my gauzy nightdress to tempt him. Rejoining him in his bath.
He had said he didn’t want it to happen this way . . . not like this.
Unfortunately, this was all I had. There wasn’t a different future for us. But I needed to respect his wishes. I would expect him to back off if I told him no.
I dressed quickly and got into bed. There was little chance of me falling asleep before he joined me.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long. He came out dressed and walked toward me, his hair still damp. My heart thumped loudly as I wondered what he would do next. He gestured toward the floor. “I should probably sleep here tonight.”
I sighed. “Please don’t. We have to get up early tomorrow, and if you sleep there, then so will I, and I don’t want to sleep on the floor. You wouldn’t want me to get a poor night’s sleep, would you?”
“You’ll be sleeping outside on the ground soon enough.”
“But tonight we don’t have to,” I said as I held out my hand to him.
“I see. You’re trying to lure me with your feminine wiles,” he teased as he walked toward me.
“I’ll use whatever I have if it means I don’t have to sleep on the floor.”
When he reached the bed, he said, “Will my virtue be safe with you?”
“Yes,” I said, sighing at his silliness. “I’ll behave.”
I let my hand drop and pulled the blanket back so that he could join me. After a moment’s hesitation, he did so.
“Turn over,” he said. I did, and he pulled me to him, my back to his front.
“Isn’t this so much better than the floor?” I asked.
“You’re such a princess,” he said into the top of my head.
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
“Close enough,” I said. I thought of how we might have always been this way with each other—teasing, fun, soft—if our circumstances had been different.
He held me so tight that I almost couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted this. I had so many more things to ask and talk about but I held still, not willing to break the spell of this moment.
“You know that I wouldn’t let you die,” he said. “If I had to fight the god of death to bring you back, I would.”
Tears suddenly welled in my eyes while a glowing warmth spread through me. “I know.”
I also knew that despite what he thought, not even Xander could stop a prophecy from being fulfilled.