Chapter 15
Sive was a ball of nerves for the rest of the week, dreading her meeting with Ben at the weekend.
It was all she could think about, her first thought on waking, signalled by a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, and her last before falling asleep at night.
The only time she could forget about it was in rehearsals.
‘Good luck tomorrow,’ Mimi called to her as they parted ways outside the theatre on Friday night.
‘You’re not coming to the pub?’ Sam asked Mimi.
‘No, I’ve got a hot date with my fiancé.’
‘Every night’s a hot date with you two.’ Sive smiled fondly. ‘Give my love to Rocco,’ she called as she waved goodbye to Mimi.
‘What’s tomorrow?’ Sam asked, falling into step beside her.
Sive sighed. ‘I’m seeing Ben – my ex. He’s home for the weekend.’
‘Ah right.’ Sam’s face fell, though he hid it quickly. They reached the pub and he pushed open the door. Most of the company were already inside. Sam asked her what she wanted and went to the bar to get the drinks, while Sive found a table in a cosy nook tucked into a corner.
‘Cheers!’ Sam lifted a foamy pint of Guinness when he was seated beside her on the banquette. ‘Mineral water again?’ He nodded to Sive’s glass.
‘I’m getting a jump on dry January – trying that sobriety thing. It’s all the rage now.’
‘Good for you.’ Sam took a sip of his pint and wiped Guinness foam from his mouth. ‘So are you and Ben getting back together?’ She heard the strain in his voice, belying his air of casual indifference. His jaw tightened as if he was steeling himself for her answer.
‘No, nothing like that.’ Would Ben want them to get back together? She didn’t think it was at all likely, but you never knew.
Sam must have sensed some uncertainty in her tone because he said, ‘But he wants you back?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Why else would he want to see you?’
‘It’s me who asked to see him, actually.’ She ran a finger along her glass. ‘We have some … unfinished business. There’s a sort of joint project we were working on that I need to discuss with him.’
‘Sounds serious.’
‘It is.’ You have no idea. ‘How about you? Any plans for the weekend?’
‘Nothing much, apart from dinner at yours, of course. I’ll probably just laze around and do some work on my lines.’
‘I could help you with that if you want?’ Sive said eagerly.
‘Thanks. I need all the help I can get.’
‘You’re better than you give yourself credit for, you know.’
Sam smiled.
‘I’m making dinner on Sunday. You could come and help me if you like, and we could run lines at the same time?’
‘Help you cook?’
She nodded. ‘Aoife and Jonathan won’t be back until the evening.’ They were going to a wedding in Wexford the following day and staying overnight. ‘So I’ll be on my own and I could use a sous chef.’
‘Well, I’m not much of a cook. My signature dish is beans on toast. But I’m good at the grunt work. You can boss me around and I’ll say “yes, chef,” and do the peeling and chopping and stuff.’
‘I’m sure we can find you something more interesting to do than that. I could show you some new things.’
Sam smiled. ‘Okay, deal.’ He took a sip of his pint. ‘So what are we making?’
‘I haven’t decided yet. Any ideas?’
‘I’m a dab hand at a stir fry.’
Sive wrinkled her nose. ‘I think we could be a little more ambitious than that.’
Sam drummed his fingers on the table. ‘What about beef wellington? I love that.’
Sive laughed. ‘Not quite that ambitious – or expensive. What about enchiladas?’
‘Mmm, sounds good. I love Mexican.’
‘And we can make a plum tart for dessert.’ Sive was a decent cook, but baking was what she really loved. ‘I can give you a masterclass in pastry.’
‘So, what time do you want me? I can go grocery shopping with you, if you like – help with the heavy lifting.’
‘That’d be great. Come over around eleven? Then we can go to the supermarket early and hang out for the day.’
‘Great!’ Sam grinned. ‘It’s a date.’
Sive felt a little glow of happiness. Of course it wasn’t really a date, she told herself firmly. They were just friends now. But whatever it was, she’d never looked forward so much to a trip to the supermarket.
Sive was sick with nerves as she walked the short distance to Ben’s house at eleven the following morning.
She’d timed it carefully. He’d said to call any time before twelve, so she presumed he had somewhere to be after that and she was grateful for the time limit.
Part of her had wanted to go earlier to get it over with, but she’d held off.
She needed to give this conversation adequate time, but she also didn’t want it to be drawn out longer than was necessary or comfortable for either of them.
Her heart pounded as she pushed open the garden gate and she had a strong urge to turn and run. If only she could just shove a note through the letterbox. But she forced herself to walk up the short path and ring the doorbell.
‘Hi, Sive! It’s lovely to see you.’ Ben’s mum Bridget gave her a welcoming smile, but Sive could tell she felt awkward, her eyes wary as she ushered Sive inside.
She didn’t know what Ben had told his mum about their break-up, but she’d obviously know that Ben had met someone else.
Had she met Anna Purna? ‘Long time no see. Come on in. Ben said you were coming over,’ she said as Sive stepped into the hall. ‘He’s upstairs. I’ll just call him.’
But there was no need. Ben appeared at the top of the stairs and Sive felt an odd disconnect, comfortable familiarity mingling with trepidation.
Because here was Ben, her childhood friend and first love who’d been by her side more than half her life, and yet at the same time there was an element of the unknown about him now.
She wasn’t sure who he was anymore, what they were to each other.
He rubbed the back of his neck in an achingly familiar gesture and her heart sank.
He wasn’t pleased to see her. She wished she didn’t know all his tells.
‘Hi, Sive. I thought I heard you.’ Ben smiled at her as he descended the stairs and all her fears and anxiety seemed to melt away.
He was still just Ben, the shy, gentle boy she’d played with in the park; the first boy she’d kissed; the boy who’d been her date for her debs; the boy who’d held her while she’d sobbed and sobbed after her parents died.
‘Ben, hi!’ She smiled back at him, her voice wavering.
She felt a sharp stab of longing for the way things used to be.
She wished that instead of coming to meet her in the hall, he’d beckon her upstairs as he had so many times in the past and they could go to his room and lie on the bed together watching Netflix and talking about nothing more momentous than what they’d had for dinner or their plans for the weekend.
It was hard to believe that only a couple of months ago things had been so different.
She wanted to reel back the years, so that Anna Purna had never existed, and she could fall asleep with his arms wrapped around her and his body warm against hers, his breathing as steady as his heart as they dozed off together.
But the feeling was gone as quickly as it came. Everything was different now. There was a distance between them, and she certainly didn’t feel that spark of fizzy excitement that she did with Sam. She wondered had she ever.
‘Cup of tea?’ Bridget asked Sive.
‘No thanks. I won’t stay long.’
‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’ Bridget nodded and bustled off towards the kitchen.
‘Come in.’ Ben jerked his head to the living room and held the door open for her.
Sive brushed past him and sat on the sofa. He didn’t join her, standing in front of the fireplace facing her, his hands dug into the pockets of his jeans.
‘So, what did you want to talk about?’ he asked. The warmth she’d felt from his smile was gone and he seemed wary.
She took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves. ‘I have something to tell you.’
‘You could have just texted.’ There was the hint of hostility in his tone.
Sive shook her head. ‘It’s not the sort of thing you can say in a text. It’s kind of big.’
Ben looked down at his feet, shuffling on the floor. ‘If you want to get back together—’
‘No!’ Sive practically shouted. ‘It’s not that.’ She gritted her teeth, trying to tamp down her anger at the arrogance of that assumption. But it made it easier for her to spit out what she had to say without worrying about softening the blow for him. ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘Oh.’ The shift in his expression was instant, and Sive saw every emotion that flitted across his face – shock, fear, confusion. He sank into the armchair next to her, momentarily stunned into silence. ‘And … you’re saying it’s mine?’
‘Yes, it’s yours.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Certain.’ She faced him squarely, not letting him avoid her gaze. ‘There’s been no one else since—not like that. It’s definitely yours.’
‘Right. Wow!’ His eyes widened boyishly, and once again she caught a glimpse of the Ben she’d known and loved for so many years.
She had another fleeting moment of wishing they were still together, so that he’d wrap his arms around her and they’d discuss what they were going to do because they were in this together.
She’d imagined this moment with him so many times – but not like this. Nothing like this.
‘Anyway, I just thought you should know. I’m not asking you for anything. If you want to be involved, you can be. If you don’t, that’s fine too.’
‘But … you’re keeping it?’
‘Yes, I’m keeping it. Whatever you want to do is fine, but I’m having this baby.’
‘Wow!’ He sank back against the cushions. ‘This is …’ He trailed off, bewildered, raking a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
Sive felt a pang of sympathy. ‘I know. It’s a lot to take in. But you don’t have to decide anything now. I just wanted you to know, and since you were home, I thought I should take the chance to tell you in person.’
‘Right. Right.’ He nodded, obviously still trying to get his head around the information. ‘So, like … when’s it due?’
‘In May. I don’t have an exact date yet.’
He frowned, tapping his fingers on his jeans as if trying to figure out what to say. ‘So, how are you feeling? Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s all good.’
He just looked at her aghast, seemingly rendered speechless once again. Then he groaned, burying his head in his hands. ‘God, this is …’ He took his hands away. ‘I wish I’d known what this was about.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I have to get ready to go out soon.’
‘Sorry. It didn’t feel like something I could put in a text.’
‘No, I get that.’
She watched Ben struggling to absorb the news and she tried to make out what he was feeling.
But all she could see in his face was blank shock.
She could empathise. It was how she’d felt when she first found out.
‘I’m happy about it, Ben. And like I said, I’m not asking you for anything.
You can be involved as much as you want – or not at all. ’
‘I mean, I’m living in Portugal now, so I wouldn’t be much help with changing nappies and babysitting and stuff like that.’
Sive was relieved to find laughter bubbling up inside her. ‘Well, we don’t have to work out the babysitting arrangements just yet. I won’t be going anywhere without Bean for quite a while.’
His eyes dropped to her stomach and he looked at her wonderingly. ‘Bean?’
‘That’s what we’re calling it.’
His eyebrows shot up. ‘Seriously?’
‘It’s just a placeholder name until it’s born. Obviously as the father you’ll have some input into what we call it.’
‘Father,’ he whispered. ‘God.’
‘I know. It’s weird, isn’t it? Look, why don’t I go and leave you to think about it?’
‘Should we tell my mum?’ he asked, glancing at the door.
‘Why don’t you tell her yourself?’
‘She’ll probably kill me.’
Sive smiled sympathetically. ‘Or me.’ She stood. ‘Oh, and by the way, it’s not called babysitting when you’re looking after your own kid. It’s just being a dad.’
She saw the shock register on his face again at that word.
‘Well, enjoy Harry’s stag. What are you doing?’ She wanted to establish some sense of normalcy, to lighten the atmosphere.
‘We’re going to Kilkenny, staying in an Airbnb for the night.’
‘Well, have fun.’
‘Thanks.’ He gave a wry smile. She knew he wouldn’t be able to think about anything else all day now. He stood and walked with her to the door. ‘I’m not going back to Portugal until Monday, so I’ll see you again before I go, yeah?’
Sive nodded. ‘You have my number. Give me a call whenever you want to talk.’