Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Cooper
Afew weeks had passed since the whole Patrick petting me on the floor while we watched Shrek together debacle. I’d seen him each weekend in the cafe, and aside from the fact that Patrick kept trying to foist fruit and vegetables on me that I hadn’t ordered, things were… normal.
I didn’t want normal, though.
Which is how I’d ended up on Patrick’s doorstep on Christmas Eve. Buying Patrick a gift hadn’t even been intentional. But I’d been Christmas shopping with Axel when I’d spotted it and I’d bought it without thinking. I’d second-guessed the decision ever since.
My plan was to leave the gift on his doorstep and run away like a coward, but now that I was here and I could see the lights on in his front room, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away.
“It’s pretty cold outside, I’d decide soon if you’re gonna to come in or go home.”
Jesus fucking christ.
My heart was pounding as I looked up to find Patrick at a slightly ajar window upstairs.
“I… I was just…”
“It’s unlocked, Cooper. Come in.”
Once again grateful to Patrick for taking the decision out of my hands, I took a deep breath and opened the door. By the time I got inside, he was reaching the bottom of the stairs.
“I got you this. To say… thank you.” I thrust the horrendously wrapped gift at him, and he chuckled.
“Thank you for?”
“Um… I meant Christmas. I got you it for Christmas.”
“The snowman wrapping paper does make more sense now.” He smirked. “Can I get you a drink?”
“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry to intrude. It’s Christmas Eve, I’m sure you don’t want to—”
“Let me rephrase. I would like you to stay for a drink, Cooper. Would you prefer beer, wine, or a soft drink? I’m having mulled wine if that helps your decision.”
“Sorry, my palate is pretty unsophisticated, I’m not a wine drinker. I’ll take a beer, thank you,” I said.
“Good boy.”
I inhaled sharply at that. “You can’t… say that to me.”
“Why’s that?” His smile told me he knew exactly what those words did to me.
“Because… they affect me. I fight it all the time not to go into subspace, and it’s fucking exhausting Patrick.
And when you say them to me, my brain tells me I can let go because there’s a Dom here, so I don’t need to be responsible.
But you’re just teasing me with them, and you don’t mean them.
” I couldn’t stop the word vomit from pouring out, and I instantly regretted all my words when the smile dropped off Patrick’s face.
What a fucking delight I was, turned up on his doorstep on Christmas Eve, practically invited myself inside, and immediately dumped my emotional baggage on him.
The longer he took to reply, the sicker I felt. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just going to go.” I turned and headed back towards the front door.
“Wait. Don’t go. You didn’t say anything wrong. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it. Please stay for a drink, Cooper.”
My cheeks were warm from my little outburst, but I took the beer he held out and followed him into his living room.
Much like when I was last here, Patrick had a fire burning, and the lighting was soft.
We both sat on his sofa, which was the type that sort of ate you and was nearly impossible to stand up from in a dignified manner. It was comfy as fuck, though.
“Can I ask you about something you said before?” he asked.
Erm no, thank you.
“Um. I guess?” I said instead.
“How often do you struggle with slipping into subspace?”
I sighed before taking a large gulp of my beer.
“I don’t really know. But sometimes it feels like everyone else grew up and got the memo about how to manage everything, and I didn’t.
It’s like I’m always behind, and I can’t catch up on my own.
When we… did that scene at the club, it was the first time…
” I couldn’t finish the sentence because I was suddenly choked up.
“First time, what?” Patrick nudged.
“That I could let go and stop pretending to be everything that I’m not.”
Why was I always crying around this man? I wiped at my eyes with the backs of my hands and was grateful he didn’t acknowledge the tears.
“Your friends… and your family, they know right?” he asked.
“Know?” I scrunched up my face because I never intended to inform my friends or family that I liked to kneel for alphas.
“Not about the kink stuff but that you’re alphasexual?”
I stared at a spot on the floor, wishing a sinkhole would open up and swallow me. I shook my head.
“You haven’t told anybody?”
Then I was embarrassing myself by crying again. I used my sleeves to wipe my eyes.
“Is there a reason why?” he asked.
Was there a reason why? There was, but it was almost definitely a stupid one.
“You can tell me, I know families are… complicated.”
Patrick’s words were like a release valve.
“I just didn’t want it to be one more thing that made me different from them.
I… um… lost my omega mum when I was three.
I don’t remember her but my alpha mom is like the perfect alpha.
She’s really smart and always earned plenty for us to be comfortable.
Dylan is like her, too. Knows what he wants and just goes for it.
I’m already the dumb son who can’t read.
I didn’t want to be different in this way as well.
” I smacked my hand over my mouth, hardly able to believe I’d just said all that.
It wasn’t a lie, but it was something I felt that I kept locked all the way up, not even my best friend Axel knew.
I braved a glance over at Patrick, who was frowning. My leg wouldn’t stop jiggling, and I had to trap my hands under my thighs to stop fidgeting so much. I couldn’t stop staring at the floor by Patrick’s feet. Like, if I was down there, I’d know how to sit and how to behave.
“Cooper… do you want to… sit on the floor?” Patrick asked cautiously.
I flinched and my cheeks heated. “Sorry, I—”
“It’s fine, sit down there if that feels better.”
I sighed in relief, not sure why I felt more relaxed at his feet than as his equal next to him on the sofa. Once I was settled on the rug, he ran his fingers through my hair, and I had to stifle a whimper.
“I think you have some really unrealistic ideas around what makes an alpha an alpha, Cooper.”
I gulped, feeling foolish and scolded while still remaining certain that there was a right way to be an alpha.
“You said your brother was just like your alpha mom, but he’s an omega?”
“Yes…?”
“So is your brother a bad omega, then?”
I sputtered at the ridiculousness of that. “God no. Dylan is like… He wears his heart on his sleeve and isn’t scared to be vulnerable. He knits beautiful, soft gifts for people, and he’s like the most passionate nester I’ve ever met.”
“So what makes him like your mom, then?”
I thought about it for a moment. “He’s fierce. Doesn’t care what other people think of him and goes after whatever he wants. He just seemed to be born with this confidence that nothing can shake, and I just… wasn’t.”
“For the sake of argument, then, if your brother is a great omega, but he shares the qualities you think are admirable in an alpha, why can’t you be a great alpha even if you share some of the qualities that are admired in omegas?”
I looked up at him and probably resembled a goldfish, opening and closing my mouth without saying anything. What he said made sense, but it didn’t line up with the beliefs I’d been holding for years.
“I don’t think I even have the good qualities of an omega,” I whispered.
Patrick’s nimble fingers paused for a moment in my hair, and he exhaled loudly.
“There’s a lot to unpack there, Cooper. It’s wild to me that this kid, who everyone in this pokey town talks about like literal rays of sun shine out of his arse, can think so little of himself. And what was that you said before about being dumb?”
“Can we just pretend I didn’t mention that?” I muttered, not making eye contact.
“No. Explain.”
I sighed in defeat. “I have very severe dyslexia, and I can’t really read because of it.”
After twenty-three years of having to explain this fact to people, you’d think I’d be more numb to the shame, but the swirling sickness in my stomach said otherwise.
“Wow. You became a certified electrician even with that in your way?” Patrick moved the hand from my hair to tilt my chin up at him. “That’s fucking impressive, Cooper.”
My eyes burned, and I looked anywhere but at him. Until…
“Look at me.”
I did.
“Alpha, omega, gay or not, that’s fucking impressive, Cooper.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
Patrick shifted slightly on the sofa so he could reach into his back pocket and pull out his phone. He unlocked it and handed it to me. “Put your number in it,” he instructed.
My hand trembled a little, but I added my number and returned the phone. I wasn’t entirely sure what he planned to do with it, but it seemed like a stupid thing to ask why, so I stayed quiet. Surely, at minimum, him having my number was progress?
“You going home after this?” Patrick asked.
I shook my head. “Um, no. I still go and sleep at my mom’s on Christmas Eve. Plus, this year, Dylan is finally home, and although it’s a bit weird because he’s going out with my best friend, everyone will be under one roof, and that’s pretty much all I ever want.”
“Oh yeah, I heard about Dylan and Axel.”
“You did?” I wasn’t sure how I felt about the town gossiping about them.
“Yeah, my mum told me. Was after she bumped into Dylan a few weeks ago, he must have told her,” Patrick explained. “How come it’s weird?”
“It’s not. I mean, it shouldn’t be really, should it?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I asked.”
“Well, Axel has been my best friend since we started school, and while we had other friends, we were… Cooper and Axel. Came as a pair type friends,” I tried to explain.
“Have you ever had feelings for Axel?”
I physically flinched. “Absolutely not. He’s like a brother to me.”
Patrick chuckled.