Chapter 7 #2
“I guess I don’t need your permission anymore, Patrick. Maybe this guy will give me it instead. Not your… not your ‘little fox,’ am I?” I slurred. “Anyway. I guess this is it. You got bored. Knew you would, though. Have a nice life, Patrick.”
It didn’t bring me the closure I’d hoped it would.
My phone was on 1 per cent battery, so at least I didn’t have to deal with the consequences of it any time soon.
Instead, I went back and danced until I was drenched in sweat, smelling like about ten omegas and crying a little in a sea of moving bodies.
Was this what death felt like?
Axel rolled away from where he’d been spooning me most of the night in Pippa’s spare room. I was too hot, and my head had its own heartbeat.
“Dylan must sleep really well, you’re so snuggly,” I mumbled.
“Find your own alpha to snuggle,” Axel snipped back as he tried to smother my face with a pillow.
“You’re really going to make me regret coming out to you, aren’t you?” I sighed.
“Most likely, yeah.”
We got ready at a sedate pace, and the night before came back to haunt me as I was in the shower. Oh god, what did I do?
When I made it back to the room we’d crashed in, I debated not putting my phone on charge to delay the inevitable, but if I left it until I got home, then I wouldn’t be able to play music on the drive.
I plugged it in and stared at the black mirror like it was a ticking bomb, and when it finally lit up, I was scared enough I didn’t even want to unlock it to check.
We thanked Pippa for the tickets and for having us to stay before bundling ourselves into Axel’s van. We barely exchanged a word until we passed a greasy-looking cafe on the way home, and we pulled over.
Axel and I communicated via grunts throughout breakfast and then quickly got back on the road. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Axel so hungover.
“How you planning to die today?” I asked as we re-entered Foxwood Hollow.
“I’m gonna find your brother and get him to scratch my head.”
I sighed. That sounded nice.
“What about you?”
“I’m probably going to go be at one with my bathroom floor.”
Axel snorted.
A short while later, Axel pulled up on the pavement outside my flat, and I exited the vehicle very gingerly before saying goodbye.
I wasn’t looking forward to wallowing alone in my empty home, but I also wasn’t entirely sure whether I might not throw up, so I trudged up the stairs. Only, when I turned the corner into the corridor that led to my apartment door, Patrick was sitting on the floor outside.
I panicked, okay? I hid behind the wall. Evidently not successfully.
“I can see you, Cooper,” Patrick said, sounding annoyed.
I was too tired and hungover for this. Unpeeling myself from the wall, I walked towards my front door with my eyes cast down.
“What are you doing here?” I mumbled.
“Well, after your little message last night, all my attempts to call you went to voicemail, so I went to the pub and asked Milly where you were.”
Oh boy, I’m going to be getting a lot of shit from her about that.
“She said you were coming home this morning and that you like full-fat Coke when you’re hungover.” Patrick thrust a cold bottle in my direction, and I took it.
“You brought me Coke?” I asked dumbly.
“Listen, can I come in? Can we talk?”
I glanced at my front door, and dread pooled in my stomach. I didn’t have people over. Even Axel rarely came to my place.
My palms began to sweat as I panicked. If there was a chance things weren’t done with Patrick, I didn’t want to ruin it by telling him to leave, but if he came inside, then he would see what a literal disaster of a person I was and be done with me anyway. It was a lose-lose situation.
“I know I’ve been a dick to you. If you want me to go, I’ll go,” he said quietly.
“No. It’s not that…” I trailed off.
“You got a dartboard with my face on it in there or something?”
I snorted and shook my head. Accepting defeat, I took a deep breath and unlocked the front door. Patrick followed in behind me, and I wanted to shrivel up and die.
“You didn’t want me to see that it was messy?” he clarified.
“I’m not… um… very good at being an adult. Managing my home and stuff,” I barely whispered.
“Does it bother you that it’s messy? Like, do you find it hard to relax because of it?” He didn’t sound judgmental, as I’d expected, just like he was trying to figure out a puzzle or something.
I nodded, too embarrassed to really speak because discussing the fact I struggled with staying on top of laundry and keeping my flat tidy with the man I desperately wanted to have sex with was a level of mortifying I hadn’t reached before.
“If I told you to gather all your clean clothes, pile them on your bed, then fold them and put them away, you would, wouldn’t you?” he asked.
“Yes,” I whispered, barely fighting the urge to add “Sir.”
“Hmmm.” Patrick walked over to my big blue sofa covered in blankets and sat down. “Do you nest?” he asked, curiously.
My cheeks burned. “No. I’m not an omega. I just like… soft things.”
He didn’t push me on the subject right away, but I could see he wasn’t going to let it go, either.
I didn’t know where I was supposed to sit, so I just stood like a lemon. It was my own home. How did I not know where to sit?
“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Cooper. For this conversation, we need to talk man to man, and I can’t be your Dom right now. Just sit wherever you feel most comfortable.”
Could he read my mind or something?
I eyed the floor at his feet. That was where I wanted to be, but he’d said man to man and that was a very subby place to sit, so I didn’t.
My gaming chair was at a weird angle so I ruled that out.
In the end, I toed off my trainers and sat on the sofa with my feet tucked under me and turned to face him.
“I have two things I want to say, and then after, if you want me to fuck off, I will. Okay?”
I nodded, although I couldn’t imagine myself ever telling Patrick to fuck off.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been hot and cold with you and it wasn’t fair. I have… trust issues. To put it mildly. I’m sorry I sent you a fucking thumbs up when you told me you’d come out to your friend. That was a big deal for you, wasn’t it?”
I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand and sniffled. “Yes,” I whispered.
“Fuck. I’m really fucking sorry, Cooper. Can I give you a hug?”
Jellyfishes had a bigger backbone than I did.
I didn’t want to stay angry with him, and I was too tired to try.
I shuffled up on the sofa until I was close enough for him to tug me into a hug, and when his arms wrapped tight around me, it was as though I could take a full breath for the first time in weeks.
“I’m so sorry,” he muttered into my hair.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“It really isn’t. Please raise your bar, Cooper.”
“Okay, I’ll try.” Because if Patrick asked me to, I would. “What’s the second thing?” I asked.
He let go, and I sat back, but only far enough to look at him. Patrick picked up my hand and held it in both of his.
“Before I say this, I want you to really think about it, okay?”
“Okay…”
Patrick took a deep breath. “I can’t be your boyfriend, Cooper.
And I need you to know that it isn’t because you’re an alpha, and it isn’t actually anything to do with you at all.
I can’t be anyone’s boyfriend because I have a lot of shit I need to sort in my own head before I can be any good for anyone in that way. ”
My heart sank. Because for all I told myself I would take what I could where Patrick was concerned, him being my boyfriend was what I really wanted. What I fucking yearned for.
“I could be your Dom, though.”
My head shot up at that. “You mean like before, the texts?” I clarified, trying not to get my hopes up.
“No, not like before. Something structured that we both agree to. Planned scenes, and maybe we could include some rules to help you with things to make your home a nicer space for you?”
I choked on a sob and tried to cover it by shoving my fist into my mouth.
No, it wasn’t everything I wanted, but it was so fucking close, and I needed it like I needed air.
“Do you really mean it?” I squeaked out.
“Being a Dom is as much a part of me as being a sub is part of you. I think I’d forgotten that.
I don’t think doing a scene with a stranger once a month or whatever is really working for me, and our kinks are well matched.
If you want to be my sub and can accept that it won’t go beyond that, then the offer is there. ”
Holy fucking shit.
I reached over to the coffee table, where I’d left the bottle of Coke, and uncapped it to take a sip as I tried to digest what he’d said.
There wasn’t really a whole lot to think about, because not even a small part of me was honestly considering saying no to this. Even though I knew without a doubt that I’d fall for him and get my heart broken, the answer was still always yes.
“Okay. Yes, please… Sir?”
Patrick nodded, understanding my question about the use of the title, and I was able to relax a little.
“I wrote down a list of boundaries I need for this to work, I’m going to read them to you, and you can ask me questions after, okay?”
I nodded, strangely pleased that he’d thought through this enough to come prepared.
“We’ll do the scenes at my house, once a week. They will mostly take place in my spare bedroom, and you’ll sleep there afterwards. I won’t sleep in there, but I’ll be available if you need me.”
Hmmm. I didn’t love the idea of sleeping alone after, but I could tell this was not negotiable for him, so I said, “Okay.”
“We’ll go to Foxholes once a month. You don’t have to play in public if you don’t want to, but I think you need to make friends with other people in the lifestyle, because you have a lot of ideas around what it means to be an alpha or an omega that you should unpack.”