Chapter 20 #2
I shook my head. No crumbling and definitely no crying while I had an audience.
It seemed the wall of ice hadn’t completely engulfed my pride.
“Merchants are tougher than you think. Just because they can’t raise a sword doesn’t mean they’re not strong in their own way,” I said.
Waden had appeared to be just that. Strong and clever in just the areas I lacked, with a sharp and cunning mind which has enthralled me.
A shark in waters I couldn’t yet swim in. “He’d also seemed kind.”
He also looked at me like I was the sun shining down upon Aquila, not a name to be feared.
He used to call me glorious , the only one who’d ever done so.
Probably because he’d only wanted my glory, not the real me.
Now that word was as tainted as the memories with him.
I’d worn my happiness so openly, nobody in Aquila could have missed it. I’d foolishly congratulate myself and thank the gods for bringing me Waden at such a young age, so we had even more time to indulge in our united bliss.
Love had made me truly weak.
It had clouded my mind and senses, making me see what I wanted, not what was real.
“If he was so strong and kind, what happened?” Geryll asked.
Another arrow hissed through the air. “Something blonde and willing.”
But that wasn’t the whole truth, was it?
Back when we’d met, he’d enthrall me with his knowledge about anything and everything. Our conversations stretched until the sun rose, parting with heated kisses and promises of the future.
But as the months went by, a heavy cloud had settled down on us, and no matter how hard I tried to clear the skies, it always clung to us.
Our lively conversations melted into tense silence, the longing gazes turned fleeting, and instead of charming the room together with our quips, Waden had begun to interrupt me–loudly.
Then I walked in on him rutting with that social climber. She’d only smiled my way after raising her head from the pillow he’d pushed her face into.
A sickening shiver coursed through me.
“That’s disappointing. He would have been better off drowning near his blasted Isle," Nadya said. “What part of him did you maim?”
“Maim?”
“Yes. He broke your heart, tradition dictates you break something of his. An arm, a leg. I’ve seen my fair share of broken noses.”
“That’s…not how it works.”
Nadya shrugged. “It’s how it works around here.”
“You can’t fix a broken heart through violence. Anyway, with Waden, I lost a year, but I’ve already gained one back.”
“How so?”
“I lost a year of giving him my attention, but he showed me who he was before I wasted more time. Besides–” Another shot, straight through the middle. “–he was hurt, too.”
My pride took great pleasure in hearing Waden’s tearful apologies and begging to forgive and forget his “mistake”. Dax had shown him out of Aquila, never to be welcomed again, and I’d burned all the letters he sent, unopened, to keep me warm during the rainy days.
“And I kept the ring.” Fuck him. “Then threw it in Marea Luminara.”
“At least you seem…fine now,” Geryll said. He was also a terrible liar.
I wasn’t. I was ashamed.
Not because of the whole cheating thing–that was Waden’s choice to bear until the end of his days, and I would not allow it to taint my heart, no matter how many sleepless nights I had to endure because of it.
But because I hadn’t thought him capable of something like that. I’d basked in his smiles and kisses, actually thinking his world revolved around me, as he’d told me so many times.
He’d lied, and I trusted.
He’d tempted me, and I fell.
He’d molded himself into what I wanted, and I plucked him out of the hundreds of undeserving men who’d wanted the bragging rights that they’d convinced The Huntress to look their way. Like my attention and affection were trophies to soothe their miserable egos.
The worst part was that I hadn’t learned my lesson and now I had the bruises around my neck to prove it.
They all said my mind was as quick as my tongue, but I’d been blind to Waden and Orion’s true natures and had suffered for it. Even Silas had surprised me, and I’d already thought so little of him.
But Waden…Waden had been my choice and I’d been so proud of it.
The pain had dulled, but along with it, so had I. Vulnerability had seemed so easy with him, the most natural thing in the world. Freely given, greedily received.
But in the sea of hurt I’d had to swim in since then, Waden was nothing but a drop. A selfish, arrogant, coward of a drop.
Yet he’d still splashed against my heart and made it more bitter.
Better to be alone and intimidating enough that nobody like him ever dared to look at me than to go through that ache again. At least then I could fool myself into thinking I had some semblance of control over things, because that openness was no longer possible for me.
The whole ordeal had also made me doubt my instincts. If someone I trusted so fully could break my heart so carelessly, how could I have faith in any of my decisions?
I’d promised myself never again.
Then I’d done it. Again. And would have died if the Commander hadn’t rescued me.
“Sure,” I said instead. “It is what it is. I’m a difficult person to live with.”
At least that’s what everyone around me said. Too opinionated, too quick, too self-righteous, too tall , of all things. Whoever looked past the Vegheara pointed chin and tall forehead to see the scraps of beauty my mother had bestowed upon me had to deal with the intimidating tower that was me .
Quick to speak, slow to cower, with my own compass guiding me.
A defective compass, unfortunately, as the past few weeks had proven.
“So?” Nadya asked. “Who cares?”
I did. I cared more than I could ever admit, even to myself.
“Being me and near me are both difficult. I have my own mind, which I’ve honed through too many sleepless nights and frantic days to give up my thoughts in favor of someone else’s.
I will never be the kind of person who smiles and keeps her tongue to keep the peace.
” I cocked another arrow, my arms shaking with pent-up anger.
I loosed a breath, trying to balance myself and the bow. “I’ve been told I can get tiring.”
“That is one thing we can finally agree on.” A voice rumbled from behind.
I spun around, fingers loosened by the shock. The arrow flew from my bow, heading straight for the pair of sparkling eyes in the distance. Godsdamit.
Out of instinct, my power sparked as I called upon the winds to yank the arrow out of the sky. It mercifully answered. Barely.
The arrow didn’t fall to the ground.
It only changed direction, embedding itself in the tree the Commander leaned against.
He didn’t even flinch, giving me a totally unimpressed look. Did nothing rattle this man?
“How long have you been standing there?” I barked, acutely aware I’d spilled more of myself than I’d ever meant to. The wind and the snow had frozen the hesitation and given me a false sense of endless solitude.
Being out in the wild always did that to me. Made me feel unlimited.
It helped to talk about Waden, a figment of my youngling heart, than to deal with the real pain of the present. And my powers answering my call, even hesitantly, proved that.
I flexed my fingers; they no longer felt so cold.
“Long enough to know I shouldn’t give you any of my family’s heirloom jewels. I don’t want to go fishing for them in the ocean,” the Commander said.
Of course he’d heard. I’d laid my past bare, caught in the wind and arrows, and now those ugly truths hung in the air, taut like my bow string.
I was acutely aware of my cheeks heating up at the sight of him, his promise of carrying me out of my room still maddeningly fresh in my mind–as was the shame of having him see me so vulnerable for so many times.
Harmless , he’d called me, had he?
“Maybe I’ll keep yours.” I tilted that pointed chin of mine as far as it would go. “I think it would annoy you more to have your gold adorning my neck than to let it waste away among the reef.”
The Protectorate vaults definitely needed all the help they could get.
But I wouldn’t see them again, would I?
I couldn’t stop the fresh wave of sadness this time. I was still thinking like the old Allegra, the one who wanted to better her Clan. A Clan who’d turned its back on her.
The Commander gave the arrow a bored, lazy look and kicked himself away from the tree. A rain of snow cascaded from the icy branches behind him, like nature itself shivered at his passing.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, flustered and doing a piss-poor job at hiding it. Nadya and Geryll remained silent, but I saw the way they gave each other pointed looks.
“I came to give you the news.” He stopped at the top of the hill, gazing down at me. “The Council sent over the marriage contract. Ready to fight over it?”