Chapter 44
Chapter
Forty-Four
ALLIE
“ T hese buckthorn biscuits work best with juniper tea and I added a little satchel of it in your bag,” Mrs. Thornbrew said, pointing at each cloth-covered bundle she’d readied for me.
“The red one has the smoked deer jerky, don’t go one hour without eating a strand, the crater saps all of your energy if you’re not careful. Got it?”
“Yes.” I didn’t get it. Not fully.
Because my thoughts kept racing to last night and how I’d made an absolute mess of such a wonderful moment.
“At least you won’t be alone out there.” She stuffed all the bundles into a leather satchel, the same one she’d given all the warriors already gathered near the fortress entrance. “No hunting unless absolutely necessary, you have all the food you need here.”
I gripped Dax’s palaver book closer to my chest. I wasn’t going anywhere today without it. “I’m not a cold-blooded killer.”
Mrs. Thornbrew raised her brows, eyeing the bow and quiver strapped to my back.
“I don’t hunt when the mood strikes, only when I need to,” I protested, voice louder than it needed to be. I was tired, pissed off–at myself–and much too frantic to check myself.
I’d also been dealing with this ridiculous idea for as long as I could remember. Just because I could take down a wolf pack when they got rabies or a deer when children hungered didn’t mean I liked taking any life.
I was just very, very good at it.
“Calm down, dear. I was only pointing out it’s not hunting season. The moms are getting ready to grow pups in a few months, we leave them alone until next winter.” Mrs. Thornbrew gave me a curious once-over. “You must have had a tough night.”
No, it had been amazing and wonderful and perfect until I fucked it up.
Even now, I fought against the cold chaos crawling underneath my skin. It whispered in my ear to just lay down and close myself away from the rest of the world while this ache passed. My shoulders tensed at the smallest sound, eyes darting around to find the new danger.
The logical side of my brain knew I was being ridiculous. That I was safe and nothing–absolutely nothing –bad had happened.
But the old wounds wouldn’t let me believe in this new reality.
Harsh whispers echoed in my ear, more menacing than the crater’s voices.
I’d felt safe before, hadn’t I?
Deliriously happy and looking forward to a bright future.
Perhaps not as seen or understood as I did now, but my heart had opened up.
Then it had been trampled by that tramp Waden and his blonde friend.
I thought I’d risen above this pain, but losing so much in such a short time had picked at that scab and widened the wound.
My body hadn’t been able to handle this much betrayal and now saw it everywhere, even in the arms of a man who’d done me no wrong.
I knew I was panicking–felt the frenzy boil in my stomach and endured it rattling against my bones and inside my skull.
But I couldn’t stop the dread from soaking my mind, no matter how many deep breaths I took or how I wrung my fingers to free myself of this pitiful state.
I paced between the warriors giving me curious looks. I deserved them.
It wasn’t like I’d done anything to endear myself to them or earn their respect–and I was acting absolutely ridiculous, my eyes darting toward the stairs at the end of the atrium.
Ryker still hadn’t come down and the clock had almost struck six in the morning.
“Mrs. Thornbrew gave me extra biscuits,” Geryll announced happily.
His whisper carried through the tense atrium, where warriors counted their weapons and checked their arrows. Eyes swirled from me to him, narrowing.
His head caved between his shoulders, even as he pretended he hadn’t noticed.
Nadya patted his shoulder, standing like a protective shadow behind him, and said loudly, “I have extra pieces of jerky if you want to share.”
Her words hadn’t finished echoing by the time I felt Ryker thundering down the stairs.
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.
Through the dark spots dancing in front of my eyes, I barely saw the tips of his boots rushing down the stairs, before I bolted out of the front door.
I couldn’t face him.
I knew I had to, but I was panicked and embarrassed and I didn’t want to make the situation worse in this state.
Trust suddenly felt like a trap, though he hadn’t laid a single snare.
The fortress wall was sleek with ice as I leaned against it, the muscles in my arms spasming out of my control. The bow and quiver dug into my spine. I wanted to slide down and cower until I regained a semblance of command over myself.
I didn’t know what was happening, but nobody could see me like this.
The more breaths I gulped down, the worse the sensation became. Lightheaded and feverish, I looked up toward the sky, not seeing anything except for the bright, crisp light.
“Please,” I begged. Gods, the crater, the stars. Anyone who would listen. “Please help me rid myself of this pain. Yank it from my heart and set me free. Please .”
My power stirred in my arms, sensing I needed help, but I knew better than to call upon Protectorate magic to heal a heart or mind.
I’d tried it, too many times to count.
Our magic simply didn’t work like that. It could change the course of the wind, burn enemies alive, and crack cliffs.
It could contort energy itself, but couldn’t aid the body. From us, it could only sap energy.
“Please.” I closed my eyes, swallowing deeply. “Don’t make me make another mistake. I won’t be able to survive this one.”
I was so afraid of making a wrong step, I wouldn’t allow myself to move.
But I had to.
I was more powerful than this freak out.
I had to be.
Come on, Vegheara.
Get yourself together.
Between the dark spots dancing in my vision, one move. And grew. And approached.
I tried to blink the haze away, only to find myself face to face–well, face to beak–with Sylvester.
The raven landed on the stone steps in front of me, its dark wings shining blue in the sun. He tilted his head and squawked at me.
Just like on that first day, when I’d faced ice and height–barefoot, no less–to climb onto a frozen roof and scour my surroundings.
I’d done that, fueled only by the fire in my veins.
Now I was safe, well-fed, slowly recovering my powers, and almost crumbling, only because of my thoughts.
Sylvester crowed once more, batting his wings as if trying to get me to straighten up. My body had bowed at the waist, trying to fold in on itself. I hadn’t even noticed.
“I know, I know,” I muttered, running my hands up and down my face. Small miracle I hadn’t started crying.
I truly felt on edge.
I closed my eyes and tapped my cheeks, trying to get feeling back into them.
I struggled to pace my breaths and slow them, just as I did when I readied a particularly difficult shot.
When I became The Huntress that everyone admired.
The one who could face death and now cower.
I needed her to keep me standing once again, while Allie tried to make sense of the irrational chaos trying to command me.
Breath by breath, the spasms in my back began to lessen. Not disappear fully, but at least unclench enough that I could push myself away from the wall.
The voices from the atrium drew closer to the exit.
The sun warmed my skin, thawing some of the ice.
I focused on the heat and the soft wind carrying the crisp pine scent into my hair.
How my power stirred inside of me, trying to make me remember who I was.
I focused on that feeling, grounding myself.
I was safe.
The past and its horrors had no right to control me.
I controlled myself.
With a final exhale, I opened my eyes slowly. The dark spots were gone, even as the flutters in my stomach hadn’t vanished completely.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I owe you.”
Sylvester looked up at me with that same high and mighty attitude. But I could swear his craw sounded relieved, before he took off.
My eyes tracked him only to watch him land on Ryker’s shoulder just as he exited the fortress.
His eyes sparked as they settled on me, worry swimming between the glimmers.
The flutters in my stomach turned into a quake as he rushed my way.
Last night, I’d been horrible.
As soon as that word had slipped past his lips, my mind had begun attacking me with grim scenarios.
How Ryker would betray my trust and leave me weeping.
How making me trust him had all been part of some malevolent plan.
How he’d only wanted me for my body and now that he’d gotten a taste, he would slowly start to ignore me.
All of them ridiculous, but unstoppable, even as he’d showered me with sweet kisses and tugged me into his arms for sleep. Until he’d fallen asleep, I’d been able to pretend my thoughts weren’t galloping out of my reach.
I told myself I was only tired and that the dawn would bring back clarity.
But the longer I laid there, listening to his soft breaths against my back, the more my fear grew.
No sleep had visited me, only fretting.
Like a coward, I’d slipped out of his bed at the first light of dawn. Even in slumber, his hands had reached out for me, but I forced myself to ignore them.
I’d left him there, alone in the bed.
I was the absolute worst.
“Are you okay?” he whispered as he stopped in front of me, a concerned furrow to his brows.
Sylvester must’ve sensed the awkwardness, because he immediately flew away, not looking back. I wouldn’t want to face this tension either.
I nodded. Words were still lodged in my throat. Despite the whirlwind within me, my body still leaned toward Ryker, seeking his warmth.
His brows furrowed further. “Did I–did I do something last night?”
I hated what I heard in his voice–heartache
“No!” I said, louder than I meant to. The only thing that could make me ignore my own pain was someone else’s distress. It was the First Daughter way. “No, you were wonderful. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I was the problem.