Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
Rhett
I was having a staredown with Black when Zack came back into the room.
Alone.
"Where's Elle?"
As usual, my brother was blunt when he answered. "Making up her mind."
"About what?" I tried to sit up more in the bed, but my ribs ached from being broken. I forced myself to push down the pain as I maneuvered on the bed until I was no longer partially lying down like an invalid.
"About whether or not she can handle this kind of life with you."
I felt like my brother sucker punched me, and maybe he did because those words were a hit straight to the gut.
"What did you say to her?" I growled, or at least I tried to. My throat was still a little dry, and it felt more like razor blades were attacking my esophagus than anything.
"Nothing she didn't need to hear," Zack fired back.
"I understand you're pissed about me hiding my career, but that gives you no right to push Elle away from me."
"You're damn right I'm pissed." Zack took a step forward, and there was no mistaking the fire in his eyes. "You should've told me, at the very least, what you were doing because I would've understood. I would've tried to convince you not to, but at least I would've understood."
"That's exactly why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you trying to talk me out of it. You don't know the shit I saw while I was deployed."
"Of course I don't because you never spoke about it," Zack hollered.
"Because you didn't need that shit in your head about me. You were starting a life with Leslie and having babies. You didn't need my dysfunction piled on top."
"Don't you dare bring Leslie and the kids into this. You know damn well I would've been there for you, no matter what."
I sighed. "I know you would have, but I didn't want that."
"Why not? It's what family does."
And that there was the million-dollar question. The one I didn't really have the answer for. Luckily it didn't matter because the door swinging open stopped all conversation.
"Am I interrupting?" Elle slipped into the room and looked pointedly at all three of us.
Yes, Black was still in the room being privy to my family argument. Such was my life these days apparently.
"No," I was quick to tell her.
I waited––not so patiently might I add––to see what her next move was going to be.
Was this the moment where she told me it was too much, and she couldn't do it.
Not that there was anything between us yet but friendship.
I realized in that moment, I wanted there to be even if I felt I didn't deserve it.
"Can I talk to you alone?"
Black graciously bowed out of the room, but I could see the hesitation in my brother's eyes. In the end, he too left.
"Come here." I flipped my hand over and motioned for Elle to come closer. She did so without hesitation, and it gave me hope that she wasn't about to break my heart. "What's on your mind?"
"I'm scared," she answered quickly and honestly.
"Of?"
She took my hand and threaded our fingers together. "Of what happened to you. Of it happening again. These last few days, I've been so worried not hearing from you that it physically made me ill."
My heart dropped into my stomach. Here it was. The moment when she told me it was all too much. My gaze dropped to our intertwined fingers.
"But despite all that, I find that the thought of not having you in my life is even worse."
Butterflies erupted in my stomach. Now it was my turn to be scared. Did that mean she wanted to be with me? Or just as friends.
Minutes earlier, I was so sure that I didn't deserve her, but now here I was waiting on her every breath to see if she would give us a chance.
"I care about you, Rhett, but I need you to say something here."
"I'm too afraid to say anything."
Elle chuckled, and it was the sweetest sound in the world after what I had heard for the past week.
"I thought I was the only one scared here."
I shook my head. "Not the only one."
"I told you mine. Will you tell me what has you afraid?"
"I don't deserve you. I'm worried I'm going to get in too deep, and you're going to realize it. Then I'm going to be left heartbroken."
What I really should've said was I was already in deep, and if she walked away now, it would crush me. But I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on her.
"What makes you think you don't deserve me?"
It was now or never.
"Do you remember when we first met and you asked me if I was a murderer?"
Elle nodded her head. "I remember, and I stand by my statement that you aren't one no matter what you tell me."
I looked at her the best I could through swollen eyes. "You might think differently when I tell you about one of my deployments."
Elle didn't let go of my hand like I would've expected. Instead she squeezed my fingers and encouraged me to go on.
"I can't tell you much, but what I can tell you changed me forever.
" I swallowed down the bile that threatened to work its way up my throat.
"We were sent in to stop a terrorist group from taking over a small village.
" I had to stop as memories of that day threatened to drag me under.
"Turns out, we were too late. The group had already infiltrated the town and had forced the men and young boys to fight. "
"Forced how?" A tear trickled down Elle's cheek.
"By threatening their families and making examples of those who refused by killing the women and girls."
"Oh God." Elle was full-blown crying now, and I didn't blame her. It had been a no-win situation that ended just as badly as it possibly could. "So you had to fight children?"
"Not just fight," I told her solemnly.
I could see the moment realization kicked in, and the hand that wasn't holding mine, flew up to her mouth. "No," she whispered.
I nodded my confirmation. "Do you see now why I'm not good enough for you?"
Sadness filled Elle's eyes, but she didn't pull away from me like I expected her to.
"What I see is a man who was forced to make a terrible choice in order to keep himself alive."
Of course that was what she would see. Pulling my hand out of hers, I wasn't nice when I spoke again. "I killed a child. How the hell can everyone think that's okay?"
"Was he trying to kill you?" she hollered back.
"It doesn't matter if he was. I ended a child's life before he even got the chance to live it."
"No, those terrorists did that when they forced them to pick up a weapon. You would never kill a child who was defenseless."
She was right about that. Children were innocent and should stay that way as long as humanly possible.
"Weapon or not. I killed that boy, and now I need to live with it."
"The fact that you feel anything shows what a good man you are."
That stopped me in my tracks.
"If you felt nothing about killing a child, then I would be worried, but you obviously care enough to beat yourself up about it and refuse to be happy. That just proves you're a good person."
I never thought of it like that.
"But am I good enough for you?"
Elle gingerly touched my face and cradled my cheek in her palm. "I wouldn't still be here if I didn't think so."
I leaned into her hand and soaked up all her goodness. "How did I get so lucky?"
"I'm the lucky one. You could've fed me to the wolf instead of saving me in that bar."
I just chuckled. "No way. One look at you and I knew I would do anything you ever wanted."