Chapter 2 Fuck Me
Claire
The bitter cold hits me in the face the second I swing the doors open.
It’s not just cold. It’s bone chilling, multiple layers of outerwear, need a hot beverage cold.
It’s the type of cold that immediately makes your cheeks sting and your nose run.
A shiver snakes down my spine, and I pull my black beanie around my ears, smoothing my long waves so they fall on either side of my shoulders.
The heels of my boots click against the concrete as I move quickly across the sidewalk.
It’s amazing how you can feel like pure sunshine on the inside and still be at risk of freezing to death because of the weather.
The arena is less than thirty minutes away on foot, but I’m late and cold.
Exhaustion covers my every move as I attempt to sort out the emotions flooding my head.
Maybe I should go home and watch the game from the comfort of my couch, get some rest, and prepare for the week.
This would also solve the problem of seeing Everett, but I don’t know how I would even begin to explain to Raph why I wasn’t there.
He doesn’t exactly take my career seriously, and I don’t have it in me to deal with him moping around because I don’t support him.
I make it to the curb and throw my hand in the air to signal for a cab.
Pulling the jacket I’m wearing tight against me, I try to seal in the last bit of warmth I can, but it’s no use.
It was a gift from Raph, and while I’m sure it cost him a small fortune to have someone make his jersey into a stylish puffer jacket for me, it’s not the most practical piece of outerwear in my closet, and the frigid air is creeping in through the seams and settling deep in my bones. I really should’ve layered better.
My phone vibrates, but I ignore it. Whoever it is can wait until I’m somewhere warm. A cab zips through traffic, then pulls up next to the curb. Swinging the door open, I climb inside.
“Where to?” the driver asks.
“Madison Square Garden.”
The car begins to move as I settle into my seat, grabbing my phone out of my pocket. Two missed calls from my sister, Andi, flash across the screen.
I’m on my way. Sorry, I’ve got huge news and I got caught up at the studio!
Andi:
News?!? Spill!
No, it needs to be shared in person!
Andi:
Ugh, you and your surprises…hurry up! I’m about to turn into the human version of an icicle.
I do my best to quiet my head, trying to focus on the good news I was just given instead of the idea that my past and present will literally be colliding three feet in front of me tonight.
Snow begins to fall, and as I rest my head against the glass, I watch as it accumulates against the cold surface.
There is something about the snow that I’ve always loved.
It seems to slow the city down and wrap it in magic, turning it into a picturesque postcard.
Waking up to untouched blankets of white is one of my favorite things, especially this time of year.
With the holidays right around the corner, a December snow seems to add to the enchantment and nostalgia of the Christmas season.
“It’s snowing,” the driver says.
“I see that.”
“I’m Stella, by the way” she says, turning to face me when she comes to a stop at a traffic light.
Her round face glows from the surrounding brake lights. She’s a middle-aged woman with pink curls that jut out below a hand-knitted hat. The pale skin on either side of her violet eyes creases when she smiles.
“Claire.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” she says, turning back to face the road ahead.
She’s wearing a thick brown coat, and when she taps her fingers against the steering wheel, I notice worn, knitted, fingerless pink gloves on each of her hands.
A pink moon shaped crystal is knotted into twine hanging from her rearview mirror with a small gold star charm at the base.
“You know, some believe the snow can make anything happen. Maybe it’ll bring you some luck tonight.” There’s a wistful tone to her speech.
“Maybe.” I shrug, my shoulders relaxing. “I know I could use it.”
“Just believe and it’ll happen,” she says, turning to wink at me over her shoulder.
She lets out an unnerving laugh and then turns back to face the street ahead. I don’t know what it is about cab drivers in this city, but they’re always so strange.
The next ten minutes are spent in silence with my head up against the window. The snow is really starting to come down. Large flakes hit the glass and stick to the sidewalk.
My phone chimes, and I swipe up to find another text from my sister.
Andi:
Hello???
Andi:
Do I need to send out a search party? Where are you and why didn’t you text me back?
Sooo dramatic…I’ll be there soon. Traffic is awful.
Andi:
Please hurry. I’m going to be pissed if we miss watching them warm up. My whole feed is hockey players stretching, and I want to see it in person.
What happened to swearing off all athletes? LMAO! Weren’t you just saying yesterday that you were done sleeping with Isaac?
Andi:
Just because I have no desire to end up with an athlete doesn’t mean I can’t look at an athlete who has a nice ass!
Andi:
Also, Isaac and I are done.
Sure you are!
Andi:
I think. I don’t know. He did text me earlier.
Ha! Mom and Dad would be so proud of your remarkable ability to make bad decisions.
Andi:
Ugh. I know. Please don’t tell Mom. You know she hates him.
Andi:
Speaking of making bad decisions…how are you feeling about Everett being at the game?
Andi:
Godddd I saw him on TV the other day and HOLY SHIT I think he got hotter since you were fucking him.
Everett is in the past. I don’t care that he’ll be there. You know I’m with Raph.
Andi:
Raph’s a nice guy. I think you’d like him if you got to know him.
Andi:
He’s a notorious playboy. Do you know how many pictures with random chicks there are online?
I let out a loud groan and sink further into the backseat of the cab.
Raph is fine. He’s gone a lot with hockey, and I’m busy with dance.
We have our separate lives, and it feels like it’s working, but we’ve only been together for a few months.
Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to have a partner.
Someone who I could support but would also support me in return.
What it would feel like to hear I love you and be able to say it back.
Swiping out of my sister’s texts, I click on the internet icon and type the name of the man who has been on my mind since I agreed to come to the game—Everett Nuttall—into the search bar. I’m not sure why I’m doing this to myself. Maybe it’s curiosity, or maybe it’s something else.
Link after link pops up on the screen, and because I can’t help myself, I click on photos.
Among the mix of action shots, there is a photo of Everett at a post-game press conference.
His dark hair is longer than it was the last time I saw him and sticks out under a backwards ballcap.
His jawline is shadowed by dark stubble, and above his lip sits a mustache that I definitely don’t hate.
He’s wearing a black T-shirt that accentuates his arms. A panty-melting grin covers his face.
It’s clear the four and a half years we’ve been apart did him good. He’s practically aging backwards.
Fuck me.
My mind betrays me with thoughts of how he worked my body all those years ago, always knowing exactly what I needed and never afraid to take what he wanted.
Sex with Everett was the hottest I’ve ever had.
There was nothing vanilla about it. Pierced and huge, his dick used to take me to places I didn’t know existed, but then he left, and sadly all men aren’t as talented as he was in that department.
“Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to sleep with him just one more time.” The words come out mumbled, but out nonetheless.
“What was that?” Stella says.
My face heats, and I massage my temples. I should be thinking about sleeping with the guy I’m currently seeing, not the guy who was never more than a mood booster on a shitty day. Locking my phone, I stuff it back into my purse, groaning again.
“Sorry, um, nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Didn’t sound like nothing,” she muses.
I blow out a long breath. I’m not actually going to tell this stranger what I’m thinking. I can’t believe I actually said that out loud.
“It was nothing. I’m just tired.”
She hums and begins to dig in a small fabric bag sitting on the passenger seat. “Here,” she says, handing me a smooth, ocean blue stone.
“What’s this?”
“Consider it my Christmas gift to you. I think it matches your eyes.”
“Thank you,” I say, rubbing the smooth surface between my finger tips. My shoulders begin to relax, and an ease settles over me. “But why are you giving me a gift? You don’t even know me. Also how do you know it matches my—”
“It’s something I like to do this time of year,” she explains, smiling warmly.
I study the stone for a few moments, trailing my fingers along the imperfections, and my head begins to clear.
“So,” she says, glancing into the rearview mirror. “You were going to tell me what you were grumbling about back there.”
“Oh, right. Um, it’s just the guy I’m dating plays for the Rat Kings, and the guy I used to hook-up with just got traded back to the Crowns, and they’re playing each other tonight.
So, for the first time in a long time, I’ll be in the same place as him, and he had to go get hotter since I’ve seen him, which seems really unfair because now I’m dating Raph who is also hot and mostly fine, but something is missing… ”
“And you think you might find what’s missing with the guy you used to sleep with?”
“Honestly, I’ve wondered what would happen if we had another chance, but I’m with Raph, and I’m sure Everett, my ex-fling, is with someone new.
He and I never really got along outside of the bedroom anyway, but people change.
” I laugh to myself, and my phone chimes.
Placing the stone in my purse, I realize everything I just told her.
“Ha! Ignore me. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I don’t even know you.”
“I have that effect on people.” She turns and winks again.
What the hell? Why did I just spill my guts to this woman? That’s not like me at all. Shaking my head, my eyes flutter shut, and I breathe in deeply.