Chapter 6 #7
After lunch, I occupied myself with the dishes and exchanged a few words with Mia. But my thoughts revolved around just one person: her son.
It was ridiculous to be so upset over a man who had absolutely no qualms about hurting me, but deep down, I felt like his behavior had some justification now.
I was lost in thought, basically polishing a glass for almost ten minutes, when Mia called my name and asked me if something was wrong.
I was capable of wrangling my emotions, though, and said that I was fine except for a headache, which I’d invented to avoid arousing suspicions.
I didn’t like lying to her, but I could hardly tell her all about what happened with Neil.
I couldn’t tell her, and I certainly couldn’t tell my dad.
After finishing the cleanup, I ducked into the bathroom for a quick shower. This time, I washed my hair and untangled the knots before drying it. I smoothed it with my fingers and smiled at how soft and silky it finally was. Then I stretched out on the bed in a desperate attempt to get some rest.
I spent the rest of the afternoon like that, immersed in total solitude.
When it was time for dinner, Matt suggested the whole family spend the evening on the beach around a bonfire.
The idea was appealing to me despite my grim mood.
I really needed a distraction, even if it was impossible to completely banish my worries.
So I crawled out of bed and decided to put on something warm because of the cold temperatures. In addition to my dark-wash jeans, I chose a long-sleeved shirt and layered a pink hoodie on over that. I dabbed a couple drops of perfume on my neck and put on a little mascara, making my blue eyes pop.
On some level, I was probably trying to look cute for Neil, to get him to notice me. But I didn’t think too deeply about that because it wasn’t the time for those thoughts.
I still wasn’t convinced by Logan’s words, “He likes you.”
Maybe he’d been attracted to me at one time, as he had been with who knew how many other women, but I could never be part of his life.
I stopped on my way to the living room when the sounds of Coldplay drifting through a half-open door caught my attention.
I frowned, getting closer until I could pick out the melody of “The Scientist,” one of my favorite songs.
I rested one hand on the lacquered surface of the door and pushed it in, invading a space I shouldn’t even have stepped foot inside.
My heart jumped into my throat when I spotted Neil on the bed, focused on sketching in his notebook. I paused to admire the silhouette of his profile. A lit cigarette was clamped between his full lips, and his eyes intently tracked the movement of his hand as it scrawled lines on the paper.
He wore a basic black sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. His sculpted body was tantalizing, making me long to tear off those clothes and rediscover all the feelings his expert hands could evoke.
He was so beautiful.
I blushed stupidly at the direction my thoughts had taken. I’d never fantasized about a man like that before I met him.
“You like Coldplay, too?” I asked, all in one breath, hoping to impress him.
Of course, that was a great way to get his attention.
I’d made him go ballistic earlier, and now I was trying to make up for that with something that sounded like a lame pickup line.
Neil turned to look at me, but he didn’t seem at all surprised to see me there.
It was as though he knew perfectly well how long I’d been standing there in the doorway, spying on him in a daze.
His golden eyes roamed slowly and intimidatingly over me.
Then he plucked the cigarette from his mouth with two fingers before releasing a cloud of smoke into the air.
He did it in such a confrontational fashion that it made me go stiff. Even God’s most devoted angel would have sold their soul, I thought, just for a little taste of that warm, powerful, statuesque body.
“What do you want?” he asked, his voice calm but unyielding. That wasn’t a good sign—he was still mad.
I took a few steps into the room, despite the fact that I was wringing my hands like a kid who’d seriously screwed up. I took a deep breath before I spoke.
“I would like to apologize for… Well…this morning.” I glanced down at his phone, which he’d plugged into a portable speaker, and my forehead wrinkled thoughtfully.
Was Coldplay on his playlist, or had the song just come up on shuffle?
A small, insane part of me hoped he had actually chosen to listen to them because they were my favorite band.
Shaken, I tucked a bit of hair behind my ear before turning my attention to him once again. He stared back at me, his authoritative gaze making me feel small and inadequate. His self-assurance and dominating presence were lethal weapons as far as I was concerned.
“I’ve got no use for your apologies. Piss off,” he snapped, returning to his sketch.
His eyes narrowed at the thick wafts of cigarette smoke rising up around him, and it made him look appealing and snarky at the same time. He had a nasty temper, and I knew that I shouldn’t be challenging him. Still, I cleared my throat and tried again.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Neil. You have to believe me,” I admitted. My voice had turned pleading, but he didn’t respond. He remained seated, ignoring me with his familiar arrogant disregard.
Oh, he was good at that.
He was amazing at making a woman feel insignificant. It was probably his greatest gift, after the way he looked.
If I’d listened to my pride, I would have walked away. Instead, I reminded myself of what Logan had confided in me, and every bit of my anger evaporated. It was impossible to stay mad at Neil after those revelations.
“Neil…” I said in a placating voice as I ran a hand through my hair.
The knowledge of what he’d been through made me profoundly uncomfortable and had me reflecting back on everything I’d done since we met.
I had complained constantly about Matt and about my parents’ divorce, while Neil had never complained about anything, despite having firsthand experience with something truly horrific.
The kind of thing that rendered all my supposed “problems” null.
“You said what you were thinking. That’s fine.” He closed his notebook with a snap and tossed it on the bed, sitting up. “Now I want you to get lost. Do you get that, or do I need to draw you a fucking picture?” he asked, aggressive and insensitive.
So I was no longer his Tinkerbell, and it was all my fault.
He crushed his cigarette butt into an ashtray on his bedside table and stood up.
Even from a distance, there was a grandness about him that intimidated me.
And after the way he’d reacted this morning, I didn’t want to get into another fight with him.
I turned my attention to the open bag of pistachios next to the ashtray, trying to escape his uncompromising gaze.
Since when was he so into pistachios? Was that the only thing he’d eaten all day?
It felt like all of a sudden I was noticing things about him that I’d never even thought about in New York. I even wanted to know what other kinds of foods he liked.
“I didn’t mean it, though. I only said that about you because you were talking about Jennifer, and whenever you talk about her or I see the two of you together, I can’t think straight.
I don’t want to remember how I felt in that room on Halloween…
” I admitted, filled with the utmost sincerity.
I wasn’t there to play games or get him in bed the way everyone else was.
I was there because I was ready to know him.
Reserved and wary as always, Neil regarded me silently before slowly approaching.
No, no, no. Why couldn’t he just stand over there? At least then I would have been able to think clearly. Instead, his proximity was bewildering me and putting me on my back foot.
He stopped right in front of me, and his smell, so intensely erotic, wrapped all around me.
And that was enough to have me falling back into uncertainty.
I was irreparably drawn to that man and his doomed aura. I truly couldn’t help it.
“But you realize I am sick in the head, though?” A derisive smile warped his plush lips, and I wrinkled my forehead in confusion.
“What?”
“You heard me,” he said severely. “I live every day with an abnormal, alarming lack of mental stability. You should pick some other man to spend your time with,” he added, sounding amused and wearing a no-fucks-given smile.
I still didn’t know what the hell he was trying to say, but I felt completely overcome by the way his eyes were locked on my lips.
“But what if that’s what I like about you? Your difference?” I crooned the last word, and he frowned, cocking his head to one side.
God, but it was marvelous when he looked at me like that.
“Besides, I’m not afraid of your possible imbalance,” I whisper decisively, even though, deep down, I was very afraid of it. But that wasn’t going to stop me from getting closer to him.
“You should be furious at me right now. Everything I’ve said and done to you…
” He inched forward, and the smell of him reminded me how much I loved the musky scent he wore, so fresh and sharp.
I could have backed up or even walked away entirely, but I just stood there, waiting for him to touch me.
Like there was nothing my body wanted more.
“I should, yes. But I’m not anymore.” I smiled slightly, because now I understood the fears that lurked behind his every word and action.
From now on, I would seek to understand him without letting him bring me to heel.
Neil was a master of exerting control, and the line between accommodating him and being subjugated by him could get very thin.
“What do you want from me, Selene?” He searched my face for an answer. I didn’t take my eyes off his—so bright, so unique, and so very close to me.