Chapter 7 #4
“My first boyfriend was Alain. He gave me a very respectful kiss behind the school when I was about fourteen.” She began her story, and I listened, resting my weight on my elbows. For once, it didn’t matter to me if my clothes or hands got dirty because I knew I’d shower again later.
“Marlon was my second boyfriend. He was my first kiss with…” She paused and cleared her throat uncomfortably. Was she embarrassed to tell me about a little French kissing? After everything I’d done with my tongue, Selene was embarrassed to tell me about some adolescent fooling around?
She was one of a kind.
I kept quiet so as not to make her even more uncomfortable and waited a very long minute for her to continue talking.
“With tongue,” she murmured in the softest of voices, and I only barely suppressed a laugh.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. A kiss with what?” I pretended I couldn’t understand her, and she looked at me like I’d asked if she would suck me off.
She was so cute.
“With tongue,” she repeated uncertainly.
“What’s that?” I frowned to make my reaction look more authentic.
“A kiss with tongue! For Christ’s sake, Neil!” she practically yelled, and I exploded into laughter like I never had before. I struggled not to fall over into the sand and put a hand on my abdomen. Her eyes followed it there from where they had been, staring at my chest.
“Oh, very interesting. That might be the most erotic thing I’ve heard in my entire life.
Truly.” I bit my lower lip and looked again at her plush mouth.
My mood turned serious because what I really wanted to do was remind her of what a real kiss was, but she turned her face away toward the water.
So, instead, I dwelled upon her perfect profile and the little upturn of her nose that I would have happily nibbled.
In that moment, it occurred to me that I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and, weirdly enough, I didn’t want her to stop talking to me either.
We’d only talked like this once before, stretched out in the cushioned lounger by the indoor pool in my house.
And that had been one of the loveliest moments I could recall.
Not just because of the intense sex we’d shared but also because of my genuine desire to hear her story.
Selene told me about herself and about her life in Detroit and her mother; the whole time, I could tell how enthusiastic she was because I’d finally allowed her to talk to me.
It was a tiny, unexceptional, insignificant gesture for me, but, for her, it had tremendous value.
Before meeting Selene, I was always hostile to conversation. I stayed remote and was reluctant to open up with others. With her, I had begun to discover a new way of communicating, and I was starting to think of it as normal, teasing her and laughing with her.
But I was still a disaster zone, and I hoped she’d be able to see that without too many warnings or explanations. Even if I had given her parts of myself that I’d never given—and, likely, would never give again—to anyone else before.
Abruptly, I sat forward and got out my pack of cigarettes.
I lit one up and took a deep drag, like I hadn’t had a smoke in days, before exhaling through my nose.
I was smoking too much during that time.
My throat often got irritated, and I had a cough.
But at least the nicotine calmed me down a little.
I turned suddenly somber and reflective, in the throws of a mood swing that I couldn’t control.
“Is… Is everything all right?” Selene stuttered, frowning next to me.
I enjoyed Tinkerbell, my Tinkerbell, the one who had done everything she could to learn about me and understand me, but I couldn’t let myself give in to that body of hers and those eyes.
Those eyes the color of the ocean that looked at me, in awe but also enraptured.
I couldn’t make the same mistakes again.
When she was lying in that hospital bed in a coma, I’d sworn to her that I’d be by her side, if not exactly in the way she wanted.
I said I would protect her like the shell protects its pearl.
Even if it came at the cost of my own life.
“No, nothing’s fucking all right.” I didn’t raise my voice, but the way I spoke was enough to make it obvious to her that I was agitated.
Selene had always had an ability to understand me.
Even though she looked at me the way everyone else did and was attracted to my looks, my presence, my face, and even my voice, she also appreciated my essence, my strengths, and my weaknesses.
Even my twisted nature and deviant mind.
She wanted me, not just sex with me.
She wanted to use me to get at my soul, not my body.
And that… That scared me.
I wasn’t used to people taking that kind of interest in me.
I lifted the cigarette back to my lips and took a long drag before blowing the smoke out into the sharp salt air. Then I stubbed it out and put the long butt into my cigarette pack.
“Neil…” she murmured in concern.
I rubbed my hands together to get rid of some sand before turning to Selene and locking eyes with her lustfully. Her lips fell open, and her breathing was strained as she sensed my intentions.
I approached her immediately, not giving her any time to stop me, and I stuck one hand into her hair, a gesture of dominance meant to disarm her.
“Would you let me fuck you right now? Right here? Because that’s the only thing I want from you,” I lied.
In truth, I wanted to know about her dreams. I wanted to know her favorite music and ice cream flavors and what color she liked best. I wanted to watch her eyes open as she woke.
Would they still be that brilliant ocean color in the dim light of dawn?
And I wanted to know if she had any more awful pajama sets besides the ones with the tiger print.
And how did she position her body as she slept? What did she look like then?
“Yes,” she said, and my mind came crashing back to reality.
I wanted that sense of peace, the same priceless peace that I felt when I didn’t care at all about women. Instead, there I was with my mind working overtime trying to think of ways to get some distance from her.
Wait a minute… Did I hear right? Did she say yes?
She was certifiable. How could she not hate me after all the depraved things I’d done?
Instead, she was looking at me like I was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen, worthy of her worship and perhaps even…her love.
But no, I wasn’t going to think about that.
Even though I longed to kiss her, and I knew from experience that I could make her succumb to her own desires, I decided to get myself under control.
I pulled my hand away from the nape of her neck and got to my feet. I could feel her pain at the surprise rejection. I’d never successfully resisted her like that before, but, from now on, I was going to be stronger than what tempted me.
Selene looked up at me, disoriented, and then got to her feet, looking alarmed.
In that moment, I had only one thought: escape. Immediately. I wasn’t about to stay there and let her knock me for a loop.
I walked past her to the porch, where a small light illuminated the path.
Fuck her and fuck this feeling in my chest.
I wanted to devour her lips. I wanted her to chase after me, but I kept telling myself that all of this was wrong. I couldn’t continue to confuse her physical attraction to me for real interest. Every time I got near her, I felt removed.
Even now.
With her, I was always standing outside myself.
“Neil, wait…” Selene called out behind me, but I didn’t wait. I continued to stride briskly in the direction of the house until I heard her breathing raggedly behind me. She had to run to catch up with me; she couldn’t have kept pace otherwise. I didn’t slow down but instead sped up on purpose.
“Wait!” She grabbed my arm, and I swung around abruptly. I was enormous, and she was so little that I couldn’t help but soften. She was afraid, but she wasn’t letting go.
Tenacity and determination were her strong suits.
“What the fuck do you want?” I’d run out of patience by then, and it was impossible to talk rationally to me in that state.
“I want to know what’s going on with you,” she answered in an anguished voice.
I jerked roughly away from her, making her stumble a bit.
I pinned her with a furious glare. I could feel my pulse throbbing, my blood pressure rising.
I felt the sweat, the trembling in my hands, the rapid breathing, and the hatred.
So much hatred that I tried to tamp down.
Not for Selene but for myself. For what I was.
“You want to know what’s going on with me?
” I echoed. “For real?” I took a step toward her, and she backed up.
“I-I’m…not myself. I’m not myself when you’re around.
Because you…expand. You are my more—my beyond, Selene.
” The words were dragged out of me, my erratic breathing preventing me from talking to her the way I wanted.
I wasn’t good at expressing myself when it came to certain things, and maybe Selene couldn’t understand what I really meant: She was not just a boundary I couldn’t cross; she was everything beyond.
She was further.
I stared intensely at her and realized that she was about to cry. I could tell from the way her eyes had gotten glassy and how her chin trembled.
“I let you have parts of me that I’ve never given anyone else.
I’ve tried so many times to follow my rules with you, but I just couldn’t,” I gasped out, and it felt as though my skin were burning under the irritating layers of my clothing.
Selene held out a little bit, but, after a few moments, she burst into tears.