Chapter 11 Katherine—A Wrong Wronged Woman
KATHERINE—A WRONG WRONGED WOMAN
For a few seconds, I debate returning to Jahleel. Outside his door, I slip down the wall, sobbing and clutching my knees. There’s nothing I can ever do to make things right … not if he dies.
“Katherine?” Swinging an apron, Scarlett sees me and rushes to my side. “Are you alright? Is the duke alive? I fell asleep. Then I went to the kitchen. I—”
“I’m fine. He lives. He sent me away. He doesn’t want me to be his mistress. He doesn’t believe I care.”
She sighs and helps me up. The absence of her trying to convince me otherwise is damning.
“You think me evil, too, Scarlett?”
More silence.
“Scarlett, I’m in the wrong. I refused to see Jahleel as anything but a villain. That was the only way to justify abandoning our marriage.”
“You mean justifying your abandoning him. Guess some British don’t believe in the words ‘in sickness and health’ or ‘till death do we part’? Guess the Cossacks don’t either.”
Embarrassed at her frankness, I turn back to the bedchamber. “Guess he’s told you everything. Did he mention any of my care? I did care for him in the dacha. I even bathed him.”
“He’s said some things in confidence, but the fever has made him very talkative.” She bites her lip for a moment. “The duke really likes your feet.”
Oh, goodness. That’s what he remembers of our wedding trip? I mean it was passion and motion and kisses in unexpected. …
My face must be an inferno. “We were in love.”
“Ummm. Okay,” she says. “And then you left him.”
Wanting to return inside, I finger the bedchamber’s door pull. “Did he tell you he tried to pretend he’s not in pain and explained his illness as spring colds, as everything but the blood sickness?”
“He’s a proud man and doesn’t like to complain.”
“We lay in bed in our quiet dacha where we spent our wedding trip. That’s when I realized he’s in the same brutal pain Mama had been. He told me not to be concerned. It was just a headache, not an illness which will kill him and the future we should’ve had.”
She grasps my shoulder and jerks me away from the door. “You sound like Wickham.” Her head rears back and she quotes, “The possession of a most valuable living—Wickham whines of it often. Like you, Katherine—you’re angry about the living you ought to have had.”
“What are you talking about? Who is this Wickham?”
“Stephen has me reading Pride and Prejudice by A. Lady to calm the duke, except it doesn’t calm him. He wants Wickham destroyed and seems anguished over Darcy’s treatment.”
Scarlett has lost her mind.
Or maybe I have. But I’m grateful that Scarlett isn’t condemning me. “At least you’re talking with me. Didn’t think you would.”
“I love you, but Katherine, I’m hurt. How could you be so cruel as to keep a good man from his child?”
“Especially if his days are numbered.” I cover my mouth, then through parted fingers, I say, “I’ve done so badly. I’ve injured him; now it’s his turn to punish me.” My head drops. “Can’t he see? I’ve been a good mother in secret.”
“Katherine, you have been motherly to me, to all of us, especially Lydia. But every one of your actions is built on lies.”
“It’s no secret how much I love you and Georgina. And I love my daughter more than anything. You know I sacrificed everything to protect our family?”
“I think you see your deception as this,” she says, her fingers sinking into her apron. “And I know how hard you worked to help Mama through her illness. Yet you were willing to let the duke die without the truth. That’s hard to forgive.”
My throat dries like the air about a hearth burning Wilcox coal. “I … I’m sorry for the lies. I thought he’d have married by now. Someone who wouldn’t get numb every time he struggled to breathe. He should’ve moved on and had a family.”
“He has one. It’s the Wilcoxes and Charleses. And now Carews.”
“If he’d loved someone else, he could’ve had a son, a healthy son to be worthy of all the battles he’s fought.”
Scarlett glares at me. “He chose you. From what I understand of the princess, marrying someone without noble birth was a grand choice.”
“Jahleel is noble, nobler than I. And his character is stronger—” I sound pitiful. “I’m going to make it up to him. I’m so sorry to have caused so much ruin.”
“Katherine, I love you, but this is all your fault. You left a man who adored you and then came up with hurtful lie after hurtful lie about his character to justify your fears.”
“I thought I divorced him. I renounced the marriage in the square. We were done. Didn’t know that only he could say that.”
“You think Russians are less paternalistic than the British. Men can get out of things when they want, not women.”
“Yes, we are left to suffer.”
“Suffer? Did he beat you? Was he proven adulterous? Tell me something to make your treatment of him and Lydia make sense. Was it the illness? You can’t love a sick man?”
I drop my head. There’s nothing but the insurmountable fear of the thing that killed my mother and Scotland, and the lies Tavis and his parents told me.
“I didn’t want a life chained to suffering with a man who was a philanderer and a gambler.
But everything I thought was true about Jahleel was a lie. ”
Her eyes get big. “I told you the duke said a lot of things while he slept. A lot. I don’t think he fully knew about the sickness, not until his sister died and physicians in London diagnosed him.”
My ears ring. Jahleel didn’t know! Scarlett’s voice echoes in my head.
I crumble, flopping again to the floor.
My sister drops her apron and sits beside me. She lifts my chin. “You were younger. And the sickness is scary. It hurts to watch him fight to breathe. But none of that makes up for how you’ve treated the duke.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
“But you did.” Scarlett looks down the corridor. “In this particular scenario, I guess we are lucky that he is a good man. Lydia’s elevated.”
My sister and I haven’t been easy with each other for a long time. “I want peace, peace with everyone.”
“The Duke of Torrance can’t help his sickness any more than Mama. I can’t believe that this is why you turned against him. Sickness—that’s something that could be solved if it affected more of the ton and Mayfair.”
She means white men. They have more access to physicians and hospitals. Women struggle to get care even for having a child. “Don’t hate me, Scarlett. I already hate myself.”
Her shoulders sag. “I don’t hate you, but I can hate what you’ve done. As close as you were to our father, you know what it would’ve meant for Lydia and the duke to have more time as father and daughter, especially if we lose him tonight.”
My cheeks become wet again.
Scarlett looks unmoved. “The wild-lettuce tea has made him reveal that he spoke to our father on your wedding day. He said he’d annul your union to Tavis because you were already married. Papa said you were happy, finally happy after a long sadness. That made the duke walk away from St. George’s.”
“Jahleel was there? That can’t be.”
My sister tugs me up and hauls me to the mirror in the hall, the one close to Lydia’s bedchamber.
“He described me holding baby Lydia. The fever has made him say so many things. He couldn’t figure out why you hated him.
Then he figured you never actually loved him, and he wanted that to change what he felt for you.
It didn’t. If he had known that day that Lydia was his daughter, he wouldn’t have relented.
He’d even remain in a loveless marriage hoping to win back your affections for your child’s sake. ”
Looking at my face in the glass, I don’t recognize myself. Terror and sadness weigh down my tears. “I don’t like who I’ve become. I’ve told myself stories to justify lies.”
“He had his title; he could’ve had his family,” Scarlett says. “The man didn’t care one jot about scandal. But Papa thought you loved Tavis and didn’t want the Wilcoxes exposed to more gossip. Even then, Jahleel Charles was the better man.”
“Tavis said he invited Jahleel, but he didn’t care. His own parents refused to come. I thought Jahleel did, too. I thought he was done with me.”
Scarlett looks at me like I am the stupidest woman in the world. Well, this face in the mirror looking back at me, mine, surely belongs to a stubborn fool.
“Katherine, being afraid of what others think has ruined lives. How long will you let it ruin yours?”
More tears again run down my cheeks. “I need to be honorable now. I need to help Jahleel.”
I can’t look at my reflection anymore. and turn to my sister. “Scarlett, how do I fix this?”
“Sometimes there’s no solution. Just know, if the duke … when he recovers, he’s taking Lydia with him to St. Petersburg. He wants to be away from here.”
Her warning thuds in my ear. “Everything is lost. There’s no forgiveness if they are gone.”
My sister’s face turns ashen … like stone. “That is true.”
The personal maid Jahleel has hired to attend Lydia, Mrs. Cantor, leaves my daughter’s room. “Ma’am, Lady Hampton, the child finally went to sleep. Is the duke better?”
Scarlett mouths, No.
Shoulders slumped, head bent, the old woman tiptoes to the stairs.
“Lydia’s suffering right now,” I say, my voice crumbling. “That man struggling to live loved her before he knew she was his. There’s no forgiveness if they, if he or she is gone. If Jahleel dies …”
A warm hand scented with charcoal and herbs touches my chin.
Scarlett lifts my gaze to hers. “My big sister is capable of greatness. Scotland and I were always in awe of you. Be great again, Katherine, dazzle us with your determination and kindness. Don’t be afraid.
You’re more than a mistake, even one as big as this. ”
Before we lose this moment, I draw her into a hug. “Congratulations. Stephen saw us earlier. He’s quite in love.”
“We both are. Stephen and I understand and accept one another.” She pulls away, and her eyes sink to the thick carpet. “Katherine, if the duke and Lydia go to St. Petersburg, I’ll go with them.”
“But you’re newly married. Your husband is here.”
“The duke and Lydia need care. It’s the only way to extend their lives. I don’t know what to say to Stephen yet, but he’s a physician. He knows what it means to care for sick patients.”
I hug Scarlett again. “Jahleel and Lydia will stay. Your happiness will not be compromised because of me. The duke knew Stephen Carew would make you happy, just as he knew Lord Mark loved Georgina. He’s not selfish. He won’t ask you to make this separation.”
Scarlett releases me. “It’s not up to him. It’s my decision. My dedication to finding the cure was for Mama. Now it’s for them.”
“This is a decision for you and your husband to make you—”
A third time with the stupid look. How can I lecture her about what a husband and wife should agree on after what I’ve done? “Sorry, Scarlett. This is terrible.”
She sighs deeply. “It’s about to get worse.
Lord Mark was in the kitchen with Georgina as she baked the duke’s favorite kartoshka.
He’d just visited his mama. The Marchioness of Prahmn says you’re the talk of the town.
She believes the scandal will be in the papers soon. Lady Hampton, the bigamist.”
No. I take a breath, then another. “It will pass. Gossip does.”
“Maybe, Katherine. Maybe not. Your old in-laws, the Palmerses, are gossiping to everyone. They say you committed fraud.”
More scandal. This time it is deserved. What do I do? “Scarlett?”
She heads toward Jahleel’s bedchamber, but I grab her arm. “The duke wants a bath. His fevered dreams … Something about Tavis has made him think the condition he’s in or what he wears when he dies is how Jahleel will face eternity. He wants a bath and to be fully clothed.”
“No. Stephen wants to wait. He thinks the temperature change or the water could bring pneumonia to his lungs.”
“But he’s fevered all over.”
She squints at me. “How do you know he’s fevered everywhere?”
I ignore the question. “If this is the duke’s last request, I shall make it happen. I’ll make sure he doesn’t get sicker.”
“How, Katherine?”
“I’ve bathed him before.”
A brow rises, maybe even an urge to giggle. “Yes, you both said this. But no. We wait for Stephen.” She leaves me, knocking down the hall in Papa’s old boots, and enters Jahleel’s bedchamber.
My sister moves so fast that she doesn’t pick up her apron. I do, and it gives me ideas.
Jahleel’s been denied enough. The man wants a bath. He’ll get one from his hired mistress.