28
WITH YOU, NOT ME
ADRIANA
H e doesn't follow a second time.
My heart judders as it struggles to keep going and it's left beating out of habit. My ribs ache and my lungs burn and I stutter a ragged breath, refusing to shatter.
I'm alone with nothing but my thoughts for company. They're as much a yoke around my neck as this goddamn collar. His goddamn collar.
There's no escaping either of them.
I drag my sorry self along the path, ignoring the wonder Enzo conjured for me. It is the paradise I've always dreamt of and a garden worthy of Eden, but it's more than I can bear to bask in its glory and enjoy its beauty. He's done this for me and I can't stand it. It's too perfect. It's too heavenly an act from someone who's so demonic.
The garden thins into a beach and its pure white sand is as vast as the sentence I'm facing. My feet indulge themselves as the warm sand sinks between my toes and I walk along the water's edge.
I'm playing in the warm water, at the limit of the sandy beach. It's where the ocean meets the earth, where two opposing forces collide. One forces its will on the other as it wears the other down, swallowing it beneath its beautiful and mysterious waves.
I'm disturbing the balance and I cannot find mine.
I certainly won't unless I figure out what the hell it is I'm actually feeling. My emotions are hurtling around me and I'm caught in the center of their tornado—and it's far from calm. I'm being thrown around in the storm they're creating and I won't survive this gale unless I find a tether.
I want it to be Enzo.
As despicable and unbelievable and truly terrifying as that is, it's a truth my heart knows it can't deny. My soul knows it's true and I feel it in the marrow of my bones and the blood that makes my body sing as it courses through it.
I am his.
I've been his for a while now.
It happened so damn slowly I didn't see the tidal wave coming in and when it slammed into me; it left me devastated.
I didn't want this. I certainly didn't need it. But it's happened and now I'm facing the consequences of another decision I've made. This one by my heart.
Enzo is harsh. Unforgiving. So damn hard he's impossible and his behavior verges on cruelty. I imagine it's his nature, but that doesn't make it more bearable. Or more excusable.
My bum hits the sand as my thoughts crash onto me. The ocean waves lap onto my feet and I'm left with no choice but to face an inevitable truth: I like the way he is.
Not all the time.
Not when I don't understand him and I'm struggling to keep up with him.
But I like his roughness. I like the certainty and security he provides. I like the comfort and peace he gives me and I definitely like the way he fucks me. It has nothing to do with the gifts he gives me or the expensive items he surrounds me with.
I enjoy the thrill of his games and the excitement of playing with fire. I love the way I crave his attention and the excitement I get when he gives me it. I miss him when we're apart and want to cling to him when he returns.
I want him to stop lying to me.
I need him to stop hiding things.
I just want to know I've had a choice—a proper one. Not a half one or one made unaware.
The clarity of my thought hits me like a revelation and now I understand precisely why I'm so damn upset. It isn't wearing his collar that devastated me. It's that I didn't understand its implications when I let him put it on.
And I didn't realize it was permanent.
It's the same stupid mistake I made before and I hate myself for making it as much as I hate him for not saving me from it. He should have been clearer, but I should have asked questions. He shouldn't have raced ahead, but I should have stopped him.
There really isn't any choice. It really is an illusion. I've got to face the consequences of my actions and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
The tide comes and goes, but I'm still here. Still sitting where the ocean meets the beach, where two unstoppable forces meet. I'm still out of balance and searching for my tether—and I contemplate all I am and all I'll ever be as I decide what I want.
Time passes but it loses meaning, seconds passing in waves that wash over me as the sea comes and goes. There are hours to think and days to dream, minutes to ask myself all the questions I can imagine and an infinity to find the answers I need.
My wicked problem becomes surprisingly simple and I already knew its solution.
In a world where I'm denied choice, I'm now facing one I don't want. I can continue or I can't. I can face Enzo or keep this hidden from him. There's no escaping this, no running away this time. There's only a binary decision and I need to make it. Now.
“Enzo?”
My voice calls, and he doesn't answer.
“Lorenzo.”
I shout louder and there's only silence. I call again and again and the only response I'm met with is the sound of the waves breaking as the ocean crashes onto the beach.
He said he'd come. He said I'd be able to summon him. Without the rites. He promised to appear any time I wanted him, and even when I might not.
I stand and take a breath, letting the salty sea air calm me.
“Amaymon?”
My voice is almost inaudible, but thunder crashes around me as shadows swirl through the paradise garden. They coalesce at the top of the beach and I stare, in awe as much as anxiety, watching as Enzo emerges from them.
He's motionless. Staring at me with eyes illuminated by starlight and his heart pounds as hard as mine. He's as wounded by this as I am, and yet he's trying to give me what I need.
“How long have I been here?”
“As long as you needed, Adriana. Time works differently here. This place is yours and I created it to be whatever you need it to be. That is the rule governing this place and the only one that matters here.”
I walk toward him, and he doesn't move. Just as I was unmoved earlier. Enzo's learned from his error as I've learned from mine—this is my step to take and he cannot take it for me.
“No more lies.”
He crosses his arms and his shoulders rise. “You may not like the truths you discover, sweet girl. A lie is often kinder than a truth and some truths are best left unsaid.”
“Not between us.”
He swallows. Like he's nervous. Like he doesn't trust this. Like this is too impossible to be real.
“Even ones of omission, Enzo. I can't live this way. I can't...” I glance at the paradise behind him and hope I'm forging a path toward it. “I need to know what you're asking of me. I've got to know all of it. All the darkness that you conceal from me and the things you think will scare me. I can't keep giving only to find out I'm not getting what I think I've agreed to. It hurts too much. For both of us.”
He sighs and tips his head back, looking into the sky as if he's searching the stars for an answer.
“Is this truly what you want, Adriana?”
I've never been more certain.
“Yes.”
“I do not want to hear you complain I did not warn you. I don't want to hear it when you tell me you didn't know the consequences of this.”
His head snaps down and our eyes meet in agreement.
“I know. But I need to know, Enzo. All of it.”
“It will take time.”
I let my lips curl into a hint of a smile. “Apparently, we're not short on time.”
He stares at me, and I don't know how to interpret his expression. It's a world of pain and hurt with just as much hope and excitement—and it sets me on edge. I realize I've become adept at reading him, and now I can't I'm anxious. I'm not sure what is coming next and the uncertainty is uncomfortable.
“My collar stays on.”
“Can it come off?”
Enzo's head tilts and that boyish expression returns for a moment. “Yes. If I choose it. And I do not Adriana. I will never choose to let you go. I would give anything— do anything —rather than give you up. Understand that there are no lives I would spare, no atrocities I would not commit, no realms or planes I would let stand if that is what it takes to keep you. Men may put it differently and poets would be more romantic, but I am death and destruction and pain and suffering—and I will unleash all of it to hold on to you.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” I stare down the arched eyebrow, refusing to cower or show weakness. “That you wouldn't take it off?”
“I've been explicit about my needs and wants. It seemed obvious.”
I shake my head.
“I know that now.” He pauses. “You are not the only one hurt tonight.”
“I know.”
“I wonder if you do, Adriana. If you truly understand that were you anyone else, I would have torn the skin from your body and ripped you limb from limb. I am not made for being gentle and yet with you, I am different. I relish pain and humiliation, but with you, I show understanding. Kindness, even. You are the exception to all I am, and you are a mystery that holds me in your thrall.”
He offers me his hand, and I stare at it, comparing its size to mine. He's so much bigger that it ought to feel wrong when we’re together. But it doesn't. I fit inside him, as he fits inside me. Our edges match when we collide and I no longer know if we were meant to be this way or if he's shaped me into this, as the waves shape the beach they crash upon.
“I cannot change what I am and I will not pretend to be anything else. I will not lie, but I will ask more of you. You will meet my needs and I will meet yours, Adriana. I will soften for you, from time to time, and to the best of my ability. That is as much I can move for you and it is more than I would do for anyone else in all of Heaven and Hell.”
I nod and slide my hand into his.
“One day, I will take this collar off you. Not because I want or need to, but because I trust you will ask me to put it back on again. You will beg and plead and offer me your soul to wear it. Do you understand me?”
Enzo hasn't said sorry nor removed the collar. I won't get either. He's incapable of doing it and he's gone to the very edge of his capacity to soften. And he's done it for me. This is all he can give, as much as he can do, and now it’s my turn to take a step toward reconciliation.
“I should have asked.”
He grunts.
“I should have asked about a lot of other things, too.”
Enzo nods. “I should have assumed a mortal would not understand the complexities of my ask.”
He pulls me against him and does nothing more than hold me. He's firm and comforting, strong and secure, and this is as soft as Enzo can manage. His chin rests on my head and we stay like this, somehow finding a balance as our opposing forces meet and coexist.
“Do you truly despise it?” Enzo asks.
“I hate that I didn’t understand its implications. It robbed me of something.” I swallow and press my head into his chest. “It took something from us, Enzo, and I detest that we lost something.”
The demon exhales and—as improbable as it is—we’ve found our balance. We’ve crashed into each other and he heard my voice instead of letting it being drowned out as his ocean breaks me apart and I shatter on the rocks. For the first time, Enzo listened.
He hasn’t just taken.
He hasn’t tried to buy me.
He’s given me something that mattered.
“This place is nice,” I whisper. “It’s almost perfect.”
Enzo scoffs and his fingers run through my hair, tucking it behind my ear. He lifts my chin and his eyes are the color of midnight and contain the light of a thousand constellations.
“I made this place for you. Only you, Adriana. It is whatever you need and want it to be. If there is any imperfection, then the fault is with you, not me. What more could you possibly want?”
I press onto tiptoes and crash my lips onto his, stealing a kiss that’s potent and filled with longing. He’s stolen thousands from me, but this is the first I’ve taken from him—and it brings us back together, uniting us despite our differences and we descend into a different madness. Together.