Chapter Twenty-Four #2
He lets go. “I didn’t realize I was only allowed to kiss you when you’re tied to my bed or asleep in yours.”
Last night was real, not a dream.
“Well, you can’t kiss me outside my work.”
He nods once, the motion stiff. “Alright. Then let's get away from your important job and get back to the hole where us dirty criminals hang out.”
“Theo—”
“Come on,” he interrupts. “We’ve got church.”
The emotions in my chest feel like they’re caught on a spiderweb, unable to break free. There’s pain for Jennifer’s loss. A fiery need to take justice into my own hands. Guilt for abandoning Amber. Longing for Theo. Fondness for the Saints. Regret for putting that pained look on Theo’s face.
Too many to say anything now. So, I pull on the helmet and climb onto the bike, leaning into Theo’s back.
My third church with the Saints is leaps and bounds better than the first two.
I can still tell some of them are angry at me for being there, but the rest welcome me in, and Luna makes me sit next to her and Raph rather than waiting toward the back of the room.
The meeting stretches on, though there are moments that are interesting, like when Kip explains the club’s next chop hit or when Theo goes over interested prospects.
Toward the end, he brings up the South Five and how the club will prepare for retaliation.
I want to shrink into myself at the feeling of gazes on me like shards of ice.
It’s not that I’m embarrassed or ashamed.
I don’t regret killing that guy. But that’s a part of myself that has never risen to the surface for someone to notice.
Before Theo, only one person knew I’m a murderer.
Now, in the middle of an entire room of people who literally watched me kill another human, I feel flayed open, naked down to my soul.
My body begs to hide for my own survival or fight back to eliminate the threat, neither of which I can do.
I have no choice but to sit here, Theo’s voice an unintelligible roar, and endure the sharp edges of dozens of sets of eyes cutting into my skin.
“Alright, that’s all for tonight. Ride starts at ten tomorrow. Don’t be late,” Theo says. He walks up to me while the Saints disperse. “You good to hang out for another half hour or so? I need to talk to Axel.”
He still sounds upset, and it makes no sense that he’d care so much about kissing me in public. It’s not like we’re dating.
“That’s fine,” I say. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
I open my mouth to ask more, but Theo doesn’t give me the chance. He turns and walks away, the muscles in his back tense.
“Trouble in paradise?” Luna asks.
“I don't get him.”
She chuckles and stands, nodding toward the kitchen. “I’m scheduled to help Benny clean up. Join us, and I’ll try to explain the paradox that is Theo Zervas.”
I follow, picking up empty cups on the way.
“Sweet, I have the killer helping me out, too,” Benny says. His gloved hands are submerged in the sink filled with soapy water.
“Oh great, I’m so glad that nickname is catching on,” I say, voice monotone and full of sarcasm.
Luna shrugs. “What can I say? I’m a natural leader. I can’t help but influence others.”
“How about you influence everyone to call me by my real name?”
“That’d be boring,” Benny says.
“Killer here needs our help understanding the boss,” Luna says.
“Aren’t you the therapist?” Benny asks. “You should be helping us understand that asshole.”
Luna starts loading the dishwasher with the dishes Benny isn’t hand-washing. “We’ve both known him several years longer.” She turns to me and asks, “So, what’s going on?”
A few Saints mingle near the kitchen, and I suck my lips between my teeth, uncomfortable with anyone else hearing me talk about my “relationship” issues with their leader. Luna knows the truth, but Benny only sees what we want him to see. What if this conversation ruins everything?
Then I think about Theo’s face falling earlier and how much he pushed to learn about the fire he saw in my eyes so he could help.
I think about his anger in my office for reducing him to his looks and claiming that we’re both villains.
I remember how he called me beautiful and powerful.
His words after I killed that man in the Iron Cage ring in my ears.
“The more I see of you, the more unworthy I feel to be at the end of your blade, much less between your legs.”
I think about Amber and the mysterious “Scottie” Theo punched Bowie for mentioning, and his childhood in foster care.
There are too many questions I need answers to, and if Benny and Luna can help scratch the surface, then it’s better than nothing.
“Why does he care so much about public perception?”
“What do you mean?” Benny asks.
“Like… it bothers him that I don’t like PDA around my office.”
“Is it the PDA around your office bothering you or Theo’s presence in general?” Luna asks.
My cheeks burn. “A lot of my clients are already nervous around men, and Theo doesn’t necessarily emanate trustworthiness.”
Luna and Benny share a loaded look. I wish I could grab it to unwrap and study.
With a sigh, Benny passes me a pot to dry and says, “Theo has had troubles in the past because of his looks and lifestyle. The cops have targeted him because he fits a certain profile. I mean, they do it to most of us, it comes with the territory—”
“Especially when you are a bunch of criminals,” Luna interrupts.
Benny rolls his eyes. “Right, well, we’re all used to it. But Theo has had it worse. I think it brings old stuff up for him.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“You’ll have to ask him that,” Luna says.
I grind my teeth together and decide to move on to my next question. “Why was it such a big deal that he brought me to church that first time?”
Luna laughs and Benny says, “That’s an easy answer. Theo has only ever brought two women to church before. Both relationships ended badly, and the entire club was affected.”
“Amber and Scottie?” I guess.
Benny looks shocked. “You’ve talked about Scottie?”
“Not with Theo,” I say. “But that guy, Bowie, mentioned her, and I’ve heard some stuff.”
“Yeah, well,” he coughs, “I never met her. I wasn’t in the club when they dated, but she’s still talked about now.
Apparently, Theo was so broken after she died that he was volatile for a while.
Beating people up, pulling jobs by himself, drinking more.
The way some of the older guys talk about him back then makes him seem like a different person. ”
“How did she die?” I ask.
“Suicide,” Luna answers. “But if you want to know anything else, you need to talk to him.”
My heart feels like it’s cracking, and I want to know, but I also can’t imagine asking him to relive what was probably one of the worst times of his life just to satiate my curiosity. “So, the club is worried I’ll either betray them or die?”
Luna shrugs. “The club has trust issues, and we’re all protective of Theo. No one wants to see him hurt again, and everyone can see how much he cares about you.”
Thankfully, I remember Benny before I argue. I decide to make a joke instead. “You sure they’re not just scared he’ll stab them for looking at me too long? His jealous streak is pretty violent.”
“That’s actually new,” Benny says.
“What?”
“He’s right,” Luna says. “I’ve never seen Theo so territorial. Granted, I’ve only seen him with one real girlfriend, and they were hardly exclusive. Most girls, other than Amber, were around for a few days or weeks, if they were lucky. He had no problem sharing them.”
I frown. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope.”
“He wasn’t even that possessive over Amber,” Benny says. “Anytime he caught her making out with someone else, like Raph, he just told them to wear a condom because he didn’t need two Raphs when one was already too many.”
If Theo caught me making out with one of his men, I genuinely think he might kill them then lock me in the bedroom, chained to his bed, for the next month.
“You see why people were hesitant at first?” Luna asks. “Theo’s not supposed to have many weaknesses, and here you are, a stranger who could have him on his knees with nothing but a smile.”
“I’m not… I don’t…” I stutter, unsure how to respond.
Benny grins and unplugs the sink, letting the dirty water drain.
He pulls the gloves off, revealing the tattoos covering the back of his hands and all of his knuckles.
“Theo isn’t as complicated as he seems. He might be a badass, deadly biker with few qualms about breaking the law and almost no fears, but at the end of the day, he only wants one thing. ”
“Which is what?”
Something sad falls over Luna’s face. “Family.”
Family.
The word feels too small for all it represents.
The pain, hope, love, heartbreak, and disappointment cannot fit in six small letters.
So much comes back down to that one simple yet endlessly complicated word.
Every person who has stepped foot in my office has had a suitcase of baggage because of family.
Hell, my own life is drenched in the stains of family.
So why did I expect Theo to be above it all?