Chapter 53
Luci
12 Weeks Pregnant
W ith enough begging and Quinn’s suggestion that I get light exercise, I broke down Nonno to allow daily walks around Elio’s property. Even though he insists someone comes with me for my safety, most of the time I’m given space. It’s nice to not be bombarded by my family or Elio. Today Mamma has the pleasure of walking with me. We’ve barely had a conversation since coming here. Most of the time she avoids me, speaking to Nonna about how she’s failed me as a mamma.
“Luci, can I talk to you?” That’s new.
“Okay. About what?” My hands shake in my coat pockets, not because of the cold but from nerves.
“I want to apologize. I’ve been cold and mean toward you. I hate that you’re in the same situation I was in and that we’ve had to pick up our whole lives. I’m grieving over our life in Philadelphia that we’ll never be able to return to, and I took it out on you.” Is this an apology or a guilt trip? “It doesn’t excuse how I’ve been. Nothing is going to change this pregnancy and I could either support you or have our relationship suffer. I love you, my Luci Girl, and I’m going to support you like your nonna supported me. Will you let me do that?”
Mamma embraces me when she notices I’m crying. Stupid emotions. What makes me cry harder is her shushing me and rocking me back and forth like she did when I was a little girl. I’ve been hurt by so much, including Mamma ignoring me, but I guess I never realized how heartbroken I was until now.
“My Luci Girl, don’t cry.” She should know by now that people telling me not to cry makes me cry harder.
My voice cracks as I try to answer her, but I choke it out anyway. “I’m trying to, Mamma. All I can manage is to cry.”
She chuckles as she wipes the tears from my face. “You’ve always been my sensitive baby. I remember how much I cried when I was pregnant with you. One time I was walking in the park and saw the most amazing flowers and cried hard enough that a stranger asked me if I was okay.”
We both laugh and continue our walk. It’s cold yet sunny and considering I’ve been inside for the majority of the last eight weeks, these walks give me some sort of normalcy. I almost forgot how broken I’ve been until we reach Elio’s house and find him unloading things from his car. I blink away the tears as I think of what Alessandro is missing. I’m in that weird place in my pregnancy where I haven’t popped, but I do notice my body changing.
Elio smiles at me when he turns around and sees me approach him. “Hey! How are my girls doing today?”
I grind my teeth when he opens his mouth. Why does he have to be nice? “No one knows what I’m having.”
“Stella says you’re having a girl, and she’s a wise woman. I’m going to believe her.” he finishes with a playful wink and goes to place his hand on my stomach.
I step away from him, almost tripping over my own feet. “Please don’t touch me.”
“No problem. I will insist on feeling our baby kick when that time comes.” Our baby? What a joke.
I ignore the last part of his statement and thank him for not touching me. I want to be on good terms with Mamma and if I try to act agreeable, then it makes everything a lot easier for everyone.
“We should go inside. It’s cold and Stella wouldn’t want you getting sick. I bought the ingredients to make stew. And I found that cheese you finally can stomach.” Stew and cheese? Wow, that sounds amazing. He’s been nice and generous, very Elio-like. I want to hate him, but he’s too kind to hate and it irritates me.
Several hours later, the stew is all done, and the cheese is all gone. I’d be lying if I said others had the opportunity to have some. I’m eating for two though, and need more to eat than they do. Pregnancy math, right?
Tonight’s dinner reminds me of how things used to be, plus Elio. Nonna puts some stew in front of me and now I wish I had some cheese to put on top of it. Dang it. Nonno interrupts me as I lift the spoon to my mouth.
“Luci, let's pray as a family before we eat.” I know he adds the ‘as a family’ to annoy me. I’ve decided that I need to pick and choose my battles with them. I miss the relationship we had before this whole mess started.
Mamma and I are on better terms since this morning’s walk and Nonna has been by my side physically since we’ve been here. Nonno is the one who’s going to be the hardest to crack. Mamma says he was the same when she got pregnant. About halfway through, Nonna broke him down and he’s even admitted that he enjoyed watching Mamma carry me. Nonna assured me that he’s only being extra difficult because ‘Alessandro put it inside me.’ I hate that statement.
“Luci, let’s talk about our baby since everyone is here.” My eyes cannot roll farther back into my head if I tried when Elio speaks. I’d rather eat dirt than talk about this.
“What about?” I shove another spoonful of stew into my mouth, keeping me from saying anything else. It makes me think of El and her lack of a filter. Maybe she’s been a little bit of a bad influence on me.
“Damnit, Luciana! That man has been bad for you. You used to be such a good girl and now you’ve given us nothing but attitude. Pregnancy does not excuse the way you’ve been acting. Stop being difficult.” I can’t give Nonno any answer without crying. Fortunately, Elio answers before I can summon the strength and ability to answer.
“Aldo, we should have a nice dinner. We can address other topics later. Let’s go back to what I was originally saying. The four of us think it’s best if you have an at-home birth. Quinn says you’re not high risk, and it keeps everyone safer.”
“She also said you do need to watch what you gain and make sure you eat healthy considering what your pre-pregnancy weight was.” It’s always Mamma who reminds me that I’m not built like her. I’ve never been unhealthy, but basically, it’s obvious I love food.
Elio notices my reaction, understanding that I’ve always felt this way about my body. I’m thankful that he cuts off Mamma and continues with what he was saying. “Quinn also said she says that to all her moms. Anyway. If Alessandro heard you were in a hospital, it could give up your location and then you’d be in danger.”
“I’ve always wanted an at-home birth. Women have been giving birth at home—naturally—since the beginning of time and I’ve always hoped to be a part of that.” It’s not a lie, but now part of me wonders if a hospital birth is better, giving Alessandro a better chance to find me. I wonder if he’s even trying to find me. Alessandro and Marco should be on the hunt for me. It’s important that Alessandro collects on the Miani debt. At least that’s what I’ve been told several times from him and Geno.
“I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Elio places his hand over mine and I let him. Nonno’s right, I’m exhausted with the constant battle. It’s significantly easier to give into this.
Elio comes in closer, whispering to me so no one else can hear. “After dinner, let’s go out to the sunroom and talk privately.” His gentle smile makes it difficult to argue with him, regardless of how much I want to. Instead, I give him a small smile in agreement.
After dinner, when Nonno, Nonna, and Mamma head to their rooms, Elio takes the opportunity to talk with me. Or will he talk at me? Regardless, he brings me into the sunroom off the living room. The sunroom is charming during the day when the sun shines in the big windows that show his property. At night the only light that comes in is produced by the stars, making it equally as beautiful as it is haunting. We sit down and he doesn’t waste any time, knowing I’ll change my mind if he waits too long.
“Before we talk, let me give you this. Our little secret.” He winks as he hands me a candy bar and wow. Chocolate and peanut butter and pretzels and caramel, all my favorite things condensed into one candy bar. Eating this has been the closest thing I’ve gotten to an orgasm since I’ve gotten here. I’ve almost forgotten Elio is sitting with me until he starts talking again.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying that. Ignore Caterina and what she says. Every inch of you is perfect. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.”
This conversation has suddenly gotten incredibly awkward. The last thing I want to talk about is Mamma and her issues with my body and my insecurities with mine. I’m thankful he speaks again until I process what he says.
“The main thing I want to talk to you about is our sleeping arrangement. Will you move into my room? The baby you’re growing is our child, and I think it would be best if we shared a room. When our baby is born, I want both of us to be close to her. We’ll need the extra room for her future nursery at some point. I’ve had my crib that I slept in as a baby for years in that closet and plan to put it together for her. What do you think?”
Panic consumes me as I try to figure out the best way to tell him no without yelling Fuck no! What seems like years pass by before I manage to answer back. “Maybe later. I don’t know. I get hot when I sleep and I think I’d be uncomfortable sharing a bed. I’ve gotten comfortable with how I sleep in that room and don’t think I’d sleep with someone else there. And you can still set up the crib in that same room for my baby.” The hope in his eyes disappears and an emotion I only saw once appears in its place. The same expression he had the night he broke up with me. “At some point, we’ll have to share a room. You realize that, right? I’m trying to be patient and not yell at you, but I’m frustrated. I love you, Luci, both you and the baby. We need to come together to raise her.”
“I will sleep where I want and raise my baby how I want. You are not the father, Alessandro is, and I will make sure this baby knows that.” I don’t give Elio time to answer me before I rush away, shutting myself in the bathroom. I stand in the shower until my skin turns pink, and the water runs cold before escaping to my bedroom, thankfully unseen.
After my conversation with Elio, I’m more determined to get home to Alessandro, as long as he wants me. Even if he doesn’t want me, I don’t see a world where he would let me walk off with his baby. He kept me locked up tight before I knew I was pregnant. I could only imagine how protective he would be now. Maybe I want to be locked there. At least I’d be with the man I love.