Chapter 13 #2
“She’ll ruin you.” The words were stark, unyielding, and yet Aubrey felt no sting.
He did not even blame his cousin for saying them.
Hawk had been conditioned to think a certain way, to act a certain way; he was trapped, as so many people were trapped.
But Alice had unlocked more than Aubrey’s heart, she had freed him of the shackles that held him in place and given him the courage to set them aside.
Aubrey reached for his coffee cup, turning it in his hands as he tried to find the words to explain. He knew he was about to make things worse between himself and his cousin, but he owed him the truth.
“I’m sorry for you, Hawk, if that’s truly all you can understand about the situation.
You see nothing but scandal and ruin where I see salvation.
Alice has given me back the joy of living, of waking in the morning and wondering what might be possible.
I understand some people won’t welcome us, and I accept that.
Honestly, if people are so narrow-minded that they cannot accept my choice, then I’d rather not have anything to do with them.
I’d rather live my own life, be my own man, with Alice at my side, than dance to society’s drum.
I know you can’t hear anything but that drum, Hawk, and I hope you’ll forgive me for saying it, but I pity you, cousin.
Honestly and truly, I do. For your life will be barren and empty for so long as you live.
Is that what you really want? Is that all that life holds for you: duty and responsibility and providing an heir?
There’s so much more if you’d only open your eyes. ”
“That’s enough!” Hawkney looked truly furious now. He rose, stalked to the window, and looked out. The day was grey, a thin, desultory rain pattering against the glass. “I have had as much as I can take of such overwrought, mawkish sentimentality.”
Aubrey sighed inwardly, setting his coffee cup down on the desk.
“I am sorry to disabuse you, Hawk, but love is more than mawkish sentimentality. Falling in love is probably the single most important thing any of us ever do in our lives. It can make or break us, it can be a source of comfort and joy, or a chain about our necks, dragging us down.”
“Falling in love is irrelevant!” the duke snapped, swivelling on his heel and glaring at Aubrey.
He folded his arms, his piercing blue eyes brim full of frustration.
“Dear God, I thought I was having a rational conversation with an intelligent man, and all I discover is a foolish boy who has everything upside down.”
There was a deathly silence, but Aubrey was beyond provocation. He knew he was right, knew he had learned something that his cousin had not. He only prayed his grace did so one day, before it was too late. He smiled sadly at Hawkney.
“It’s a funny thing, Hawk, but I could say those exact same words and aim them at you. Only I’d be right. Good day to you. Alice and I will be gone shortly. We can see ourselves out.”
With that, he got to his feet and walked to the door. The last thing he saw before leaving the room was the duke silhouetted against the windows. Stiff and unyielding, he stood alone, the head of the family, gazing out at the rain.
Hawkney House, Mayfair, London, 20th January 1816
It was a dismal day, and yet Alice longed to be outside, to feel the icy rain on her cheeks.
The duke’s house was suffocating her. She paced the bedroom, with each step promising herself she would be brave, bracing herself for disappointment but determined to act with dignity…
though the thought of losing Aubrey made her throat ache.
A sleepless night had left her with few illusions, though. Hawkney would make Aubrey see sense.
Hearing a sharp knock, she flew to the door and tugged it open, letting out a sigh of relief to see Aubrey standing there.
He smiled at her, such warmth and concern in his green eyes that Alice desperately wanted to run to him, to fling her arms about him and hold on for dear life, but she didn’t dare. She felt certain he must have spoken to the duke by now and had come to give her his apologies.
“Did Lill pack everything you needed?”
Alice smiled, gesturing to the small valise that had awaited her last night. “Of course. Lill always knows exactly what I want.”
He gestured to her gown, looking her over in a way that made her pulse leap. “You look lovely. Green suits you.”
“My best dress,” she replied, smoothing the skirt. “Miss Marwick never wears bold colours, so this is rather daring. It’s easier not to be noticed, you see.” She tried to sound light, but the words came out flat.
“But you love beautiful things,” Aubrey said gently.
Alice managed a laugh. “Doesn’t everyone?”
He caught her hand, turning her to face him. “Especially you. I want to see you in bright colours, in silk and velvet, laden with jewels. Nothing but the best.”
Unsure how to answer, Alice pulled away and crossed to the bed. She picked up the handkerchief-wrapped parcel and handed it to him. “Your mother’s diamonds. Back where they belong.”
He smiled and tucked them into his coat pocket without so much as a glance, trusting that it was all there as she’d said. “Vinnie will be over the moon, though we’ll have to decide what to tell her.”
“We?” Alice wanted to bite her tongue off the moment the word left her mouth.
“Of course we.” He gave her an odd look.
“But we have plenty of time to decide. We can talk about it on the journey home. Vinnie is going to be so full of questions, we must have our stories straight or we’ll get ourselves in a tangle in no time.
Grandmother will interrogate us mercilessly too, so I’ll not have anything left to chance. I’m sorry, by the way.”
Here it was, she thought, bracing herself. He was just ensuring no one knew the truth, and now he’d apologise and express his regrets that there was no future for them.
“For telling Hawkney about Alfie and making out he really is your brother, I mean.”
Alice stared at him. He was frowning and looked rather angry.
“I hope you do not think me too hen hearted. Whatever you do think, please do not believe that it was because I wanted to hide it, to hide you.”
Alice gaped at him, her stupid heart thudding erratically as she tried to make sense of his words.
He smiled and took her hands, holding them in his own.
Large and warm and capable, his touch made her feel secure, anchored in a way she had never experienced before and she tried to shrug off the sensation, to tell herself she was building castles in the air, but it persisted.
“I wanted to tell him, Alice, to show him how truly remarkable you are, but… but Hawkney is trapped.”
His thumb was tracing a small circle against her palm, and the touch was remarkably distracting.
It felt as if he were touching her somewhere far more intimate, making her breath catch, her pulse leap.
Alice had the suddenly urgent desire to feel those warm hands upon her skin, caressing her and pleasing her as he had once promised to do.
Yet his words had a power of their own, and she wished to hear his explanation, despite her distraction.
“Trapped?” she repeated, aware of the strange quality of her own voice.
He nodded, his expression thoughtful, sorrow in his eyes.
“By the dukedom, by conventionality, society, the expectations of everyone around him. It’s a funny thing, Alice, but I never considered his life, nor mine either come to that, not before you.
You made me question everything, made me look at what really matters, and now I realise. He’s scared to death.”
Alice blinked, prepared to believe anything this marvellous man said. The Duke of Hawkney as scared to death was something of a stretch, though.
Aubrey laughed at her expression and reached out, cupping her face with his hands.
It made her feel cherished, seen in a way she had never experienced before.
“I know, and I’m not sure how to explain it.
I only know that you’ve made me brave enough to take responsibility for myself, for my own happiness, and so long as I cause no harm—and I don’t think a nine days' wonder of a scandal constitutes harm—then I shall do as I think best.”
“What do you want, Aubrey?” The words were out before she could check them and Alice cursed her unruly tongue, but Aubrey gazed at her like she was everything he could ever need and she wanted… oh, she wanted to hear him say the words so badly. To believe them.
“You. All of you, whatever that might mean.”
All the breath left her lungs in a whoosh that seemed to undermine the strength in her muscles, and she swayed. Not that it mattered as Aubrey hauled her into his arms. His lips covered hers, hard and demanding, and yet tender.
“Yes,” she said the moment she could take a breath, finding that she was sobbing as she clutched at his lapels. “Yes, oh, yes. Say you mean it?”
“I’ve never meant anything more, love.” He gazed down at her, such sincerity in his eyes that she marvelled at it.
He was the hero, and surely she was the villain, and yet they worked, somehow.
“But as delightful as this is, we must go. Hawkney and I have had a frank exchange of words, and I’d rather leave him to digest those in private.
Hopefully, next time we meet, he’ll be resigned to the inevitable.
“Oh, you’ve rowed with him, over me.” She searched his face for regret and found none, yet she did not wish to be the cause of a rift.
“It was inevitable. But don’t worry. He’s not half so hard-hearted as he likes to believe. Give him time.”
“But he wished to speak with me. I do not wish him to think I ran away, that I was afraid to—”
“He’ll not think that. I told him we were leaving within the hour. So, if you’re ready to go?”
Alice nodded, only too ready to leave this place, to leave London and the threat of Silas Mourney. Alfie really would need to keep a low profile now and stay out of London for good.
The thought was not a happy one, but for now, it was for the best.