Chapter 6
Itsuki
“Dinner?” God, what a freaking weird thing for me to ask.
I’ve never asked anyone if they would want to do something.... well... maybe Yasu and Riku. They were my closest friends for a reason. Ryosuke was a virtual stranger. There was something about him that called to me. Told me that I needed to open up to him and get him to talk to me.
When Yasu had been so damn rude to him earlier, I’d wanted to stomp my feet like a petulant child and tell him to grow the fuck up.
We weren’t the people who made others feel small and insignificant because they were different or had messed up in the past. Everyone deserved a chance to prove themselves, and so far, Ryosuke had been nothing but nice to me.
There was something about him that set my whole body at ease.
I could breathe just a little easier around him, and I wanted to cling to that.
Did that make me a bad person? I sure hoped not.
The longer Ryosuke stared at me, the more my skin crawled. I wanted to take the question back and forget that I had ever said anything. It took a lot for me to open up to someone like that and invite them to do things with me…
“What were you thinking?” His words were a low rumble that sent butterflies exploding low in my gut. There was only one other person who’d ever done that for me, and that was Yasu.
I hadn’t really thought about it.
There were a lot of options that we could do, but a big part of me wanted to hit up one of those street stands that popped up late at night that sold the best ramen. It was only midday, but a good ramen place was still a possibility.
“How do you feel about ramen?” I asked, my fingers itching to dig into my pockets while I waited for him to answer me.
It took a moment, but the small smile that spread across his face had warmth spreading through my body. “I could go for that. Have you tried the place right around the corner from the studio?”
I grinned at him, nodding enthusiastically. “I have. It’s one of my favorite places outside of the pop-up shops.”
We started to walk, shoulders bumping as we stayed far too close to one another.
Every time we touched, little sparks of electricity shot through my system, and I wanted to reach out and wrap my hand around his.
It was so damn stupid because I’d just met Ryosuke today, but there was something about him that called to me.
That said, this was meant to be, and we were fated.
Fate, what a damn joke.
A small laugh escaped my lips as we rounded the corner, the sign for the ramen restaurant came into view.
It might have made me look maniacal because it came out of nowhere.
Here I was a few hours into meeting someone and thinking we were fated somehow.
That had to be a new low. I was known for attaching myself to people a little too easily, but this was a new record.
“Are you okay?” Ryosuke asked.
My face heated as we entered the restaurant.
“I’m fine.” I wasn’t.
There were so many things wrong with me.
I didn’t know how to voice any of it. There was how easily I attached myself to others, then how I still didn’t know how to define who I was as a person.
I was twenty-two having no idea who I really was outside of being—Itsuski: Guitarist for Pink Cherry.
I liked wearing frilly Lolita dresses, and I was attracted to just about anyone.
It wasn’t always that I wanted only one person either.
How the hell did you talk to anyone about that? Especially in a country like Japan, where most didn’t have a way to identify their sexuality.
Sure, I’d done some research. I knew what it meant to be “x-gender” although I still didn’t completely understand what that meant for me or how to talk to my friends about it.
There were days I felt okay with being Itsuki Takahashi.
I didn’t feel like there were any stipulations attached to my identity or who I was as a person.
.. but as a boy? Was it normal to love my feminine side so much?
There wasn’t any shame attached to wearing my dresses or feminine clothing.
My friends had always made me feel comfortable, no matter what.
It helped that I was a big part of the Visual kei scene.
Men wearing women’s clothes wasn’t weird at all.
It was an inherent part of our culture. It didn’t change the fact that at times the dresses made me more comfortable, more at home in my skin.
I’d never had anyone to talk to about it. It was one of the things I hated most about life. When you were different, there was always that struggle. There had to be people like me out there but finding them was nearly impossible. Mostly because of the stigma attached to it by others.
While Japan was mostly sex-positive, things that were outside of the usual woman and man pairing were still mostly considered taboo.
I could easily find gay manga at the bookstores, but it didn’t always equate to what I was feeling.
It was often men who were secretly in love with their best friends or who had a thing for men who acted like little boys.
I’d never kink shame, but it wasn’t my thing. It was hard to relate to.
I was attracted to one of my best friends.
It didn’t explain other aspects of my sexuality. Most missed the mark in one way or another, and even though I always bought them regardless... something was missing. I wanted what was missing. There had to be something out there for someone who didn’t always feel like a boy or a girl.
A woman who had greeted us at the entrance led us to a table.
I didn’t even bother to look at the menu before ordering the tonkatsu ramen.
I never ordered anything fancy because there was just something special about ordering the classics.
Ryosuke was similar, copying my order before the woman disappeared.
We sat across from each other awkwardly.
This would be the perfect opportunity to start asking him questions and get to know him on a deeper level, but something was holding me back. Maybe it was the way Yasu had reacted to him. Yasu was my best friend, and there had to be a reason that he’d had his guard up.
“You know that I didn’t participate... right?”
Ryosuke’s question caught me off guard, causing me to blink at him several times before I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
“Didn’t participate?” I asked.
Everyone knew what had happened to Ryosuke’s band, but it was obvious that he wasn’t part of the problem if he was the only person still floating around the label and the rest were all gone. It wasn’t any of my business either.
I hadn’t asked and didn’t really care.
Ryosuke let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his bright red hair before turning his smoldering stare at me. “I’m a huge fuck-up sometimes, but that was the one time I wasn’t. Some people can’t let it go.”
Maybe he was referring to the way Yasu had reacted to him. It would make sense, but maybe he’d missed that the rest of the band hadn’t.
“Well, I think that unless you do something to hurt us, you’re golden until then.”
I adjusted my legs, which were crossed one over the other, under the low table where we were seated. The longer Ryosuke stared at me, the more anxious I felt. But then the best thing happened. A warm smile spread across his lips that sent little sparkly butterflies exploding in my gut.
“Is that so? What kind of hurt are we talking about? Surely not the fun kind.”
And that had my face heating up. Was he flirting with me?
I shifted in my seat again because that hadn’t been my intention when inviting him out to eat, but it wasn’t unwelcome.
The attention was nice. It was what I craved more often than not, and having this gorgeous guy giving it to me without me having to ask for it?
That was the best feeling in the entire world.