Chapter 36
Itsuki
It had been two weeks since the show, and it was another night spent at Ryosuke’s tiny apartment.
We sat on his futon and ate convenience store food as we talked about all the things we wanted to do over the summer.
There’d be a short break in our tour, and I wanted to go to the beach while Ryosuke insisted we try to climb Mt.
Fuji. I wasn’t the sporty type, and while everyone seemed to want to do it at least once in their lives, I didn’t have that desire.
“You know what I think I should do?” I asked, taking a bite of the onigiri I’d just unwrapped. “Especially now that I know I can dye my hair, I think I want to go blond.”
Both Yasu and Ryosuke stared at me because I knew it was one of the most random things I could have said. I was in one of my moods again where I didn’t feel one hundred percent about my body.
While I’d been honest with both of them about having those moments, I hadn’t gone into detail about just how far that went.
There were days that I didn’t completely feel like a boy, but not quite a girl either.
It was a headache because while I knew some things, Japan was a lot further behind the rest of the world on that.
You were either one or the other, and not both.
There wasn’t a clear-cut definition in my head. I should be able to be whatever the hell I felt like, but I struggled on how to voice that.
While the other two continued to stare at me, I figured it was time to bite the bullet and tell them. If this relationship was going to work, all of it needed to be in the open, anyway, right? If they truly had feelings for me, they wouldn’t care.
I set my onigiri down on its wrapper, looking back and forth between the two men. “Have you heard of the term x-gender?”
Ryosuke and Yasu continued to say nothing, and the longer it remained quiet, my palms grew sweaty and my heart beat even faster in my chest. This shouldn’t have been so hard because I was the guy who pranced around in dresses ninety percent of the time, and they hadn’t judged me for that.
But this felt different. Even when it shouldn’t have.
I took a deep, steadying breath before I continued. “The only reason I bring it up is because, well, I think that it sort of fits me...”
Yasu looked at Ryosuke, and I pinched my eyes closed because I couldn’t face the rejection.
I’d put it out there, and it was scary, but it was something they needed to know about me if this was going to be something long term.
If they couldn’t handle it, then it was a deal breaker.
My heart would be broken, and I’d never recover because I’d already put so dang much on the line with these two.
Arms wrapped around me, and it wasn’t just one set. When I opened my eyes again, I had both Ryosuke and Yasu on either side of me.
“Itsu-chan, you know that nothing you say can change how much I love you, right?”
My heart fluttered in my chest because I couldn’t tell if Yasu was saying it in a platonic way, because he was my best friend, or if he really meant that he was in love with me. I prayed it was the latter, but it would be fast. Though, was it fast when we’d known each other for so long?
“Come on, princess, you think this changes anything? You’re perfect no matter what.” Ryosuke placed a kiss against the side of my head, and my nerves instantly vanished.
Why I’d been so worried about telling them was a mystery now, but it wasn’t always easy to open up about.
It was one of the things my parents had hated about me.
Not only was I dead set on music, but they wanted the perfect son.
Not one who didn’t know what he was half the time.
But I did know who I was. I was Itsuki. My pretty dresses and guitar made me happy, and I had two men in my life that brought me so much joy.
But now I had something else on my mind. What had Yasu meant? And did Ryosuke feel anything deeper as well?
My thoughts continued to spiral, and it wasn’t where I’d seen the evening going, but it wasn’t completely unwelcome.
It was something that needed to be talked about sooner or later.
I knew how I felt. These guys were it for me, and I was only hesitating to say anything because, well.
.. I was apparently really good at keeping things to myself.
Who was this person? I’d never kept stuff like this to myself before.
Ever since high school, I’d been loud and proud, except for when I thought it would cost me too much.
“Are you really in love with me?” I blurted because I was all in at this point. My eyes met Yasu’s because I needed to know, and there’d be no way he could lie to me if he was looking at me. Right?
Yasu’s eyes widened as if he finally realized what he’d said. He didn’t hesitate, however. A hand landed on my cheek before he leaned in to place a quick kiss on my lips.
“Are you crazy? I’ve always loved you. Haven’t I made that clear by now?”
He had. He’d said as much when he’d said he was too afraid to pursue me because he didn’t want to mess up our friendship.
What little doubt that lived in my brain vanished, and I threw my arms back around him, which was difficult with Ryosuke wrapped around me as well, but I didn’t care. This moment was just too perfect.
Oh. Ryosuke. I needed to ask him as well because he was just as much a part of this. It was okay if his feelings weren’t as strong at this point. We’d only been friends for a couple of months and lovers for even less.
Asking him was a little harder than I thought it would be. And asking Yasu had been hard enough.
I twisted in their hold until I was able to face Ryosuke head-on. I kissed the tip of his nose and gave him an innocent little smile. He rolled his eyes only because he’d figured me out long before now. I was anything but innocent.
“This smells of trouble, little princess. What do you have up your sleeve?” Ryosuke asked, only making me laugh.
“I promise that it’s not anything bad, but now I need to know. Yasu said he loves me, and while I understand we haven’t known each other for very long, I’d like to know how you feel about things.”
Ryosuke was quiet for a moment before he released his hold on me and threaded his fingers through my hair.
The motion was so damn soothing, and I wanted to purr at the contact because having my hair petted was becoming my new favorite thing.
If he kept touching me like that, I could easily forget that I’d asked him anything.
It took a few minutes before he answered me.
“Sweet little princess, I’m not sure how I feel other than for the first time in my life, I want something real.
I’ve been content with hookups and one-night stands, but the two of you?
Nah, that’s not something I’m capable of doing with the two of you.
Even if Yasu didn’t understand me in the beginning, it’s been good getting to know each other a lot better. ”
It wasn’t I love you, but I didn’t expect it at this point.
What he was giving me was more special because it was telling me that we were on the right track.
This could become so much more if we nurtured it correctly.
I wanted to earn his love and feel it the moment he believed in us as something complete.