CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX JESS
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
JESS
It was three nights later when my phone lit up. I grabbed it, not looking at the screen, because let’s be honest—I was hoping it was Trace.
“Hello?” I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, or that’s another lie I was telling myself. I was in bed, but I was hoping for another night of texts.
“Why are you alive? Why didn’t I abort you when I could?”
I heard the slurring, the hissing, and knew I’d messed up.
My body went cold. I didn’t move, not at first.
My heart began pounding, thumping hard in my chest and eardrums.
This was it. The healthy phase had stopped earlier than I’d anticipated.
“When you sober up, give me a call to apologize.”
I ended the call, and I hovered over hitting the block button.
I couldn’t. God, but I wanted to. I really wanted to. It’d be so easy. Life would be easier.
But she was my mother.
Mom calling.
I declined. I sat up, drawing my knees up to my chest, and I just held the phone.
I knew I shouldn’t. This was so dumb of me. Literal self-punishment, but it came alive again. The screen lit up; the phone started shaking.
Mom calling.
I declined again.
And again.
And again.
Then the texts started.
Mom: I wish Isaac was out here with me not you. I HATE YOU.
Mom: If I could’ve killed you, I would’ve. You SHOULDA DIED instead of your father.
Mom: Y not one of my miscarriages.
Mom: Ur fat. Ur stupid. Ur worthless. No man will love you. Ur the reason why I’m alone.
My phone kept going, so I hit her texts, then muted the alerts. If I wasn’t going to block her this way, it was pointless to do anything else. She’d be going until she passed out.
I texted Leo.
Me: You at home?
He didn’t respond, so I was guessing he was asleep. Weekday nights he went to bed after the local news.
I called someone else. Besides Leo, he was another of my mom’s friends who helped take care of her sometimes.
Bear Rivera. He owned the local bar that Leo and so many of our colleagues hung out at, so I knew the two conversed at times over who would check in on my mother.
But while Leo had been friends with my dad, Bear never talked about any good times with him.
I asked one time about their history, and Bear told me he went to high school with both of my parents, but he and my mom had been friends.
He picked up, the sounds of his bar telling me he was still at work. “Jessie girl! How are you?”
“Bear. Hey. Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure. What’s going on?” His voice dipped, going serious.
“My mom’s on a rampage tonight. Mind checking on her after you close up? I know it’s a little out of the way, but—”
“Don’t say another word. You know I’ll check on her. No worries there, little Jessie girl. I’ll give you a text when I get over there.”
Bear was witness to some of the times my mom had lit into me. We never spoke about it, because it was what it was. My options were to care from a distance or let her go. I couldn’t let her go; maybe that was my downfall.
Maybe that was my pattern. Not letting go of people who would only hurt me.
“Thank you, Bear. I mean it.”
“No thanks needed. Been taking care of your mom before anyone else. No problem for me, and you, honey, you get some sleep tonight. I know you gotta kick some ass in the morning. Put your mom’s shit out of your mind.”
We hung up, and I tried to fall asleep.
It was fifty-three minutes later when my phone lit up again.
Bear: All good. She’s passed out. Looks like she just went on a bender, no damage done to herself or the house. You sleep tight now.
I sighed, and I should’ve felt relieved. I didn’t. I just felt hollow.
Thirty minutes later, I flipped over in bed and cursed, reaching for the phone.
Fuck this. Fuck my mother. Fuck everyone.
I was using that as an excuse because I found myself pulling up Trace’s name and hitting call before I let myself think about what I was doing.
Rin—
I stopped it, and then I powered down my phone before I did something seriously stupid.
What was I doing?
I wanted him to text, like he had the last few nights.
I’d thought it was him. I’d been so happy, grabbing the phone, but it hadn’t been. It was her, and now she was in, past my walls, and her loathing was coating my insides.
Goddamn.
Goddamn it all.
I woke to twenty-three texts from my mom, the last ten minutes before Bear might’ve checked on her. I didn’t read the words, just looked at the time stamps. And there was one text from Trace.
Trace: Sorry I didn’t text last night. I saw you called. Are you okay?
That was it from him, but still, going to work, I focused on his one text and tried to forget the twenty-three from my mom.