CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT JESS
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
JESS
Knock, knock.
The knocking was soft and cautious. That was my first indicator of who was on the other side, but I checked to make sure. It was Trace.
I sighed, opening the door and stepping back so he could come inside.
“You waited a whole day. I’m impressed.” I closed the door, hit the locks, and checked my phone.
It was off. It’d been off since I got home, which was after I’d had to inform Leo what had gone on.
He needed a heads-up because I didn’t know what was being said on the streets anymore.
“It’s been put out that the order was wrong.”
“How’d you get that done? Once things are out, they’re out.”
“Ashton did it. He has his ways.”
I shook my head, moving to the kitchen. “The damage was done. My team leader knows. My partner. Organized crime got a heads-up.”
His gaze sharpened as he was watching me in the kitchen. “Organized crime?”
“How do you think I found where your sister was?”
His mouth tightened. “You think that was smart?”
“No, Trace! No, but what do you expect me to do? For you to cover it up? Hide her from me?”
“You think I’d do that? To you?”
“Yes. She’s blood. At the end of the day, you’re always going to pick blood. Even if it’s not good for you, you pick who was there in the beginning.” My voice cut out. Visions of my mom blasted me, the night Bear had told me I could step back, that he’d handle it from there.
I was losing it. “I’ve lost everything. Everything. The only thing I had left is my career. You’re threatening to take that away. You don’t get it—”
“I do get it! What do you think I’m trying to do?
I stayed away from you. I have stayed away, or I’ve tried, but this last time, I was gone.
I was out from you. Ashton was going to take care of the club on the nights you’re there, but we see how that worked out.
” He sounded so frustrated. “I physically ache every goddamn fucking day for you, but you’re right.
I am toxic for you, so I tried to stay away, but not tonight.
I have to be here. I—if there’s any questions where my loyalty lies, you took my sister hostage.
Didn’t matter if she wasn’t aware of it or not, but you did, and I’m here. I’m here, Jess. ”
I was a fucking dichotomy.
Hard. Soft.
Angry. Hurting.
Jaded and wanting to have hope?
It was him. “You’re messing with my mind.”
“I’m not trying to, I swear to god. I’m just as messed up.”
But I was back in the studio, that night when he’d shown up.
How he’d touched me.
Kissed me.
I could feel him against me again. His hands on me. Tasting me. When he lifted me up on the counter, when he filled me.
I was remembering every moment between us, and my body was heating again.
I wanted him, but I couldn’t have him. What the hell do I do, then?
I had to quit. Soon. Yes. Decision made. I’d have to quit working at the club, and I was beyond needing to do that. I’d been ridiculously stupid for not leaving, but then that would be it. No Trace. There’d be no reason after that.
I took him in, seeing his hair was mussed. Bags under his eyes, but he was here, and he was watching me back, and I just wanted him again.
One last night? Could I stop after tonight?
I didn’t have the willpower to walk from him, not yet. But I would. I had to, or I’d be ruined.
I gazed around, trying to remember what I’d been doing before he showed up. “Do you—uh, do you want something to drink?”
He came up behind me. I could feel his body heat. “Hey.” Always so gentle with me. “Look at me.”
I shook my head, pulling away. “I can’t. I do and I’ll lose it.”
“You want me to go?”
I should’ve. “No,” I whispered instead.
There. That was that. I guess I decided.
I didn’t say anything else, going down the hallway to my room.
He followed me and stood in the doorway as I moved around my room.
He watched me change out of my clothes and pull on a sleeping tank and my underwear.
I didn’t sleep in anything else. I moved into the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, he wasn’t in the doorway.
A light went off in my apartment. Another. And another. He was turning all the lights off. I heard him check the door, and then he was coming back. He saw me waiting for him and paused in the doorway, reaching out. The hallway light was turned off, and he came inside, a soft sigh leaving his mouth.
We didn’t speak.
I don’t know why. Maybe because there was nothing to be said.
Or we’d said it all so much, but we were still not doing what we knew we needed to do, and what do you say about that?
Nothing. The body was choosing, and I could not make myself kick him out.
I was aching inside, my chest literally hurting from the thought.
He moved past me, his hand touching my hip, grazing over my back, as he went into the bathroom.
He closed the door, and I stood there, listening to him, liking the sound of him in my bathroom. Liking this feeling of waiting for him, knowing he wasn’t leaving tonight.
I slid into bed, under the covers, when he was coming out.
He stopped, gazing down at me.
I rolled to my back, just watching him in return.
His eyes narrowed before they closed, and he seemed to come to some decision.
He began undressing, putting his clothes on the chair by my bed. When he reached for his boxer briefs, he paused, taking me in again, and then leaving them before he reached to turn off the light on the nightstand. The covers lifted. The bed dipped, and he slid in beside me.
We moved to each other, his arms sliding around me and pulling me to him.
I ran a hand down his arm, his side, to his boxers, and I slid a finger underneath the waistband. “These are staying on?”
He skimmed a hand down my arm and to my waist, returning the favor. “When these come off, mine will follow.”
I lay back, seeing him rise up over me, resting on an arm beside me. Lights off, but I could still see him from the moonlight filtering through my curtains. It gave him a whole shadowed look.
One last night? I considered it, my body heating as I felt him all over again.
I couldn’t stop then.
“Just sleep.” He settled down beside me, one of his arms over my stomach, cupping my hip.
I whispered, “Okay.”
Slowly, muscle after muscle began relaxing. Settling down, and soon my eyelids were heavy too.
He was gone in the morning.
I went to work the next day, expecting the shit to hit the fan. It didn’t.
Leo gave me an intense, appraising look in our morning meeting but didn’t say anything.
Val and I had a day of home visits planned. We needed to finish the ones we hadn’t gotten to yesterday, and even she was quiet, or more than normal. We talked. She did not ask what happened, but I was back at work, and throughout the day, the first few visits followed suit like yesterday.
Our last one was when we were told to shove our sticks up our asses if there was enough room beside our own dicks.
Val started laughing. So did I. I never thought I’d be as relieved to be told to go fuck myself as I was right then.
We were coming back inside our office building when Travis walked by me.
If anything was going to be said, it’d be by him. He still hated me.
Val paused. So did I.
Travis kept going but shot both of us a weird look. “Montell, I never have any hopes for you, but Hartman, what’s with the constipated look? Officer Reyo plugging you up too much at night? Can’t take a shit now?”
She wheeled around. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”
He stopped, frowning. “What?”
I hit her arm, pushing her forward. “Ignore him.”
“Fuck you, Travis.” She twisted around me. “Keep pissing off your coworkers. A great philosophy in our line of work. I’m sure that’ll work out for you.”
“Not that I care much about you, since you’re close to Officer Montell here.”
“What is your problem with me, Travis?”
His eyes slid beyond me but came back, and he smirked. “Nothing. I just don’t like dirty law enforcement.”
I stiffened but then looked behind me. Leo was there, frowning at us. I wanted to do a few things to Travis that would make me dirty, but I couldn’t. Val was fuming, glaring at Travis. She looked ready to go find him, too, so I moved and guided her into the hallway.
I glanced back, saw he was regarding us with narrowed eyes. “You’re a piece of shit, Travis. I hope you keep insulting everyone. You really will fuck yourself at the end of the day then. Have fun while you’re doing it.”
I kept moving Val ahead of me. If I didn’t, I was going to go myself and do something I’d regret.
“What?” Val slapped my hand away.
“He doesn’t know.”
“What are you talking about? He just said—”
“He was confused when you reacted. He wasn’t expecting that. He was joking or trying to throw out something and see if it would stick.”
She realized what I was saying and tipped her head back, a low growl rumbling out from her throat. “Jesus. And look at me, I basically confirmed if he had suspicions.” Her face tightened. “He’s usually riding your ass—now it’s my turn?”
I pressed my lips together tight. “Trust me, if you got it today, that means he’s saving something up for me.”
“I didn’t ask today, since, you know, you showed up, but are you okay?”
I moved my head up and down, once. “I’m fine. I’m hoping it’ll blow over.”
I was really, really hoping for that to happen, but my gut knew. It wouldn’t.
He showed up that night, a soft knock like the last time.
I let him in.
I couldn’t not anymore.
Thursday night.
We had a hard day at work, and Trace came over.
I couldn’t talk about my day. I didn’t want him to talk about his, but he held me again.
He was gone in the morning, and I wasn’t going to think anymore.
I went to my shift at Katya, and I could feel him there.
He was watching me. I didn’t know where he was, but I knew he was there.
I went home after my shift, and ten minutes later ...
Knock, knock.
I let him in.
He was gone once again when I woke up, but today was Saturday. I had nothing to do today.
I didn’t know how to handle a day of nothing.