Chapter 10 - Kalla
Kalla
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I watched the last glow of daylight fade into darkness the next night and knew I needed to start thinking about returning to the nest. I’d been gone for five days, which was close to the longest I’d ever been away.
If I pushed it much further, Cliff would come out here to track me down, and I had no idea what I’d say to him if he found Jael.
Yet no matter how loudly the voice of practicality yelled at me, I didn’t make plans to return. My conversation with Jael the night before had left me feeling heavy and confused.
I’d failed my fury. All of Thorn’s reasons for not trusting me with more responsibility, all those reasons I’d scoffed at, were true. I was impulsive. I’d put my wishes above those of my community, despite the one rule that mattered.
How was I supposed to go home and face everyone? How could I keep Jael a secret knowing what would happen if he told anyone we were out here? On the other hand, how could I confess to my idiocy and risk them hunting him down?
My emotions had gotten the better of me. There. I admitted it.
Last night, I’d left Jael outside the cave with the intention of walking off my arousal, but when I’d returned, the first thing I’d done was tease him, setting off another wave of desire in myself and, if the darkening of his eyes and the adjustment of his breeches were anything to go by, an answering yearning in him.
After he’d gone to sleep, I’d stayed awake, fighting with myself to end what I’d started. Drive my blade through his heart. Make it quick so I didn’t need to see the look in his eyes or hear his cry of distress. I went so far as to take hold of my dagger and squeeze the hilt in my palm.
He was right there. His chest rising and falling, his features showing none of the tension or hardness that clung to him when he was awake.
He was so beautiful. So cold for all his physical warmth, but I didn’t let that coldness fool me.
The longing in his gaze when he’d talked about his music told me all I needed to know about what existed beneath his severe exterior.
As did those sudden, surprising laughs, too spontaneous to be a lie.
How much passion existed under the surface of his mask?
I didn’t know, and I wanted to find out. Even if it damned me.
So in the end, I’d tossed my dagger onto the table next to the bubbling stew—a third attempt at a palatable meal—and sagged into my chair with my head in my hands.
Earlier that night, before the dampness had sunk too deeply into Jael’s healing wound, we’d retreated inside and shared a bottle of wine I’d tucked away in the small pantry.
We’d traded stories, him talking about his life before joining the rebels—before joining the king’s court, I noticed and hadn’t pushed—and I’d made him smile a few times telling him about the chaos so many vampires living together could create.
We’d talked about the dragons who called the mountains home, how they kept most humans away from our territory and how their heat melted the snow on the peaks, which drained through the mountain to fill our hot springs.
I’d shared far more than I should have, but even then, I’d held back the smaller details of our nest. It had felt like a cool wind after a summer storm to share my experiences while I learned about someone else’s, but I had enough intelligence not to make our location easy to find.
Because once I left him here, I could never see him again.
That much I knew for certain. Once he walked away, he would be as good as dead.
But he would walk away. I accepted it with the kind of rattling resignation I’d seen in aged vampires who realized their time was almost over.
By letting him live, I would be breaking my promise to Thorn and to my community, but after so many days in Jael’s company, there was no way I could kill him.
Not when he’d given me the gift of stories I never would have heard and insight into a world beyond what I would ever see.
So I would let him go, and he would be my secret. No one else needed to know he existed.
I’d learned a lot over the past few days, though. Mostly that Thorn had been right that I’d needed to reassess my priorities and figure out what I wanted. Unfortunately, what I wanted was something I couldn’t have.
Finding Jael had seemed like a message from the universe that it was time to step out of my “normal” to try something new.
Spending time with him had opened my eyes to what having more in my life might have looked like, and now that our time together was almost over…
all I could see was the emptiness waiting for me after he was gone.