Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“Explain?” Rose smiled awkwardly. “There is nothing… I was just…” She then laughed, which was even more awkward than her smile. “I bought you roses. See…” She indicated to the bench where a pot of roses sat.
“You were never meant to see that,” Christopher said calmly.
“I didn’t see anything.”
“I never meant for you to find out.”
“Find out…” More awkward laughter. “I don’t know what… do you like the roses?”
Christopher was caught in two worlds, and he had no idea which one he preferred.
The first was to play along with Rose’s attempted deflection. She had either learned his secret or was starting to piece it together, but knew that this was one secret she would be better off not knowing. Thus, she was happy to pretend that she did not understand, giving Christopher a way out.
The other world, that which was crashing around him, was the truth. A truth that he had hidden for years. A truth that would ruin him, if it were ever learned by the wrong people. A truth that, he now realized, might just break his marriage.
“You should not have come back here.” Christopher crossed the room to where the drawing had fallen to the ground. He bent down and picked it up before standing back on his feet. “You should have known better.”
“I… I wanted to do something nice for you.”
“And I appreciate it.” Next, Christopher walked to where Rose was standing, and he gently took his journal from her. Still without looking at her directly, he tucked the drawing back inside the journal and closed it. “But that does not change what you have done.”
“Done? I…” She swallowed. “I bought you roses, Christopher. That is all. I wanted to do something nice for you.”
“It is more than that.”
“I did not see anything,” she added, desperation now coloring her tone. “I don’t know anything.”
“That is clearly a lie.”
“I –”
“Enough!” Christopher exclaimed. Rose started at the exclamation, and even Christopher was caught by surprise.
He did not mean to shout, but he was struggling to contain himself… which itself was a problem, because if there was one thing that Christopher was an expert in, it was controlling his emotions.
He took a deep breath to calm his breathing, but could still not bring himself to look at Rose.
He feared what would happen if he did. Not only would he likely break, because he had no doubt that she was terrified and confused, and all he would want to do was go to her and assure her that there was nothing to fear.
But he worried that if he met her eyes, she would see the truth staring her in the face. And once she saw that truth, no lie told would make a difference.
I can still save this… I can still make her believe that what she saw is not what she thinks. But to do that…
A cold shudder ran through Christopher’s body when he realized what he had to do. The only thing that he could do…
It was not what he wanted to do, but what he had to do. He just prayed that in time, Rose would forgive him, because he certainly would not forgive himself.
“I am afraid that this isn’t going to work.” Christopher looked ahead as he spoke, forcing himself not to meet Rose’s eyeline.
“I… I don’t understand.”
He sighed loudly. “Rose, this entire marriage is based on a mutual trust. A trust that you have just broken.”
“No!” Rose cried out. “Christopher, please!” She went to him, grabbing at his arm to try and force him to look at her.
He snatched his arm back. “You did not want to marry me in the first place. I certainly did not want to marry you…” He saw her wince out of the corner of his eyes, but he kept his stare ahead so as not to look at her. “And for a time, it worked. It worked because we trusted one another.”
“It’s about more than that,” she tried desperately. “You know that it is.”
“No…” He shook his head. “That is all it is about. You needed something from me, I needed something from you, and that is where it ended.”
“Christopher… what are you… What are you saying?”
“You have not made it easy on me,” he continued, keeping his voice level and steady. “From day one, you have done everything in your power to try to negate that trust. You have purposefully tried to upset me, precisely because you wanted me to end things.”
“No…” She sniffed back tears, and he could see her body trembling. “That… things have changed since then. You know that they have.”
“I thought they had,” he said. “Now, I know that nothing will change.”
“Christopher…”
“I have much to think about.” He straightened and turned from her. “But it feels to me that this right now is a perfect time to do what we always knew we would, one way or the other. Honestly, I am surprised it lasted as long as it did. For that, we should be proud.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that this marriage has reached its natural end.”
Rose gasped and stumbled back.
“I will leave for a few days…” More like I will run…
“During which time, I will consider the next action to take. But my feeling is…” A pain started to grow in his throat, and he swallowed it back.
“My feeling is that this marriage will be over for the two of us. That an annulment will be needed, which I expect the two of us to sign without –”
“Wait!” Rose rushed to him and took his arm. She tried to pull him into her, body shaking and tears streaming down her face. “Christopher, you do not need to do this.”
“I do.”
“I did not see anything!” she tried desperately. “I… I don’t even know what… I don’t even know what is happening. Please!”
“You know what is happening.” Still, he could not bring himself to look at her. “And quite frankly, Rose, I would have thought you’d be happy.”
Christopher looked ahead, his stare landing on the roses that Rose bought for him. He kept his eyes trained on them, forcing himself to look at those roses and nothing else. He could not afford to look at his wife because to see her… he knew that if he did, he would break.
Thankfully, his coolness and detachment were enough to convince Rose that trying to argue or beg would make no difference.
She burst into tears and stumbled from the room; as she went, he could hear her sobbing echoing through the house, and it made his chest tighten, his knees wobble, and his stomach churn with guilt.
Was that the right thing to do? Did I take it too far? Maybe I should go to her, tell her the truth, and let her decide what to do…
Christopher very nearly considered doing just that until he noticed the journal that was still clutched between his fingers.
His hand was shaking as he opened the journal, and tears began to well in his eyes as he pulled out the single piece of parchment that Rose had found, unfurling it and looking upon the drawing for the first time in years.
Despite what had just happened, a smile reached his lips.
He could still remember the day of that drawing.
He and his father visited his aunt, as they so often did.
There, Christopher was quick to hurry into the orangery, his favorite place in his aunt’s home, where she asked if she might draw him and her maid…
her name was Elizabeth. She was helping Christopher with some digging, and his aunt sat in the corner drawing the two of them.
Christopher had always liked Elizabeth. What was more, his aunt and his father liked her too. She wasn’t like the other maids, and she was always treated as an equal and with respect in ways that Christopher had never understood until he was told the reason why.
Of course, it wasn’t until Elizabeth passed away when he was just six that his father told him why he always treated Elizabeth with such respect.
When Christopher found out the reason, his life changed forever.
He looked at the drawing, still smiling, letting the tears drip down his cheek and stain the parchment.
His eyes searched his own face, then that of Elizabeth, noting the similarities between them both; features that were shared in ways that as a child he did not understand but as an adult were unmissable.
Elizabeth was more than just a maid. And she was more than his aunt’s favorite. She was his father’s lover and Christopher’s true mother.
Lord Christopher Kingswell, the Duke of Thornwall, was not a member of the peerage; he was not a class above most, and he certainly was not a lord. He was the son of a baseborn maid, and his entire life was a lie.
That was why he was always so careful. That was why he refused to have attention drawn to himself. And that was why he did not want Rose or anyone to find out the truth. If they did, his life would be torn asunder, and his world would end in ways that there was no coming back from.
Christopher was never meant to marry. He was never meant to fall in love. And he was certainly never meant to be happy. He was a liar, and to keep this lie safe, he had to maintain perfect control of his life in ways that did not allow for outliers like Rose.
I wish it were different. I wish I could tell her the truth. But the truth would ruin not just my life, but her life too. For her own safety… she cannot know even if she hates me for it.
From the way that she ran from this room, crying all the while, Christopher did not doubt that she hated him more than words. Worse than that, it was nothing short of what he deserved.