Chapter 24
Rolling her shoulders, Isla scrunched her nose up at the tightness in her back. She hadn’t slept well.
She tried to take another bite and then gave up. The eggs didn’t taste right, and she didn’t like how crumbly the bread felt in her hands. Nothing felt right this morning.
How terribly she was out of sorts. After the difficult interaction with Ronan last night, Isla had a hard time sleeping.
What a dreadful start to the day.
“Finished already?” Hobbes asked when she left the dining room. His brow furrowed in concern. “Are you well, Your Grace?”
She managed a smile. Or thought she did until the butler’s expression deepened. “Well enough, thank you, Hobbes. I’m afraid I don’t have much of an appetite just yet.”
“Is there anything we can get you?”
Shaking her head, she passed him through the hall. “Thank you, but no. I’m sure I’ll be hungry at tea time.”
Away Isla went without any particular direction as the hour was still rather early.
The sun was rising and the kitchens had been able to make her simple meal easily.
Too easily, and such a waste. Isla shoved down the guilt of wasted food as she wandered down the hall and studied the art along the way.
There were no paintings of people. She had noticed that previously, seeing how the halls maintained plenty of furniture, but there was little work of actual people beyond landscapes and fruit. It had taken her some time to realize it was because of how new Ronan’s family was to their title.
The second duke. He knew a life before the dukedom and found it in his hands much sooner than I would think he expected. What a dreadful responsibility to fall in his lap, especially after losing a parent. And they’re both gone. As is his sister. All he has is Oliver.
How clear it was to her that Ronan needed a family. He needed people there to support him, to build a life with him.
Whatever he was doing here was hardly a real life.
And yet…
“Foolish man,” Isla muttered under her breath.
What could she do, truly, when the man refused to be anything but impossible? It was almost as though he wanted to be miserable. She couldn’t understand him. If he would only talk to her…
Isla shook off the wish that would never happen. Wishes and hopes wouldn’t do her any good. No, she needed to be sensible. Wasn’t that why Ronan married her?
Maybe it was best she didn’t even think of him if she could help it. She had no interest in pining her life away. Whatever warmth she felt for him would fade in time.
Meanwhile, she didn’t want to let him control everything in her life. So up the stairs she climbed to make her way back to the nursery.
“Good morning,” Anne whispered when she gave a quiet knock. Peeking through the door, the nursemaid shared a hesitant smile. “He’s fast asleep, poor lad. His Grace said he should be permitted to rest longer this morning. Should I wake him for you?”
The thought hadn’t occurred to her. Isla flushed. Yes, if Oliver had been up late like she found him in the hall, he would need his rest. She wished she had thought of that.
“No, there is no need,” she amended hastily. “Thank you, Anne, but I’ll come back later.”
“Yes, Your Grace,” the elderly woman whispered before gently closing the door while Isla turned away.
Now what was she to do? Restless and lonely, Isla roamed the house for a good hour.
There was a buzzing sort of energy in her body that she couldn’t do anything with.
Oliver was getting his sleep, Ronan would be useless or rude, and the household was in a tizzy over the cook’s grandchild visiting alongside a broken laundry basket.
No one had time for her. Or they would, if she asked them, Isla knew.
They all liked her well enough even with the occasional slip of her Scottish accent and her poor jests.
But they all smiled and eagerly greeted her whenever they passed in the halls.
Hobbes said as well they loved having her as lady of the house.
So how can I possibly be lonely in such a large home surrounded by so many people?
Isla couldn’t bear it any longer. She needed to get out of the house. Hurrying up to her bed chamber, she pulled out her riding habit.
“Your Grace? Can I assist you?” Her lady’s maid, Doreen, appeared with a dress she had been restitching.
“Oh, I suppose so.” Isla couldn’t reach one of the buttons on the back and was tired of her arm. She sighed, letting it hang. “I cannot seem to do anything on my own.”
The maid set her things aside to come help her.
“That isn’t true, Your Grace. It’s merely this dress.
While it may be the height of fashion, it’s also very inconvenient should you wish to dress yourself.
But that’s why you have me, isn’t it? I’m always happy to help.
I’m only glad I was passing through. Why didn’t you ring the bell? ”
Knowing the girl couldn’t see her, Isla wrinkled her nose.
It wasn’t because she didn’t like having a maid. And it wasn’t because she didn’t like Doreen. Rather, Isla was simply used to taking care of herself. Or her sisters could help her.
Except she didn’t have her sisters here any longer.
Isla swallowed a lump in her throat. How she missed Margaret and Lacey; she would do anything to see them again.
Never before had she been away from them so long.
All the promises she made to Lacey about visiting now felt like lies.
They were shallow. So what if she visited someday? It wouldn’t be soon enough.
“I thought I could do it myself,” Isla said at last with a sigh. “But you’re right. Fashion isn’t about dressing myself, besides, but looking my best. Even though I suppose I don’t have anyone to look my best for if I’m riding out here in the countryside.”
The buttons were done and now her maid helped with the layered skirts that often folded in on themselves. “Oh, I don’t know about that. His Grace is surely about. Does he ride as well? I hear tell he has a spirited mount.”
He does, only I’m not permitted to ride him, and Ronan most definitely avoids the stables now in the morning since I’m often there.
“I’m sure he does,” Isla murmured.
“Are you feeling well?” Doreen paused to ask with worry.
I don’t have a stuffy nose. Why does everyone keep saying that? I don’t think I look any different. I’m not pale or warm… Oh bother, this is not going to be a good day, is it? At least a ride should be enjoyable.
“Very well, thank you.” Because it wasn’t like Isla could tell her maid everything.
Already Isla didn’t feel right for heatedly complaining to Hobbes the other day about the duke. Her mother had raised her to be polite and quiet around the staff, to not let them know her innermost thoughts. Once they were out, they were never private again. They wouldn’t be hers.
And servants were generally known to gossip. If she told someone something, she would surely have the entire household knowing everything before the end of the day.
Although… If they could know about me, they might know about others.
“Doreen.” Isla looked over to her maid who was bringing out her stockings. “Were you hired on for me from London, or were you already with the duke?”
“London, Your Grace. I had the care of my great aunt, but she passed the week before I heard the call for a lady’s maid. She was a baroness, so I had the necessary training,” Doreen added hastily.
Isla still frowned. “I’m awfully sorry. I didn’t think to… I’m sorry for your loss, Doreen.”
The young woman offered a smile. “It’s all right, but thank you. She was very sickly and glad to be on her way. She would be happy for me, as the last of my family.”
Alone. Isla’s hand started to creep up to her throat as she considered what it would be like left alone in the world.
She felt the collar of her habit grow tight.
What world was there without her family?
Even if they were away in London, she knew they were there.
That she could reach them if she desired, be with them again in this world.
What am I saying? I have more people. I have a family here! The duke is now my family. So is Oliver. How could I forget them? My mind really does have me out of sorts today. There’s no reason for me to feel this way at all. I have so many people in my life now, so how can I possibly feel alone?
“Your Grace?”
Gathering her thoughts, Isla gave a shake of her head at the woman’s concerned expression. “I… Thank you, Doreen. For your good works and your attention here. I’m off to ride now for a few hours, so please enjoy yourself until luncheon as you see fit.”
“Thank you, Your Grace. Do be careful. I smell the rain in the air.”
She gave an absent nod before giving her stockings a quick tug on the leg and made her way out the door. Not a servant appeared on her way through the house. It felt so quiet in this early hour. Although she supposed it wasn’t unnatural, Isla had the feeling it would simply be an odd sort of day.
A ride will offer some improvement to be sure.
There was rain in the air just like Doreen had said, but the skies were still blue enough that Isla had no reason to worry. She wouldn’t be gone for more than an hour. Inhaling deeply before reaching the stables, Isla could tell that everything was looking up.
“Good morning, Your Grace.” She received an immediate welcome from the stable master’s grandson, Liam, who was around her age and awfully charming to be hidden away in the country. His brown eyes sparkled as he offered a short bow. “What a delight to have you here again.”
Chuckling, she raised an eyebrow. “You tease me as though I don’t live here now, Liam. Can you saddle her for me, please?”
Pearl was a darling gray spotted horse whom she had met on her second day at the estate.
She had too much spirit to become a carriage horse, but the duke had never gotten around to breaking her, selling her, or finding another use for her.
Isla wasn’t the best rider by any means, but she liked to think their rides together helped both of them manage themselves better around others.
The exercise was refreshing, and they both adored the fresh air.
“Anything for you.” Liam’s eyes trailed over her a second longer than appropriate before he turned away.
While she usually stayed close on their stroll down to the right stall, Isla hesitated.
The young man was always quick-witted and kind.
She normally enjoyed his help as he conversed with her, treated the horses like royalty, and acted well as a groom and guide across the properties.
Sometimes she liked to pretend they were friends.
But what does he think? He’s not bothering to look back. Maybe I imagined it. Am I terribly conceited? No, he is merely being friendly. I’m sure of it.
There was that odd clench of her stomach again, but Isla brushed it away. She gave herself an encouraging nod and then trailed down to the correct stall.
“There you are. I almost thought I lost you,” Liam noted, glancing back with that trademark grin. “Where do you expect to traverse today? The pond, perhaps, or the trail to town?”
“I haven’t thought that far,” she admitted. “I’m not feeling any particular difficult paths today. Only a nice distraction. What would you recommend?”
“Ah, then the trees. You can get lost in them and it’s the most brilliant thing.” He finished saddling Pearl and grabbed the reins while he talked. “It is a perfect place to enjoy the shade from the weather. And a perfect place to hide should you have the desire to.”
Isla tilted her head. “Hide? What would I hide from?”
Coming through the stall with Pearl in hand, Liam slowed to a stop in front of her. “I don’t know, Your Grace. You tell me. Where would you like to hide?”
Perhaps I wasn’t imagining after all.
Isla reached forward––and noted painfully he was doing the same––and snatched the reins from his hand. His eyes opened wide. “I have nothing to hide from or to worry about,” Isla said snappishly. “Thank you very much.”
“Oh. Er… hold up, Your Grace.” He was slow reacting as she started to take her leave. “I still need to saddle up!”
“I don’t think so!” She called over her shoulder. Picking up speed so she was nearly jogging, she added, “I have no need of a groom, nor anything else from you. Good day!”
He called something after her, but she didn’t stay put. There was already a neatly placed rock just outside of the stables that women had been using for years to climb into the saddle. All she needed was a minute to pull herself up, wiggle into the sidesaddle, and then nudge Pearl into motion.
The horse’s ears flicked in curiosity. Isla noted the skip in her step, an apparent eagerness that had her chomping at the bit. Tightness in Isla’s shoulders faded as she chuckled.
“I feel the same way,” she admitted while steering Pearl down the path. “Shall we have some fun now? Together?”
Pearl nodded like she understood the question. Isla shoved back the incident with Liam and the queasiness in her stomach––all matters she could attend to later––so she could nudge the horse once more.
“Hiya!”
And off they went, lungs full of hope to enjoy a ride without anyone else to bother them.