Chapter 33
Noah
Honor came in earlier with Jackson and Serena and Rollo, and I’m still reeling.
She was thoughtful enough to text me and warn me in advance, under the diplomatic auspices of checking that it wouldn’t be too disruptive to the other Good Vibes guests if the four of them came in.
I briefed the staff, knowing for sure that having Jackson James in the house would send everyone into a tailspin of hysteria.
I’ve had a few conversations with Honor about how to approach the subject of their grandmother’s death with her children. They haven’t been in to visit since I admitted Stephanie, and Honor’s been feeling guilty on her mum’s behalf while understandably wanting to protect her children.
‘The death of a loved one can be hard for children to process,’ I told her a couple of days ago, when I saw her here briefly.
‘They don’t just have to come to terms with their Granny dying, but knowing someone they love has passed can be extremely destabilising, because it brings home the fact that anyone close to them could die, and that’s an enormous burden for them to assume.
‘You shouldn’t feel bad if you or they decide that visiting Granny at this point is not in their best interests. Maybe they want to say their farewells by painting a picture for her, or making her a card. Those are perfectly fine alternatives.’
‘But Mum keeps asking for them.’ Honor twisted her mouth in distress.
‘I can’t deny her that. I shouldn’t have kept them away this long.
And even though she should have lived for another twenty years, in their eyes she’s ancient.
So I can’t help but feel now could be a good chance to have them experience death in a way that we can manage together, as a family.
Especially because this place isn’t scary, not like going to a hospital would be.
And I’m worried we’ll leave it too late, and she’ll miss her chance to see them. ’
I agreed. So I suggested Honor take some photos of Stephanie and of her room, and possibly even a little video, if Stephanie was up to it. It would be a good way to prepare the children for how much their grandmother had changed.
And this afternoon they showed up. I’ve seen her a couple of times over the past week.
She’s looked unbelievably glamorous and stunning, even by her standards, but that’s because it’s Fashion Week and I’ve got used to seeing her and her husband splashed across the front page of the Evening Standard most evenings on my walk home.
But I wasn’t prepared for the visceral shock of seeing her with her family. Serena and Rollo were in school uniform, Jackson was in a navy suit that melded itself to his body so obnoxiously well that it should be illegal, and Honor—well, Honor was breathtaking.
She was in a long, slinky dress that flowed behind her when she walked in, in a glossy green with gold shimmers that made her huge tiger eyes pop.
And when she stepped forward to kiss me on the cheek, I could see the golds and greens of her eye makeup bringing out the same colours in her eyes.
Those eyes were full of emotion as she put her cheek to mine, and I let my eyes drift closed for a nanosecond as I inhaled the scent of her, before letting her go and flashing them all my best professional smile.
‘Mate!’ Jackson stepped forward and shook my hand vigorously, slapping me on the back with his other hand. ‘Good to see you.’ He lowered his voice. ‘I’m so sorry for all that press bullshit. Not what you needed at all, man. Thanks for bearing with us.’
‘It’s no problem at all.’ It was surprisingly hard to keep my voice, and my smile, steady. ‘I’m just glad you’ve got everything resolved with the papers.’
Jackson jerked his head towards Honor, who was watching us nervously. ‘My wife, the media mogul. She sorted it all. She’s amazing.’
I hoped my face didn’t give away my entire emotional state as I agreed. ‘She is.’ I turned to Honor. ‘Elena’s upstairs. She’ll pop in and brief you.’ Elena was in fact sporting a bouncy blow-dry and more makeup than I’d ever seen on her in anticipation of Jackson James’ visit.
And then they were off upstairs, as nurses with hearts in their eyes peeked out of every door.
I watched them go. The love of my life. Her movie-star husband.
Her beautiful children. The four of them operated in a different space from me.
It was as though they breathed different air.
I was one of those stupid mortals who’d dallied with the gods, and now I was suffering the eternal damnation.
The days pass in a blur of relentless activity, driven by desperation.
I’m a live wire, working and working out and doing whatever I can to run myself into the ground.
I’m exhausted, but it’s not enough. It’s as though there’s an itch under my skin, and my blood is bubbling, and my limbs are restless in wake and sleep.
I’m abusing my adrenal system so shamefully that it reminds me of my days as a junior doctor, but I can’t find peace.
I’m miserable when I cross paths with Honor at Good Vibes, and I’m just as miserable when she comes in and doesn’t seek me out. Meanwhile, Stephanie is on the final stretch of her journey and Elena, I and our team focus on monitoring the signs of her decline and rigorously prioritising her comfort.
Her nervous system and cognitive function are still holding up well, and I’m grateful for that on her daughters’ behalf, but her cardiovascular system is faltering, leaving her extremities cold and mottled.
She’s so skeletal now that the nursing staff are placing pillows between her knees when they position her on her side, and appetite is declining steadily.
But she still has the energy to twinkle at me when I poke my head around the door.
Earlier today, I checked in on her, taking a pew by her bed for a quick chat.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the large, silver-framed photo by her bed—Stephanie and Honor and Ally.
It was a professional photo, the three of them back-lit by the sun, their faces crinkled with genuine laughter. It took my breath away.
Stephanie caught me looking. ‘She’s magnificent, isn’t she?’
There was definitely nothing wrong with her cognitive function yet. I answered with a sheepish grin and a quick nod of my head.
‘I’ll be off, then. I’ll see you later, Stephanie.’
As I rose, she raised a hand with great effort to stop me. ‘You’re a wonderful man, Noah. I wish you could be the one to look after my eldest daughter when I’m gone.’
I turned away quickly so she wouldn’t see the moisture in my eyes.
Ally was here this afternoon, and Honor’s been here all evening. I take a deep breath and mount the stairs and do what I’ve been sitting on my hands to prevent all evening: I go to see her.
It’s almost ten. I lean against Stephanie’s door frame. She looks to be sound asleep, and Honor’s sitting by her bed, her laptop open on her lap. She’s the most dressed-down I’ve ever seen her, in yoga pants and a loose sweater, and she passes a hand tiredly over her face.
‘Hey.’
She looks over her shoulder and I’m gratified by the extent to which her face brightens.
‘Have you eaten?’ I hold up a large Ottolenghi carrier bag, and her mouth opens into an O as round and red as the iconic O on the packaging.
She snaps her laptop shut and comes over to me. ‘You little beauty. Seriously?’
‘Seriously. I got tonnes. Thought you might be hungry. Will you come and eat with me downstairs?’