Chapter 4
Yesterday had not gone well at all. Dmitrii was well aware of how broken he was and how deep his fear lurked.
It wouldn’t surprise him if the coaches had decided he wasn’t worth their time, that he was just too broken.
It wouldn’t be the first time. He had been declared a lost cause so often in the past months, but he’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. He was running out of options.
He had so little time to get his fears under control if he was going to get back into competition shape by the start of the season.
Who was he kidding? Competition was out of the question.
He just wanted to skate again. No, he wanted to compete.
He so desperately wanted to step onto the podium to accept a medal and just know how proud his grandmother would have been.
When Dr. Aubrey was ready for him, he walked in and took his normal spot on the couch. He didn’t reach for anything or take steps to get comfortable. After yesterday, there was just too much of a chance it would all end in the next few minutes.
Today she wasn’t holding a pen. Instead, her hands were neatly folded, her dark skin a stark contrast with the pale cream of her suit. “It’s nice to see you, Dmitrii. How are you feeling today?”
Dmitrii tensed at the question. He didn’t know how he should answer that.
If he lied and said he was great, no one would believe that.
If he said something too negative, that could be taken as a sign that he didn’t want to actually get better.
He settled on, “Tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night.” The statement was both true and showed he knew how poorly yesterday went without being overly negative, or at least he hoped that was what she would think. He knew it glossed over his nightmares.
“I talked to Lisa last night.” She seemed to be waiting for his reaction.
His attention shifted completely to her. She had called his coach ‘Lisa’ instead of anything more formal. Dr. Aubrey always seemed to be very professional, and that just seemed ‘off’. Not saying anything, he just waited for what was to come next.
“We feel that we need a way to measure your progress from today until you feel we have done all we can.” Her words were soft, but clearly showed that she very much understood the severity of his fear of skating.
‘Until they had done all they could’ the phrase ran through his head, and even if English wasn’t his first language, he was very fluent and understood the implication.
He felt certain that she was saying she didn’t feel she could cure him.
Still staying mute, he nodded. A way to measure made sense.
He liked things that could be measured and scored.
Until now, his improvements had all been measured by nebulous comparisons of how he felt from day to day.
Not that there had been many improvements, but there had been some.
“We are going to score your program and have you do your new …” She checked her notes for a second, “Free skate at least once a week so we can get a numerical score and see how that number changes and what areas progress and which do not.”
Dmitrii made no effort to hide his shock. “My free skate? You were there yesterday. I was a complete disaster. I barely managed two elements, let alone an entire program!”
Dr. Aubrey responded to his outburst with calm.
“I saw you do two jumps that you didn’t think you could do.
That was not a ‘complete disaster’, as you are calling it.
” She shifted in her seat, looking at him as she leaned forward.
“Dmitrii, you’re healing. You are trying to get better, and I’m here to help you with that.
That you were willing to travel all the way here to see me shows how much you want to return to skating. ”
“I didn’t have any other options.” He didn’t think that his being here spoke of some great healing or above-average desire to get better. Honestly, when he had been waiting to board his flight, he had considered just giving up and not taking that plane to America.
“But you had other options. You didn’t have any other options you could see that would let you continue to skate, but you had other options.
You could have gone to school or found a different job.
I am sure you could have branched out into dance.
You had a lot of choices, but you chose to skate.
” She stood up and walked over to the window.
They were close enough to the ice rink that it could almost be seen in the distance.
“You haven’t given up, and that means I have not given up either.
I’ve worked with Coach Truskel before. I have faith she won’t give up either. We see you trying.”
“Trying doesn’t win competitions.”
“Not being willing to try your program doesn’t win competitions either.
” She turned to look at him, her back to the window with the sun haloing through the tight curls of her black hair.
“No one expects you to perform flawlessly. We do not want you to necessarily even try any jumps. We just need to gauge your progress, and this is the best way.”
Dmitrii looked down at his hands and realized that he had picked up a stress ball from the table at some point and was now in danger of squeezing it so hard it would pop.
He took a deep breath, holding it as he willed the muscles of his hands to relax.
As he exhaled, he nodded. “If you think it’s for the best. When do you want me to skate? ”
“They’re finished at the rink at about four thirty normally, so five o’clock? I’ll meet you there so I can watch you skate, but there won’t be anyone else on the ice, so you don’t have to worry about what anyone will be thinking.”
He actually managed to smile at that. “Honestly, I’m lucky. Basically, no one seemed to have recognized me yesterday.”
“You do look different from how you used to.”
It wasn’t a question, but with how she phrased it and her intonation, Dmitrii knew it was an open invitation to talk about the changes he had made to his appearance. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my hair today.”
“Maybe you’ll be more ready on Friday.” She smiled with the same softness in her expression as always.
“Maybe.” He stood up. Their time was over even though it felt like he had just gotten there in some ways. In others, it was as if he had been there for hours. “I’ll see you this evening?”
“I will be there.” Her lips even shifted into more of a smile at that.
He walked out of the office, unsure of what to do next.
He had some time before he had to be at the rink, but his mind was still racing.
The worry about Dr. Aubrey seeing him skate his program hung like a weight.
He needed to do something to get his focus back.
If he went back to the hotel, he’d just get more worked up and probably skate even worse once the time came.
He had enough time to go for a run before heading back to the hotel to get his skates, and that seemed like a much better option.
At least he’d been keeping in shape. Running helped.
He could lose himself in the repetitive cadence of his feet as he followed a walking path around a lake.
Fresh air and nothing that reminded him of the ice rink was what it took sometimes to get his mind to clear.
He didn’t want to think about tonight. He knew it would go badly.
What he could do was run until his mind was forced to focus only on getting enough oxygen and his next stride.
At a certain point, running became an almost out-of-body experience.
If his every thought focused on his next stride and his next breath, there was no room for anxiety. It was the break he needed.