Chapter Ten
Beth kept a close eye on Olivia as her daughter bounced around the deck, visiting with passengers here and there. Because she was naturally open and friendly, people responded with smiles and short conversations.
Even though they hadn’t talked much, she noticed a marked difference in Logan after he answered a text. She couldn’t see what was said and mentally chastised herself for sneaking a peek. It seemed like it had something to do with the sale of his motorcycle.
Looking up from his phone, Logan centered his focus on Olivia, briefly smiled, and said, “She’s really something, isn’t she?”
Her daughter was the very light that brightened Beth’s world. “She is,” Beth agreed, “and like you in so many ways.”
“Me?” Logan challenged with a short, disbelieving laugh.
“You don’t see it?” Beth had a hard time not recognizing Logan’s qualities in their child. “She’s intelligent . . .”
Her husband snickered. “You seem to forget I didn’t have the smarts to graduate from college.”
“You took the courses that most interested you, though.”
“They were tough. I knew next to nothing about marketing and management . . . I don’t know if I’d have stuck it out if not for you.”
Beth denied that with a sharp shake of her head.
“I don’t believe that for a minute. Your mind was set to make the best of each class long before we met.
Most likely you were bored in high school, which is why you received such poor grades.
” She didn’t know that for a fact, although it made sense.
Logan was a whiz with numbers and excelled in all his math classes.
His hope was one day to start his own construction company.
Life, however, had gotten in the way. That dream must feel impossible in their current situation.
“I always found it difficult to sit still,” he elaborated. “Most of the subjects we studied didn’t interest me in the least. All I ever wanted was . . .”
“Was what?” she pressed when he paused mid-sentence.
A long moment passed before he continued. “To make a good living and support a family,” he said, lowering his head and his voice until it was little more than a whisper.
Logan had his dreams, ones he rarely spoke of any longer, which broke her heart. His dreams seemed to have wilted and died inside of him.
“Working construction is nothing to be ashamed of,” Beth said, upset that he would downplay his skills.
“When there’s work, you mean.”
“We’re getting off the subject,” Beth said, disliking the path their conversation was heading in. “We were talking about Olivia, remember.”
“Right.”
“You’re good with your hands and so is she.
Olivia loves puzzles. I had one of those complicated five-hundred-piece ones out on the dining room table.
It was a Christmas scene of the manger with Joseph, Mary, baby Jesus, and all the barn animals, with angels looking down on them.
Five hundred small pieces. Olivia worked on it nearly every day after school.
I was afraid it would be too hard for her, but she insisted she could do it and she did. ”
“She completed the puzzle?”
“Not yet. I’ll admit, though, that she’s found more pieces than I have by two to one. She gets her patience and persistence from you, Logan.”
He responded with a fleeting smile, and then he quickly drew serious. “I’ve missed being with her, seeing her bright smile every day.”
Beth bit back the urge to remind him that he was the one who chose to leave.
He faithfully spent time with Olivia every other Saturday, unless he was working, and called often to speak to her.
It wasn’t the same, though, as him coming home each night, sharing the everyday nuances of their daughter’s life. And hers, too.
She realized their real problem was the lack of communication.
When she hid her parents’ financial help, that had served to feed Logan’s feelings of inadequacy.
Instead of the two of them talking it out, coming to a solution together to repay her family, she’d cooked his favorite meals and did all she could to pretend everything was normal.
She wasn’t the only one at fault. Logan had clammed up, becoming uncommunicative.
How she wished things could be different.
“That friendly nature she has is all you,” Logan said, interrupting her thoughts. “She’s never met a stranger, has she?”
“No, never,” Beth agreed.
Currently Olivia was visiting with Virginia, excitedly telling the older woman how much everyone enjoyed Virginia’s cookies.
The two of them were close enough for Beth to hear snatches of the conversation.
The grandmother was telling Olivia that she had a granddaughter around Olivia’s age and that she was taking the ferry to visit her twin sister.
Olivia immediately had questions about her sister.
There were a pair of twins in her class at school, a boy and a girl.
Logan must have caught part of the conversation, too. “Listen, I probably should have said something earlier.”
“About?”
He hesitated. “I appreciate the invite, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to join you and your parents for Christmas.
They might say they are okay with me joining you.
That’s just the kind of family you have; they are a blessing, but I’d feel out of place and weird dropping by .
. . I don’t belong, Beth. I’m sorry, I really am. ”
“What do you mean you don’t belong? You’re my husband, whether you want to claim me as your wife or not,” she whispered fiercely, not wanting Olivia to overhear. This news would crush their daughter. All she really wanted for Christmas was for her daddy to be with her.
“I’m not going to argue with you, Beth. I don’t belong. It’ll be awkward for everyone. You don’t need that on Christmas.”
“It won’t be . . .” She wanted to argue, but before she could say another word, Logan continued.
“You should have made a better choice in a husband. It’s time you accepted that and moved on.”
Beth folded her arms and stiffened at his words. Her throat thickened and she was afraid to speak for fear the tears would leak into her voice. After several awkward moments she felt composed enough to respond.
“You’re right, Logan, I do deserve better. When we married, I believed in you. In us. I felt that no matter what the future held, we would face it together . . . that the love we shared, the home we built, would see us through any storm. I was wrong, though, wasn’t I?”
He didn’t answer, not that she expected he would.
“I got pregnant with Olivia, and when I told you, you freaked out,” she added.
“We weren’t financially ready for a family,” he reminded her, as if this was news she hadn’t realized.
“Who is ever ready? We talked about starting a family and we kept putting it off. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I was on birth control, and while you might think our daughter was an accident, she is anything but that. She is my entire world.”
“I love Olivia, too,” he insisted. “More than anything.”
“Deep down I believe that, which is why I find it so difficult to understand why you walked away from us. Is it me you can’t love?
” Despite every effort, tears leaked from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.
She was sick of his silence. Sick of him leaving her to face life alone instead of them standing tall together, supporting each other.
Sick of all the lonely nights she spent longing for her husband.
“How can you say I don’t love you? I pay support every month, and let me tell you, it isn’t easy. I’ve sacrificed so much for Olivia and for you. I’ve gone without lunches and made do with worn-out work clothes.”
Beth was tempted to remind him of all the things she’d done without, too, but remained silent.
“I live in a basement a friend is renting me that is cold and dank to make sure you and Olivia have what you need,” he continued.
“You’re right, you meet your obligations,” she agreed, both angry and hurt.
“But don’t you see how much Olivia idolizes you?
How much she misses you? Didn’t you notice how excited she was to see that you were here on the ferry?
What do you think she’s telling people?” she asked, and gestured to Olivia excitedly chatting with Virginia.
Before he could answer, she responded for him. “Olivia is letting everyone know her father is going to spend Christmas with her. All she wants is time with you, time with her daddy.”
Several uncomfortable moments passed before he spoke. “Like I said earlier, I’m not the man for you. I’m a rotten husband and an even worse father.”
The urge to argue was hard to hold back. He’d been a good husband until he’d learned her parents had helped with Olivia’s medical expenses.
Logan had always stressed about finances, and the future.
Each month he grew more and more depressed, especially when they ran out of money for key items such as electricity and groceries.
Beth knew it was wrong not to tell Logan her parents had paid off the medical bills.
Because she was a stay-at-home mom, she paid the bills each month.
They reviewed them together, deciding how best to budget their income.
She hid the fact that the medical bills had been paid, knowing how upset it would make him.
It didn’t take long for Logan to figure it out when there was suddenly enough money for a few extras they had done without for years.
Instead of being grateful, he’d taken her parents’ help as a slight against his manhood and his ability to support his family.
From that moment forward, it felt like Logan gave up on them. Since they split, it seemed like he’d set out to prove that she could have made a better choice in a husband and a father for Olivia.
Neither spoke for a long time.
Skipping with her pigtails bobbing, Olivia approached her father. “Do you want to draw a picture with me?” she asked Logan, oblivious to the tension between them.