Chapter Fifteen
Beth ignored Logan even though he’d positioned himself so that he stood next to her and Olivia.
He’d bruised her heart—and more important, Olivia’s—with his decision to bow out of Christmas.
Yet, as hard as she tried, she could feel herself drawn to him, drawn into the memories of the love they’d once shared.
For months on end, she’d prayed and hoped that eventually Logan would realize he’d made a mistake and return home.
Her love for him and all the might-have-beens made her weak.
For so long after Logan left, she’d believed he’d realize he belonged with his wife and daughter and would come back to them.
Four months passed before she found the courage to tell her parents Logan had moved out.
Until that time, she’d invented excuses for why he wasn’t around.
He was working overtime.
He was at a friend’s house, watching a Seahawks football game.
He was out running errands.
The sad part was that her parents believed her.
Beth was forced to admit the truth to her family when it became her truth.
Logan wasn’t going to change his mind. He’d made his decision and had no intention of being part of their family any longer.
She knew her parents would loan her the money to file for a divorce.
At any point, she could have taken advantage of their generosity.
Only Beth couldn’t make herself give up the hope that one day they would be willing to open up to each other and communicate, talking through their issues together.
“I couldn’t do it,” Logan said, breaking into her thoughts.
Beth ignored him.
James’s wife was having another contraction, and with the crowd gathered around the young man, Beth and Olivia started counting out the seconds.
When the counting and the singing ceased, Logan said it again, a bit louder this time. “I couldn’t do it.”
Seeing that he wasn’t going to let her pretend she hadn’t heard him, she turned her head just enough to look at him. “Do what?”
He lowered his head. “Tell Olivia I wouldn’t be there for Christmas.”
Unsure of what he expected her to say or what she should feel, she decided it was best to say nothing.
“She was so happy when she thought I’d be with the two of you,” he continued. “I can’t disappoint her.”
When he’d told her he’d changed his mind, she’d wanted to shout at him, calling him a coward. If they had been anywhere but on a crowded ferry, she would have said what was on her mind.
The truth, the bottom line, was that Logan was afraid of facing her parents, knowing they were helping her not only with Olivia’s medical bills but also with other expenses.
Beth knew he feared her mom or dad would call him out for the way he’d given up on them and mostly on himself. Rather than face the possibility, he’d chosen to crush Olivia’s joy.
“You mean to say you’ll be joining us?” she asked.
He didn’t look the least bit enthused. “I’ll come for a little while . . . I don’t have any gifts for anyone; I won’t stay long.”
“Okay,” she said.
He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry, I’d hoped to have something for you and Olivia.”
“We don’t need gifts,” she said, struggling to keep her voice even. Olivia and Beth wanted nothing more than for him to come home so they could be a family again.
“More than life itself, I wish I could have been the man you believed I could be,” he continued in low tones. “I tried, Beth. I sincerely tried. Everything I did turned out wrong.”
She jerked her head back around to stare at him.
“Everything you did showed that you cared, that even when money was tight, we still had each other and Olivia. We used to be a team, Logan, working together to build a family. Yes, there were problems, bills, stress, budget shortfalls. But we had each other until you left me to stand alone with a broken heart. I know how wrong it was for me to take that money from Mom and Dad without telling you, but . . .” Her voice cracked and she swallowed down a sob, angry with herself for letting him see her pain.
This was the first real conversation they’d had about his leaving.
At first, after he’d left, she’d been too shocked to react, certain he would quickly change his mind and move back.
Every conversation had been one she hoped would bring him home.
Words he apparently didn’t want to hear because he’d stopped having more than a brief conversation when he collected Olivia, as if he couldn’t get away fast enough.
For far longer than she should have, Beth clung to the hope that Logan would change his mind. When it seemed that wasn’t going to happen, she broke down and wept bitter tears, refusing to beg, refusing to accept that he no longer wanted to be part of their lives.
Her hope had been replaced with heartache and despair. Because of his background, she realized how hard Logan struggled with his self-esteem. His father had beaten him down to the point where he struggled to make himself believe he was capable of becoming a success in life.
By the time a year passed, she became angry and bitter, but soon she realized how pointless resentment was.
For a long while she struggled with acceptance and concentrated on being the best mom, daughter, and teacher that she could be.
She had to let go and give Logan to God and pray that one day he’d come to accept how much he was loved.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
Tears were close to the surface, and once again her voice wobbled when she spoke. “I know.” Although it was tearing her up inside, she had to find the strength within herself to be grateful for whatever Logan was able to give of himself. If not for her, then for Olivia’s sake.
Once she felt she could keep her voice even, she said, “Having you spend even a short time with Olivia on Christmas will mean everything to her.”
“Like I said, I . . . I don’t have a gift for her,” he said. “I was hoping to sell my motorcycle, but the buyer changed his mind at the last minute.” Disappointment coated each word.
Beth remembered how still he’d gotten after reading a message on his phone. It was shortly after that when he’d decided to forgo Christmas with them.
“I’m glad he changed his mind. You love that bike.”
“I love Olivia more and was hoping to get her a Christmas gift . . . and you, too.”
Her lower lip quivered as she fought back emotion. That Logan would be willing to sacrifice his bike to give them Christmas gifts was like a punch to the heart. As hard as he pretended not to care, he clearly did.
Reaching for his hand, Beth entwined her fingers with his. It was all she could do without tearing up to reveal how deeply his words had touched her.
The singing and counting started up again, and this time Logan joined in, his voice blending in with Beth’s.
“That man’s wife is having a baby,” Olivia explained, coming to stand on the other side of Logan. He reached for his daughter’s hand and smiled down at her.
“The daddy can’t be with his wife because he’s stuck on the ferry like us,” Olivia added, as if this was news to Logan.
“That’s why we’re all helping him and his wife, too,” Beth explained.
“Daddy.” Olivia looked up at Logan, her beautiful brown eyes so like her father’s, and asked, “Was I born in a hospital?”
“Yup, you sure were.”
“Were you there with Mommy?”
“I was.”
“Did you count the seconds of the contraptions like everyone is doing here?”
“Contractions,” Beth corrected.
“Con-trac-tions,” Olivia repeated, struggling to pronounce the multisyllable word.
Logan nodded. “I did. I was right by your mommy’s side the whole time.”
“Was Mommy in pain, like the lady?”
Olivia had grown more inquisitive as she listened to the conversations taking place around them. “I was,” Beth said, “but it was the best pain in the world because when it was over I got to hold you in my arms.”
Olivia cocked her head to one side as if she found Beth’s answer hard to understand. “When I get hurt and you kiss my owie, it sometimes feels better and sometimes it still hurts.”
“A little attention and love make almost all the pain go away,” Beth said.
“Yup, it does.” Olivia’s attention waned and she asked, “Can I go sit with my new friend?”
“Okay,” Beth agreed.
Her daughter skipped happily to the table where Kevin sat coloring in a book. The boy glanced up and smiled when Olivia approached. Soon the two sat side by side, each coloring a page. Sharing crayons.
“I remember when you went into labor,” Logan said, as he glanced down at their clasped hands. “I was scared to death.”
“You were?” All she remembered was how calm he was, how caring and thoughtful. “You certainly didn’t show it.”
“I didn’t dare. I was afraid if you knew how frightened I was you would panic yourself.”
“I think I probably would have,” Beth agreed, remembering the hectic drive to the hospital after they realized the strange pain she was experiencing that emanated from her back was the first sign of labor. “It was too early, and I didn’t know what that would mean for the baby.”
A loud cheer went up. Because of the conversation with Logan, Beth hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on around them.
She touched Virginia’s shoulder, as she was standing in front of Beth.
“Did something just happen?”
The grandmother turned her head around. “Lilly has advanced to stage two—the baby is about to be born.”
“So soon?”
“A fast labor for sure, and it’s their first,” Virginia said and smiled. “I wasn’t that fortunate with either of my two children.”
“I wasn’t, either,” Beth said as the two women shared a smile. When she returned her attention to Logan, she noticed how intently he was staring at her.
“Is everything all right?” she asked, wondering at the change in him.
He looked away, and Beth thought she might have seen the sheen of tears in his eyes.
“Logan? What is it?”
He didn’t answer for a moment. “When Olivia was born, I was terrified I would lose you both.”