13. Ainsley
Chapter 13
Ainsley
I spend all Saturday on my couch, researching tarot cards with Brooklyn 99 reruns on in the background.
Turns out The Fool isn’t about being stupid at all. It's more like the beginning of a journey.I guess that explains some of Taylor’s behavior when I told him. But not all of it.
I learn that The Magician is only kind of about magic. It’s more about self-confidence and using the resources you have. And the guy on the card is wearing a dress, so I feel a little better about the silly outfit The Fool is sporting.
I learn a lot about the history of Tarot and what it’s used for.
I learn that there are different decks and people interpret them all differently.
What I fail to learn is the connection between The Fool and The Magician, and what it could mean for this crazy situation I can’t seem to imagine walking away from.
My dreams are filled with guys in dresses and so much sexual tension that I wake up with an aching hard-on—and a mission.Doc and I retrace my steps from the other night back to the shop where Gem told me she used to work.
The Stone Moon.
I crack open the front door and peer inside.It’s dimly lit, a small, crammed shop that smells of incense and looks like it sells rocks. I suppose that makes sense, considering the name.I can hear movement and voices, but I don’t see anyone, so I call out. “Hello?”
After a moment, a woman who looks to be in her early thirties appears from around the corner. Tall and curvy with dark hair and dark eye makeup, she’s more or less exactly who I was expecting to see in her long flowing skirt and spiderweb embroidered shawl. “Hello,” she calls out.
“Hi. I was wondering if I could bring my dog in.” I’ve learned over the years it’s better to ask. “He’s very well behaved.”
Her face widens in all directions with a smile. “Animal familiars are always welcome here.”
I blink at the surprising answer but decide it’s a yes. Pushing the door open the rest of the way, I cross the threshold and wait patiently for Doc to sniff his way inside.As soon as I close the door and take a step into the shop, the woman is on her knees, greeting Doc. This is such a common occurrence that it doesn’t faze me anymore. There’s something about my guy's ears that seem to draw people to him like static electricity.
“What a gentle soul,” the woman says as I take a closer look around the shop fullof rocks and crystals, books, hanging things, and dried plants. The smell makes sense now that I see at least three incense holders pouring out smoke.
“What’s his name?”
“Doc.”
“Hello Doc. You do look very wise.”
She brings herself back up to her feet but doesn’t look away from Doc’s big, droopy eyes, as she addresses me. “What brings you in today?”
“I need to get a tarot card. Two, actually.”
I’m not sure where I got the idea that holding the two cards in my hands will somehow give me the answers I need, but it just feels right.
“You mean a deck?”
She finally looks up at me, and I find kindness and curiosity in her eyes. And a bit of haze. I’m fairly certain this woman is stoned.
“Sure, yeah. A deck. And an instruction book, probably.”
“Right this way.”
She leads me to the back of the shop, to an overfull bookshelf draped with tiny, twinkling lights. “I do readings, as well. If you have a burning question you want answers for.”
She says it like she knows something about me, and I tense even though it’s probably just a sales pitch.But she might be able to shine some light on the mysteries I've been so far unable to unravel on my own.
“Do I get to choose the cards for the reading?”
Her eyes narrow, but not in a suspicious way. She’s starting to consider me like I’m the most interesting thing that’s ever stumbled into her shop. “Absolutely.”
“Great. Let’s do it.”
She motions to a low, purple velvet chair on one side of a small round table draped with a paisley scarf. I settle in, and she sits across from me. We both watch as Doc performs his laying down ritual, complete with sniffing the entire area and spinning at least ten times.
When he huffs and rests his head down on crossed paws, I turn my attention to the table.
“I’m Marisol.” The woman offers her name but not her hand.
I nod. “Ainsley. Nice to meet you.”
She produces a worn looking tarot deck from somewhere in the folds of her intricate dress and places it on the table between us.
“Oh, great,” I say, reaching for the deck.
I’ve been dying to get my hands on one after my power homework session yesterday. I flip the deck over and spread the cards out on the table.
I find The Fool easily. It nearly jumps out of the pile at me. I’m still searching for The Magician when Marisol starts to laugh.
“What are you doing?” Her tone is not unkind, but she’s clearly surprised.
“I’m choosing my cards.” All signs point to the fact that I’m doing something wrong here, but I don’t care. I want to see the cards, and I’m too close now to give into propriety.
“I see that.” She sits back in her own velvet chair and waits.
I finally find the card I want and scoop the rest into a neat pile that I push back to her side of the table. I then lay The Fool and The Magician side-by-side on the cloth covered table and wait for them to reveal their secrets.
They don’t.
My frustration must start to show because Marisol leans forward and rests her chin in both hands. “Do you have a question?”
“Yeah,” I reply, remembering why I came here. This woman probably has the answers I need. “Can you tell me what these cards mean and what it means for them to be together?”
The silence that follows stretches long enough that I look up from the cards and find her watching me. My gaze must shake her out of whatever trance she’s in because she blinks and nods. “Maybe.”
I push the cards toward her, just in case she needs them to get on with it.
But she just watches me. “The way a reading generally works is that the customer has a question or a quandary that they need guidance for. They choose the cards, and we talk about what those particular cards could signal for their situation.”
I nod. “I need to ask a question, then? Okay.” I pause and consider. “I want to know how to proceed in a confusing and complicated romantic situation I find myself in.”
“Matters of the heart,” she replies.
I nod again, starting to get impatient.
“Usually you would choose cards from the deck?—”
I interrupt her by tapping on the cards I chose, which are on the table between us. “I choose these.”
“Indeed,” is her amused response. “I wonder if you would be willing to choose one more card from the deck—without looking—so we could do a proper three card reading.”
If that’s what it’s going to take, I’m happy to add one more card to the mix. The more the merrier seems to be the theme of my life right now.
Marisol spreads the deck out on the table in front of me, keeping The Fool and The Magician aside. I stare at the backs of the cards for a long moment, running my hand over the line of them an inch or so from their surface, as if I’ll be able to feel the right card.
As if there is a right card.
Finally, I just pick one, sliding it out face down in front of me.
“You can flip it over or I can,” Marisol offers.
I flip the card. It’s The Moon.
Laughter bursts out of Marisol so loud and suddenly that both Doc and I jump in surprise.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just…The Moon. The cards have a sense of humor today.”
I have no idea what that means, but I’m starting to wonder if I made the right choice in coming here. I pat my hand on Doc’s head to comfort him as he starts to settle back down.
Marisol can sense my unease and leans forward once more. “There are no bad cards.”
“Just funny ones?”
“Just…coincidences that are hard to ignore.”
I’m about done with all this cryptic nonsense. “All right, lady. Lay it on me. What’s my future?”
She laughs again, shaking her head. “Tarot isn’t a fortune telling medium. All we can do is see what advice and lessons the cards can offer us about our particular situation. In your case, you have your two favorite cards there, The Fool, number zero, the realm of the imagination, and The Magician, number one, manifestation, bringing the fantasy realm to life. Together, those cards represent the first two steps in the journey of the Major Arcana, the archetypal cards in the deck. The Fool is a journey of fresh possibilities, the ability to pursue one’s dreams fearlessly, and being open to new experiences and possibilities. Lying alongside The Magician, which is a card that represents inner power, taking bold steps forward toward achieving one’s dreams. Together, they signal movement, flow-state, if you will. Something that was once just an idea being brought to life.”
“And The Moon?”
She sits back in her chair, no longer looking down at the cards. I meet her gaze and hold it while she considers.
“The Moon is imagination, dreams, magic, and cycles. It’s often looked at as a reflection of the other cards in the reading. A mirror of sorts. It’s the realm of imagination and the shadow of the real world.”
“The Fool is imagination, and The Magician is bringing that into the real world.”
Marisol nods. “And The Moon reflects both of those things.”
Reaching forward, I pull the three cards closer on the table so I can peer straight down at them. The Fool and The Magician are familiar as old friends after all my hours of research. I must have looked at a hundred different versions of each.
The Moon, though. The Moon is new.
On the card is a full moon, of course, but there’s also two dogs. I squint to look closer and notice that one of the dogs is gruffer than the other, with visible teeth, grayish white fur, and an unruly tail. The other dog, although the same size, is a deeper shade of brown and has a more domesticated looking tail. Its ears are soft and laid back as it howls, unlike the pointy ears of the white dog.
Two dogs, one soft and cared for, the other gruff and mean looking. And they howl together at the same moon.
I guess I’m starting to see some of the irony of the cards.
But I came here for answers, and all I have now are more questions. “Are these dogs about to be attacked by a lobster?”
Marisol laughs. “One thing at a time, love.”
I break my concentration on the cards to look back up at her. “What does it all mean?”
“The clarity of the answers the cards can provide is directly connected to the quality of the question you ask.”
I try not to grind my teeth as she tosses out another riddle. “Okay, so I asked the cards what to do about my romantic situation. And it gave me these three. What do you think the answer is?”
“The answer is yes. ”
I groan. “Yes, what?”
“Yes to everything. Go for it.”
And there it is. Permission to feel what I feel. Sure, it’s permission from a strange, stoned woman in a rock store reading symbols from a deck of cards, but maybe that’s all I need.
Then again…maybe not. “I’m scared.”
Marisol nods. “It will be scary. This path,” she gestures to the three cards in front of me, “is not a straight line. You have a journey ahead of you that starts in the deepest, darkest part of your soul and takes things you’ve never been brave enough to show anyone and brings them to light. You’re going to meet the animalistic side of yourself, and it doesn’t look to me like you’re going to be doing it alone. All those things will take courage. The Fool only thinks he walks his path alone, though. If you look again, you’ll see that was never the case.”
I glance back down at The Fool card and huff out a soft laugh. He’s got a little dog dancing along beside him.
Dancing together right off a cliff.