34. Gemma
Chapter 34
Gemma
A insley’s dad cancels breakfast via text, claiming he has to head back to the city sooner than anticipated. I read his apology and promise to talk soon over Ainsley’s shoulder as we grab our own quick coffee and eggs before we get on the plane.
We’re all seated together in first class, Taylor taking the middle seat in a move both possessive and martyrly. He’s asleep before we hit thirty thousand feet.I resist the urge to stroke his hair as I curl on my side and watch him. “He doesn’t usually sleep.”
“On planes?” Ainsley asks.
I shrug. “Or ever. There’s a whole other Taylor life that exists in the night while I sleep. I wake up, and he’s been doing so many things.”
“He seems to sleep pretty well to me.”
“He does now.” I turn to gaze at the seatback in front of me, trying to remember when all this sleep started. It was Ainsley’s apartment. “This is good for him. All of this. ”
“All the sex?” Ainsley jokes, just as a flight attendant pauses at our row to ask about blankets and water.
He flushes bright red and accepts both.When she moves past, he turns back to me. “I know what you mean.”
I raise my eyebrows and wait.
He twists his mouth to one side, thinking. “I was a wreck when you met me on Christmas. I was halfway through the last year of school for a degree I didn’t even want anymore. I was lonely and avoidant and sure that my only option was to move back to my dad’s house and go to law school in New York. I thought I’d failed the big test of life.”
He falls silent and I’m eager to hear the rest, to keep him talking about himself. After the email I received this morning, I’m not sure I’d make it through much questioning before breaking down and spilling everything. “And now?”
His eyes are bright when he turns back to me. “And now it feels like I can just take life one day at a time. I can’t even figure out where I got the idea that I needed to have it all worked out before I took the first step. Like there are no steps, or maybe it’s all steps. I just keep living each day the way that seems right and you and Taylor keep not telling me to fuck off.” He shrugs. “It sounds stupid but I’m not sure if anyone’s ever accepted me like this before. Just as I am.”
“Maybe you’ve never let them.”
He grimaces but lets it slide into a sheepish smile. “Maybe. I have been trying pretty hard to be perfect. Perfect or why bother. That’s something my dad used to say growing up. I’m not actually sure he was ever talking to me when he said it, but it plays in my head when I’m considering asking someone out or joining a club or going to a party. Are you perfect today, Ains? When was the last time you got your hair cut? What are you going to add to the conversation? Most times I just stay home. ”
A surge of feeling so strong and sour and sad rushes up in me then, so overpowering that I almost gasp. I know exactly what he means. I know how it feels to be constantly worrying if you’re doing it right. Maybe that’s just the human experience. To not realize that there is no right and each and every one of us is just stumbling through it, one nervous step at a time—no matter how confident our mask seems.Stumbling along is certainly what I’ve been doing these last few months. Well, if I’m being honest, years. Letting myself drift into one dream while still holding onto another, knowing damn well how incompatible the two are. Not letting myself think too far into the future and telling myself it will all be okay even though I know it can’t be.
Because I know Taylor has to choose to stay.
And I know I will have to choose to go.
That part is bad enough, but I’m used to the cut by now. I’ve had months to numb myself to the secret heartbreak only I know is coming.The worst part’s only just become clear to me. And it’s that Ainsley would come with me.Selfishly, my little girl heart swoons at the idea. The romance of it. The security.But the adult woman who is actually running the show? She’s borne witness to a love I didn’t even know was possible. A bond forged in fire, one that flashes hot and red each time their eyes meet. I know, no matter how much I want it, I have no right to take it from them.
So…I keep my secrets.