40. Gemma
Chapter 40
Gemma
“ R eally lovely to meet you, Gemma. We’ll be in touch.”
“Thank you so much. It was an honor to even be here. I appreciate you taking the time.”
I walk as slowly as I can through the hallways back to the elevator after shaking hands with the interview team and assuring them I’ll be in the city for a few more days if they want to follow up. I’m trying to soak in the energy of the place, just in case I don’t get the position—or I can’t convince myself to stay.
There’s a really good chance they’re going to choose me. Magnus Publishing was my first choice for an internship, and they seemed enthusiastic about the prospect of having me join their team.
I should be ecstatic. I should be bouncing from the walls and daydreaming about a career in one of these high-rise offices with a view of the park.
Instead, I can hardly breathe.
What should feel like a success feels a lot like failure. And not the good kind.
If this whole experience has taught me one thing, it’s that walking away from everything is going to be a lot more challenging than I imagined.
That’s just how heartbreak goes, Gem. It’s hard for a while and it slowly gets better with time.
The familiar voice—the voice that got me on that plane and checked me into a New York hotel last night—is sounding a lot less sensible now that the possibility of me getting this job is so real.
Can I actually do it?
Can I leave behind everything I’ve built for myself?
Rain starts as I watch the streets fly by through the grimy cab window. It casts my tiny, cheap hotel room in a gray haze that makes me nostalgic for home.
I flip on every light and close the blackout curtains.
The sterile, unfamiliar room glares back at me in the bright light like a taunt.
With nothing to look at but the mauve floral bedspread, I dig my phone out of my bag and light up the screen. The photo of the three of us poolside on Faraday Island makes me smile despite my rapidly souring mood.
We had a good time.
There were lots of good times.
That’s not why I left.
With a sigh of impatience at my own doomsday thoughts, I switch the phone out of airplane mode, where it’s been since I boarded my flight at SeaTac yesterday. I knew there would be messages and calls, and I wasn’t ready to deal with them.
Hell, I’m still not ready, but I need to be able to take the call from Magnus when—if—they call to offer me the position.
I flop onto the bed and watch the notifications appear one by one.Lots of texts from the guys. One from Marisol. Missed calls from the guys. I’m just biting my lip and trying to get the nerve to text them back when the phone lights up with Ainsley’s silly, grinning face on the screen.
I answer before I can talk myself out of it.
“She lives!” he calls out as soon as the line goes live.
I laugh in spite of myself. “Hey, Ains.”
“You know,” he starts, and I brace myself for the lecture. “We ordered way too much dim sum at my favorite place in Queens, and I was just telling Taylor that Gemma should be here?—”
“Wait, you’re in New York?” My mind is struggling to process this turn of events.
“Of course, babe. You’re here. Anywhere you are, we’re going to be too.”
I squeeze my eyes closed to keep tears from forming, but it doesn’t work. I let them roll as I try to breathe through the consequences of my actions biting me in the ass much sooner than anticipated.
“Where are you?” Taylor must have taken the phone because his voice comes through the speaker. Not upset, but definitely worried.
“Hey,” is all I can manage.
“Hey,” he says back, tone softening. “You okay?”
“I don’t know.” I answer honestly.
I thought I was going to get to hide until I had everything figured out, but it seems like that’s no longer an option.
“I’m sorry for everything,” he says before I can think of anything to say.
“What? No, I’m sorry. I’m the one who left. I should have said something.”
“I should have made you feel like it was safe to tell me. That’s on me, witch. ”
I open my mouth to argue, but a sob escapes.
“Can we come see you?” He offers the question so lightly, I actually feel like it would be okay to say no. Not that I want to. I didn’t run away because I didn’t want the guys here with me. I ran away because of…important reasons I can’t seem to remember right now.
“Yeah, of course. I’m staying at The Lafayette Lodge on Delancey. Lower East Side.”
“Seriously?” I hear Ainsley’s voice cut back in.
“Yes, seriously, Ains. It’s fine.”
“Yeah, no, I just…always wanted to see the inside of that place. Okay.” I hear him repeat the hotel name to someone.
“Are you in a cab already? What about Dim Sum?”
Taylor comes back on the line. “The food was a trap. We’ve been driving around in this cab for five hours.”
I laugh out loud despite my overwhelming feelings. “Really? Why?”
“Looking for you,” Taylor says, and I believe him.
“Luka here’s been our personal chauffeur,” Ainsley shouts from beside him. I can hear the cabbie’s enthusiastic agreement.
I shake my head, smiling now. “I’m in room 306. See you soon.”
I expect Taylor to end the call, but he doesn’t. “I called you, love. A bunch of times.”
His words pierce my already aching heart, sending another wave of hot tears down my cheeks. “I know. I had my phone off since the flight. I’m sorry.”
“I’m going to make this up to you,” he whispers, and I can hear the emotion in his voice as well.
“Taylor, you don’t have to?—”
“Gemma.” He stops my arguments short with the use of my name, which he rarely uses. “I’ve had a harsh dose of reality these last twenty-four hours, and what’s become painfully clear is how misplaced my priorities have been. And that’s on me. I made you feel like you had to run off, like you couldn’t share the best news of your life with me. That I wouldn’t be happy for you. That I wouldn’t choose you over everything else.”
I have to hold my hand over my mouth to keep from interrupting him with another sob. I want nothing more than to cut in and tell him it’s okay, that it’s my fault too, but I can tell he needs to get this out, so I stay silent.
“I don’t know how it would have gone if you’d told me last week or last month. And that shit kills me. It kills me to know there’s a possibility I would have let you go. But that’s all over, okay? I’m here. And I'm always going to be here. Wherever.”
“But your house, Taylor…”
“The house is gone. It’s done. Like it should’ve been years ago. I just dragged that shit out, god only knows why?—”
“Because it was important to you, Taylor. That’s why.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But it never should have been more important than you. It never was, but I made you feel that way. That’s on me.”
I can’t think clearly enough to form a response that’s not just an attack of questions about the house, so I stay quiet. Taylor’s quiet as well, the two of us breathing together over the background of horns and sirens and car doors and elevator dings.
The knock at my door comes before I’m ready, but I spring to my feet anyway, phone still held to my ear.
“Hey,” Taylor says as I swing the door open. He still has the phone held to his own ear.
I end the call, letting my arm drop to my side. His gaze is heavy and tired, locked on mine as we stand facing each other through the door frame.
“I feel like I just walked onto the set of a David Lynch film,” Ainsley’s saying, pushing past Taylor to walk into my hotel room.
I glance back with a smile, watching him spin in place taking it all in. “I’m glad I can amuse you with my seedy hotel room.”
“Not seedy. It’s…retro.” Ainsley turns and walks back, coming up behind me until his chest presses to my back.
I let my eyes drop closed as I take in the feeling of his body on mine.
Was I really going to give this all up?
I catch my breath and open my eyes to find Taylor still in the doorway, watching me. “Come in.”
He obeys in silence, closing the door and leaning against it. I walk forward until my face is an inch from his chest and look up at him as he looks down at me. It’s a position so familiar, a wave of longing threatens to send me to my knees.
“Are we okay?” I ask in a whisper.
He shrugs, and my heart breaks.
A fresh wave of tears roll down my cheeks and Taylor just watches. When he finally speaks, I wish for the silence to come back. “You don’t trust me.”
“Taylor, I didn’t want you to give up your dream for me. Either of you. You both have important things in your life and packing it all up to move to New York wasn’t in either of your plans.”
“That was our decision to make. Together.”
“I know. I should've told you, but?—”
“But you don’t trust me.”
“Taylor, I?—”
“You thought I’d choose the house over you.”
I’m suddenly angry because, yeah, that is what I thought. And you know what? I was probably right. I take a step back. “You would have. ”
“You don’t know that.”
“I didn’t want to find out.”
“Gem—”
“No. You don’t get to tell me now, after you know the consequences, what you would have done. I’ve watched you sacrifice everything for that house over the last three years. You gave up your restaurant, your apartment. You work sixty hours a week at a job you hate. And for what? For our future? To make our dreams come true? No. You did it all so you could pay for repairs on a house everyone told you was unsavable. And it sounds like you finally learned that. You must have failed the inspection, and now you’re ready to move on, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I’ve always been second to that house.”
I’ve destroyed him with my words, and it doesn’t feel nearly as good as I expected. I can barely look at him as he recovers and finds his own voice.
“I had no idea you felt that way.”
“It’s easier to pretend. That’s been my whole life. My mom chose alcohol. My grandparents chose their freedom and left me with the Whitmores. The Whitmores chose their own children, of course. I’ve been pretending to belong, to be someone’s first choice, my whole life. I couldn’t tell you the truth, because then I couldn’t go on pretending that I was yours, even when I knew I wasn’t.”
Taylor steps toward me, slowly, with his hands raised in surrender. “If I could go back and do it all differently, I would. But I can’t. You’re right. We failed the inspection. The house is probably already registered condemned. My parents are planning their move to Florida. Everyone could see the truth but me. But if you think that fight was only for myself, for that house, you’re wrong, Gem. That house was going to be my way of proving that I was good enough for you. I’ve got nothing else to offer.”
I close my eyes again as my anger turns to exhaustion. “You can’t possibly believe that.”
He’s silent so long that I open my eyes and find his downcast. He does believe it.
Ainsley’s arms touch down on my shoulders from behind like he knows I’m about to collapse under the weight of it all. I let his strength keep me upright. “I don’t know what to say. I love you. And I want that to be enough.”
“But?” Taylor asks. No malice, just resignation.
“But it sounds like we’ve both been living lives of waiting. It breaks my heart to know that we’ve let this all stand between us for so long.”
“It’s not over,” he says, and I nod, but honestly, I’m not sure.
“My dad flew in yesterday,” Ainsley says from behind me. I’m both surprised and grateful for the distraction. “It’s what kept me from getting to the permit office and making the last boat.”
I don’t know the whole story there, but I can guess enough to let him keep going.
“My whole life I thought my mom got cancer when I was a kid. Turns out, she got it while she was pregnant with me. Got diagnosed, anyway. She probably had it for years before that. She waited to start treatment until I was born. I was mad as hell at my father when he told me that because I assumed he’d wanted his son so badly that he risked his own wife’s life. But that wasn’t the case. He wanted her. He would have chosen her. And it’s all fucked up, and I’m still processing it, but I can’t stop thinking about choices. We have to make them all the time, and most of the time, we don’t have nearly enough information. We make them based on how we feel or what we believe is right. We make them in a split second, choices that alter the course of our lives, without hesitation. We’re so sure of ourselves. But we know nothing. It’s not until years later, if ever, that we understand the implications of our biggest decisions. And that’s only if we allow ourselves to look back and do the math. We’re just doing the best we can. And this life is short. We’ve got nothing to offer anyone except our anger or our grace. I was devastated to think that my dad spent my whole life wishing he had my mom instead of me, but he doesn’t see it that way at all. He’s happy to have me and proud of how we’ve made it on our own. We can’t know, but we can do our best.”
Ainsley lays his forehead on my shoulder, and I reach back for him, catching both hands and pulling his arms around me. We breathe together for a long moment before Taylor finally breaks the silence.
“I was in over my head,” he starts. “At the Pike Place restaurant. The chef was a cokehead, alcoholic, asshole. He was offering me partnership, but it was really only sharing the liability for all the money he borrowed to open it. When the call came from my parents, I saw my way out, and I took it. When I met you a year later, Gem, I felt like a total loser—a cafeteria manager, lives with his parents, loser. I needed a hero’s story to feel like I was worthy of even asking you out. So I grabbed the only one available. I’m not sure when it became my identity, but somewhere along the way, I started believing my own lies about the situation. Believing in a fairytale world where you and I moved to that house and lived happily ever after. But the fucked-up part is, I was already happy. I already had everything I thought that house was going to give me. I just didn’t know how to let go.”
If I didn’t have Ainsley for support, I would probably collapse right onto the threadbare purple carpeting.
“And now?” I ask, my voice a whisper.
I thought I was prepared for my leaving to be the end, but I’m not. I swear my heart stops beating with my breath as I wait for him to answer.
“And now, I’m letting go.”
I gasp. In all the ways I thought this would go since opening my hotel room door, I never actually processed the possibility that he would walk away from me. To tell me I’m not?—
“Letting go of the house. The city. My job. Whatever it takes. We can live in this crime ridden, capitalist hellhole if that’s what we need to do.”
“I’ll buy us an apartment so incredible we forget all about the sirens and murder rates,” Ainsley promises from over my shoulder.
But I’m still focused on Taylor. “You’re letting go of your entire life?”
“You’re my entire life, witch. You and Mr. Moneybags back there. We’re going to go wherever you are.”
He drops to his knees, and I blink down at him in surprise.
“I’m not going to propose per se, because we haven’t quite figured out how that works for three people?—”
“But we’ve got some ideas,” Ainsley chimes in.
Taylor tosses him an amused glance before turning back to where he holds both of my hands in his. “But the way I see it, a proposal is just a promise. And that’s something I’m more than ready for.”
He pats his pockets and looks back up at Ainsley. “Ains?”
I feel Ainsley jump to attention behind me. “Oh, yeah.”
He passes a ring box to Taylor and rests his head back on my shoulder. I lean my head into his as we both watch Taylor.
The box contains three rings.
There’s a lovely, thin banded gold one in the center, and Taylor pulls it out. “We got these while we were driving around looking for you.”
I can barely breathe as he pinches the delicate ring between his fingers and holds it up. I can see three gemstones centered on the band. A large, sparkling diamond in the center, flanked by an emerald on one side and an opal on the other. I glance down at the box and see that the two men’s rings have the same stones, although much smaller, set into matte black bands.
“This is a promise from me that I’m going to spend my life focused on putting the two of you first in all decisions I make. You are my north star, and I promise to not ever get lost again.” Taylor looks up at Ainsley, who’s still resting against me. “Ains?”
Ainsley gives my shoulders one last squeeze before moving to the front of me, where he takes up kneeling beside Taylor, shoving him to the side to make room. Taylor catches himself with one hand on the carpet and tries to hide his smile as he rights himself beside Ainsley.
I stifle a laugh as Ainsley plucks the ring from Taylor’s fingers and holds it up. Then, because I can’t stand another second of being so far away from them, I sink to my own knees, sitting down on my heels and looking up at them. The love and happiness reflected back at me makes me feel both strong and weak—and grateful I’m already sitting on the ground.
“You,” Ainsley looks to Taylor and then back at me. “Both of you. Accepted me from day one, well, almost day one,” he adds with a side glance. “I’ve always thought that I needed to know everything. That my life would start when I figured it all out. That there was no point in even trying unless I knew I would succeed. But you two? You’ve never cared about what I don’t know. You never make me feel like I’m only as good as the job I'm going to get. My life started in that bar on Christmas, and I wouldn’t go back for anything. I still don’t know much, but I do know that I’m walking with you. Wherever we’re headed.”
He looks to Taylor, who gives him a nod, a smile twinkling in his eye. It’s the love I see shining between the two of them that does me in. I watch Ainsley hand Taylor the ring back through the fog of happy tears.
He slips it on my finger. “I love you. I don’t say that enough, but it’s true.”
“I love you, Taylor.” I turn to Ainsley, who is joy incarnate, and wipe my tears so I can look him in the eyes. “And I love you, Ainsley.”
He leans forward to place the softest kiss on my lips. “I love you, too, Gemma.”
Then he sits back and fumbles to get the ring box back open, pulling another ring out and holding it up. “And you, you stubborn, pig-headed, egotistical, glowering motherfucker. I love the way you teach me to be humble and show me I’m stronger than I think. And the way you show your big heart to everyone who needs you, even if you don’t know it. I love you, and this is my promise.”
Taylor’s jaw is set so tightly, I worry for the safety of his teeth. The way his forehead crinkles gives away how hard he’s working to hold back emotions as Ainsley shoves the ring on his finger and places a kiss on the black band.
After a long moment of silence between the two of them, Taylor snatches the ring box and pulls out the last ring, tossing the box aside. “I swore I wouldn’t let you get to me. I told myself, just fuck the guy until Gem gets this out of her system.” He scoffs out a laugh and looks down at the ring he twirls between two fingers. “But you changed me. I’ve never let anyone help me a single time in my whole life. I’ve carried the world around like a burden only I can bear. You didn’t even ask. You just took some of that weight from me. And I'll be damned if life hasn’t gotten better every day you’ve stuck around. Lighter, like everyone and everything doesn’t actually hate me. Maybe you just showed me how to stop hating myself so much. I’m going to love you for that, and for so much more, forever. Whether you like it or not.”
He slides the ring on as Ainsley laughs, shaking his head. “That was…almost a threat, I think. But I'll take it.”
“Oh, you’ll take it alright…” Taylor mutters, holding Ainsley’s hand up to make the small gems sparkle in the light.
“Seriously? Innuendos at a time like this?”
“Like I said, asshole, you’re stuck with me.” But there’s a smile on Taylor’s face as he says it.
When he looks back up from the ring and meets Ainsley’s gaze, Ains leans in and kisses him.
My heart literally melts. “I could not love you two more.”
They smile in unison mid-kiss, and I lean forward quickly, eager to be part of it. Taylor grabs me as soon as my lips touch theirs and pulls me down to my back on the rug between them. I stare up into the faces of my guys. The ones I’ll get to keep forever.
“Please get me off of this disgusting carpet,” I whisper.
Ainsley jumps to his feet as Taylor stands, helping me to mine.
“As ironic as this divey hotel is, and as much fun as we could have in those well-used sheets, why don’t I call and book us a suite in Midtown?” Ainsley suggests, brushing off his jeans as he glances around.
“That does sound better than my place,” I admit.
Ainsley walks until he’s right in front of me and places a hand on each of my shoulders, looking me straight on. “Not better. Just different, okay?”
I nod. “I didn’t mean that better was a bad thing.”
“I know. I just want to make sure that you both know that you’re more valuable to me than anything. Than the houses and resorts and cars and any of that shit. I’d walk away from it all if it means I get to live the rest of my life with you. ”
“For the love of god, rich boy, I just walked away from my house, can you please not walk away from yours? We’re going for humble, not homeless.”
Ainsley’s face cracks into a broad smile, aimed directly for Taylor’s playful scowl. My heart soars at the evidence of the bond between them strengthening. This road is going to be an adventure, with plenty of twists and turns, but at least now I know we’ll have each other—for better or worse.
“No suites. No more fucking cabs. You’re slumming it tonight, moneybags,” Taylor says, stalking toward him. “Now get on the fucking bed.”