Chapter 6
6
JOEL
‘All set?’ I asked Imogen as I pulled into a space in the car park of Crafty Hollow – a creative studio in the grounds of Hedgehog Hollow run by Samantha’s cousin Chloe and her auntie-in-law Lauren. They were both brilliant at sewing so would be undertaking any dress alterations this week.
She nodded, smiling.
‘Off you go, then. I’ll see you later.’
Her face fell. ‘I want you to stay with me.’
‘We talked about this before, sweetie. You’ll all be getting changed so it’s not right for me to be there, and I thought you didn’t want me to see your dance until the wedding.’
Amber and the bridesmaids had been preparing something special for the guests and all Imogen had revealed was that it had been her idea, it involved a Taylor Swift track – unsurprising given my daughter was a major Swiftie – and they’d been practising it through a video link. This was the first time they’d been together as a group although there wouldn’t be a full complement of bridesmaids as Amber’s sister, Sophie and their brother’s long-term partner, Tabs, had filming commitments out of the area so couldn’t join them today.
‘It is a secret, but I still want you there.’
‘You can’t keep it a secret if I’m there,’ I said, gently. ‘You’ll be fine. You know everyone and you’re going back to Darcie’s afterwards.’
‘But I’ve never been here before.’
I pointed to the entrance. ‘It’s just that door there.’
Her bottom lip started quivering and tears pooled in her eyes so I turned off the engine, surprised and alarmed by her reaction.
‘How about I take you inside? I can’t stay, though. You do understand why?’
She looked up at me with big sad eyes and nodded slowly, melting my heart. She’d never been a clingy toddler and starting at primary school hadn’t fazed her either. She’d been praised by her teachers for her confidence and how great she was around new or shy children, making sure they were never left out. New places didn’t normally bother her either, so I wasn’t sure what had brought on this uncertainty and particularly the tears. I didn’t like seeing her like this and it made me feel even more guilty that I wasn’t always around for her. If something was bothering her, would she confide in me? I hoped so, but I couldn’t be certain. It wasn’t the time to quiz her now, but I’d see what I could find out over the weekend.
We exited the car, and she clung onto my hand as we headed towards the former stable block.
Samantha must have spotted us approaching as the door opened. ‘Hello, you two. Come in!’
‘Is everyone decent?’ I asked.
She laughed. ‘Aw, bless you, Joel. Yes, it’s safe.’
As soon as we were inside, Imogen spotted Darcie at the other side of the room with Fizz and Phoebe, let go of my hand and was off like a shot.
‘Bye, Imogen!’ I called after her.
She turned and blew me a kiss before hurling herself at Darcie. They hugged and twirled round in a circle together. Fizz and Phoebe waved at me.
‘She was adamant I had to come in with her, but I don’t think I’m needed after all,’ I said to Samantha, giving an exaggerated sigh.
‘Those two are so adorable together,’ she said, watching them. ‘Amber and Zara are hanging up the dresses and Lauren and Chloe are making drinks. Do you want one?’
‘I think I’ll leave you to it.’
Even though Imogen seemed to have forgotten I was there, I joined her for a goodbye hug, before heading out to my car. She was back to being her usual sunshine self so hopefully that clingy moment had been nothing. I’d see how the rest of the weekend went before broaching it.
As I drove towards Bumblebee Barn, my thoughts turned to my job situation. I needed to do something about it. During my many battles with Tilly about working shifts, she’d suggested retraining for a job with regular hours and my challenge back had always been retrain as what? Most of the jobs around here are in factories, meaning shift work. But was that true or was I, like Tilly suggested, being awkward and blinkered ? None of my friends worked in factories. Barney was a farmer, Fizz was a veterinary nurse, Phoebe an accountant, Zara an events planner and her fiancé Snowy was a former Olympic gymnast who now ran his own successful gymnastics club. Tim was a plumber and Levi managed a couple of branches of his family’s estate agency. I shook my head. The only role that appealed among those was farming and I’d always loved helping Barney out, but he had enough staff already with Milo and Amber. I had nowhere near enough experience to secure a job on another farm and, if I did, it would be starting right at the bottom, probably on minimum wage. I couldn’t afford to do that when I had a mortgage and bills to pay, child maintenance, and Chester to support.
Milo was in the farmyard at Bumblebee Barn hosing out a couple of buckets when I pulled in. He looked up but didn’t smile or wave, although that was Milo all over – loved animals, couldn’t stand people. He’d worked at Bumblebee Barn for thirteen years, starting with a part-time weekend job when he was fourteen, and I always found it strange I’d known him all that time except I barely knew him at all, and he certainly didn’t know anything about me.
‘All right, Milo?’ I asked, crossing the farmyard to join him.
‘I s’pose.’
‘Is Barney around?’
‘Top Pig.’
The fields at Bumblebee Barn were named according to where they were, what they contained, and sometimes both. Top Pig was the furthest away of three fields full of pigs. The sows in Top Pig had already produced a litter of piglets last month, the ones from Middle Pig had been moved inside ready for the piglets arriving, and the piglets of the sows in Bottom Pig weren’t due until later this month or in early April so would be outside for a bit longer.
Bear and Harley, Barney’s Border collie brother and sister, were lying down beside his quad bike parked by the entrance to Top Pig, and I could see Barney at the far end. The dogs stood up and weaved round my legs. I loved dogs and so did Imogen. She’d often asked if she could have a puppy or a kitten but it wasn’t an option when I worked long shifts, so we had to get our animal fix at the farm. If I’d got the production manager’s job, I was going to look into getting a pet – perhaps an adult rescue cat which was used to being on its own during the day. Another thing I wanted to do for my daughter but couldn’t because I worked shifts. It was so frustrating.
Barney spotted me and waved me into the field.
‘How are the piglets doing?’ I asked when I joined him.
‘All good so far. Most sows have had good litters. Not many losses.’
He talked me through numbers and progress as he finished his checks, and then we headed back to the farmhouse for a tea break.
‘Are you okay?’ Barney asked, handing me a mug of tea. ‘You seem a bit quiet today.’
‘Crap couple of days,’ I admitted, sitting down at the kitchen table with him. I started by offloading about the job situation.
‘Do you wish they hadn’t told you you’d have got the job?’ he asked.
‘I’m not sure. It’s a boost to know the coaching worked, but it’s a case of look what you could have won .’ I shrugged. ‘I couldn’t not ask. I’d have always wondered.’
‘If there are redundancies, surely you’re not at risk.’
‘I’m probably most at risk. What’s the biggest operating expense most companies have? Payroll. And what’s the easiest way to cut that? Get rid of the managers who earn more and have better benefits packages.’
‘But you’re brilliant at your job.’
‘Doesn’t make any difference. I’ve been there the longest, I earn the most, I’m likely to be the first to go.’
‘I hope not.’
‘Me too. Could you imagine Tilly’s reaction if I told her I’d lost my job? She’d use it against me.’
‘If you did lose your job, what would you do?’
‘Panic!’ I raked my fingers through my hair. ‘I was thinking about it on the way over and trying to imagine what I could do instead. I might have a word with Levi and see if his family would take me on.’
Barney’s mouth dropped open and it was clear he had no idea how to react to that suggestion until he realised I was joking.
‘You had me going there for a minute,’ he said, smiling as he shook his head. ‘I was trying to picture you in a suit every day, reeling off a sales patter.’
‘I doubt I’d last a week. I’d be shockingly bad. I haven’t got the gift of the gab like Levi.’
‘But think how well you did in that interview after some coaching. If Levi took you under his wing…’
He couldn’t even finish the sentence for both of us laughing. It was good that we could make a joke out of it but if push came to shove and I did find myself out of work, I might have to look into a career which was way out of my comfort zone just to bring in some money and provide for my daughter. I already felt like she missed out on so much because my shifts kept us apart, and I wasn’t prepared for her to miss out financially too.
‘In other shock news this week, Tilly’s pregnant with twin boys.’
Barney’s mouth dropped open once more. ‘No way!’
‘Found that out by accident this morning. I got over Tilly years ago so it shouldn’t bother me but, weirdly, it has. What’s that all about?’
‘At a guess, it’s probably because it’s not you you’re thinking about – it’s Imogen. She’s already got a half-brother, half-sister and stepbrother and now she’s going to have another two half-brothers. That’s a lot of siblings, four of them younger than her, so there’s potential for her to feel left out.’
That made so much sense. ‘She was clingy with me earlier and she’s never clingy. I wonder if it’s cos of the twins.’
Barney nodded. ‘Could be. She’d probably benefit from lots of one-to-one attention from you right now but I’m guessing Tilly won’t allow that. Unless…’ He narrowed his eyes at me, looking thoughtful. ‘Is she as knackered this time as she has been before?’
‘Even more.’
‘Could be your chance to ease that for her.’
He was smiling at me and, for the first time, I could see a positive in the situation. Greg worked full time and often brought work home with him so most of the childcare responsibilities fell on Tilly. The further into her pregnancy she got, the more exhausted she’d be and the harder it would be to run around after everyone. Tilly was awkward but she wasn’t stupid and I could try to capitalise on her fatigue.
‘And what about when the twins come along?’ Barney added. ‘Four kids aged four and under to deal with? She’s gonna need help.’
Why hadn’t I thought about that? Tilly’s mum was local but they didn’t get on, so Tilly wasn’t going to want her help. Greg’s parents lived in Norfolk so they weren’t on hand and Tilly’s friends all had young children of their own so she didn’t have a support network. But she had me. Assuming I still had a job, I could book some leave and have Imogen stay with me for a week or two while Tilly settled into a routine with the twins. That would be amazing.
Feeling brighter, I managed to make light of Chez moving back home and what I’d found him and Lorna getting up to in Imogen’s bedroom. Barney agreed with me that Chez had been bang out of order and thought I’d been very restrained in how I’d handled it, which made me feel a bit better about it. Chez had still been in bed when I left the house this morning and I knew he’d be on his best behaviour when I got home later with Imogen. He liked playing the part of the cool uncle and one of the things I admired most about him was how hard he pushed himself to act like nothing was wrong around Imogen when he was in the throes of depression. That had to be exhausting. I’d told him we could explain it to Imogen but he thought she was still too young to understand and we’d best give it a couple more years. I appreciated his thoughtfulness but I sometimes worried that it was less about Imogen being too young to understand and more about Chez being ashamed of having depression. It was a mental illness and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, but some of the comments he made each time he split up with Lorna, taking all the blame for the break-up on himself, saying he was no good as boyfriend material did make me wonder. I’d tried to talk to him about it, but he’d walk off muttering that I wasn’t his therapist, so I’d had to let it go and hope that he was being honest in his therapy sessions.
After we’d finished our drinks, Barney and I went back out onto the farm, returning to the farmhouse when Amber rang to say she was back with Imogen.
‘How did your dress look?’ I asked Imogen when we joined them in the kitchen where Amber was cutting up an apple into slices.
‘It’s really pretty.’
‘And the routine?’ I asked.
They exchanged looks and laughed.
‘Bit rough around the edges and, of course, Sophie and Tabs weren’t there,’ Amber said, ‘but we’ve still got a week to go. If it goes wrong on the day, it’ll be part of the charm.’
‘Amber says I can ride Munchie,’ Imogen said.
Munchie was one of the farm’s ponies and Imogen’s favourite. Barney gave her a riding lesson most times she visited the farm. She’d been confident in the saddle from the very start and I wished I could sign her up for regular lessons at a riding school but Tilly had dismissed that idea immediately, being unwilling to take her and pick her up when I was on shifts – another reason for me wanting to keep more regular hours. I hated that my daughter needed to miss out on something she loved because of my job but, if I lost it, I’d have the time but not the money for lessons. Catch-22 situation!
‘Only if it’s okay with your dad,’ Amber added. ‘He might have other plans.’
‘Can I, Daddy? Please?’
‘It’s fine by me.’
We gathered round the table with hot drinks while Imogen tucked into her apple.
‘Are you excited about being our bridesmaid?’ Barney asked Imogen.
‘I am, but why aren’t I one at Fizz and Phoebe’s wedding? All the other bridesmaids at your wedding are and they’ve left me out. Don’t they like me?’
I hadn’t realised that was the case, but I wouldn’t have expected them to include Imogen in the bridal party when she wasn’t related to either of them.
‘Of course they like you, sweetie!’ I said. ‘They love you.’
I was dithering about how to explain further but Amber thankfully dived in.
‘Joel’s right, they do love you. But when you get married, choosing bridesmaids can be a really difficult decision. You can’t have every female guest as a bridesmaid so you need to narrow it down. Brides usually pick their best friends, their sisters if they have any and sometimes relatives who they’re really close to. If they have a daughter already, they’ll probably include them and if some of their other bridesmaids have young daughters, they might choose them too.’
I glanced at Imogen who was nodding, appearing to take it all in.
‘When your Uncle Barney and I get married, I have eight bridesmaids which is quite a lot but every single one of them is really important to me. And you’re not the only bridesmaid of mine not to be a bridesmaid for Fizz and Phoebe. Sophie and Tabs aren’t either, but Fizz and Phoebe have some bridesmaids I don’t have. There’ll be lots of different things about all the weddings you’ve been invited to and you’re a very lucky girl to be going to so many. I was way older than you before I ever went to a wedding.’
Imogen seemed placated and ate another slice of apple before frowning once more.
‘Darcie’s family’s very different. Mine’s different too but not like Darcie’s. She doesn’t have any step- or half-brothers or -sisters and she doesn’t have a mummy. Well, she does, but she doesn’t see her very often. She calls her Hayley which is her real name and I’m confused about that because she is Darcie’s mummy but Greg isn’t my daddy which is why I call him Greg, but he keeps telling me to call him Daddy.’
My stomach lurched. ‘Can you repeat that, sweetie?’
‘Greg wants me to call him Daddy but I told him I wouldn’t because he’s not my daddy. You are.’
‘When was this?’ I asked, clenching my fists.
‘Last weekend. And he’s said it lots of times before. He gets annoyed with me when I say no.’
I caught Amber’s and Barney’s eyes and they both looked as concerned as I felt.
‘What do you mean when you say he gets annoyed?’ I asked, fighting to keep my tone casual so as not to alarm her. ‘Does he shout at you?’
‘No. Can we go to the stables now?’
‘You’ll need to get changed first but, before you do, it’s important I know what you mean when you say Greg gets annoyed. What is it he says or does?’
Imogen shrugged. ‘He walks off and doesn’t speak to me until Mummy tells him off.’
‘Does Mummy know he wants you to call him Daddy?’
Imogen shrugged once more.
‘Has Mummy ever been there when he’s asked you?’
She chewed on her lip, evidently thinking back, before shaking her head vigorously. For all her faults, I couldn’t imagine Tilly encouraging our daughter to refer to anyone but me as Daddy. She’d actually raised the subject when she and Imogen moved in with Greg. I know this can’t be easy, but it’s important you understand one thing. Greg might have taken your place in my life, but he’ll never take your place in Imogen’s. You are and always will be her dad. Greg knows and respects that. Leighton has always called his mum’s new partner by his real name and that never changed when they got married. It’ll be the same with Imogen and Greg.
‘Did I do something wrong?’ Imogen asked.
‘Definitely not. Greg is Greg and I’m Daddy and you were right to say no to him.’
There was an awkward silence, which I had no idea how to fill. I was seething and I feared that, if I spoke, something derogatory about Greg would spill out. How dare he ask my daughter to call him Daddy? Didn’t he have enough kids of his own? Did he have to claim mine too? I glanced helplessly at Barney and Amber who both wore sympathetic expressions.
‘Imogen,’ Amber said, standing up. ‘Why don’t we let your daddy and Uncle Barney clear away while we go upstairs and get you changed for your ride?’
I mouthed thank you to her as she took Imogen’s hand and led her up to the spare bedroom where they kept the riding clothes and boots I’d bought.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Barney said when they were out of earshot.
I released a heavy sigh. ‘Why would he do that?’
Barney shrugged. ‘I don’t like him any more than you do so I’m not defending him but, before you say anything to Tilly, bear in mind that you don’t have the context. Greg is Daddy to the other three so it’s possible Imogen questioned why they call him Daddy when she doesn’t and he could have invited her to call him that if she wanted.’
I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled once more. ‘It’s possible. But knowing Greg…’ I was convinced that a lot of Tilly’s hostility towards me was down to his influence.
‘Yeah, you’re probably right. I’d just advise against going in all guns blazing when you only have Imogen’s side of the story, especially when she was a bit woolly on the details.’
‘Fair enough. But if it turns out he’s been telling her to call him Daddy and getting stroppy when she refuses…’
‘If that’s the case, you’ll politely ask Tilly to have a word and you’ll come over here, we’ll race the quad bikes through the swamp and you can shout and swear until you’ve got it all off your chest.’
I smiled at him gratefully. ‘You’re on!’
The quad bikes were perfect for when it all got on top of me and I’d probably need to take Barney up on the offer after I raised the issue with Tilly. And if I discovered that she knew about it or, even worse, had been actively encouraging it, it would take a lot of racing through the mud to calm me down. She’d promised me I’d always be Daddy and I expected her to stand by that promise. Mind you, she’d promised me she loved me and couldn’t wait to marry me. Tilly didn’t have great form for keeping her promises.
‘She’s looking great,’ Amber said as we leaned against the paddock fence watching Imogen riding Munchie a little later. ‘Has she said anything more about wanting lessons?’
‘No. She seems to get that I can’t take her each week because of work, and Tilly can’t spend every evening ferrying them all around.’
‘Any news on the promotion?’
I told Amber what I’d shared with Barney earlier and my worries about what an impending restructure could mean for me and Imogen.
‘I’m so sorry, Joel. I know uncertainty can be frustrating but, in my experience, it’s not worth wasting your energy on. You can’t change or influence what’s happening so best not to fret and just take it as it comes. If it’s good news, great. If it’s bad, then you can deal with it and we’ll all be here to support you.’
‘I appreciate that.’
An easy silence settled on us for several minutes as we watched Barney explaining something to Imogen and her nodding.
‘Did you always want to work in a factory?’ Amber asked when Imogen set off on Munchie again.
‘Does anyone?’ I said, laughing. ‘I think it’s one of those jobs you fall into rather than have as a career destination. I didn’t know what I wanted to do after college so I took a summer contract at the factory to earn some money and hoped inspiration would strike. Sixteen years later…’
‘What did you do at college? I don’t think I’ve ever asked.’
‘Catering and hospitality.’
‘Oh! That would explain why you’re such a good cook. You didn’t want to pursue that?’
‘I did originally, but it went a bit wrong. My dad and uncle used to have a restaurant and I had a part-time job there since I was twelve, starting on pot wash and working my way up to basic food prep. The plan was for me to work there full time after college and the long-term big plan was to take over when they retired. But in the summer between the two years at college, I worked there full time as a junior chef and it was a nightmare.’
I shuddered as I thought about it.
‘Dad and Uncle Alvin had worked brilliantly together for years and they’d been fine with me working there part time but something switched when I stepped up as junior chef. Dad was really hard on me and I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. He wasn’t interested in hearing new ideas and shouted me down all the time. Uncle Alvin thought he was being unfair and called him out on it so they clashed and I hated being the cause of a rift, so I left to save the restaurant and my relationship with my family. I loved cooking – still do – but the experience completely put me off going down that route.’
‘I’m so sorry, Joel. That’s such a shame. Would you consider it now?’
I shook my head without hesitation. ‘I’d enjoy the cooking and I’d particularly enjoy creating different dishes – experimenting was always what gave me a buzz – but I’d need to work evenings and weekends so I’d be in the same predicament I am now.’
‘Good point. Anything else appeal? If you didn’t need to worry about the money and you could work hours that suited Imogen, what would your dream job be?’
‘I honestly don’t know,’ I said after pondering on it, ‘but I’d love it to involve some time outdoors. After working half my life in the depths of a windowless factory, spending just a small part of every day in the fresh air – even in bad weather – would be an absolute dream.’
‘Something will present itself,’ Amber said, nudging her arm against mine. ‘I think this is going to be your year, Joel Grainger.’
I wasn’t sure I bought into the whole fate and destiny thing, but I would appreciate things going my way for once.
‘You should do some manifesting,’ Amber added.
I raised my eyebrows at her. ‘Some what?’
‘Manifesting. You must have heard of it. It’s the idea that you can turn a goal into reality through positive belief.’
‘You mean if I believe I can win the lottery, then I’ll win it?’
She laughed. ‘Maybe not that extreme but it’s about having a positive mindset and being optimistic because, when you approach something with a negative outlook, it becomes an obstacle. When you applied for the production manager job first time around, did you believe you could get it?’
‘Not a chance.’
‘And that attitude contributed to your mind going blank in the interview which meant you didn’t get the job which, in turn, confirmed your belief that you couldn’t get it. But it was actually your negative mindset that stopped you getting the job and not any lack of ability because, if they didn’t think you were capable, the outgoing manager wouldn’t have championed you and you wouldn’t have been shortlisted for interview.’
‘That all makes sense.’
‘Did you go into the interview this time around with that same not a chance mindset?’
‘No. The HR Director’s coaching helped me, and I genuinely believed I could get the job this time.’
‘And you did get it. What happened next with the takeover was unexpected and out of your control but your behaviour in the interview got you what you wanted and the reason you behaved in that way was because you believed. So my advice is that you think about what you’d like your future to look like and start manifesting it.’
‘How?’
‘Think about it, focus on it, send those positive thoughts and wishes out to the universe and believe that what you want can happen. I’ve got a book about it that I can lend you if you like.’
I was about to say no but it struck me that doing so would be playing into the negative mindset.
‘Okay. I’ll have a read. Manifesting sounds a bit out there, but what you said about the different approaches to my interview does resonate so I accept there’s something in it.’
Anything was worth a try as I definitely needed an injection of positivity about work. It might be fun to send my wishes out into the universe and manifest a positive outcome. Although if I was going to do that, I’d need to think about what those wishes really were. When Eloise and Jeremy said there could be redundancies, my first reaction was panic but could losing my job at the factory actually be a good thing? I’d get redundancy pay and I might even be able to negotiate a leaving date coinciding with the twins arriving and the start of the school summer holidays. I could take the pressure off Tilly by having Imogen stay with me for the summer, or at least part of it, which would give us valuable time together. I might even be able to convince her to let me take Imogen to Portugal to see my parents.
As I watched Imogen on Munchie, everything seemed so much brighter and the thought of losing my job wasn’t quite so scary.
I glanced at Amber and she gave me an encouraging smile. ‘It’s going to be fine, Joel. I know it.’
She’d said something will present itself earlier. Maybe I didn’t have to throw a wish into the universe to secure a particular job – just positive thoughts about finding the right role for me. I’d see what Amber’s book said.
And while I was trying to manifest a positive outcome for work and more time with Imogen, maybe I could manifest one for my non-existent love life and break the curse of always being the friend, never the boyfriend. Before I met Marley, I’d tried a dating app and every single connection had friend zoned me, some after the first date, some before even getting that far. For those who did make it as far as a date, the evening always ended the same. I’d ask if they wanted to do it again and there’d be that familiar expression – the scrunch of the nose, the gentle smile, the tilt of the head – and those dreaded words. Aw, I’ve had such a lovely evening, Joel. You’re such a nice guy but I can’t see us being more than friends. I’d smile and nod in agreement, knowing that it wouldn’t even be a friendship because they’d swipe left before they got home, the connection would be severed, and I’d never see them again. But thinking about what Amber had said about my interview earlier, could always being the friend actually be my fault? Did I turn up to dates expecting to be friend zoned and therefore put myself in that box before the date could? I strongly suspected I did. I was going to make sure I didn’t leave without Amber’s book and I knew what I’d be reading tonight after Imogen went to sleep. Chez’s CBT was all about positive thoughts and it worked for him most of the time. Thinking positive thoughts and manifesting a happy future for Imogen and me – and hopefully somebody else – was going to be the way forward for me. No wallowing. No lamenting the past. Just looking forward to good times.