Chapter Ten
S he had underestimated how awkward it would be to load everyone up into Boone’s truck again with the amount of tension she felt just looking at him.
She was sure even her narcissistic teenagers would feel the tension.
Surely.
They didn’t seem to, though. It was only Wendy who was sweaty and nervous and far too hot as they drove from Boone’s ranch at one end of Lone Rock, to his family ranch all the way on the other end and out the other side of town.
She was never half so grateful for how absorbed teenagers were in their own issues than she had been these last few days. Or maybe that was simply because she was so absorbed in her own issues. Maybe it wasn’t a teenage thing. Maybe it had to do with life being exciting. New.
It was always like that for her kids. Bless them. It was like that right now for her. Bless Boone.
She looked at his strong profile as he pulled the car up into the front of his parents’ massive home. Yes, things were definitely exciting with him. But somehow, not easy. And you would think that if you had wanted a man for fifteen years, the coming together would be the easy part.
But maybe that was the problem. Something was holding him back. And she could understand there were logical things. There were things that had been holding her back.
But maybe that was the problem. Maybe she had to go all in.
You’ve done that before.
Yes. She had. She had gone all in with Daniel. But it wasn’t the same.
It just wasn’t.
Boone...
Maybe calling it love now, this early, was a little bit foolish.
But maybe she felt a little bit foolish.
Maybe she was foolish. Certainly jumping into bed with a man on the rebound was somewhat typical behavior, but falling for the idea that it might be something more? There was almost no chance of anybody making that mistake unless they were doing it willingly.
Willfully even.
But what if it wasn’t a mistake? What if it was him? What if it was always supposed to be him? Or maybe, even more beautifully, it was supposed to be him now, and the way she had felt about him up until this point was essential to being brought here to this moment.
Maybe.
But as she stared at his profile, intently, she just knew something.
She wasn’t entirely sure what. But it was certain and settled in her soul. And the one thing she couldn’t do in response was hold herself back.
She had to be all in. She had to be his.
“Let’s go in,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said, looking at her and forcing a smile.
Wendy felt heavy, but she got out of the truck, and the girls followed suit.
“Is Tansey Martin really going to be here?” Mikey asked her mom, her eyes large.
“Yes. Why would I say that if it wasn’t true?”
“To try and beat Sadie out of her room.”
“I would never try and beat Sadie with something as basic as a pop-country crossover star. Sadie is not that basic.”
“I’m basic,” said Mikey.
“Mom,” said Sadie. “You make me sound like a snob.”
“I’m not making you sound like a snob. You are a snob. But it’s okay. You’re fifteen. It’s your right.”
“Tansey is very nearly my sister-in-law. I assume you know about the song,” said Boone.
“Yes,” said Mikey seriously. “We watched the short film.”
“You should make sure to tell Flint that. He loves it. He’s a huge fan. It did great things for his life.”
Wendy looked at him in warning. “Don’t tell teenagers things like that. They’ll do it.”
“I’m counting on it.”
“What are you supposed to do when there’s just, like, a famous person there?” Sadie asked.
“You just, like, eat your hamburger,” Boone said, grinning at her.
Sadie smiled, which was glorious for Wendy to see.
Boone was so good with them.
They had a dad. But Boone would make a great masculine figure to have in their lives. He was protective. He was fun.
She wanted him.
He would make her happy.
Or at least contribute quite a bit to her happiness. That would help everybody.
Just jump in feetfirst. You’re already there.
The Carson family home was massive, and beautiful, with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the craggy mountains and rustic decor throughout.
It was filled with all the siblings—even Boone’s sister Callie, who Wendy knew vaguely from the rodeo. That was the great thing. It wasn’t a room full of strangers. She knew Boone’s parents, and she knew all his brothers, even if only in passing.
She had spent enough time at the circuit to feel like they were family in many ways.
“And how are you finding the single life?” This question came from Abe Carson.
“I’m not technically single,” she said, grateful her daughters were occupied across the room. Talking to Tansey, who was warm and wonderful and actually not at all intimidating.
“Philosophically,” said Abe.
“Thanks, Dad,” said Boone.
“I see,” said Abe. “Well, hurry up and get that divorce finalized so my son can make an honest woman out of you.”
Her scalp prickled. “Well, I am happy to move it quickly.”
She didn’t see the point in protesting. Because hell, she kind of wanted Boone to make an honest woman out of her. Or a dishonest one. She just wanted to be with him. And her parameters for what that could look like were becoming quite elastic. At first, she had been a bit concerned about her girls knowing she was sleeping with a man she wasn’t married to. But if they had a relationship... She was willing to have a serious and grown-up talk about it. Because this was life, and it was messy. She was in a situation she hadn’t chosen, but she didn’t have to be miserable.
“Actually, Wendy is looking for some new work. You know she managed Daniel.”
“She could manage you,” said Abe. “And there are some other guys I know who would love to have competent representation.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to be anybody’s favorite, considering I just kicked their buddy to the curb.”
“If they have half a brain then he’s not their favorite. I’ve never had patience for a man who would go out for cheap ground beef when he had filet mignon at home.”
“Seems to me,” Flint said from across the room, “that it’s the man with quality issues, not the woman.”
“Sorry, son,” said Abe. “I know I’m not woke.”
“I don’t think I’m woke,” said Flint. “I just like women.”
Wendy couldn’t help but smile at the exchange.
They were a good family. Everybody involved was just... They cared about each other. And it didn’t matter if they disagreed about things or saw things differently, they cared about each other. It felt different than what she’d imagined family might be. It had just been her and her mother after all.
And now it was her and the girls.
But even though she had a good relationship with Sadie and Mikey, it hadn’t quite been this. Or at least, it had never quite been this between herself and Daniel. Because one thing she noticed was the way Abe and his wife interacted with each other.
There was an ease to them. And she didn’t think she and Daniel had ever had that ease.
She looked at Boone. She wanted to feel it with him.
But she had a feeling if she put her hand on his, he would pull away, and she didn’t want that.
She felt like they could have something easy and wonderful.
If only they were brave enough to take the chance.
So she got up from her position on the couch and moved over to him, sitting next to him. It was a fairly unambiguous move.
No one said anything, but they all looked.
The other reason she couldn’t go putting her hand on him just yet was the girls.
She needed to talk to them. At least, it felt like she should.
Not to get their permission, just to give them a warning. A heads-up. Her mother had never dated when Wendy was growing up, because her father had done such a number on her she had never wanted a man in her life again. It made Wendy sad, in hindsight.
And maybe the only way Sadie and Mikey would ever be able to understand Wendy wanting to be with somebody else was going to be in hindsight. Or maybe that assumption wasn’t fair to them.
“We should go shooting,” said Jace.
“What in the redneck?” Cara asked.
“It’s a Carson family tradition. We love a good target practice.”
Callie looked at her husband. “Will you stay with the baby?”
“Sure,” he said.
“I’ll stay with the baby,” said Callie’s mother. “You can all go shoot. I don’t mind.”
“Can I watch?” Mikey asked.
“Sure,” said Wendy.
She had a feeling they were all going out for target practice.
“I guess I’ll go,” said Sadie, keeping an eye on Tansey, obviously curious about whether or not her new best friend was going.
“Sounds great,” said Tansey brightly.
And so with that, they all trooped outside.
“We like to shoot up this way near this big gravel pit. It’s got good secure backings so the bullets don’t go drifting off anywhere they shouldn’t.”
“Good to know.”
“My dad has extra ear protection in the shed.”
“Oh good. So as far as adventurous activities go...”
“This one is occurring in a well-controlled fashion. No worries.”
“I wasn’t actually worried. I know you would never do anything to put yourself or the girls in danger.”
He looked down at her, the exchange between them feeling weighty. Significant.
“I wouldn’t,” he said.
The girls were behind them, and so she didn’t take his hand. But she did bump her shoulder against his, and he looked down, smiling. She smiled back.
“I like you.”
He looked a little bit like she had hit him in the side of the head. “I like you too.”
It felt pale in comparison to what she was actually feeling, but she didn’t know how to say the other things. She didn’t know what else to say.
It felt sharp and dangerous still. And this was the problem with never having been good at math. Order of operations was something she struggled with. She wanted to kiss him now. In front of everybody. Because there was a significant part of her that had already realized she had to go all in. That had already realized there was no going back. That had already realized she would never be able to quit him, never be able to forget him.
And there would be no protecting herself from any manner of heartbreak.
She would be heartbroken to lose him. Whether she told him she was in love with him or not. Whether she said she wanted everything or not.
Whether she did the important work of extricating herself from her marriage, and then tried to do some healing on her own, she was always going to come back to him. So she might as well... She just might as well.
Put herself out there. But there were ways that she needed to go about it. She knew that.
So she just smiled, and she kept like as the word, even though it wasn’t enough. Not even close.
When they got up to the gravel pit, she and the girls put on ear protection and hung back while they took turns shooting things. Targets, yes, some kind of jelly target that healed itself. And also water jugs. Which did not heal themselves, but exploded grandly.
Mikey was very invested in the spectacle, and Sadie pretended to be just a little bit too cool. But ended up enjoying it all the same. Wendy could tell by the small smile on her face.
She felt a rush of euphoria right then. This could be their family.
Don’t rush ahead of yourself and start glorifying all of this. They’re just people. And they’re not going to fix the difficult situation you’re in.
No. That was what she had to be extra careful about.
Boone wasn’t a crutch. He never would be. He was more than that.
And she felt...scared. It reminded her of old times.
She didn’t like it.
But she really did want him and all these things that he came with. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
She knew all these things he could do for her. All these things he had done for her.
And yes, she was working for him, but it wasn’t the same.
She wanted to think of something she could do for him.
He felt so much responsibility toward everybody in his life.
And she didn’t want to be just another responsibility to him. She wanted to be something more.
She watched as he shouldered the rifle, and she squeezed her thighs together, because whether she should or not, she was always going to find that hot.
Or maybe it was just him. And he could breathe and she would experience a pulse of arousal. Entirely possible. The man had an extreme effect on her.
He blew up the water jug with one shot, and she laughed and clapped. She couldn’t help herself.
Maybe it was a little juvenile. But she felt juvenile, she’d already admitted that. This felt new. Wonderful. Terrifying.
And she wanted it. All of it.
They had target practice contests, and in the end it was their sister Callie who bested everybody. Afterward, they hoisted her up on their shoulders, while she screeched in protest, and Tansey, Wendy and the girls clapped. Cara pretended to be furious, while Shelby and Juniper made grand shows out of being gracious losers, since they had competed as well.
When they started the walk back, Flint was up with his sister, and Wendy lagged behind with her girls.
“I want to tell you something,” said Wendy.
“What?” asked Sadie.
This was dangerous. Because the girls could make a big scene right here. But...she didn’t really care.
Mostly because she just wasn’t ashamed of any of it. If they had a bad reaction to it, they were going to have to deal with it.
“I just wanted to let you know that I...that I like Boone.”
“Of course you do,” said Mikey. “He’s cool.”
“No, Mikey. I...I like like Boone.”
Both the girls stopped walking. “You’re not serious?” Sadie asked.
“I am. And I wanted to tell you before...”
“Before what?” Sadie asked.
“Just before. That’s all. Before anyone else.”
“You’re not even divorced yet,” said Sadie.
“I know. I’m just being honest. And maybe it’s premature. I don’t know what’s going to happen, if anything. Entirely possible nothing . But I just like him.”
It wasn’t Sadie who reacted. It wasn’t Sadie who had an explosion. To Mikey’s credit, it wasn’t an explosion. But she put her head down, and she ran ahead. She wasn’t quite in a group with anyone, but she held herself with her head down, and walked, and Wendy was too stunned to catch up with her. She felt frozen, and kept walking at the pace she’d been walking at before, uncertain of what to do. She really hated all the uncertainty.
“It’s weird,” said Sadie.
“I know,” said Wendy.
“She’ll get over it.”
She looked at Sadie. “Are you over it?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s weird because... Because it hasn’t been that long. But he’s been really nice to us, and I know he makes you happy. You haven’t been happy. And really, you shouldn’t be. You left just a few weeks ago, and everything’s been crazy, and you were not happy until we got here.”
“But you’re not especially happy here, are you?”
“I don’t know. I do know that I wasn’t happy back home either. I’m trying to be. But this is all weird, and it’s a change.”
“I want you girls to be happy. And I would never do anything to compromise that.”
“That’s the thing. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do one way or the other. Sometimes we’re just unhappy.”
It was clarity from her oldest daughter that she hadn’t really expected. But she could understand the truth there. They were teenagers. And she wasn’t going to be able to make them happy. Not all the time.
“Okay. I accept that. But I do want you to know that I love you,” she said. “No matter what. And all this stuff... I don’t want it to make you afraid.”
“What?”
“We haven’t talked that much about what it was like for me growing up. But for good reasons, my mom was afraid of some things. And she made me afraid of them too. And I don’t want my issues to become yours. I have them. Of course I do. And you can have your own. Like you said, you can’t be happy all the time. Because you have your own life. I’m not in charge of that. But I love you, and I’m here for you. And to the best of my ability, I don’t want the stuff I’m going through to mess with you. If you’re miserable here, I want you to tell me. But I think I want to try to make a life with Boone. I don’t know if he’s going to want that with me.”
“Okay. I guess that’s...fair.”
She could tell Sadie wasn’t exactly overjoyed, but she didn’t look upset or outraged either.
“I’ll talk to Mikey.”
“Maybe you should talk to Boone first,” said Sadie.
“Well, what if Mikey can’t deal?” She hated all this fear. This fear that made up her life. She’d been so certain that marrying Daniel had gotten rid of it, but it hadn’t. She was stitched together by fear, her whole life a patchwork quilt. Hunger, fear, then family, love. But the thread was fear either way.
She’d been so scared of losing Daniel, of losing her stability, and now she had. She was afraid of messing things up with her kids, afraid of losing Boone...
There was just so much to be afraid of. And it was what she’d known from the time she was a kid.
“Mikey is twelve,” said Sadie. “I don’t think you should go making decisions based on her moods.”
“I could apply the same thing to you.”
“I know. You shouldn’t make decisions because of me. You’re the adult.”
She was the adult. But she was a freaked-out adult.
Still, she had to act like the adult.
And maybe as much as she wanted to be gentle with her kids right now, there was a merit in setting boundaries too. And in that, she supposed Sadie was right. Maybe she had to figure herself out first. She had a little bit of that epiphany earlier. But there was a certain amount of happiness she had to find before she could be the best parent.
This conversation with Sadie was confirming it. Removing barriers and obstacles she had put in her own way.
“Okay. I’ll sort it out with Boone.”
“He is nice. It’ll be weird for you to be with someone that isn’t Dad. But...”
“Yeah, life is weird. I guess if you’ve learned one thing from me, I don’t want this to scar you, but it’s not the worst thing to learn, it’s that life changes. And sometimes the best thing you can do is just go with it.”
So she was going to go with it. Whether it was smart or advised or not anything of the kind. She was going to go with it because it was her life. And it didn’t matter what best practices were. She was living. And it was messy. Real. One of her kids understood, and one of them didn’t. She wasn’t going to get a one hundred percent buy-in here. She was just going to have to love them.
And herself.
And Boone.
And in the end she was going to have to hope it was enough.
Because fate might’ve put her in his path all those years ago, but fate wasn’t going to make the right decisions for her now. Only she could do that.
She had resisted for a while. But what she wanted was going to require some work. So she was going to have to get busy.