Chapter Thirteen
“I need an intervention,” Boone said.
He looked at Kit and Jace and Chance and Flint, sitting in chairs in a half circle, and folded his hands.
“Okay. For what?” Kit asked.
“Dumb emotional shit. Go. Fix me. How are you all in love? Tell me.”
“Because there was no choice,” said Chance.
“None whatsoever,” said Kit. “I wanted Shelby for years, and once I could ever—
“I convinced myself that I didn’t want Cara,” said Jace. “But I was lying to myself.”
“Great. How did you not lie to yourself? I’m familiar with wanting somebody for years. And not having them. Shelby was the same as Wendy. She was married to somebody else, so tell me how you fix it. Because you need to help me fix it.”
“Wendy?”
“She loves me,” he said. “I love her. I love her and I just... I imagine... What if I lose her? What if I mess it up?”
“Yeah. That’s scary,” said Kit. “It’s damned scary. I got Shelby pregnant, so I kind of had to figure it out, didn’t I?”
“But now you aren’t scared.”
“Shit, dude, I have a baby. I’m scared all the time.”
“All the time,” said Jace. “We don’t even have kids.”
“What?”
“Why do you think I broke up with Tansey? The first time. The last time. I’m never breaking up with her again, but it was because I was terrified,” said Flint. “We had it hard.”
“So hard,” said Chance. “You never get over having someone in your family die like we did. Not really.”
“Hell, I closed off all my feelings. My hope of anything. I didn’t believe in miracles of any kind. Because that belief failed me when Sophia died,” said Jace. “Which was why I didn’t see that Cara was a miracle. She was another chance to find that kind of hope again.”
“Shelby and I have both been through loss,” said Kit. “She loved her husband. Chuck was a great guy. I know she would’ve loved him for the rest of her life. I also know that life is just... It can be merciless sometimes. But she got to love him for the amount of time she had him. Just like I got to love Sophia while she was here. And I will love Shelby, I’ll love our son. No matter what. No matter the cost. Because it’s worth it. It just is. Loving people has only ever made us better. So even though it hurts, we cling to that.”
“But you’re not...afraid?”
His brothers laughed. “Hell no. When you care about things life feels high stakes,” said Chance. “I love Juniper more than anything else in the world. I’m not worried I’m going to mess it up, because it drives me. No, I can’t guarantee anything. But she’s the reason I wake up every day. My life changed because of her. And I don’t regret a damned thing about it. I never could. I would never live a life where I didn’t love her.”
“But I just thought that if I loved her, and made her life better...”
“I would never live a life where she didn’t love me ,” said Chance. “It’s hard. When you’ve been through the kinds of things we have, it’s really hard to accept the fact that you can’t protect yourself. Because if you do, you’re just living half a life. You gotta let her love you. You could have her, you could have stepkids, and kids. You can have a house full of love.”
“It’s just...it’s so much easier to be a martyr about it.” As he said it, he knew it was true. “To just tell myself I have all these responsibilities to people. To call it that is not love. To call it that and not... I don’t know what to do about how unfair the world is. I don’t know what to do with Buck leaving. With Sophia dying. I used to have hope, and it didn’t get me anything so now I do things instead of feel them. I’m just trying not to grieve the losses I’ve already had. And trying not to ever earn any more grief.”
“It’s okay to grieve.” That came from Flint. “It’s another expression of love.”
“It just feels risky.”
“It is. But you have to ask yourself, what’s life without risk? We are bull riders. We’re a fucking metaphor. Accept it.”
He laughed. “I don’t think I’m actually all that brave. I’d rather throw myself on the back of a bull than... Than let myself hope. And have that hope get destroyed.”
It was too vivid in his mind even now.
That burning bright certainty he’d had that Sophia would get better because the world couldn’t be that cruel.
And then it was.
“But hope is what it’s all about. I read that somewhere. Faith, hope and love. Without them, what’s the point?”
He couldn’t answer that. He didn’t know what the point was without Wendy.
He needed her.
He needed her, and that was the truth.
And maybe that was the miracle. Nothing else seemed as terrifying now. Nothing but not having her. After living that way for all these years, he’d thought it was the safe thing. The easy thing.
But he wanted more now.
Looking around at his brothers, he thought more just might be possible. Maybe everything was.
Maybe that was healing. Maybe that was the miracle of love.
To live in a world, a broken, pain-filled world, and be able to want love, no matter the cost.
Suddenly it was like all the walls were gone. Torn down. Suddenly it was like he could see clearly.
This was life.
And it did matter what he wanted. What he wanted might hurt him. Might kill them.
But he wanted it all the same. And actually, maybe he would be the rodeo commissioner. Maybe not. He realized that none of it had mattered because all he really wanted this whole time was Wendy.
So he was going to have to win her back.
Wendy was just getting out of the car with the girls when Boone pulled up to the cottage in his truck.
“Wendy,” he said, looking wild-eyed. “I love you.”
She blinked. “Okay.”
“I love you and I want to be with you. Fuck everything else. Sorry. Screw everything else.”
The girls exchanged a look.
“Boone...”
“I love you.” And then he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Then she lost herself a little bit, it was impossible not to.
“Boone,” she said, looking at Mikey and Sadie, who were staring at them both.
“Sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, and there’s another part of this conversation,” he said. “And it includes the two of you.”
She had just been talking to the girls about how she’d seen Daniel, and how he wanted to see them. This was all very inconvenient timing.
But it was life. And it was happening. A lot of feelings, a lot of un-ideal sorts of moments clashing with each other.
“I’m not trying to take your dad’s spot, because he’s your dad. But I’ve known you since you were born, and I care about you. And I love your mom. And I’d be happy if you were all right with that.”
“Everything is changing,” Mikey said sadly.
“I know,” said Boone. “And I don’t like it, either, quite frankly. I just about messed everything up so I could keep some things the same. Because nobody likes change. I can’t say that I’ve been happy all these years by myself. But it seemed pretty safe. And I was happy with that. So when your mom said she wanted to be with me, I said no. But I realized that I’m more afraid of not having her in my life. More afraid of not sharing a house with all three of you. More afraid of what the future looks like if you’re not my family. I want you to be.” He cleared his throat. “I... I have hope, Mikey. Even if I’m not certain. And I’m tired of living without hope.”
And it was like Mikey realized for the first time that adults had feelings. Feelings and fears and all of this scared them too.
“Oh.”
“I care about both you girls a lot,” he reiterated, his voice hoarse. “I care about whether or not you’re happy.”
“I want my mom to be happy,” Sadie said. “And you should be happy too.”
“We should be happy,” Boone said, looking at Wendy.
“Boone,” she said, wrapping her arms around him and just hugging him. Because the connection between them had been more than sex. And she wanted to show him that now.
And also not make out with him in front of her kids. Because they were asking a whole lot of the girls, and she didn’t need to traumatize them on top of it.
“What changed?” she asked.
“I accepted that there was always going to be some level of risk. I accepted that I had to let love be bigger than my fear. And you know what? I just don’t feel afraid anymore.”
And neither did she. Because the love inside of her was too big for that.
This was fate. Nothing less than waiting, stumbling through the darkness blind, fighting through all the issues they were beset by.
Grabbing hold of each other and refusing to let go.
It was that simple.
“I dreamed that at my brother’s wedding, I crossed the room and kissed you,” he said, keeping his voice low. “I dreamed it every night for weeks. And it’s funny, I thought because you were off-limits there wasn’t anything to learn from that except that I wanted you and couldn’t have you. But there was. It was up to me to cross the room.”
“And now it’s up to us to hold on.”
“I’m never letting go now. You know...you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“What’s for dinner?” Mikey asked.
“Meatloaf,” she said.
And it hadn’t even broken the moment. Both girls went in the house and Wendy just stood there in Boone’s arms.
Finally.
“I think this is going to work,” he said. “I have hope. In you.”
She smiled. “Good. Because I love you.”
“That’s all I need.”