Chapter 23 When did you know you were in love?
When did you know you were in love? When you wanted nothing more than to be with them, or when not being with them also did not diminish your feelings for them?
Amaal had fallen into that pit. In a matter of weeks, Samar had undone the years of vacuum that they had both painstakingly filled between them.
Courtesy had broken into brutal candid hits, and now they were again here, with a rejection.
This time, it had not hit as hard as last time, because this time she knew a bit of where it came from.
She was disgusted at her own actions, too.
She had known he was grieving, she had seen something had flipped inside him, she had promised to be there on the sidelines, no strings attached.
And then she had gone and taken that moment for herself.
It was unconscious, but that did not make it right.
If he hadn’t stopped, she knew she wouldn’t have been able to.
What was it about him that made her forget everything?
He wasn’t the most handsome man in the room. He wasn’t the most charismatic. He wasn’t even the most kind or the most honest. And yet, the heart wanted what it wanted.
As the Media Room around her ran in frenzy, planning KDP’s upcoming Ladakh tour, she sat with her eyes on a report on her laptop. Not reading. Just staring. At the photograph of Samar, Atharva, Adil and Qureshi headlining it. At Samar.
The man who did not smile, even if his mouth was curled for the photograph.
He had lost the love of his life, and his baby.
In the military. How had this never occurred to her?
She had always thought that he was the way he was because of his rumoured capture by the Pakistanis.
Nobody knew much about that, except for whispers that he had been a prisoner of war.
That alone could alter a man’s brain wiring. Add to it this…
“Hey.” Iram’s voice made her look up from her laptop. Amaal smiled — “Hi.”
“I emailed you the Ladakh starters. You said it’s urgent. Do you have notes for me?”
“Oh… I haven’t gotten around to it. Give me an hour.”
Iram’s brows furrowed. She glanced around the room, then sat down on the chair beside her.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes.” Amaal held her smile. “Why?”
Iram looked at her for a second, then shook her head. “I thought you looked distracted, and a little… sad.”
“Nope. Perfectly fine.”
Iram’s eyes softened, then shrugged. “Maybe it’s me.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
She gave a humourless chuckle. “Nothing.”
“Something is.” Amaal turned to her, lowering her voice. “Is it our beloved Party President?”
She shook her head — “I can’t seem to get through to him sometimes. Is it a curse of a soldier or what?”
Amaal didn’t know what to say without giving away how she was floating in the same boat.
“Everything happened so fast, maybe we jumped too fast. But he was so convinced from the get-go. Convinced me too. He has pulled this for a while, maybe now it’s my turn.
Maybe that’s how it will always be, taking turns to pull through.
And I am ready if he is, and if I can just know what’s going on in his head. It’s like a vault.”
Amaal related to it all. Except that Samar hadn’t been pushing for what Atharva had pushed for with Iram. And there lay the answer to her unasked questions.
This was love — pathetic, one-sided love which was never going to be reciprocated. And she was a woman touching thirty, not a new adult who could brush it off as a passing infatuation. If she went any deeper, she would not be able to return. Or live a normal life with a normal man.
“Forget I ranted, I am sorry to do this in the middle of a workday…” Iram began to get up.
“It’s alright,” Amaal produced a grin. “Always nice to take a break.”
Iram chuckled — “And get some gossip.”
“You know it’s sealed with me.” Amaal affirmed.
“I do,” Iram nodded. “Thank you, Amaal.” She pushed the chair back and walked into the storm that was the room. Amaal turned back to her screen, trying to read the lines that were looking like Hebrew.
She would have to fill the vacuum between them again. Maybe it would buy them another four years. And maybe, once this election was over, this proximity would be too. And it would buy them peace forever.
————————————————————
Samar set his overnight bag in the back of his Innova and kept the dickey open for the members to stuff it with the myriad promotional materials.
“Don’t fill the third row,” he warned the boys stowing material into any and every available space. His mobile pinged. Samar unlocked it, and his mouth tightened.
SS
Is Iram staying back in Srinagar?
He did not respond, closing the app and looking around. “Is everybody ready?”
“Fahad is gathering everyone. Another hour for sure.”
Samar strode up the main house, only to find Noora hauling a trolley bag — “What is that?”
“My clothes.”
Samar eyed the extra-large bag. “Find Fahad and tell him to gather everyone in twenty minutes. We need to reach Sonamarg before 11 am.”
“I will drive fast, don’t worry.”
“Go.”
Noora ran, his trolley hurtling over the steps. Samar walked into the main hall and turned towards Atharva’s office. The alley was peaceful today, all the noise transferred outside. He passed the Media Room and stopped short. Amaal’s voice echoed.
Samar pushed the half-open door ajar and found her sitting on a high stool, turned towards the window, talking on the phone.
“…but only if Toru Ray is confirmed… come on, Khalil, of course. Yes… They are leaving right now. Extra points if you cover the journey… hmmm?” She burst into a short laugh. “Fuck you!”
“Hmm… mmm hmm… I will email you the itinerary. Atharva Singh Kaul will be in all those places, but I’d also appreciate two separate crews — one for Meer Qureshi and one for Samar Dixit…
Haan, so they are splitting mid-way and covering the whole of Ladakh before convening again in Leh… Mmm… no, I am right here.”
Samar stiffened.
“I will be in Delhi tomorrow for a day… yes, oh no no, no problem. Mom is there too but I won’t get more than an hour with her before I fly back here…
mmm, she has a school reunion with Jameela Aunty and their friends…
mmm hmm… cool, I’ll see you if I see you, no need to rush on my behalf. Bye-bye.”
Samar stood there, silent, as she ended the call and set her mobile down on the windowsill, back still to him. She did not even know he was standing there. More seconds passed, and she remained unaware. She pulled open the window and hollered out — “Saad bhai!”
The chaos outside was loud.
“Saad bhai!”
Samar observed as she kept calling out to their gardener through the noise.
“Saad bhai! Suniye!”
“Haan, beta?[87]” Their old gardener came running to the window.
“Atharva Bhai ne kaha hai ki paas wale ghar mein bhi paani dalna hai.[88]”
“Ji.[89]”
“Aur yaha ke liye seb ke beej aa gaye?[90]”
“Mangaye hai, Itvaar tak aane chahiye.[91]”
“Badam aur Chinar ke saath-saath, ab seb bhi khilayenge.[92]”
“Saalon lag jaayenge.[93]”
“Toh kya hua, kabhi toh ugenge.[94]”
Saad bhai moved along with his watering pipe. And Amaal stood there, fixated on him. Samar stood there, fixated on her.
“Usme nahi!” She hollered. “Maine kal hi dala tha. Ab parso daalna. Aur Lily ki mitti badalni hai![95]”
Her mobile rang. She pressed it to her ear — “Ms. Bhattacharya, hello! How are you…? I am very well, thank you… Umm hmm… of course, we’d love to talk about it.
Why don’t I redirect you to our PR associate, Saba Ahmed.
But I’d request you to arrange for it before 12th May.
Circuit will prevent the leaders from appearing in any public events 48 hours before voting begins…
sure thing. I’ll share her contact right after this call… ”
She finished the call and turned, her thumbs on her mobile, head buried in it. She looked up, and staggered back. “Sa…! You scared me…”
“You are not coming?”
“No.”
Samar stepped inside the room and pushed the door. It didn’t click shut, which was what he needed. The last thing he wanted was to start rumours. Atharva and Iram were enough gossip in this party.
“Why?”
“It’s good this way.”
“Good for whom?”
“Excuse me?”
“You work for the party.”
Her face hardened. “And I can handle it well.”
“I didn’t mean it like that… I don’t want KDP to suffer because of…”
“Don’t say it.”
“Me.”
“You give yourself too much credit if you think it’s you.”
If not him, then what was it? He could help her with anything other than himself.
“What is it?”
“This time I am telling you to not push it.”
“What’s the problem, Amaal?”
“Me!”
Samar stilled.
“I am the problem. I am sorry for what happened that night. You have made your boundaries clear, not once but twice. I am unable to stay on my side. This is destroying whatever normalcy there was between us.”
Samar remained silent, absorbing those punches and hating that they were falling on her just as badly.
“I am…” she scoffed. “It’s gone beyond just liking…”
He opened his mouth, but she cut him off — “And before you blame my age again, I am not asking for your validation.”
Samar shut his mouth.
Seconds ticked.
“You won’t be travelling with me,” he managed. “Your place was with the primary convoy and Atharva.”
“I know.”
“Why aren’t you coming then?” He gritted.
“You know why.”
“No I don’t know why!” Samar found himself raging. For what, he didn't know. But he couldn’t accept that she was stepping back from her work, from what she loved because of him.
“You would never be able to know, Samar.” Her voice went low, watery, when he had expected her to snarl back.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“That’s what. You don’t know what I am talking about and I cannot bear to talk and not have you understand…”
“Please, Amaal, don’t, ok? Stop.”
“Don’t worry, I am not confessing or forcing you to respond. I know you have loved once.”
Love? That was love? How could it be? Sia
Chaturvedi was the only woman he had ever cared about, thought about. And now she was gone.
“Then you should know that I will not be able to do that again,” Samar retorted, hoping to make her snap out. Register it, accept it, move on. Get back to normal!
Her eyes, the cerulean blue sparkling eyes, began to shimmer. He looked away.
“I thought you were coming, Amaal, I just…”
“No, I am not. I should learn to live away from you…” her voice went low. “… If I come, then this trip will make it difficult to learn that.”
“Who will handle the media?”
“Fahad is more than capable of handling them.” Her voice hardened. “I will be working from here and as it is, someone needs to operate from home ground.”
“Ok,” he swallowed. "But if there ever is a point where you are stepping back from something because of me, I want you to let me know.”
“Two months are left. We will not be working this closely after that. Don’t worry, it won’t last.”
“It won’t.” He agreed, and prayed, and pleaded.
Samar turned, opened the door and lifted one foot to step out. For the first time, the foot fell heavy on the path moving away from her.