Chapter 49 #2
She kept shaking her hair out, looking out. Her chin was grabbed in his palm and he raised her face. Her stomach clenched. But that was it. Physical. He took over physically, but emotionally, he was nowhere. And where she found him, he often cut her with his words or deeds or silences.
“Look here, I said,” he clipped, dark eyes holding hers taut. Like a string. The steel inside her made her immune to that gaze.
“I am looking.”
“Then tell me why the question of marriage made you go like this.”
“Because you are asking for nikahnama, not marriage.”
“I am sure I did not say nikahnama.”
“It’s a need. If that aunty hadn’t cornered me downstairs, would you have asked?”
He stared, unblinking, silent.
“Would Atharva have asked Iram if those photos hadn’t leaked?”
She scoffed, letting out a bitter laugh — “You are still fixated on Atharva.” Amaal jerked her chin out of his hold.
“I am not! I just cited an example!” He yelled. “It’s been crazy this year. How do you expect me to think ahead when I am still learning to walk without limping!”
“I do not expect you to think ahead.”
“You do. You are dissatisfied with what I can give you…”
“Stop!” She shot to her feet. “Fucking stop right there.”
His eyes widened.
“Do not hit me more than you can heal some day, that is if you even figure it out.” Amaal raised her voice, her throat vibrating. “I have never asked you for more than you can give me. I have never asked you for anything except to stay. To live. To breathe…”
“Breathing is not enough!” “And you go and let everybody else see your scars but me!”
He stilled.
“Breathing is not enough, yeah?” Amaal smiled.
“Breathing is not enough.” She smiled to herself.
“How is breathing fucking not enough when I did not breathe that first entire fucking first week you were in there not knowing you will make it?! How am I so stupid that I keep fighting, keep drinking all your poison and keep waking up every day expecting it to become better today?”
“Poison?”
Amaal gaped at him. And she couldn’t hold it back — “Poison.” She asserted. “Poison. Do you not see it? You either drink it all and die inside like you did after SFF or you spit it at the first person in front of you without thinking!”
“That’s who I am!” He snarled. “You saw it, you liked it, you asked for it, you got it!”
“But that’s the problem, no?” Amaal snarled back. “I did not get it. I got your poison, but not you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Why? Apparently I am not strong enough, your enough to see those scars but Atharva gets to see it. You are ok with complete strangers seeing it, your physio seeing it…”
“You saw it!”
“After begging my way to it!”
“What else can you expect from a man who is so ashamed of his body from a woman who is perfect?!”
She stopped, panting, not dropping his stare.
“You want all of me?” He stepped closer, kept coming, making her step back. “You want to feel the leather on my back? You want the sandpaper here to rub on your perfect breasts?” He pointed to his chest. “You want to see this melted flesh beside your smooth skin in the mirror?”
She stopped, backed into the window.
“No.” He announced.
“Don’t talk for me when I have clearly stated that I do not care about any of that! When I have laid everything bare!” She snarled, even when backed into a corner. “When you can’t even tell me that you are struggling with your erection.”
He froze.
“If you know it, then why are you throwing it in my face?”
“I am not throwing it in your face, I am asking why you can’t tell me these things.
On one side, if you want marriage and not nikahnama then why can’t I see your scars, know about your struggles, see what’s wrong?
Have I not supported you in whatever life threw at you until now?
Have I not proved myself to you over and over again to earn that position yet?
Am I not enough to become your safe place? ”
He opened his mouth but she beat him to it — “Think. Think hard and think really deep, Samar. Because I have been brushing everything under the rug to keep the peace and give you time. But I have been a fool in doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. It stops now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s better if I go home.”
His eyes narrowed. “No.”
“Did I ask you?”
“You will.”
She pushed her face up to his — “Fuck you.”
“You will ask.” His face dipped closer. “And I will say no.”
“You did not want me to move in here. What happened, Samar?”
“You are not leaving me.” He bit out, looking desperate.
“I am not living with you.”
He opened his mouth and again she cut him — “And yes, I agree, this is not living together. We have never lived together. We have lived under a roof. And now that you are ok, I will go back to living under my roof.”
“You will not leave me!”
“You cannot stop me.”
“You will not break up with me! This is it now. You brought me back, you bloody well know what you did screaming into my head to live and now you will not leave me to rot in this hell without you…”
“I am not breaking up with you.”
His mouth snapped shut.
“I am not a coward who runs at the first sign of problems. That’s you, Samar.
I am right here. But living in the same house as you, making you uncomfortable, making this feeling worse…
don’t you see we are more distanced than we were when we used to meet once a month?
I want to have children with you one day.
I want to build a family with you one day.
How is that going to be possible if I am constantly on edge thinking what will he say to me next?
You are living reactively like everything is a threat! This needs to stop.”
“Don’t go, I’ll… I’ll shift into the hall. You go to the bedroom, make that your space, I should have pushed for that long back. You shift inside, I will figure things out for myself. I… I will think with you here, you don’t even have to look at me, I will not misbehave or talk back…”
Her eyes glazed over. “You have never in your life misbehaved with me, Samar.”
“Then stay! Please. Stay.”
She shook her head, looking down. He stalked somewhere and came back to grip her chin, raising her face to his — “Take the keys.” He pressed the keys of the flat into her hand. “I will go. You stay. I will…”
“Samar.”
He stopped.
“I am going.” She said. “I am anyway going to Jammu next week. I will be there until summer. It doesn’t make a difference…”
“And when you return?”
“We’ll see.”
“And if I want to come to Jammu too? Stay there in your bungalow?”
She swallowed, and looked away.
“So, because I can’t give you what you need you leave?”
“Do not make this a bad break!” She snapped. “Don’t spit your poison at me.”
He ground his mouth shut. “This is not a break.” He spat from between closed lips.
She remained silent.
“Amaal.” He threatened, grabbing her waist. “This is not a break. You are shifting to Jammu because your work is there for the next few months. That’s it.”
“Whatever you make of it, but remember — I am not coming back to an environment like this.”
He recoiled. He stared at her for a long moment, then nodded.
“Thank you.” She finally let her breath relax.
“But you are not going anywhere until you fly to Jammu. I will move your things to the bedroom…”
“No.”
“Everything is as you said, this will happen like I want.”
“No, Sa…”
He turned and stalked away. “Did I ask you?”