Chapter 2
2
Aidan had been an A I honestly wasn’t sure if she was going to make it.’ Aidan looked at Danni, and then turned to Esther, another of the nurses in the team, who he also counted as a close friend. Life in A fast and shallow. Like he was trying his hardest to get more air in, but it just wasn’t happening.’ Felix’s father looked from Aidan to Danni. ‘I googled the symptoms. It’s meningitis, isn’t it?’
‘It’s too early to say, but we are going to be testing for it. We can get the results really quickly and, if it is that, we can give Felix the right treatment as soon as possible.’ Danni had a knack for making it all sound so simple and Aidan had seen how reassuring that was to patients and their family members. Even if things turned out to be far tricker than that, it was what people in the midst of a traumatic situation needed to hear. ‘We’ll also give Felix a top-to-toe check over, to see if there are any other symptoms we need to take into consideration.’
‘I’ll make a start.’ Aidan moved closer to the end of the bed, turning back towards Danni within seconds. ‘Felix’s feet are very cold.’
‘I’ll check his hands.’ Danni moved further up, but before she could even give her verdict, Aidan caught his breath, spotting a sign that made his heart sink all over again. Just below the bottom of the little boy’s pyjama trousers was the start of an obvious rash.
‘Danni.’ Keeping his voice low, he shot her a look and pulled Felix’s pyjama leg up slightly higher.
‘Okay, we need to organise a lumbar puncture and a CT scan.’
‘I’m on it.’ Isla was already on her way out of the cubicle, and Corinne started to sob.
‘We’re going to lose him, aren’t we.’ She turned towards Felix’s father. ‘We’re going to lose our baby.’
‘No, we’re not.’ Jack looked at Aidan. ‘I was right, though, it’s meningitis, isn’t it?’
‘It looks like it, but the lumbar puncture will tell us what kind and how it needs to be treated.’ Aidan kept his tone level, despite the emotion pulsating in the air.
‘Is it going to hurt him?’ Corinne’s question was punctuated with shuddering breaths after each word, but Aidan could at least give her some reassurance about that.
‘Felix will be given a local anaesthetic and he might feel a bit of pressure, but he won’t feel any pain, and you can stay with him during the procedure.’
‘Good, because neither of us are going anywhere.’ Corinne moved to the side of Felix’s bed, with Jack just behind her, and Aidan knew that nothing on earth could have moved them from their son’s side. This was what parenting was all about. Seeing it, even in the toughest possible moments like this, Aidan was more certain than even that he wanted to share that experience with Jase. And he’d do whatever it took to make that happen.
The Friends of St Piran’s shop not only served the best coffee in the hospital, it also had a couple of bistro tables outside, making it almost like a pavement café. It was part of the reason why it had become the place where the A even if it was getting in touch with the hospital counsellor, or one of the team from the chapel. It barely seemed possible that at the worst moment in someone’s life, the actions of hospital staff could make a difference, but he knew from experience that they could.
‘I was going to come and find you.’ Jack still had his arms around Corinne, but they both turned slightly in Aidan’s direction. ‘It’s because you spotted the rash and got Felix’s test results so quickly that we’re eventually going to be able to take our little boy home with us again. And I just wanted to say thank you.’
‘I’m so glad he’s going to be okay.’ Aidan’s whole body felt as if it had slumped with relief. He’d been almost certain that things had taken a turn for the worse, and he was still confused about why Corinne was so upset. Although maybe it was no surprise given what Felix’s parents had been through. ‘It’s been a hell of a day for you guys and you must be exhausted. I know you won’t want to leave Felix, but have they said anything about you using the parents’ accommodation?’
‘They’ve said we can, thankfully.’ Jack breathed out slowly. ‘It’s Corinne I’m most worried about; she’s five months pregnant with our second and she didn’t sleep at all last night. Felix only wanted his mummy, until he got too poorly to even know what was going on.’
‘You really should try and get some rest.’ Aidan’s voice was gentle but insistent, as he looked at Corinne. ‘The team on the children’s ward are brilliant, I promise they’ll call you if there’s any change; and you’ll only be five minutes away. Felix needs you to look after yourself too, so that you can be there for him.’
‘I just keep thinking I should have brought him in sooner.’ Her face looked blotchy and sore, like she’d been crying all day, which she probably had. ‘It says online there’s a chance he might have lost his hearing, or have some other kind of irreparable damage. If I’d acted sooner there might have been less chance of complications.’
‘You don’t even know if there are any complications yet.’ Jack tried to comfort her, but she didn’t seem capable of hearing him.
‘But if there are, it will be my fault!’
‘No it won’t.’ Aidan put a hand on her arm. ‘He’s going to be going home with you, because the two of you knew your baby well enough to spot that something wasn’t right early on, and you made sure he got the help he needed. As for any complications, you can deal with them if and when they arise, but whatever they are you’ll adapt. My husband was born with profound hearing loss as a result of an infection his mother was exposed to during her pregnancy. He’s never let it hold him back from doing anything he wanted to do, and he’s the best person I’ve ever met. Whatever complications your little boy has, if there are any, he’s still Felix and you’re all going to be okay. I promise.’
‘I needed to hear that, thank you.’ Corinne pulled away from Jack and threw her arms around Aidan. ‘I know I’m being ridiculous, and I should just be glad we’re not going to lose Felix, but I looked at what the complications could be, and I felt so guilty. But you’re right, whatever we have to deal with, we’ll do it as a family, and he’s going to be the same special little boy he’s always been, either way.’
‘In my experience, the people who have to deal with the biggest challenges in life are often the most amazing.’ Aidan had meant every word he’d said about Jase; his husband really was the best person he’d ever met. It was why one of the questions they’d been asked to think about in preparation for their interview with the surrogacy agency had been easier to answer than it might be for most people. And they knew exactly what action they’d want to take if they conceived a child who might be born with a disability of any kind. Aidan would never judge other people for those kinds of decisions, but he was certain that – with Jase by his side – they could cope with whatever life threw at them.
‘Thank you again.’ Jack clapped a hand on Aidan’s back. All that mattered was that Felix had made it through, and whatever complications did or didn’t arise, it was going to change the family’s life forever, the way only a life-threatening incident ever really could. Nothing would ever be taken for granted again, and sometimes that could be a very good thing.
After he’d spoken to Jack and Corinne, Aidan had been able to see Felix, before going down to meet the others at the hospital shop, where Danni immediately set down a drink on the table in front of him. The engagement ring that her fiancé, Charlie, had given her just a few weeks before, caught the light as she did. ‘Here you go, you’ve finally got the skinny latte you asked me for an hour into your shift! Although I also got you a king-size Twix, because I know they’re your favourites and it’s been a hell of a day.’
‘Dan, I think I might actually love you. And if I wasn’t gay, and already married, I’d get down on one knee, right here, right now.’ He ripped open the packet and dunked half the Twix into his coffee. ‘Just don’t tell Jase I’m cheating on the diet, because I honestly think he’d take it harder than if I was cheating on him.’
‘We won’t breathe a word.’ Esther mimed zipping her mouth shut, as she sat down opposite Aidan, with Danni and Isla either side of him.
‘It was Gwen’s suggestion anyway.’ Danni grinned. ‘She said you look like you couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag, and that a skinny latte wasn’t going to put any lead back in your pencil. Her words, not mine. So it was a choice between the Twix, or one of Gwen’s ten-minute motivational shake up and wake up routines.’
‘The Twix was definitely the right choice. Last time Gwen tried to get me to do one of those she said it was to sort out my posture, so I didn’t end up with a hunch back.’ Aidan shook his head, but he couldn’t help laughing. ‘I mean I love Gwen to bits, but sometimes she can be too honest.’
‘She can but she’s still who I want to be when I grow up.’ Esther smiled, but suddenly her expression changed. ‘How’s Felix doing? Did you get to see him?’
‘Yes, and he’s doing remarkably well, thank goodness. Even after all these years it amazes me how resilient kids can be.’ Aidan dunked the Twix into his coffee for a second time. ‘Although I’m not sure the same can be said of his mum and dad. They were completely wrung out.’
‘That’s parenthood for you. From the moment a baby is conceived it’s nothing but worry.’ Danni’s tone was casual, but Aidan wasn’t buying it. He hadn’t missed the look she’d exchanged with her best friend, either.
‘Have you got something to tell us?’
‘No, of course not, I…’ Danni exchanged another look with Esther, and then a huge smile spread across her face. ‘Oh sod it, I know you’re supposed to keep these things quiet for the first twelve weeks, just in case, but how can I not tell you guys? If anything goes wrong, I’m going to need all the support I can get. It’s very early days, though, so I’d like to keep it to just us for now and I’ll tell the rest of the team after the first scan.’
‘Congratulations, that’s amazing!’ Isla got in first, jumping to her feet and moving past Aidan to give Danni a hug. ‘Although I feel like I shouldn’t be listening to the conversation, when I haven’t been in the team for as long as nearly everyone else.’
‘In this place we all know each other’s secrets really quickly.’ Danni shrugged. ‘And some people just fit in and feel like old friends straight away, like you have. Although you are going to have to be willing to share all of your secrets with us too.’
‘Oh I promise I will, as soon as there’s anything interesting to tell.’ Isla smiled.
‘That’s amazing news, Dan. I’m so happy for you, and you and Charlie are going to make the best parents. But I still can’t believe it’s happened so quickly.’ Aidan really was delighted for them, even if he was trying to push down the tiny bit of envy that was in danger of rising up inside him. He’d had no idea Danni and Charlie were even thinking about parenthood, and yet they were already expecting a baby. It was the only thing he and Jase seemed to have talked about for almost a year, and nothing about the process was going to be easy for them. He was thrilled that such a lovely couple would soon become a family, but he desperately wanted it for him and Jase too. He could already picture a little one running around, with Jase’s curls, and the same smile that could light up a room. But it wouldn’t bother him one bit if they didn’t look like Jase, or share Aidan’s sandy blond hair, blue eyes and year-round freckles. All that mattered was that the child would be theirs, and he just had to hold on to the hope that they’d get there somehow.
‘The only reason I didn’t tell you sooner was because I felt guilty about how quickly it happened, when you and Jase are going to have to jump through so many hoops to get there.’ It was almost as if Danni could read his mind, as she reached out to touch his arm. ‘I didn’t think it was going to be easy for us. I’m nearly forty, and we knew we couldn’t hang around. So we decided to start trying once we got engaged, thinking that would give us six months before the wedding, and then we could ask for some help straight afterwards, if we needed it. I didn’t even let myself imagine it happening this quickly, so it was all a bit of a shock, and we’ve got a long way to go.’
‘Don’t you dare feel guilty on my account!’ Aidan pulled her into his arms, not even caring when the second finger of his Twix got knocked onto the floor. ‘No one deserves their happy-ever-after more than you do, and what kid isn’t going to love having a children’s author as a father, not to mention a mum who can make every scuffed knee or grazed elbow better?’
‘It’s going to happen for you soon too, I know it.’ Danni’s tone brooked no argument and he hoped to God her certainty wouldn’t turn out to be misplaced. ‘I’m not facing those scary parent and toddler groups on my own. I’ll need you for company.’
‘It’s nice to know what you want me for!’ Aidan laughed, but he couldn’t admit just how much he hoped they’d get to hang out together, doing that sort of thing. He had to hold on to the idea that it might not, but it was getting harder and harder to imagine a life without children, with each step he and Jase took towards fulfilling their dream.
‘Have they said how long it might take to find you a match once you’re approved by the surrogacy agency?’ Esther made it sound as though approval was a foregone conclusion, but it was just one of the many barriers they needed to negotiate.
‘I don’t think there’s any way of knowing. We need to find a surrogate who’s willing to be a host for donor eggs, because when we looked into all the options, that felt most right for us. Having someone carrying our child, using their own eggs, seemed like we’d be doubling the risk of them developing a bond they couldn’t let go of. That might not be true, but it’s just the way it felt to us. Although even deciding what to do about the egg donation is another dilemma. They’ve talked to us about egg sharing with a woman who’s trying to get pregnant herself, to keep the costs down, but I don’t know if that’s the right route for us. What if we get a baby at the end, and she doesn’t? I don’t know if that’s something we’ll be able to cope with. There’s the option of an unknown donor through the clinic, but any child we had would be able to trace the donor in the future if they want to, and I’d prefer to know a bit more about that person than the clinic would be able to tell us. It’s a minefield, and if it wasn’t for Jess’s infertility support group, I think I might have given up by now.’
‘I’ll be your donor.’ When Isla spoke, the words just seemed to hang there, and for a few seconds Aidan thought he’d imagined them. But she was looking at him so intently he knew he hadn’t. As tempting as it was to take her at her word, and believe it really could be as simple as that, he couldn’t. People could be incredibly kind and their friendship had developed quite quickly in the past six months or so, but she had no idea what she was promising.
‘That’s so sweet of you, but it’s not the kind of offer you can make without really thinking about it. There are long-term implications, now that donors aren’t anonymous any more, then there’s the whole can of worms with DNA websites. It’s a complicated issue.’
‘I know, because I’ve been looking into it for almost a year, and I’ve joined all kinds of forums.’ Isla was still holding his gaze, and he wasn’t sure he’d have been any more shocked if she’d suddenly peeled back the skin on her face and revealed an entirely different person underneath. ‘I said I didn’t have any interesting secrets, but I suppose there is one. My dad was born with the gene that meant he’d eventually develop Huntington’s disease and he had a 50 per cent chance of passing it on to any children he had. So, when he and Mum decided to start a family, they chose to use a sperm donor to conceive me and my sister. It would have been Dad’s sixtieth birthday this week, and I’ve been thinking for the last year about how I wanted to mark it. And I decided a while back that donating eggs to someone who might be in a similar position, or who was struggling to conceive, would be a lasting legacy for my dad, something that repays the debt and honours the choices he made. I know all the implications and all the risks, but I still really want to do it. My only concern was not knowing who’d be raising any child that might be conceived, or how I’d navigate a relationship with the parents, if the child wants to get in touch when they reach adulthood. But, if it was you and Jase, that last barrier would be taken away. I knew you were going to use a surrogate, but I didn’t know until today that you were planning on using donor eggs. I wish I could be braver and offer to be your surrogate, too, but the women on Mum’s side of the family always seem to have horrendous labours! I really want to donate my eggs and, if you’d be okay with using mine, I’d love to do it for you and Jase.’
‘Oh my God, yes!’ All through her explanation, Aidan had been reminding himself not to get carried away, and to talk to Jase first, but the adrenaline had been running through his veins so fast he could hardly catch his breath. This could be everything they’d hoped for and more, the answer to a huge part of their prayers, and suddenly he was nodding, and crying, and pulling Isla in for a hug all at the same time. There was still a really long way to go, and finding a surrogate was probably the biggest part of the jigsaw. But knowing that someone as sweet and kind as Isla wanted to be a part of the process, suddenly made it feel like it really might happen. He just had to hope that Jase would be on board with the idea too.