Chapter 19
19
In the hours leading up to meeting Ellen for lunch, Aidan felt so nervous that even the thought of eating made him nauseous. So much was relying on him making a good impression, and he’d already messed up once. From the messages she’d sent since their first meeting, it was clear that Ellen had loved Jase on sight, just like everyone else did. That meant the only one capable of derailing her offer to be a surrogate was Aidan. For as long as he could remember, his go-to approach when meeting new people had been to try and make them laugh. He’d earned himself a reputation for his dry humour at university, and in every job he’d had since then.
‘I feel like I’m going on a first date. The trouble is, I’ve been happily letting myself go for the past ten years, safe in the knowledge I’d never have another one of those.’ Aidan turned to his side and sucked in his stomach, as Jase sat on the bed watching him. ‘Now I’ve left it far too late to get in shape, so I can try to persuade Ellen I’ll be a great role model for healthy living. I keep reading about the importance of starting weightlifting before I hit middle age, but I don’t think lifting my own body weight out of the chair really counts.’
‘She won’t give a damn what you look like.’ Jase was laughing, even before Aidan spun round with a look of outrage on his face.
‘Well thanks very much!’
‘You know what I mean. You look great, but that’s not what she’s going to focus on. She wants to know you’re someone she can get on with throughout the pregnancy, and she also wants to know that you deserve to be a dad.’ Jase reached out to Aidan. ‘And everyone who meets you can work that out pretty quickly.’
‘So I didn’t need the Spanx after all?’ Aidan raised his eyebrows, laughing too, as he closed the gap between him and Jase. All he had to do was convince Ellen that hanging out with him wouldn’t be unbearable, which should be easy, because he’d never had a problem convincing anyone of that. Except for his father.
‘It’s been such a lovely afternoon, thank you.’ Ellen kissed Jase on both cheeks, before turning towards Aidan and doing the same as they stood in the car park outside the restaurant. ‘I was on board after meeting Jase, but now I know a baby would be so lucky to have the pair of you as parents. This will be my last time as a surrogate, and I’m so glad it’s going to be for you guys.’
‘We feel so blessed that you’ve chosen us.’ Jase was beaming. The lunch couldn’t have gone better, and they’d stayed talking for another hour, even after Aidan had settled the bill. If everything worked out, this would be Ellen’s third surrogate pregnancy, and with two children of her own before she started her surrogacy journey, she’d made the decision to ‘retire’ at five. Aidan just hoped they’d be ready to go ahead when she was, because she might not want to hang around waiting if things weren’t in place to proceed with an egg donor.
‘As soon as I read your profile, I felt a connection.’ Ellen had a wonderfully warm smile. ‘And I meant what I said about you guys coming over for a barbecue soon. I think it’s important for you to meet Andrew and the kids, because we’re going to be part of one another’s lives for a long time.’
‘I hope he likes us.’ Aidan wished he could just enjoy the fact that the meeting had gone so well, without the wave of anxiety that had almost immediately begun bubbling up inside of him. But it didn’t work that way.
‘Oh he’ll love you, trust me.’ Ellen made it sound as though her husband had very little choice in the matter, and that’s exactly what she meant. ‘But at the end of the day, what he thinks won’t influence my decision. It’s my body and I get to choose who I want to help become a family. And I’ve made my choice.’
‘Thank you so much, it means more to us than we could ever explain.’ Aidan hugged her, her response muffled against his chest.
‘I know, but I feel so lucky to be able to do it for you. There’s no better feeling than knowing you’ve helped create a new family.’ She pulled away slightly and looked up at him. ‘Which is why I understand your egg donor’s determination to try and help you, even in the middle of everything else she’s got going on.’
Aidan had explained Isla’s situation, and had told Ellen that they hadn’t decided how they were going to proceed. It was Jase who’d insisted they tell Ellen everything, and he’d asked if she had any concerns about carrying an embryo created with an egg donated by someone who’d been diagnosed with cancer. Despite the fact that Isla’s consultant had confirmed there was no risk of passing the cancer on to a baby, Jase had told Ellen he would understand if the idea made her feel odd. Cancer could grow from one rogue cell, after all. But Ellen had been adamant that she didn’t have any concerns. Her first surrogate pregnancy had been for a woman who’d had her eggs frozen after being diagnosed with cervical cancer, and who’d subsequently undergone a complete hysterectomy. Three years later, and in remission, she and her husband had longed to start a family. This was no different, according to Ellen. But Aidan had seen the look on his husband’s face and he was certain he knew what Jase was thinking. It was different, because that woman had been desperate to use her own eggs, rather than a donor’s. But Jase and Aidan would be using a donor anyway, so why not choose one without that kind of complication? On paper it would have made perfect sense to take the easy choice, but life wasn’t a paper exercise and Aidan still couldn’t let go of the idea of using a donor they knew well, and would be happy to have as a part of their lives.
‘We’ll let you know as soon as we can what’s happening with the donor eggs.’ The way Jase described it felt suddenly impersonal, like it wasn’t a crucial part of the process. Except this wasn’t just about an altruistic gesture, from some random person, it was about Isla, and Aidan had grown to care about her more and more. Despite his recent wobbles, he knew for certain now that he wanted to be a father, but he couldn’t imagine leaving Isla out of the equation either. So he had no idea how he’d come to terms with it if Jase was determined to go another way.
‘I’ll text you when I get in about a date for the barbecue.’ Ellen held up her hand in a final parting gesture, just before she slid into the seat of her car. There was nothing stopping Aidan turning around and following Jase to their own car, except he knew when he did that they were going to have to have a very difficult conversation. It was time to decide, once and for all, whether they were still going to accept Isla’s offer of donating her eggs, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear what his husband had to say.
Aidan looked at the text on his phone again and let go of a deep breath. Putting off the conversation with Jase wasn’t going to solve anything, so he might as well get on with it. The problem was, he wasn’t entirely sure how to interpret what Isla had said in the last message she’d sent him.
I’ve had the go-ahead from the clinic and I’ll be starting the hormone injections on Wednesday. I know you’re worried about me doing this, but I promise it’s what I want. The first five eggs are yours whatever happens, and we’ll split the rest fifty/fifty. It’s just a bit of insurance for me, but regardless of how the leukaemia progresses, this might be my only chance to make a babyxx
Isla was repeating what she’d said the last time Aidan and Jase had seen her, and they’d told her again that going through with the egg donation shouldn’t even cross her mind right now, because she needed to concentrate on her treatment and start it as soon as possible. Only she’d been as adamant as she was well-informed, and she’d clearly done her research.
‘If I need to go on to chemo, they won’t let me pause to have egg retrieval, so I’m going to be doing this whether you want my eggs or not.’ Isla had made it sound like she was offering him a pint of milk, but her voice had cracked on the next sentence, and she’d suddenly looked incredibly fragile. ‘If that happens, having a baby might never be an option for me, because I might not be well enough. This might be the only baby I’ll ever be a part of creating, and it’s still so important to me to do that. It’s giving me something to aim for, and a reason to look forward. But if you don’t want to go ahead, I understand, and I can cover the costs of the treatment myself.’
‘Of course we still want you to be our donor.’ Aidan had known in the moment that he shouldn’t be speaking for Jase, but his heart had ached looking at the woman standing in front of him, who’d seemed so alone. Focusing on the fertility treatment was giving her something else to think about, and it was the best chance she had of fulfilling the promise she’d made to honour her dad’s legacy. It was only later when he’d replayed the comments that he’d started to worry just how attached to the idea of making a baby Isla might become, and he was scared of what it might do to her if it didn’t work. Jase hadn’t said anything afterwards about Aidan accepting her offer, but from what he’d said to Ellen, he clearly had doubts too. However difficult it was, they needed to talk about it, and come to a decision, because Isla’s fertility treatment was starting in two days’ time.
‘That went great, didn’t it?’ Jase glanced at Aidan, and then looked back at the road, as they headed home from their meet up with Ellen.
‘She’s lovely.’ Aidan took another deep breath, still unsure of what he wanted to say, even as the words began to come out of his mouth. ‘But we need to make a decision about Isla; the clinic have given her the go-ahead and she starts the injections on Wednesday.’
‘Right.’ Jase’s expression was unreadable, but there was a tiny muscle going in his cheek.
‘You don’t want to use her eggs any more, do you?’ Something twisted in Aidan’s chest. He couldn’t imagine taking this away from Isla, but he couldn’t deny he had doubts, too.
‘I don’t know.’ Jase pulled into a passing place and stopped the car, turning to look at Aidan again. ‘I don’t know what the right thing is for any of us, any more.’
‘Because of the cancer?’ When Jase nodded, Aidan felt as if his heart had contracted. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to be considered not good enough, and it was as if they were rejecting Isla for something completely out of her control. ‘It wouldn’t affect the baby, and we’ve been told it’s not genetic, so?—’
‘Oh God, no, it’s not that.’ Jase’s eyes had gone glassy. ‘What I’m scared of, is us using some of Isla’s eggs, and if the cancer progresses, having taken away some of her chances of becoming a mum. How could we live with ourselves, if we do that? How are we all going to feel, if she never has a child, but we do? We’ll have stolen that from her. I just don’t think I can take that risk.’
‘You are the kindest man in the world.’ Aidan leant forward and kissed his husband slowly, before pulling away again. The realisation hit him, that if it ended up just being the two of them forever, he’d be okay with that. Far more than okay in fact, because he really had married the best man in the world. Jase was someone who always thought of others before himself, and who radiated the same kindness he carried in his heart. But Aidan needed to confess his own doubts, and he wasn’t sure they came from nearly so pure a place. ‘I’ve been worried too, but what I’m scared of is that she seems to be pinning everything on us having a baby. I’ve become so fond of Isla, she feels like a little sister to me in many ways and I really want her to be a part of our child’s life. But what if the fertility treatment doesn’t work? Right now, I just want to protect her and make sure nothing can hurt her, because she’s going through so much and there’s nothing we can do to take that away. But if the treatment fails, it’s going to devastate her. It’ll break our hearts too, but we’ll have the option of trying again, with another donor if we have to. We can’t let Isla stop her treatment to do that for a second time, but I’m worried about how she’ll react to the idea that we might need to move on? I’m scared it’ll break her, that she’ll pull away from us and stop looking to the future the way she should. We didn’t cover any of this in our counselling, because the stakes weren’t so high back then, and we weren’t pinning everything on this one egg collection being enough. I don’t think I could give up on our dream, or the chance to try again, even if that meant saving Isla any more pain. But it’s going to hurt her if we put a stop to things now, too, and I’ve got no idea what to do for the best.’
There was a rawness in Aidan’s throat as he waited for Jase to respond. All of the pieces of the jigsaw should have been fitting together now that Ellen wanted to be their surrogate, only the picture emerging was nothing like the one they’d seen on the box and none of the bits were slotting together the way they were supposed to. Maybe it was a sign from the universe that they shouldn’t try for a baby, except he knew they’d spend all their lives wondering what could have been if they didn’t attempt to follow their dream.
‘I don’t either, but it’s hard to imagine going ahead without her.’ Jase shook his head. ‘So what do we do?’
‘I think we need to have some more conversations with Isla, and see how we all feel once we know whether her treatment is working. My biggest fear, if we pull the plug now, is that she won’t let us support her with anything she’s going through, and that’s something I really don’t think I could deal with. We’ve still got a bit of time. The plan was always to freeze Isla’s eggs anyway and, whatever we decide, she’ll have stored some eggs she can use in the future if she needs to.’
‘The problem is, Ellen is on a timeline of her own. This is her last surrogacy and you heard what she said about wanting it all finished before her eldest starts secondary school. We’ve got eighteen months, so we can’t put it off for long.’
‘I know, but despite what Isla told us, I’m almost certain she can’t afford the cost of having her eggs frozen on her own and I don’t think the NHS would cover it, because she’s not going through chemo. So, if we make a definite decision not to use any of them now, I don’t think she’ll be able to go through with it.’ Aidan closed his eyes for a second, opening them to meet his husband’s gaze. ‘I know I’m asking a lot, but I want to help her with this, whatever we decide. She offered us an amazing gift, and we owe her this. If it means I need to take out a loan, or take on all the overtime going, to top up the IVF fund, then I’m happy to do it. Right now, the thing Isla needs more than anything, is to create a future she can look forward to, and I’m not taking that away from her.’
‘You were so wrong when you said I was the kindest man in the world, because I’m married to him.’ Jase pulled Aidan closer and hugged him tightly. Being in his husband’s arms had always felt like the place he was meant to be, and Jase had made Aidan feel safer, and more loved, than anyone else ever had. That kind of love was the one thing Aidan had craved most in life. So he was prepared to do whatever it took, to give the man he adored what he wanted too. But for now, they’d agreed to take a step back from their own dreams, to focus on supporting Isla. Aidan hadn’t thought it was possible to love Jase any more than he had ten minutes before, but that was something he’d definitely been wrong about.