Chapter 9 Those Sad Cuddles in Winter
Those Sad Cuddles in Winter
Callan
Callan
Would you mind a visit?
Erin
We’re chilling out before dinner. Drop by anytime. xo
I sent a half-hearted prayer to the heavens for Erin to stop signing off her texts with hugs and kisses. My pulse kicked up too many notches when she reminded me I wanted so much more than those x’s and o’s. I ached for the real thing.
I lumbered up the stairs to the cottage, the box of gifts balanced on my hip rattling with each step.
Calm down. I paused before I got to the door.
With a flick of my hand, I neatened up my hair—kind of.
This visit isn’t a big deal. Erin wouldn’t realize how much time I’d wasted choosing what to wear after washing up.
She probably wouldn’t notice I’d scrubbed my boots, either.
I wasn’t on her radar like that. Never had been.
The door was open.
Erin stood hunched over the kitchen counter, chopping vegetables, her dark hair spilling over tense shoulders. The frustrated “Shit” she murmured was barely audible over the metal clunk of the knife against the board.
My nerves vanished. Worry took over. Something wasn’t right.
I knocked on the wall beside the door to let her know I was there.
Erin whipped around, her puffy red eyes wide. “Cal! Hey!” She covered her surprise with a smile. “That was quick!”
With a sheepish grin, I admitted, “I may have sent that text when I was already here.”
“Oh, did you just? What if I’d said no?”
I patted the cardboard box balanced on my hip. “I would’ve left my goodies on the porch and disappeared like the good pirate I am.”
Scurrying footsteps behind me tugged my attention from Erin. One of Matilda’s dark eyes peeked out around the door. My heart dipped in my chest. Was she scared of me again? I thought I’d finally won her over at the playground.
“Hey there, little buccaneer,” I said.
Her ginger bear peeked out from behind the frame. “Pirate.” Her giggle coaxed a smile out of me.
“Til.” Erin sighed. “Remember how we talked about Cal? He’s a farmer.”
“He not,” Matilda said with conviction.
I chuckled. “You know, maybe I am a pirate, huh? Do you want to see all the treasure I’ve got here?” I jiggled the box in my arms. “I knocked off work early today so I could sneak off on a secret mission to the city.”
Matilda popped out from the doorway. “What that? Presents?” She clapped her hands to her cheeks. “For Matilda?”
“For Matilda and her mum.”
“Cal, you’re spoiling us,” Erin said.
I grinned. I sure was. It was fun having someone to spend my money on. “Since you’re staying on a farm, there are a few things you’re going to need,” I said. “Starting with… gumboots!”
Matilda’s face drooped when I pulled out the sensible pair of black rubber boots I’d chosen for Erin, but my smile only got bigger. I was about to knock that kid’s tiny socks off.
“And for pirate princesses in training…” With a grand flourish, I presented Matilda the sparkly pink boots.
Her foot shot out. “Put on!” Impatient, she wiggled her toes, but after stealing a glance at her mother, she charmed me with a sweet, “Please!”
“Come on over,” I said. “Let’s get these on you.” I crouched in front of Matilda and helped her tug on the boots. “These are just what you need for stomping around in the mud.”
“Stomping” was the wrong word to use.
Matilda decided then and there to test out her new boots. “Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!” Her pigtails bopped up and down as the ancient wood groaned under her feet. “Matilda stomping!”
“You don’t say.” I shot Erin an apologetic smile. “What about if we save our stomping for the mud?”
“Okay!” Matilda arched on her tiptoes, peeping in the box. “What next?”
“Til,” Erin said, “that’s not very nice manners.”
Big brown eyes blinked up at me. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “What else do I have in here? Hmm… Hats!” When Matilda gave an excited nod, I unpacked more of the goodies on the table.
“In case your mum needs some quiet time after too much stomping, we’ve got a few jigsaw puzzles, a new Spot book, and crayons and paper…
But this last one is extra special. Promise you’ll share it with your mum, okay? ”
“O…kay.”
Grinning, I whipped out the last box. “Chocolate cake!”
Every dollar of that overpriced lump of flour and frosting and the twenty minutes standing in line at the bakery in the city was worth seeing the brief smile that spread across Erin’s face.
Sharing a piece of chocolate cake and staying up late, talking on her back veranda, had solved a lot of our problems growing up.
Matilda squealed. “Please!” Her tiny hands flapped. “Please!”
“You can have a piece of cake after dinner, okay?” Erin told her in a gentle but firm voice. “You already had a cupcake at the doctor’s today.”
I tried to play dumb. “Oh, you went to the doctor today?” The worry squeezing my chest pitched my voice embarrassingly high. “How’d that go?”
“It went, um… It went…” Erin ducked her head, the cuff of her cardigan scrubbing furiously at her eyes. “Shit.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “Shit.”
Matilda’s bottom lip quivered. She wouldn’t have been used to seeing her mum fall apart. Erin had always been the type to hold back for everyone else’s sake. I kept a steady hand on her back, and my mind raced to figure out how to take care of this… somehow…
“Hey, Til.” I did my best to keep my voice bright. “Can you take your new crayons and paper and draw your mum the biggest, bestest picture of a pirate?”
Matilda bounced up and down. “Yeah!”
“Make it a surprise, okay? Can you do it in your room?”
Nodding, she arched on her tiptoes and slipped the crayons and paper off the table. Tiny footsteps scampered away.
“S-sorry,” Erin stammered. “It’s just—it’s been such a big day and, um—” She tore a paper towel off the roll and scrubbed it over her eyes.
“Ez… Come here…”
I wrapped my arms around her and sheltered her under my chin.
Did she still spritz her hair with rose perfume like she had when we were teenagers?
She sure smelled cozy. My resistance fought the urge to do more.
It was a constant battle, desperately wanting to steal a kiss—a gentle way to show her I cared—and the fear of her pushing me away.
Kisses were reserved for lovers…and cheating husbands.
“You don’t need to keep putting on a brave face,” I whispered into her hair.
“I do. Til’s so little, Cal. She can’t see me like this.”
“You’re teaching her it’s okay to feel upset if someone hurts you.”
“It’s her dad.”
“And he’s the one who should’ve been worried about protecting her by not stepping out on his marriage. That’s not your fault.”
“Til doesn’t understand that. God, neither does he. He’s making me feel like I’ve lost my mind. Here.” Erin untangled from my arms and grabbed her phone off the kitchen counter. “Look at the message he sent me!”
She shoved the screen under my nose.
Jeremy
Will you be home by Wednesday? I want to take both of my girls out for manicures and milkshakes.
I grimaced.
“Right?” Erin threw her hands up in frustration.
“Jeremy’s so oblivious! He’s acting as if I stopped by a friend’s house for a coffee and everything’s going to be fine.
” She barked a humorless laugh. “Well, it’s not fine.
I want this sham of a marriage to be over!
I want my lawyer to destroy him! I want to snap his tennis racquet in half and bleed every dollar out of him because that’s all he cares about.
He sure as hell doesn’t…” Her palm planted on the counter as she sucked in gulps of air.
“He doesn’t…” Her breath turned ragged. “He doesn’t love me at all. ”
I clasped both of my hands on her shoulders and looked her dead in the eye. “His loss. You hear me? His bloody loss, Ez. Jeremy showed you his true colors, and you have every right to be upset.”
“What did she have that I didn’t? What did she do? I tried so hard. He said I… I wasn’t…”
Erin shook her head furiously from side to side.
She choked back her words with a sob and barreled into me, her arms slinging around my back.
Tears soaked through my shirt. This was agony.
I kept a steady hand on her back to stop my fingernails from biting into a fist. Jeremy was nothing but a low-down, no-good, cheating son of a—
“Mummy?”
Matilda stood in the doorway. Her sketchbook dropped to her side. She didn’t understand what was going on. Another sob shuddered against my chest.
“I’ve got this,” I whispered to Erin, circling a comforting hand on her shoulder. Matilda got my best reassuring smile. “Your mummy’s feeling a bit sad, so I’m giving her a cuddle. Do you like cuddles when you’re sad?”
Creeping closer, Matilda nodded.
“You want to come join our cuddle?” I waved her over. “I reckon your mum would like that a lot when she’s feeling sad.”
Matilda toddled over. I expected her to latch onto Erin’s leg, but her arms shot in the air.
“Oh, you’re coming up, huh?” I laughed.
It took a bit of tangling and twisting to get both girls in my arms and Matilda wriggling on my hip. She bent over and kissed Erin’s tear-stained cheek.
Erin sniffled a laugh. “Cuddles and kisses! I’m very spoiled today. Thanks, Til.” She rested her head back on my chest.
It was her quiet way of saying thank you, and it was more than enough.
For now.