Chapter Thirty-One
The One Where Kate is Not Alone
‘Come on.’ Dev set off across the decking towards the open glass doors.
Awash with her sudden realisation, Kate’s legs ignored her instruction not to move and before she knew it, she found herself doing as Dev said, taking a seat at the island as he opened the fridge.
‘Sorry for pushing in,’ he said over his shoulder. ‘But I can tell when someone needs to talk. Do you want a cup of tea or something stronger?’
I want you , her mind whispered.
Kate cleared her throat again. Sod it. Dev knew she needed to talk. She knew she did. They’d become friends. She’d bottled it up for years. Maybe speaking about it would help?
‘If you’ll have something with me, I’d like a glass of rosé, please.’ She gestured towards the open fridge. ‘There’s some in the door. What would you like?’
‘I’ll have one of these if that’s okay?’ Dev waved a bottle of beer as he extracted both from the fridge, then took the stool opposite Kate at the island.
‘Cheers.’ He clinked the bottle to Kate’s glass, but she returned it to the island.
Dev took a swig, and she watched his throat convulse as he swallowed. As he lowered his hand, however, he caught her fixed gaze, his brow furrowing.
‘Kate? This isn’t what we call talking?’
Embarrassing.
‘No. Sorry. It’s hard to know where to begin. Ancient history, really.’ She eased off the stool and walked over to the drawer, extracting the envelope and its contents before resuming her seat.
‘This came in the post this morning.’ She pushed the basal thermometer and notebook across the island, and Dev put his beer aside.
‘Hugo – my ex – sent them, along with this.’ She pulled the piece of paper from the envelope and handed it over.
Had his fingers deliberately stroked hers as he took it?
‘It won’t make any sense, but it stems back to something that happened a few years ago… or rather, not so much happened , but came out.’
Stumbling over her words, her head bowed most of the time, but occasionally taking surreptitious glances at Dev – silent across the island, his expression impassive – Kate revealed the great deception.
She’d always wanted a big family… three, maybe even four children. It wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it. When Mollie was a toddler, she decided it was time to go for a baby sister or brother for their first born, and although there were already cracks in the facade of their marriage, she put it down to Hugo’s stress at work – he was young and upcoming and desperate to make his mark, achieve a directorship by thirty.
When nothing happened after several months, she told Hugo of her concerns, but he brushed it aside. Doctors appointments, medical checks and all everyone kept saying was, you’re trying too hard. Worrying about it is part of the problem. Relax. You know you can get pregnant, Mollie is the evidence. Give it time.
So she did. Another year. She begged Hugo to get checked, in case something – she couldn’t imagine what – had gone wrong, but he refused, citing the same line as the doctors: Mollie was proof they could conceive.
IVF? Hugo had laughed in her face, refusing to fork out what he deemed a waste of money, again quoting the obvious. And how could she not accept the logic? Yet why wasn’t she falling pregnant?
And then she found out.
‘Two years ago, we moved into this vast mausoleum of a show house – a status symbol Hugo had been aspiring to all his life. It was an awful time. I was working full time and trying to manage Mollie’s distress at being removed from a school where she was happy and put into a private one that said more about status than care for a child’s well-being.’
Bowing her head, Kate fought to control her voice as the memory of that dreadful time intruded.
She swallowed hard on rising emotion. ‘That’s when I found out how pointless this had been.’ Kate pointed to the thermometer, the notebook of her optimum ovulation times, returned to her that morning by Hugo. ‘Clearing out cupboards and drawers, I came across the paperwork. Hugo had gone for the snip to ensure there would be no more children.’ She gulped on a breath, hand to the sharp pain in her breast. ‘The same week I was in hospital for Mollie’s birth.’
A small sound escaped Dev as Kate raised sorrowful eyes to his, unsure how he’d take the revelation.
‘My God . I’m so so sorry, Kate.’
He reached across the table with both hands, and she placed hers in his with no hesitation, cherishing the firm clasp as he held onto her, giving them a light squeeze.
‘The bastard! And to send you those.’ He glared at the thermometer and notebook. ‘What did you… How did you…’
‘I couldn’t believe it at first. I’ve been through every possible emotion: shock, anger, disbelief and then grief.’ Something had a grip on Kate’s throat now. ‘I grieved for the children I’d never had, that I foolishly kept thinking would come along.’
Kate sighed as Dev released her hands. ‘I’d thought about leaving so many times over the years, but I worried it wasn’t the right thing to do for Mollie. Finding those papers was it, though. I finally discovered the courage to walk away, for both mine and Mollie’s sakes. When I told Hugo why, he laughed. Thought it hilarious. Even thanked me for the constant coupling.’ Kate threw the thermometer a look of distaste, then shuddered. ‘It makes me feel unclean now.’
‘Don’t let it,’ Dev cautioned, easing off his stool. ‘This is his fault, not yours.’
‘Sorry to lay this on you.’ Kate’s heart was aching, weeping on her behalf, but not for the past now. It was breaking over the loss of a future with Dev, who probably shouldn’t even be there…
Then, she frowned. ‘Why did you call?’
‘It’s not important. Look, I’d best go. Theo will be coming out of school shortly.’
They walked into the hallway, and Kate shuffled from foot to foot as he opened the door, discomfited now by her grubby T-shirt and tear-stained cheeks.
Dev turned around. ‘Will you call Anna, get her to come over?’
‘No. It’s not fair. She’ll feel awful for me, and she shouldn’t have any downside to her current joy. I’m so glad we’ve become… friends, Dev. I don’t want Molls to ever know about this, but talking has helped.’
‘I don’t like leaving you. Are you sure you’ll be okay?’
To Kate’s surprise, he took a step towards her, and she held her breath for a second as he reached out and tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, then rested the back of his hand against her cheek which? unlike the earlier chill, felt as though it was suddenly on fire.
Eyes wide, Kate kept them fastened on Dev’s face. His eyes – so often the steely grey-blue of a winter sky – seemed deeper in colour. How had she never noticed those tiny flecks of silver?
His gaze dropped to her mouth, then flicked up. Was she imagining it, or was he leaning towards her—
‘Bus broke down on the way to the woods, so they sent us home in a replacement.’
Mollie came bounding up the steps and breezed past them as they both took a swift step backwards, Kate’s heart pounding fit to burst.
‘Hi, Mr Devonshire.’
As Mollie disappeared through the door, Kate wrapped her arms around her waist, feeling gauche and embarrassed, but Dev clearly hadn’t attended the same school of mortification.
He leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on her cheek.
‘Call me if I can do anything to help,’ he said softly, the hand once more against her now rather warm cheek, and then he was gone, and Kate’s hungry eyes followed him as he disappeared out of the driveway, before closing the door and leaning back against it.
Mollie’s head popped around the doorway. ‘I might only be thirteen, but even I know that was sexy.’
Kate slept surprisingly well, blinking in confusion when she awoke, peering at the alarm and then sinking back into her pillow. She’d come to a tumultuous realisation yesterday. Why wasn’t she a wailing and pitiful mess after realising how deeply in love she was with Dev, with little hope of him reciprocating?
But he kissed your cheek… if Mollie hadn’t come home when she had, might he have…
‘Stop it!’
Kate tutted as she swung her legs out of bed, then stretched languorously, flipping her hair over her shoulders. Was there any chance Dev – despite the complexity of his situation – more than liked her company?
‘Idiot,’ she muttered as she headed for the bathroom. ‘You’re channelling your inner teen again. Time to grow up.’
It was as she rapped on Mollie’s door to make sure she was awake, as she was off to another junior gig taster day with her friends, and made her way downstairs that it came to her.
For all the nastiness behind Hugo’s gesture, finally telling someone what had happened, having a friend listen to her, be there for her, had been the balm she hadn’t realised she needed. Yes, her heart was veering from the giddiness of anticipation to constricting with sadness, but something had been set free by her confession. However things stood between her and Dev – and maybe she’d never know – she would always cherish how he had been with her and she knew without a shadow of doubt that he had been the one person, the right person, to share it with.
As for her ex-husband… little did he know, but he’d done her a favour on more than one count, and soon he’d know about it.
The usual breakfast rush ensued once Mollie arrived downstairs, but Kate’s mind wasn’t really on anything her daughter was saying as she chattered away over her cereal.
‘You’ve missed your chance.’
‘Sorry?’ Kate looked over from the sink.
Mollie placed her bowl in the dishwasher and pointed to the small leather box on the counter, containing the infamous rings. ‘Yesterday was recycle bin day.’
With a faint smile, Kate resumed scrubbing the pan from the previous night’s dinner. She’d left it to soak but it was stubbornly holding onto the residue of chicken kiev.
‘I’m off. See you later.’
‘Don’t forget your packed lunch,’ Kate called, but Mollie had already whisked through the door so, drying her hands on a tea towel, she scooped up the box and caught her in the driveway.
Shaking her head as she returned to the kitchen, Kate mulled – not for the first time – on the wasted time. All those years, hanging on in the marriage for Mollie’s sake, convinced it was wrong to break up the home, remove her from one of her parents, had done them both more damage than good. If only one had the benefit of forward vision…
Half an hour later, Kate grabbed the ring box and headed out to the car. She had a date at lunch time, and not with an unpredictable Cornish wind. No. This time, there would be no return for the rings.
A small smile touched the edges of her mouth as she reversed the car and set off down the hill. Hugo had been triumphant the night before, when she’d messaged to say she’d received his package, and it was only fair she reciprocated. She’d sell the rings and send him whatever she got for them. His snide remark, telling her not to think about hiding the true proceeds and keeping some of it herself, she’d laughed off. She had no desire to have anything more to do with the bloody things.
All she needed now was the final closure.