Chapter 5
Eve had only intended to make a flying visit to see Max to drop off some shopping he’d requested.
She needed to get home to make a long overdue video call to his sister, Lily, and she didn’t want to say what she planned to say in front of him.
She’d been hoping to drop the shopping off and have a quick chat with Max, who probably wouldn’t even take off his gaming headset, just so she could reassure herself and Annie that he was okay.
She might have felt guilty about the intended haste of her visit, if it hadn’t been her fifth one of the past seven days and if Max had made her feel like he’d actually wanted her there on any of the previous four occasions.
She knew Annie had already been in that morning, so he’d almost certainly be glad just to be given his shopping and allowed to get on with his game.
Except when she got to Oakwood Park there was no sign of him.
‘I don’t suppose you know where Max is, do you?’ she asked Jeanine, one of the staff, who was walking down the corridor when Eve came back out of his room.
‘He’s in the kitchen. Having an OT session with Felix, but it’s not a problem if you want to go in and join them.
’ Jeanine smiled and stopped walking, clearly expecting Eve to say thank you and walk past her towards the kitchen, when what she really wanted to do was make a bolt for the door.
She knew how grouchy Max could be when he got frustrated during his OT sessions, and she really wasn’t in the mood to witness that.
She didn’t want to see Felix again just yet, either.
She was still trying to get a handle on the unwanted wave of attraction she’d felt towards him the last time they’d been together, and it had been a long week already, with far too many heightened emotions to deal with.
But Jeanine was still watching her, so she squared her shoulders and nodded.
‘Thanks, I’ll pop in, but this is only a flying visit.
I can’t stay long, I’ve got a meeting tonight.
’ Eve was doing that overexplaining thing she always did when she was trying to justify a decision she thought someone else might judge her for.
She shouldn’t have to justify herself and the truth was she didn’t, because Jeanine probably wouldn’t think anything of it either way, or judge her even if she did walk straight out of the front door.
She was the one who was judging herself for it, and all the overexplaining in the world would never overcome the guilt she felt at wanting to turn in the other direction and go home. That’s why she couldn’t do it.
‘I’m sure Max will be pleased to see you.’ Jeanine smiled again, but it didn’t reach her eyes and they both knew she was lying.
‘Why can’t I do it my own way, for Christ’s sake?’ Eve heard Max before she saw him, but when she did, he was snatching a pan back from Felix, who cried out as hot liquid splashed over his hand.
‘Ow, Max, please be careful. You’re going to get a nasty injury if you don’t slow down.’
‘Er, duh.’ Max set the pain down on the stove with a crash and jabbed a finger towards his head. ‘In case you didn’t know that’s already happened. Dickhead.’ He almost spat the last word and Eve couldn’t prevent herself from reacting.
‘Stop it, Max! Felix is just trying to help you and the least you can do is to show a bit of appreciation.’
‘For what? Being made to feel like a baby, who doesn’t even know how to cook baked beans? I just wanted to put them in the sodding microwave for Christ’s sake!’
‘I know and I get that, I really do.’ Felix’s voice was calm and measured, and there wasn’t a hint of anything even approaching anger on his face.
‘But I explained to you that we need to sign off a certain number of sessions using the hob for cooking, in readiness for your move to one of the bungalows. It wouldn’t matter if it was baked beans, a tin of soup, or stroganoff, we need to make sure it’s safe. ’
‘Bollocks to this, I’m going back to my room.’ Max wrenched off the apron he was wearing and threw it in the sink. ‘I’ve got already got a GCSE in Food Tech. I don’t need this shit.’
It was as he stalked out in the wake of that grand declaration that Eve caught Felix’s eye and the laughter started to bubble up inside her. She put a hand over her mouth to try and hold it in, but her whole body started to shake and she realised that Felix was laughing too.
‘GCSE Food Tech. That told me.’
‘Don’t!’ She had tears streaming down her face now and it wasn’t just the reference to GCSEs that made her feel as if she was back at school.
It was that same kind of uncontrollable laughter she’d sometimes got sitting next to one of her friends in class, when they knew they weren’t allowed to laugh, but nothing could prevent it from happening.
‘I need to up my game, that’s for sure,’ Felix said, his smile not wavering, and she finally managed to answer in a voice still choked with half-hysterical laughter.
‘At least look up what’s on the A Level syllabus.’ Maybe she should have felt mean for laughing, but wasn’t laughing at Max, she was laughing at how absurd their lives had become. The truth was, in moments like this, if she didn’t laugh, she’d cry, and she did that far more than she should already.
‘That’ll be my homework for tonight.’ Felix passed her a piece of kitchen towel, suddenly looking a bit more serious. ‘Sorry you had to see that; Max can just get very frustrated during our sessions when he finds things tougher than he thinks they should be. Thanks for saying what you did, though.’
‘I just thought it might help to hear how much we all appreciate what you’re doing for him.’
‘It does and I know deep down he appreciates the help I’m trying to give him.
Sometimes he even shows it, in his own way.
’ Felix’s smile stopped halfway this time.
‘I just hope you can feel that, or someone else is telling you that, because all the things you do for Max are incredible. I can only imagine how hard it must be sometimes, when it feels like he’s throwing that back in your face. ’
‘It feels like that a lot.’ Eve wasn’t sure she’d ever been so honest with anyone before and she couldn’t afford for Max to become her confidante in a way that no one else was. Not if she was going to stand any chance of keeping her feelings for him in check.
‘I see how much difference you make to Max’s life and I know it helps him in ways he doesn’t even realise, let alone express.’
‘Thank you.’ She nodded, needing to get out of there before the tears of laughter, which had been streaming down her face moments before, turned into tears of another kind. ‘I’d better go and help Max unpack the shopping I brought in for him, but I’ll see you soon, I’m sure.’
‘I hope so, Eve.’ She turned and walked out of the door then, unable able to look at Felix, because she was terrified that the connection she felt between them might not just be in her imagination.
Whatever difference she might make to Max’s life, the draw she felt towards Felix meant she was betraying him and that had to stop. Right now.
* * *
As Eve waited for the FaceTime call to connect, she slowed her breathing, not wanting all the things she had to say to Max’s sister to come out in a rush, or for her to say anything she might later wish she hadn’t said.
She and Lily had fast become friends, from the moment he’d introduced them.
Lily was two years younger than her brother, which made her a year younger than Eve.
She was a lawyer, who was now specialising in social justice, after a change of direction.
Nine months after Max had been attacked, Lily had made the decision to move to the US.
Every time they spoke she urged Eve to be honest and to tell Annie that she couldn’t carry on visiting every day and holding down a demanding job, as well as being the person to prop Annie up when she needed it, but there was no way Eve could do that now that Lily had left.
Max’s sister had escaped the weight of Annie’s expectations, but they had fallen all the heavier onto Eve’s shoulders as a result.
It would have been selfish of her to hold that against Lily, especially when she knew just how much stress she’d been under before she’d made the decision to go to the US.
It had been Eve who’d encouraged Lily to go, before it became too much to cope with, but she still couldn’t help hoping her friend might feel ready to come home now.
‘Hey, Eve.’ Lily gave her a beaming smile, so reminiscent of the ones her brother used to wear that for a moment Eve could barely catch her breath to reply, but somehow she managed to respond.
‘Hi, Lily, you look great.’ It was true. Max’s little sister looked like the weight of the world had been lifted these days, and the girl with the shadows under her eyes in the months after his assault, seemed to have disappeared altogether. Getting away had clearly been the right decision.
‘Thanks, I want to say the same about you, and you do look as beautiful as ever…’ Lily hesitated for a moment, before continuing.
‘But you also look absolutely knackered. You can’t go on like this, Eve, using all your time off to visit Max and support Mum and Dad.
You never get any time to yourself, or have the chance to rest. You’ve got to step back before this ends up making you really ill. ’