Chapter 14 #2
‘Hey, Felix.’ The melancholy in Karl’s tone was as obvious as it would have been if they’d been standing face to face, instead of thousands of miles apart and it felt as if Felix’s blood was rushing in his ears.
‘What’s wrong. Is it Merri?’ Another pause, followed by what was quite possibly the deepest sigh Felix had ever heard.
‘I’m so sorry, buddy, there’s no easy way to tell you this, but she’s dead.’
* * *
Eve came off the dance floor still laughing and struggling to catch her breath.
She hadn’t had this much fun in a long time and it was all the more wonderful for how unexpected it had been.
Singing along to a medley of classic songs hadn’t been what she’d thought the fundraising ball would be like, but she should have known better than to expect any event organised by Gwen to be boring.
Her throat was sore from a mixture of shouting out the ‘tune’ – a somewhat generous description of what they’d done to the songs – and from laughing at just how into the performance Aidan had got, flinging his arms out wide as if he really was Whitney, on stage, giving her all for an audience of adoring fans.
His lip-syncing had been so flawless that it couldn’t possibly have been the first time he’d done it.
Desperate for some ice-cold sparkling water, she’d offered to get the others a drink as well and was heading towards the bar when she caught sight of Felix.
He looked every bit as gorgeous in his tuxedo as she’d expected him to.
He was tall with broad shoulders, his dark hair a tiny bit longer than might be considered ‘appropriate’ to pair with such formal attire, but the slightly just-got-out-of-bed look made him all the more appealing as far as Eve was concerned.
He was on the phone, and as she got closer she could see this was no ordinary call.
The colour seemed to have drained from his face and she realised he was pacing, like a caged animal.
As he turned, his back faced towards her for a moment, the tension visible in the ramrod straight set of his shoulders.
When he took another couple of paces and turned to face her again, their eyes meeting, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that the call had brought him bad news.
‘You okay?’ Eve mouthed, anticipating the answer before Felix shook his head, and she was close enough now to hear his conversation.
‘Thanks, Karl. I’ll let you know as soon as I can work out when I can get there… Okay, yeah, you too.’ He ended the call and held Eve’s gaze, still not speaking.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ She broke the silence and he nodded, before finally uttering four words.
‘Yes, but not here.’
* * *
They headed outside, despite the fact that even in spring it was cold by this time of night.
When Eve had given an involuntary shiver, Felix had insisted on removing his jacket and putting it around her, the scent of his aftershave taking her back to the night they’d kissed and making her long to do it again.
She hated herself for even thinking that, and not just because of Max this time.
Felix had been given bad news and her role, as his friend, was to listen and comfort him.
Not stand there imagining what it would be like to kiss him again.
‘Meredith has died. She overdosed again and this time it killed her.’
‘Oh God, Felix, I’m so sorry.’ Her hand flew to her mouth and she kept it there, hoping it would help her resist the urge to reach out to him.
‘I feel like it’s my fault.’ He screwed his eyes shut for a moment. ‘Maybe if I’d sent her the money she asked for, she’d have been okay.’
Eve was already shaking her head, no longer fighting the desire to reach for him, and she took his hand.
‘If someone is hell-bent on self-destruction, nothing anyone else does will change that. The only change can come from them and, if you had sent Meredith the money, she’s far more likely to have spent it on drugs than anything else. ’
‘I know logically that you’re right.’ There was so much pain in his eyes that it twisted something in Eve’s chest. ‘But I’ll never know that for certain.’
‘You won’t and it’s the what-ifs that always hit the hardest at times like this.
’ She was still holding his hand, her thumb now gently stroking his palm in a gesture that was far more intimate than she had a right to be.
But in that moment it felt as though they had a connection with one another that no one else quite did.
‘When Max was assaulted, I drove myself mad with what-ifs. What if I’d arranged to pick him up earlier, so that he wouldn’t have been walking back down that precise road at that precise moment?
What if I’d suggested he did something else for his stag do, or swapped shifts with someone so he ended up choosing another night?
None of those thoughts could have changed the outcome, all they did was torture me.
What’s done is done and sometimes I think facing that reality is the hardest part of it all. ’
‘I need someone to blame and, if not me, then who the hell can I pin it on, so that I can believe it wasn’t because I didn’t do enough?’ Felix’s eyes searched her face, desperate for her to give him an answer that would offer some comfort.
‘Sometimes there isn’t anyone to blame, it’s just circumstances and bad luck; an accident that could have happened to anyone.
I know that’s not the same for Meredith and it definitely wasn’t the same for Max.
I’ve got someone to blame, the guy who hit him and you can try and find someone to blame as well.
Maybe it’s the person who sold Meredith the drugs that killed her, or whoever helped get her hooked in the first place.
But it doesn’t help nearly as much as you might think.
’ Eve swallowed hard, knowing that what she was about to say was a conversation she should have with Max’s mother, too, but suspected she never would.
‘Annie is obsessed with getting revenge on Brandon Moorcroft and I get it, I really do, but what she doesn’t seem to realise is that increasing his sentence won’t undo what’s happened to Max.
He’ll still be living with the consequences of a severe brain injury and Annie won’t be happy in the way she thinks she will.
’ Eve paused for a moment, shaking her head, before continuing.
‘She’s obsessed with it and I’m terrified of what it might do to her if she doesn’t get what she wants, or even if she does and she realises her heart is still broken.
I think her anger and bitterness is stopping her from acknowledging the pain and I’m scared of what will happen when she has to move on from the idea of revenge, one way or another.
I think trying to find someone to blame and pouring all your emotions into that can be every bit as self-destructive as blaming yourself.
It’s just a way of staving off the grief, but you can’t bypass that, no matter how much you might want to. You have to let yourself feel it.’
Felix looked exhausted as he nodded in response. ‘I left San Francisco because I didn’t want to have to hurt for Merri any more. I thought leaving would enable me to forget what she was doing to herself and the fact that I hadn’t been able to help her stop.’
His eyes were glassy and Eve finally let go of his hand, putting her arms around Felix instead and holding him close. ‘You can’t run away from caring when you love someone. It doesn’t matter how far you travel.’
She was vaguely aware that she was partly speaking to herself now, acknowledging that it would have been impossible to outrun the pain of what had happened to Max and all the plans they’d had for their future, no matter how tempting it had sometimes felt to want to try.
‘Do you know the worst thing about Meredith’s death?
’ Felix pulled away slightly, their eyes locking as she shook her head again.
‘It’s that a part of me is relieved. I think I always knew this day was coming and I was waiting for it and dreading it, but now it’s happened, I’m finally free.
Whatever you might have thought in the past, you must admit that makes me the worst person in the world. ’
‘I refuse to believe that.’ Tears had filled her eyes now too. ‘Because if the idea of wanting to be free earns you that title, then you’re going to have to share it with me.’