Chapter Ten
Dagmar
D agmar closed the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment to catch her breath. Her heart pounded. She glanced at her shoulder where James had swept the ladybird from her. Was it more humiliating to admit that was the first time a man had touched her naked body or to face up to her stupid reaction? Why was she letting it affect her like this? But the lingering warmth from his touch was like a burn. She tightened her grip on the towel.
Oh god. Had he been looking at her? Her towels were ancient and didn’t properly cover her. But no one came down here normally. She never had visitors. Plus, there wasn’t room enough to change in the shower cubicle and she was so used to just nipping over from it to dress in here. Who’d have predicted him turning up like that? Could it get more embarrassing?
She crossed the small living space to the cupboard, pulling out clothes with quick, jerky movements. Her pulse and her mind raced each other. Was James still out there? She pretty much always kept the curtains closed in here, but she checked there were no gaps just in case.
She pulled on her knickers and a plain white bra. Jeez, did everything have to look so virginal? She really should buy some black ones, or maybe red. Not that it mattered. Who would ever see them? She tugged on a pair of jeans and a plain pink T-shirt. At least now, if he decided to come in, she was decent. But fuck no. She didn’t want him in here. He lived in a mansion and this place was cramped and barely had room to move. The threadbare furniture, the old, worn curtains, and the tiny, cluttered kitchenette all seemed glaringly inadequate.
He must think I’m a hermit. She dragged a brush through the ends of her wet hair. Maybe he was right. She had a perfectly lovely room in her mum’s cottage, though the whole thing suffered from damp. Living on site was so much easier when she had early starts and late finishes, plus needing to be constantly on call in case there were sick or injured horses.
She moved to the small mirror above the sink. Her reflection showed flushed cheeks and wide eyes. She rarely wore make-up, but she kind of wished she had time to put some on to hide behind. Splitting the curtains with her fingers, she peeked out. James was still outside, hands in his pockets, grinding his foot into the ground.
She took a deep breath and opened the door. ‘What is it you want?’ She leaned her head to the side and split her hair into three sections, ready to plait it.
‘I’m in trouble.’
‘What’s happened?’ And why was he telling her?
‘My mother met the countess of Dairvin and told her I was looking forward to riding with Victoria soon. Now, she’s desperate to meet me, apparently. I need to up my game. How can I do this?’
Dagmar worked her hair into a plait. James cocked his head, watching with a slight frown. Her nerve ends tingled at the stupid idea that he was going to say something about her looking nice with her hair down. But why would he? That was some kind of fantasy she was playing inside her head. All he cared about was impressing Lady Victoria. ‘I suppose I could take you out on a hack this afternoon.’
‘Really? As in out of the arena?’
‘Yes. I think Conker is free. I’ll ring Ophelia and check she doesn’t want to use him.’
‘But there are loads of people here. They’ll see me.’
‘Then act like you know what you’re doing.’ Sheesh, he was one of the most confident guys she’d ever met. If anyone could blag their way through something like this, it was him.
‘Yeah, ok. I think I can do that.’
‘I know you can. But stay humble with Conker. Horses can smell right through bullshit projectors.’
He laughed, flashing her his very white teeth, and she felt a little weak at the knees. ‘But you’ll come with me, yeah?’
‘Obviously. Ophelia would kill me if I let you loose with Conker on the bridle path after only a few lessons.’
‘Good point.’
‘Just act like you’re out riding for fun though and not like you’re on a lesson. Then no one will suspect a thing.’
His smile grew, and he nodded. ‘I like it. You’re smart.’
She scoffed and tied off her plait, but his words gave her a little bubble of pleasure that she wasn’t used to.
‘But I’m not exactly dressed for riding.’
‘You’ll pass in that.’ She scanned his grey polo shirt and dark trousers. ‘As long as you don’t mind the possibility of getting messy.’
He held up his hands. ‘Nope. Everything is replaceable.’
‘Then you’ll do fine.’ She gave him a quick nod. ‘Let me just call Ophelia.’ After a brief chat, she confirmed Conker was free for the afternoon. ‘Let’s get the horses ready.’
‘Good stuff.’ He rubbed his hands together.
Dagmar marched towards the stables, not sure if she wanted to make small talk with James. But she’d have to during the ride. Hopefully he wouldn’t mention anything about earlier. What did she expect him to say? “Oh, by the way, I happened to see your lady bits and realised they were untouched by a man.” A giggle escaped her, and she covered her mouth. She liked regency novels and really, that was worthy of one.
‘What are you laughing at?’ James eyed her.
‘Nothing.’
He raised a brow, but she didn’t elaborate.
‘Are you happy to saddle up Conker on your own? And I’ll get Zephyra ready.’
‘I’ll give it my best shot.’
‘We’ll do them next to each other, so I’ll be there if you need help.’
‘A very strong possibility.’
They retrieved everything they needed from the tack room, and Dagmar watched for a moment as James entered Conker’s stall and started to groom him. She moved to Zephyra’s stall and began brushing her down. If she was on her own, she would talk more, maybe confide in Zephyra, knowing she would listen, but no way would she say anything with James so close by.
When she finished tacking up, she checked on James. He’d done surprisingly well. It seemed he really was a fast learner. They led the horses into the yard.
James had a bit of his swagger about him, flashing a smile at people as he passed. If he pulled out this kind of charm for Lady Victoria, she’d be all over him, whether he could ride or not.
Dagmar bit her lip, suppressing a smile as he made a bit of a business mounting Conker. His foot slipped once, and he clung to the saddle for a moment before finally swinging his leg over.
‘Nice and smooth.’ She smirked.
‘It’s my middle name.’
‘Just remember to keep your heels down and relax. We’re not in a rush.’
He nodded, settling into the saddle faster than during his last lesson. They rode out of the yard together. Dagmar glanced at James, noting his stiff posture and the slight tension in his hands, but he maintained his smile, making him look almost at ease. Certainly, passersby wouldn’t think anything was amiss.
They reached the gate to the bridle path, and Dagmar leant over to pull a lever, then proceeded through the gate and pivoted Zephyra.
‘Through you go,’ she told James.
‘Are you sure?’ He eyed the narrow passage suspiciously while Conker shook his head, obviously wondering why he hadn’t been let through yet.
‘Yes. Just let him walk through and stop when you’re clear of us so we can shut it and catch up.’
‘Catch up? What if he doesn’t stop?’ James kept his voice low, but his posture stiffened.
‘You’ve practised stop and go enough, and Conker’s a good boy. Take a deep breath, let it out, and go.’
Still looking doubtful, James finally released the tension on the reins, and Conker stepped through, stopping a couple of strides ahead to wait for Zephyra. Dagmar shut the gate, rubbed her mare’s neck and caught up with James, sensing the nerves he was trying so hard to hide. No matter how confident he was on his feet, in the saddle you couldn’t lie. He was doing better than he knew for a total beginner.
‘I have to admit, I’m freaking out a bit.’ He kept his voice low.
‘Are you?’
‘Well yeah,’ he said, clearly not catching the sarcasm. ‘I don’t really feel in control. It’s like I’m at his mercy.’
‘You are. So respect him. Just breathe and keep calm – you know he’s trustworthy, and this is supposed to be enjoyable.’
‘Easier said than done,’ he muttered. ‘I keep thinking about Lady Victoria and all the ways I could mess this up.’
‘You’re doing better than you think.’
‘Well, that’s something, at least.’ They walked on, the path winding through the trees, the quiet rustling of leaves and the horses’ hooves the only sounds. In another world, this could be quite pleasant and companionable.
Dagmar glanced over at James as they continued along the bridle path. His initial tension seemed to be easing. He sat taller yet more fluid, and his hold on the reins had softened. Conker ambled along contentedly, clearly picking up on James’s growing confidence.
‘You’re looking better already,’ she said.
James chuckled. ‘Thanks. I still feel like I’m about to fall off any second, but at least I don’t look it.’
‘Some say fake it till you make it.’
He gave her a sideways look. ‘Won’t be the first time.’
‘What do you mean?’
He let out a little huff. ‘Don’t judge me for what I’m about to tell you.’
‘Um… ok.’
‘So, I had a relationship a few years ago that was basically fake. To be honest, I don’t see myself ever having one that’s genuine. All the expectations and stipulations mean I’ll most likely have to manufacture feelings.’
‘Really? And you’re ok with that?’
‘I’m not sure I have a choice. I suppose if a relationship is built on mutual respect, it can still work.’
‘Yeah.’ She frowned. With no experience to draw on, she wasn’t exactly in a place to comment, but it sounded the opposite of what she wanted. If she found someone, she wanted a profound connection, not something “manufactured”. Then again, maybe there was nothing wrong with that. Who was to say that two lonely people couldn’t meet and rub along happily? Maybe with work, it could become more. Wasn’t that how she worked with horses? She met them and learned what made them tick. It took effort. If she wanted to have a relationship, maybe that was the way forward. But even that was a huge ask. How would she meet people to start with? The thought of online dating terrified her. And she didn’t exactly have a big friend circle. It always felt so hopeless.
‘What about you?’ James smiled at her.
‘What about me?’
‘Are you just you, or is there a significant other?’
‘Oh… Just me.’
‘What’s the deal with the trailer? That’s not your permanent home, is it?’
‘Yup.’
He cast her a sideways look. ‘Do you like it?’
She urged Zephyra to lengthen her stride with her seat. This conversation was weird. She’d never really considered whether she liked it or not. ‘I don’t know. It’s not a question of if I like it. It’s just what I have to do. That’s the easiest place for me to live while I do this job.’
‘I get that, but are you happy in this job? I don’t want to overstep, but you seem awfully overworked. You might be doing something you love, but if you live here too, then you’re never away from work.’
She gave a little shrug. What else was there? This was the job she’d done since she left school. It allowed her to be with horses. She could ride and compete in shows. That was her life. She didn’t need to “be away”. In the back of her mind, a little thought chipped away at her. One that had been there for some time, but she’d ignored it. One that said she should take more time for herself, live a little, do something outside of the horses. She loved to feel needed by the horses. It made such a change to the bullying or indifference humans have given her, but the horses didn’t need her – not constantly. They just needed safety, forage, water, friends, and space. Technically, anyone could give them that.
They rode on, the trees providing dappled shade. Dagmar’s thoughts tapped away like someone sending her morse code messages. And they made about as much sense. Her brain was jumbled, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to straighten herself out until she was alone. Except she didn’t really want that either. She wanted this moment with James to go on. Being with him like this was strangely pleasant. This was the “me-time” she needed, and it was with someone else. Granted, it was someone she’d crushed on, but even so, he was an easy guy to get on with, even if he had stolen her Schleich horse all those years ago and seen her half-naked and flustered just a short time ago.
‘This is actually so nice.’ James glanced over at her like he’d read her mind. ‘Beautiful really.’ His eyes were still on her and heat rushed into her neck and cheeks. Seriously? Obviously, he meant the ride, not her.
‘Yeah… It’s a nice path,’ Dagmar agreed.
‘I always used to think a bridle path was something to do with weddings.’ James smiled. ‘Took me years to discover it was spelt differently.’
‘Hmm, yeah. Maybe this will be the path to your wedding.’
‘You think?’
‘With Lady Victoria.’ The words rushed out because she didn’t want him to think she meant with her… And why would he? Oh god. She was so ridiculous.
James looked thoughtful. ‘Let’s hope. My life has always been about business and impressing people. This is just an extension of that, I suppose.’
‘The opposite from me.’ She’d never impressed anyone, unless she included dressage judges.
‘How do you mean?’
She cast him a dark look. ‘You were at school with me. You know everyone hated me.’
He tipped his head to the side. ‘It must have felt like that.’
‘It didn’t just feel like that. That’s how it was.’
‘I’m sorry.’ His look was sincere, but no doubt practised from his experience of winning people over in the office. ‘For any part I played in that. I truly never meant to hurt you. If I’d had more guts, I’d have been more active in stopping other people. My words fell on deaf ears, I’m afraid, and I was too self-obsessed, too caught up in my own image.’
‘I guess I’m just not very likeable.’
‘You’re just very quiet and we had a particularly vocal year group who didn’t properly take time to get to know you. Our loss. As I’m discovering. You’re smart. You literally know everything about horses.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a compliment.’
‘It is. And you have very high expectations and standards for your students. I appreciate that. I’m exactly the same at work.’
She gave him a little smile. ‘Something in common then.’
He nodded, and his strong eye contact made her a little shaky. That smile was very disarming. She urged Zephyra forward because she couldn’t keep looking at James like this. It wasn’t good for her. Plus, he was doing this to win some other woman, so all these smiles and pleasantries were nothing more than friendly gestures.
The path went through the woods around the estate and emerged on the other side, close to a row of workers’ cottages that were being renovated.
‘You should move into one of them,’ James said. ‘Ophelia shouldn’t expect you to live in a trailer onsite. Why on earth does she allow it?’
‘Because it’s not up to her. It’s what I want.’
‘Is it?’
Dagmar huffed. ‘It was my idea. Ophelia offered me one of the cottages when they’re done, but I couldn’t afford the rent on one of those houses with my wages. That trailer cost a fortune. I’m still paying it off, plus I have the pickup truck. I can’t afford that and a house.’
James nodded. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
Maybe he shouldn’t have, but the fact was, he had . And his words had woken thoughts in Dagmar that she knew she’d struggle to put to bed.